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🕑 Added 2024-01-15 19:54:06 +0000 UTC
DES MOINES, Iowa — Conservative voters immediately opted to burn books to warm up at the Iowa Caucus due to record low temperatures before considering any other more reasonable alternatives, confirmed sources who couldn’t feel their fingers.
“I always keep a few extra copies of Barack Obama’s ‘The Audacity of Hope’ in my trunk for when the weather drops below 60 degrees and I need their heating properties,” said lifelong Republican Andrew Youman while ordering the latest edition of Hillary Clinton’s memoir in bulk to restock his fuel supplies. “After all, this is how I heat my entire house. Sure, it’s a lot more expensive and inconvenient than traditional methods, but buying thousands of copies of liberal-leaning books and burning them for warmth is how we as conservatives show how much we cherish free speech. At least I think that’s why we do it. Regardless, it does a bang-up job of keeping us warm during the caucus. Can’t wait to cast my ballot for whichever candidate I saw last on TV.”
Democrats protesting outside the Iowa Caucus mocked the book burnings.
“On one hand, these morons burning books makes them look like complete fools. On the other, it’s cold as hell out here and I want nothing more than to huddle around that fire to warm up alongside them,” said liberal voter Anna Mayfield. “But do they really need to use children’s books for kindling when there’s a perfectly good American flag that’ll work just fine? I mean, I’m not criticizing them for their resourcefulness. It’s more the execution. Like, if you’re going to burn a book for warmth, it should be Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged.’ That thing is 1,000 pages and could heat an entire warehouse.”
Experts were quick to note how Republicans unintentionally support these books by putting a spotlight on them.
“Conservatives are actually hurting their own cause,” said political strategist Lauren Shoemaker. “Remember that one Dr. Seuss book that no one’s ever heard of that they wanted to ban? Well, it’s been on the New York Times bestseller list ever since because liberals have been buying them up by the truckload as a way to protest conservatives’ initial protest of the book. It’s a never-ending cycle. Unfortunately, liberals ended up having too many copies and they all ended up in those free tiny neighborhood libraries. As soon as we all realize no one reads books for fun anymore, the sooner we can move past this issue as a country.”
At press time, a number of Republican voters were having so much fun burning books that they completely forgot to cast their vote during the Iowa Caucus.
Article by Bobby Korec.
