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Hard Digest August 17: Price Gouging, Early Access The Decemberists, Potpourri, Palestine, Brat Summer, and More
🕑 Added 2024-08-18 00:00:04 +0000 UTCConservative Who Has Been Complaining About Grocery Prices Says Harris’ Price-Gouging Ban is Communism
By WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining about the price of groceries on a daily basis for the last three years.
“She’s really showing what a dirty ‘socialist’ she is, meaning she supports full-on hippie communism,” Wardmore said while readjusting his ankle monitor. “I can’t believe half the country wants this woman to stop corporations from artificially inflating the prices of groceries. This is America–a company should be able to mark up the price of basic necessities by 700% if they damn well want to. And of course, no word from her about the fact that Crooked Joe Biden has been making us real Patriots pay three times what we used to at Giant Eagle. He sets the prices personally in red states as a form of discrimination against Christians.”
Wardmore’s Gen-Z niece, Eileen Wardmore, weighed in on her uncle’s obvious lack of awareness regarding the irony of these statements in tandem.
“I swear to god, Uncle Jerry literally would not understand that every part of what he just said is incorrect if I had Donald Trump personally explain it to him,” said an exasperated Ms. Wardmore. “I keep saying ‘Uncle Jerry, first of all, the President doesn’t set grocery prices, the companies do, and they’re literally just charging more for no reason to make their CEOs more money,’ and he just refuses to hear me. I wound up yelling ‘she’s proposing exactly what you are asking for’ and ‘you don’t know what communism is,’ and storming out of the house. I told my mom that if I have to see him again, I’ll be a medical risk for a coronary at age 23.”
Sam Seder, host of the progressive talk political talk show The Majority Report, weighed in on the phenomenon.
“I see this kind of thing all the time,” Seder said, his hair visibly graying by the second. “People who have been brainwashed by the right complain about an issue that genuinely affects most of America, but the second someone on the left suggests a viable solution, they’re labeled as Commies or whatever. You could literally plug Harris’ policy proposal into one of those voice AI things and have Trump ‘say’ it, and his followers would ask why the Liberal Elites and the Biden Administration haven’t thought of this. We live in hell.”
As of press time, Wardmore was on Facebook posting an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris’ face overlaid on a flag of Mao Zedong.
The Decemberists Finally Locate Time Portal That Will Return Them to the 1830s
By Charles Bill
PORTLAND, Ore. — American indie band The Decemberists announced that they finally located a time portal that will allow them to return to the 1830s, confirmed sources who gave a “that explains everything” look.
“When we first pissed off that wizard who sent us to 2000, I thought we’d never make it back,” explained lead singer Colin Meloy. “But lo and behold, we found a portal to our home time in a Walmart in Gary, Indiana. Myself and the lads can’t wait to hop through and get back to our lives chopping timber, trapping beavers, and swabbing three-decker ships. Hopefully President Jackson believes our bogey tale and will reward us with a tidy stipend for our survival in this accursed era. I’ll even bring back a flashlight to impress my drinking fellows at the local tavern. What a machine!”
Although the band’s imminent departure might be concerning to fans, special preparations were made to allow them to release new music.
“I’m sending our sound engineer Dave back with them,” said Decemberists’ manager Milo Oakland. “The majority of the music they released were just contemporarily popular shanties, ballads, bawdy tales, limericks, and riddles that didn’t make it to the 21st century. They then recorded it and we had some success. I struck a bargain with them that they’d keep recording these songs and bury them in a lead vault under the future site of the Empire State Building, and I’ll go down and dig them up and release them. In exchange I downloaded a list of bare-knuckle boxing champs of the 1800s for them to gamble on and get rich. If they knew how to use a computer I’d really be out of a job.”
Not everyone is so happy about the indie-rock group’s trip back to the antebellum era.
“What am I supposed to listen to while tending my lighthouse?” asked superfan Donald Potter while oiling his mustache and adjusting his suspenders. “I am out there every single day getting battered by waves and saving mariners from crashing into the rocky coast of Maine, and I’m supposed to do that listening to Foster the People like a jackass? This is most unwelcome news and I’ll be telling that to my antique globe collecting club.”
At press time, the band had reconsidered their return when they learned about the Civil War that was to occur a few decades later.
I Ate a Handful of That Potpourri We All Want To Try in Our Aunt's Living Room and Here’s What Happened
By You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to grab a handful, shake it around in your palm, and toss it in your mouth like a Dad eating sunflower seeds. Let’s just get that out of the way. The crunch potential alone is titillating. The textures? Endless. A bowl of orange peels, cinnamon sticks, and tendrils that look like special edition veggie straws just sitting there looking like a snack. And I mean that in every sense of the word. To be honest, aunts usually cannot be found eating, and sometimes I’ve thought that maybe this stinky centerpiece is the fuel they guzzle down in the dead of night.
It lives in the suburbs, so when I am confronted with its powerful energy I’ve usually been running on diet pepsi and ambrosia salad for the last few days. I’m between a rock and a hard place when I turn the corner and this bowl of delights stares back at me. Everyone leaves the room to play an uncomfortable round of Apples to Apples and my hand is magnetized to the bowl with the dried ones, shriveled and tan and perfect. I stare down the dry soup as my mouth waters and the dog in the corner starts to shake with the mere buzzing I’ve created in the room from my desire. The fact that I’ve waited this long is a testament to my personal strength.
Finally, I tossed it back. I sucked on the tiny sticks, and popped open the dry seedlings. Impeccable. Just as we all imagined. An experience that took Guy Fieri’s “mouth feel” to a whole new level. My only report is that you should follow your gut, lean into the intrusive thoughts, let the fumes take you away. It was like scooping brush off the ground of a Lord of The Rings set. It took me places. When I was a child I used to think I could see The Never Ending Story dragon, and the most sane thing I can say about this experience is that I spent an afternoon with him again. My energy was collected and cleansed in an indescribable light. I felt new, like a baby. I stirred on the couch hours later, blinking the beige tones into focus, feeling the plastic covering crunch beneath me on the couch. I had to speak to my Aunt. She nodded knowingly as I told her, with a smile so slight that my suspicions confirmed themselves. And guess what? Michaels. Two bags for $15.99 and they last MONTHS.
Pro-Palestine March Turns Back Around to Protest Latest War Crime IDF Committed Since Demonstration Began
By Matt Husser
PORTLAND, Ore. — A pro-Palestine march has reportedly changed courses today after it turned back around to begin a new protest condemning the latest IDF war crime committed since the demonstration began, sources confirmed.
“We came out an hour ago to protest a refugee camp bombing and we’ve already had to turn back around to begin a new protest when the IDF shot up a field hospital,” said pro-Palestine demonstrator Casey Heinz, crossing off “no bombing schools” and writing “stop shooting doctors.” “And these are just the ones making international news, we can’t even keep up with all the videos IDF soldiers are posting that start with ‘hey, check out this sweet war crime.’ Alright folks, we’re turning around again—the IDF just bombed two more schools.”
The unpredictable nature of the marching route has reportedly caused confusion among the local police force tasked with violently regulating the peaceful demonstration.
“Me and the boys came out here to bust some heads, but we can’t seem to pin these slippery bastards down! Every time we get a blockade set up they turn around and head a different direction with some new protest,” said Officer Bart Tillman, chugging a Gatorade. “We thought we had them for a minute, but we got all confused and accidentally kicked the shit out of a 5k fun run. Thankfully it was only a fundraiser to benefit the ACLU so we didn’t feel bad, but still.”
Meanwhile the Israeli Defense Forces condemned the prolonged march and unorthodox route the protestors were taking.
“It is simply unacceptable that the US government has allowed this terrorist group to spread their propaganda through this threatening walking display. Not to mention that our intelligence has indicated that they are likely spelling out something sinister with their GPS route to send secret messages to our enemies,” said Herzi Halevi, Chief of the General Staff for the Israeli Defense Forces. “See that line there? Clearly the beginning of an H for Hamas. God only knows the damage they will be able to inflict by the time they get to the S.”
At press time, a protester who had been marching back and forth since the Rafah Tent Massacre reported that his fitbit finally exploded.
Quiz: Is It “Brat Summer” or Undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
By Alex Vlahov
You rebel, you. Doing your thing in the sun. Blithely walking through life undisturbed. Tossing your hair without care. Sounds like you’re having a “brat summer,” as you should be. Still, one can’t help but wonder where the line is between embodying the pure essence of “brat,” or accidentally showing red flags of narcissistic behavior. Sure, personality disorders run in your family, but you’re different! You’re unique! You’re a cut above the rest. Here are several Charli XCX lyrics from her 2024 album (titled, you guessed it, ‘Brat’) to see which response is aligned with your untroubled sunny days:
Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that’s the word on the street /
You’re obsessin’, just confess it, put your hands up
(from “Von Dutch”)
A. You act naturally and have a healthy awareness of your attraction while at the beach, choosing fits that make you feel the most confident.
B. You know that everyone is obsessed with your body and face-card, which is why you AirDrop your nudes and unwelcomely hit on a tanning couple. When they ask you to leave, you claim to have been there first and plant your umbrella in the ground, making loud videos about how rude others can be on the beach.
When you’re in the mirror, do you like what you see? /
When you’re in the mirror, you’re just looking at me
(from “360”)
A. You only invite out the people you want to see, and that’s OK because life is too short. You get tipsy, but not enough to lose control, just enough to have fun.
B. You are often black-out drunk, and alone. If anyone ever goes out partying with you, you seek revenge by making AI porn with their likeness and send it to their family members.
Who the fuck are you? I’m a brat when I’m bumpin’ that
Now I wanna hear my track, are you bumpin’ that??
(from “365”)
A. You make custom clothes (without any self-consciousness) for your nights out, re-utilizing thrift finds or stitching your own fits together. People love your bold, eye-catching style, a sartorial compliment to any social outing.
B. The only way you can get people to like you is to talk about new music, so you hog the aux cord and force everyone to listen to critic-approved avant-garde pop, name-dropping bands you’ve been backstage with, while party guests actively avoid you.
You say she’s problematic and the way you say it, so fanatic
Think she already knows that you’re obsessed
(from “Mean Girls”)
A. You embark on a spur-the-moment road trip to a famous historic dive bar and remote abandoned theme park with your best friend, followed by a morning spent wandering the coast without telling anyone your whereabouts. You try to live in the present without worrying about the future too much.
B. You borrow your roommate’s car to take a self-care cross country vacation, blaming the theft on “immigrants” and then counter-suing for emotional distress. When you get back, you lie about running in social circles with Glenn Beck when you really meant to say Glen Powell.
I followed you to the bathroom /
But then I felt crazy /
I’m feeling like I’m on fire /
‘Cause we’ve been keeping this a sеcret
(from “Talk Talk”)
A. You go to the bathroom for a discreet vape or bump with beloved friends before dancing the night away with hot strangers. You have a summer fling but end it because setting boundaries and firmly saying “no” has never been a problem for you.
B. A girl is making advances on a guy you’re interested in, so you squirt Visine into her glass and loudly make fun of her when she becomes violently ill. Lie to the staff and deny despite surveillance footage, only to turn the evening’s trauma into a viral front-facing TikTok about the “horrors” you experienced.
‘Cause I’ve been looking at you so long /
Now I only see me
(from “Apple”)
A. You politely decline to bring your friend to the airport since it conflicts with a hot date.
B. You delete a friend’s number for ever asking such a cheugy question, unless they were a status symbol acquaintance that can elevate the clubbing of your “brat girl summer.” Alt answer: maybe, but if they pay you in cigarettes. French brands only.
If you answered A to these questions then good news, you are a well-adjusted human. If you answered B then you need to seek help immediately.
Sony Announces a New Spider-Man Villain Solo Movie Every Year Until Their Demands Are Met
BY Charles Bill
CULVER CITY, Calif. — Sony Pictures has announced plans to release a new Spider-Man villain solo movie every year until their demands are met.
“Unless you want to see a C-tier Black Cat solo film, you better start listening up,” said Sony Pictures president and cinematic terrorist Tony Vinciquerra. “First of all, we want a billion dollars. Second, we want to be able to use Spider-Man again. Third, we want the U.S. nuclear codes. You give us that, and maybe we can think of taking the Bad Bunny El Muerto movie off of our release slate. If not, we are going to keep churning out superhero movies for no one that look like they were made in 2005. You’ve been warned.”
The producers of the Sony Spider-Man Universe, which has never actually included Spider-Man, believe they can make these films perpetually.
“Tony isn’t bluffing; we have plans for the next dozen of these stinkers,” said Sony executive Donna Hinkle. “What’s crazy is this is our best effort. We are trying our hardest to make good movies that people like, but we keep coming up with a Morbius or a Madame Web. I guess the only thing to do with our level of incompetence is weaponize it and make ultimatums. Trust me, you don’t want to see our Sinister Six movie. It is absolute trash. Renny Harlin turned us down to direct. Renny fucking Harlin. That was a low moment for us.”
Although the prospect of a new Spider-Man villain film every year strikes a note of terror for most, fans of the SSU are overjoyed.
“I’m so pumped! Me and the other four fans are going to see it on opening night,” said SSU fan and idiot Ian Foles. “I’m hoping for a big team-up movie between Morbius, Madame Web, and Kraven the Hunter. How cool would that be? All of our favorite anti-heroes in one spot, ready to do some anti-heroics. As long as we keep away from crossing over with those dipshits in the MCU, things will be great.”
At press time the UN Security Council agreed to give Sony whatever they want as long as they didn’t make a Hobgoblin solo film.
