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Hard Digest September 27: Early Access Green Day, Tim Burton, J.D. Vance, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-28 00:00:06 +0000 UTCGreen Day Reveals “American Idiot” More Specifically About Time Tré Cool Ate Big Plate of Lasagna and Didn’t Wait 30 Minutes Before Going in Pool
By Bobby Korec
RODEO, Calif — Bay Area punk band Green Day revealed that their 2004 release “American Idiot” was more specifically a concept album about the time drummer Tré Cool ate a large serving of lasagna and didn’t wait at least 30 minutes before going in the pool, confirmed sources who had a hunch that’s what it meant.
“As you may already know, all of our albums have themes to them,” said singer Billie Joe Armstrong. “‘Dookie’ is about stepping in dog crap as soon as you walk outside and how that ruins your day, ‘Warning’ is about us knowing the exact events of September 11th a year before it actually happened and alerting everyone about it through song, and ‘American Idiot’ is about the time Tré had a lethal combination pasta, ricotta cheese, and Ragu sauce and immediately jumped into the pool upon completion. We’ve been calling him the American Idiot ever since that incident. In fact, ‘Nimrod’ was also about Tré doing the same thing. That man can’t get enough Italian food and water-based activities.”
Fans of the band were excited to finally understand what the record was all about.
“I always suspected ‘American Idiot’ had a deeper meaning, but I was just never 100% sure. Kind of just thought it was about masturbation, like much of their previous work,” said longtime fan Jason Abbigal. “The song ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ actually makes sense now, because pool parties generally cease at the end of that month. Either way, every time I listen to a new album I need to know precisely what it stands for, and now I can finally enjoy ‘American Idiot’ to its full extent.”
Music historian Grace Tennenbaum was well-aware that the content on these kinds of releases can surprisingly be quite mundane.
“Concept albums have always been highly specific in ways that are completely underwhelming when you find out,” said Tennenbaum. “For instance, Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ is about applying drywall correctly. Coheed and Cambria’s ‘In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3’ explores the mating rituals of gophers. And the Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds’ is about plain old beastiality. It’s probably better if we didn’t know any of this.”
At press time, Green Day revealed that they were working on a new album about the time bassist Mike Dirnt had too much Chipotle and was in the bathroom for a good 45 minutes.
“Did Edward Scissorhands Perform His Own Circumcision?” and Other Questions We Were Planning To Ask Tim Burton Before He Walked out of Our Interviewsed out of Our Interview
By Here at the Hard Times, it’s not like we get to interview a film visionary very often. We’re just a small-time punk news website, so when the opportunity to sit down with legendary director Tim Burton came along, we just had to pounce. After all, the guy is seen as an absolute pioneer in modern goth culture. This was the most promising moment of our careers, and we’re big enough to admit that we completely fucked the dog on this one.
Like, we royally blew it, to the point where we got a half hour into the interview before realizing we had even forgotten to record it. It’s not pretty, but here’s what we were able to salvage:
Tim Burton: “— directed or produced over 20 films AND I’ve just received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, yet the entirety of this interview has been focused solely on the anatomy of one of my characters from a movie that came out 34 years ago. Did you even watch it? How, and if, he performed certain bodily functions isn’t the fucking point.”
The Hard Times: “We’re sorry, Mr. Burton, and we promise we’ve seen MOST of the movie. Granted it was decades ago, on TBS, but we’re pretty sure we got the gist of it. We’ve just been plagued with these questions ever since, and —”
TB: “‘Beetlejuice Beetlejuice’ just came out in theaters. It’s the sequel to arguably my biggest work, and it’s been hotly anticipated by millions for over 30 years. I’m currently on a press tour for it, which is the reason I agreed to this interview in the first place. Were you going to ask me about it?”
HT: “Oh shit, you directed ‘Beetlejuice?’”
TB: “Jesus Christ.”
HT: “Wow, that’s really interesting. Now that we know this, we actually have some questions about the mating habits of those big sandworms. How would they —”
TB: “Forget it, I’m done with this interview.”
At that point, he just stood up and walked out of our offices, which kind of left us hanging considering how much we still wanted to ask him. Here’s a (by no means exhaustive) list of the outstanding questions we had:
– Was Edward Scissorhands circumcised? If so, did he perform the procedure himself? He seemed pretty capable with those scissors, and we sincerely doubt he had health insurance, so it would’ve been a total money-saver.
– How was Edward Scissorhands able to safely hold his penis while urinating?
– Was masturbation just completely off the table for Edward Scissorhands, or had Vincent Price’s character constructed some sort of device for him?
– Testicular self-exams are important, yet the thought of Edward Scissorhands conducting one is a fucking nightmare. Why was this dilemma not explored in the film?
Oh well, we’re going to look on the bright side here and take this as a learning experience. At least we know now that the questions we have planned for our upcoming interview with David Cronenberg need A LOT of rework.
Polls Show J.D. Vance Performing Favorably Among Men Who Think the Bartender Is Flirting With Them
By WASHINGTON — Ohio senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance is enjoying a high favorability rating from men who misconstrue the routine fulfillment of job duties by bartenders for flirting, according to a recent independent poll.
“J.D. Vance? Oh yeah, he’s great,” reported bar patron Robert Carruthers. “I love what he’s said about childless women wanting everyone to be miserable because they’re in fact miserable themselves. I actually mentioned that to the bartender a few minutes ago, hoping that she would understand how much more fulfilled she would be if she settled down and started a family with a nice guy like me. She glanced at me and asked if I needed another Miller Lite, so she’s definitely interested. She’ll have to get rid of that septum piercing, though. I’ll have to make that her first wifely duty.”
Vance himself was overjoyed to hear of his popularity amongst this subpopulation.
“This is yet another victory in the fantastic run we’ve been having towards making me the next vice president,” the senator said. “While I don’t support women in the workplace I do know it’s common knowledge that a bartender smiling at you and asking what you want to drink is a clear sign that she’s got the hots for you romantically, and if she makes polite small-talk with you about the weather, you might as well marry her on the spot and turn her into an honest woman. I’m not at all surprised that the men in this country who are smart enough to understand this also know that I’m much better suited for the job than Tim Walz. Obviously, we’ve all seen that he has absolutely zero political draw compared to me.”
Political strategist Isabel Rivera was confused about Vance’s takeaway from these findings.
“This shouldn’t even need to be said, but having an avid following of socially backward rejects who view women as babymaking machines is not a recommended campaign strategy,” Rivera remarked. “Given comments that Vance has both made and doubled-down on, I’m not surprised, but at some point he’s going to have to use rhetoric that’s at least slightly less repugnant and pathetic if he wants to expand his appeal. He can’t ride the coattails of the literal cult his running mate started forever.”
At press time, the Vance campaign was celebrating a new poll showing his favorability among grown men who become incensed at the nationalities of characters in children’s movies.
Showoff? This Guy is Washing Both His Hands After Using the Bathroom
By Dom Turek
Lately it seems the world is increasingly full of self-righteous dickheads dropping subtle hints as to how I should live my life. Whether it be my wife flossing next to me twice a day or my coworker who always covers his face when he sneezes, these virtue signalers are clearly only doing this to keep up appearances, as I can find no other logical explanation for this level of gloating.
The “look at me” culture has even spread to our public bathrooms. Though it may seem like an innocuous place, look closely and the Regal Cinemas men’s room is full of showboating.
During one of my last visits, I had just finished taking a two-flush dump when the man at the sink next to me washed his hands so vigorously that I ended up with some of his suds on me. I wanted to say, “Chill out man, there are no ladies to impress here,” that is unless this theater has become one of those gender-fluid bathrooms where anyone is free to come in and shame me for having a little pee on my hands, and a lot of pee on my jeans.
Call me old-fashioned, but I cannot imagine a situation just short of gutting a fish that would require me to wash both hands. Even after pounding a family-sized bag of Doritos half-asleep in the middle of the night, or dealing with the lavatory aftermath of Elk Tavern’s spicy wing night, I’ve only ever had to wash one hand. Similar to the justice system, why would I send both hands to jail when only one is guilty of a crime?
Just when I thought this guy at Regal couldn’t be more of a braggart, I saw steam rising from the sink like a pot of Sunday soup. Hot water and soap? You’d think this man was prepping for the most important surgery of his medical career but no, he’s just prepping to dive into some Sno-caps and a medium-sized popcorn. At this point, he might as well strip down naked and ask me to give him a sponge bath.
To my disbelief, he finished his performance with a trip to a hand dryer, a mechanism I’ve only ever used to dry my shoes after an impromptu rain storm. It says right on the sign that only employees have to wash their hands, but he couldn’t help himself from flexing on me. He’s no better than the other show-offs who obey yield signs and don’t smoke on airplanes.
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Todd Phillips Assures Fans Incel Sensitivity Readers Were Hired for Joker Sequel
BY HOLLYWOOD — Joker fans across the globe were reassured today after Joker: Folie à Deux’s writer and director Todd Phillips confirmed that incel sensitivity readers were used during production.
“There’s nothing more important than fair and accurate representation,” said known anti-union activist and self-proclaimed director Todd Phillips in a press interview. “Our massive audience of incels sees something in Joker. Identifies with him. As a voluntary incel myself, I knew the only way to accurately portray the character was to recruit a team of sensitivity readers well-versed with this culture.”
“It’s important for us to continue to push boundaries,” Phillips continued. “Right now, Hollywood won’t let you say anything controversial. You have to be opposed to Hitler and want a decent standard of living for everyone if you wanna succeed. Well, not on my set. It’s time to take a stand and give voice to the most oppressed minority of them all: men who hate women.”
Todd Phillips wasn’t the only one to speak about the sequel’s direction. Many of the sensitivity readers were happy to speak out about their experience on the film.
“It’s been an honor working on the sequel,” said sensitivity reader Robert Cane. “As much as I’d enjoyed the first film, I had some criticisms. Like the abundance of minorities and how that Sophie chick didn’t immediately sleep with Arthur, even though he clearly deserved it. That was really offensive to the community. But Todd’s looking to make amends,” Cane continued. “He’s already agreed to several important changes, like cutting out any female dialogue that isn’t laughing at Arthur’s jokes, and promising a minimum 80/20 wage-gap split in favor of male cast members. It’s taken until 2024, but finally, men around the world have a film made in their best interests.”
However, amid the praise, concerns have been raised. Some sections of the incel community are worried about Phillips’ ability to continue the Joker franchise.
“Nothing against Todd of course,” said comic book writer and inadvertent gay rights defender Chuck Dixon. “He did a fine job with Joker. If it weren’t for the Hangover 2, I’d be fully on-board with a Phillips sequel. Yet if the past is anything to go by, there’s just no guarantee he’s got what it takes. I mean what was with his insistence on showing us that Asian guy’s dong?”
At press time, Todd Phillips was ushered off stage after breaking down into tears, claiming he was a “nice guy.”
No, Actually, You Do Have to Be Transgender in Dragon Age. Put on the Socks
BY Ouro M
The year is 2024. Humanity has fallen. A semi-niche fantasy RPG with dragons and magic includes minority groups I personally dislike.
Clearly, the world has come to an end before my very eyes.
As I write this, from my secured apartment bunker in an undisclosed location right next to a cute little corner store still untainted by the forces of Woke, I hear banging at my front door.
“SELECT THE OPTION!” I hear them yell, as the Mad Mew Mew battering ram slams into my door. “SET YOUR GENDER OPTION TO NONBINARY, NOW!”
I clutch my Macbook, burning my hands as it struggles to run my stolen early copy of Dragon Age: The Veilguard. I don’t even like Dragon Age, but alas, for the forces of Facts and Logic, I must play. I must look. I have to.
I won’t relent. I may only have a 6th grade education, but God damn it, I know that boys don’t have boobies, and girls don’t fart. The transgender horde can’t convince me otherwise.
How could they? How could this game I don’t really care about lay down their morals? It’s a medieval setting! They can’t do complicated surgeries! Their magic doesn’t let them! It’s just not historically accurate!
My door comes down with a slam. The Woke Mob with their pronoun pins and blue hair, grab me by the shoulders, claiming my suffering laptop. “No!” I yell. “You can’t do this! The franchise’s integrity—”
I’m cut off by what appears to be their terrifying leader, a towering, glass-eyed shark-thing, fins plush even as the ‘IKEA BLAHÄJ’ tag scrapes my cheek. “Shh, we have you now. Put on the thigh-highs, and you will be spared.”
I thrash and scream as the socks are put on. Cheap, striped, straight off Amazon, another company bent to the will of the Left. I feel my will fading. I black out.
When I come to, alone in my suspiciously pristine apartment, I look down to find my Macbook in my lap, Veilguard open. To my horror, my untouched character now has horrific top surgery scars. I gasp in shock at the tiny, barely visible lines below my character’s chest. I can’t remove them — that would mean they’ve won.
Sobbing, I curl up on the floor, writing a tweet and sending it as tears stream down my face.
“They transed me. They fucking transed me.”
