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Through The Looking Glass - Part 2
🕑 Added 2022-08-05 13:07:27 +0000 UTCThe car was driving off and he was turning to go back inside, and trying not to break out into a flat-out run I walked faster. He was just starting and a small plane flew over and he turned to look up at the plane.
I was almost to the sidewalk and I called out, “Mr. Williams”, and waved to him. He stopped and looked at me and waved back. He stopped and waited for me and when I had crossed the street I started to talk to him, “Good morning Mr. Williams. This is really a beautiful day huh?” He responded, “Call me Brian, we’re neighbors now.” “Okay Brian, This is a really interesting house, it has a lot of character. You said yesterday that the first family that lived in the house had 3 children, a boy, and two girls. Do you know where they moved to?” He kind of looked down and then back up to me and said that they moved away, but didn’t know where after Mr. Hinton went into work one day and shot himself in the head. He had moved here from Detroit and was working at the Chevrolet dealership. By that time he had become the assistant general manager, and one day went into his office and shot himself. It was very sad. He was so upset after having lost his son.” “Lost his son, how did he lose his son”, I asked
The family had gone to the church picnic and Vernon, that was the boy's name, was beaten to death by a robber. Everyone was at the picnic since it was the fourth of July, but Vernon didn’t come with the family. He was kind of a homebody if you know what I mean.” I shook my head and questioned, “Homebody?” He took a deep breath and said, “You know, kind of a sissy boy.” He looked at the ground and then continued, “Well when the family came home they found him in his room and, oh it was just horrible. All four of them came running over here and my father and he went back, you see we were at the picnic also, well my father grabbed his shotgun, and the both of them went back over there and found the boy beaten to death. My father had said it was horrible. His head had been busted open and all his brains were spilled all over the floor.
Well the police came, and the ambulance took what was left of the poor boy and Mr. Hinton, oh well he was in an awful state. That was the only boy he had and he had such high hopes for him. The boy just never measured up to his expectations but that didn’t stop the two of them. They went to every place together. Mr. Hinton never missed one of the boy's activities at the high school. Football, basketball, baseball, they both attended them. He blamed himself you see for not making the boy come to the picnic. Well after the funeral, it was a closed casket affair since the boy was beaten so bad. It was a downright shame. He just couldn’t go on and went into work and pulled out a .38 revolver and splattered his brains all over a picture of the new 1972 Chevrolet Camaro that was just coming out the next year.
“You say that this happened on July 4th, 1971, do you know Vernon’s birthday”, I asked. “Now let me think, yeah it was June 14th so that would have made him 17 just like me. As a matter of fact, since thinking back on it now we both had our birthday parties together that year, you see my birthday is on the 18th so we just combined them and had a big blowout. We had fireworks and shot them off back behind your house since there were no houses built over there yet. They had just put in the foundations and you could walk directly from back there right up to your house.” He stopped and took out a handkerchief and wiped his head and asked, “Hey it’s getting kind of hot out here, why don’t you come in and you can have some lemonade and meet my wife? We hardly ever get out anymore and I’m sure that she would like to meet one of our new neighbors.”
I said thank you and followed him up to his house and we went inside. Going into the kitchen he called out, “Lilly we have company!” A lady came in off of the back porch saying that she was just out hanging out the wash. Brian introduced me to his wife, “I’m sorry I don’t remember your name?” My name is James. “Oh yeah that’s right I remember now, Well James this is my wife Lilly and we’ve been married for 47 years now. Lil, James was asking about Vernon and asking is hot work and I told him that we could get some lemonade.” His wife was very sweet and even though a bit on the heavy side she pulled 3 tall glasses out of the cupboard and pulled a large pitcher of iced lemonade out of the refrigerator set it down on the table and then poured out a glass for each of us. When I took mine I noticed they were jelly jars and I felt right at home. She sat down saying, “It was so hot being late June, now what did you want to know about Vernon?” I lied and told her that I was just looking online about Jacksonville since we had just moved here and I found some pictures of newspaper clippings but the text was all faded and way too small to read. I then brought her up to speed on what Brian and I were talking about. Brian pitched in that Lil was a Vernon expert and she added in that she had him in a few classes back in high school and even went to the junior prom with him. She mentioned that most of the boys didn’t like him but all the girls thought he was very cute and very well-mannered.
Then she added that she even had some pictures of him and she jumped up and went out of the kitchen very quickly. Brain continued, “Well mannered meant he was kind of a sissy boy like I told you. He never went hunting or fishing and he knew nothing about sports.” Lil came back in and sat down and opened up a large photo album. She flipped through a bunch of pages, and said, “Oh here it is and showed me a picture of a much thinner Lil standing beside a boy with wavy hair dressed in an oversize sports coat with a banner behind them saying Junior Prom 1971.
She said that was in May of 1971. I mentioned that she was taller than him and she responded, “Oh that was because of my heels, the first pair that I ever wore.” She took the picture back and looking at it said I do look taller than him but he wasn’t very tall.” Brian didn’t laugh and added, “And he won’t get any taller either.” Lil and he both laughed at each other and she playfully slapped his forearm. I knew that I was looking at my parents in 30 years. She told me that there was just something about him, “All the girls liked him and he seemed to like the girls but, well I don’t know he just seemed to not be like the other boys and that bothered some of the boys, and fathers as well. I know my dad didn’t care for him.” Brian then again added, “That’s because he was a sissy boy.” I stood and Brian and Lil walked me to the door. I thanked them for the lemonade and for the indulgence of their time and asked another question. What was the name of the two sisters that owned the house before we moved in? “It is Marsten”, they both said almost in unison, and then Lil added, “Janet and Janis Marsten, Janis was the one that died and Janet is the one in the assisted living home, Golden Glow Assisted Living. I go see her every Monday. I bring her word search puzzle books.” I then asked are you going to go this Monday, and she said that she was, and I asked her if I could ride along. I’d like to talk to her. She told me that I could and that she usually left sometime around 9AM.
Well, I thanked them again and went back to my house. I went back to my room and looked at the dress laying on the bed next to the shoes. A thought was forming in my mind, I looked at the time and saw it was just a little past 1PM and I called my mom asking how the car shopping was going and she said that they had just left the first dealership and were heading to the second one. She said that they should be back in about 2 or 3 hours. I asked was dad liked what he had found so far and she said he was like a kid in a candy store. Well, you can take your time, I’m going to be laying down and taking a nap. After hanging up I went back down to the basement to change the clothes from the washer to the dryer and saw that one wall was painted differently than the other ones, it was an old washed-out white. Right by the end of it there were old pencil marks that were scratched into the paint.
There was the name of Vernon and the date, 1964 and it was 4’ 5”, then following the years up to 1970 it stopped at 5’ 6” then there were no more height marks and also at that mark was the date 1971. So Vernon was 5’ 6” tall. I went back up to my room stopping by the bathroom to deposit some of the lemonade that I had been drinking. I stood at the foot of the bed, and let me say now I don’t know why I did what I did but I removed my clothes except for my boxers and stepped into the dress the way I had seen ladies on TV put on a dress.
I pulled it up to my shoulders and realized that the dress didn’t have a zipper in the back. I took it off and saw that it had buttons I tried again and saw that I wasn’t going to be able to reach behind me to button it up. I thought about this and I took it off again and began to button it up leaving about four of the top buttons unbuttoned. I got it up on my shoulders and this time I was able to reach behind me and button it. I smoothed down the skirt part and adjusted it but the waist seemed higher than what it should be. I thought it must be because girls had a higher waist than boys do. I stepped in front of the mirror and at first thought, I looked totally ridiculous but in the next fleeting moment I seemed, now I don’t know how to describe just how I felt but it was more of relaxed and softer. I know that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but it was a feeling, and how do you put that into words? But something wasn’t right, it was incomplete. Of course the shoes, so I took the shoes off of the bed and put them on the floor. I bent down and when I did, the skirt of the dress obscured the shoes so I had to work on putting them on by feel. My foot went into the right shoe and when I used my finger to guide the shoe over my heel it seemed to fit just perfect. With the left shoe, I gathered the skirt and lay that over my thigh so I could see the shoe, and with my left finger guided my heel into the shoe. I stood and they both seemed to fit almost perfectly. I turned and looked back into the mirror and I looked totally different. This time I had makeup on, I had little white gloves on my hands, and my hair was still just past my ears, but there was a little pink bow-shaped barrette on each side of my head. My legs had changed as well and were covered in white stockings.
I began to turn, or let me say the reflection began to turn. I know my body never moved. My face or the face in the mirror had a delighted delicate smile. I didn’t think I was smiling and suddenly the face in the mirror lost the smile and I know I didn’t turn but I was turning. A loud booming voice was yelling and echoing in my head. I followed, wait that’s not right I wasn’t turning at all but through my vision, I was turning and there was a huge man dressed in khakis slacks and a light-colored checkered buttoned-up shirt. He had dark-colored hair and a haircut that I knew was cut in what they used to call a “Flat top”, and he was walking very quickly in the room carrying a piece of steel rod about half an inch in diameter and about 2 feet long. The voice booming in my head chilled me to the soul. “You Goddamn prissy boy. I’ve tried to break you from wearing girls' clothes and now I’m going to do just that.” I could feel my voice leave my body, but it wasn’t my voice, “Oh please daddy don’t, I promise I won’t ever do it again, Oh daddy! Please don’t and I could see him swing. I could feel the steel hit my neck but I knew when it was happening that it was not happening to me. I flew to the floor and the huge hulk standing over me, and he swung again and this time he hit my head. The sharp pain coursed through my head and now the hulk was only visible through one eye. There were blood splatters on his shirt and he pulled the metal demise to the other side and with a backhand swing delivered a strike on my forehead I was trying to talk but not making any sense and not verbally issuing words, but just sounds. There was another strike from the other side and my sight became blackness which was broken up by strike after strike until there was only blackness. No longer any noise, sight, feeling, pain, there was nothing.
Light flooded my eyes making me blink at the brightness and my focus finally coming together on the figure standing in the mirror. The figure was once again smiling, but now it wasn’t delighted, it was much more sinister. Then the blackness came over me once more.
Reality.
I had never fainted before, so I don’t know if that is what happened or not. All I know is that when I woke up about 20 minutes had passed and I felt very weak. The first thought that I remember was hatred for the man that killed Vera. The hate in his eyes, the rage that emanated, and the lack of empathy for someone so weak. Then another thought flooded me, and it was a pity. How so many lives were ruined by controlling factors that controlled how this man thought and acted? He killed his own son or daughter for something that didn’t hurt anyone. Hunter, judge, and jury he made himself because of what? Shame from someone trying to control you. I wept, wept for both of them. No person is an island, and what you do affects so many beyond your awareness. He killed Vera, he killed himself, the family had to move, and he deprived his other children, and still, I wept for them all. I slammed my fist down on the floor very hard sputtering through tears, oh, why did this have to happen?
Slowly my tears stopped, drying on my face, but still in my heart, I wept. I stood and saw myself with red eyes, nasal mucus hanging from my nose, and sweat-plastered hair covering one eye I began to make myself right. The room had changed. Now it wasn’t a room but a death chamber, but knowing the truth I knew I could live here, I had to live here for Vera. I removed the dress and shoes and hung them in the back of the closet so no one could see, and hid the shoes not to be found. I took another shower and suddenly I began weeping again. I had never cried so much as I did that day. I dressed back in my clothes and then went and laid down quickly falling into a troubled sleep.
When I opened my eyes, I felt the room shaking but then just realized it was my mom. “Wake up honey, we’re back, your dad is outside and wants to show you the new car.” I sat up and she asked me, “Are you okay James?” I replied I was fine, still trying to chase away the cobwebs. “So he bought a new car? Well let’s go check this out”, I feigned happiness. I don’t think I’ll ever be an actor as my mom put her hand on my shoulder turning me around and asking, what’s wrong James? I told her I was very sleepy and tired and I just woke up. I went out of my room and then downstairs. My mother followed but first glanced around the room, showing her mother’s intuition, knowing there was something that was different.
I went outside and there was dad, standing right next to a brand new bright red brand new Subaru Crosstrek! It was really too cool. I jumped off the porch and ran over to it exclaiming, “Wow, you bought this!” He asked if I like it and I replied, “Like it, like it, are you kidding, it’s far out!” I didn’t see the look when he looked at mom, and mouthed the words, “Far out?” I went around the car and told him it was just too cool. I asked if I wanted to go for a ride, and I asked if we were still going out to eat. He said that we were and I asked what time. “In about an hour, is that okay”, was his reply. I told him then let's get ready and we can check it out then. It was really a nice car, but what was putting a damper on the moment was the way that they were looking at me. We all went back inside and standing in the kitchen I grabbed a bottle of cold water from the fridge and asked if anyone else wanted one. Dad said that I could get one for him. Mom asked if I was feeling alright and I said, “Sure mom, I feel fine.”
Dad asked if I really liked the car, and I said that I did, I really did, it was too far out! I then asked so what time are we leaving, and Mom suggested that we leave in about an hour. That way in case we had to wait for a table then we wouldn’t be late for the movie. Dad thought that this was a good idea and then I went back upstairs to start to get ready. At dinner, that night was a little bit annoying with mom asking if I was feeling alright, if I was okay, or if was there something bothering me. I didn’t have much of an appetite so I passed on a big meal and asked if I could just have a plate of onion rings and steak bites which was just an appetizer but more than enough for just one person. I wasn’t much interested in the movie, but I went along because my parents always liked the date combo thing, you know, a dinner and a movie. As the evening progressed I seemed less and less interested in the outing and by the time we got back I just said good night and went to bed. I wasn’t aware that mom was pushing all, “There are something wrong”, buttons with dad.
The next morning there was the sun shining in all bright, with the birds singing, just a normal beautiful day. I was just sitting up in the bed with my legs and knees pulled up to my chest covered with the blanket staring into the mirror. Mom came in followed by dad, and she sat on the edge of the bed while he stood in the doorway. “Look, now I know that there is something wrong, and I want to know what it is. I’ve been your mother for 17 years and we want to know what’s wrong. I looked first at mom and then at dad, and then back at mom. She just sat there looking at me and I finally replied, “No you don’t” and then stared back in the mirror. They both looked at me really strange and dad stepped into the room and stood at the foot of my bed asking what was wrong. I looked at him and said that there was nothing wrong, everything was peachy keen, really far out. He stared in again saying, “James, you can talk to us, if there is something wrong, or if you don’t feel well then just let us know, now please tell us what is wrong?” I looked at him and told him he was blocking the mirror.
He turned and looked at the mirror, and then back at me and “team tagged”, mom and it was now her turn. It was like a cheap wrestling match in Podunk Jacksonville Illinois. She then tried the direct upset approach with a touch of too much salt and standing demanded, “James we’re not stupid, and we know there’s something wrong and we want to know what it is, and we aren’t leaving this room unless you tell us now!”
I looked at her, and then switched to dad, and then back to her, “Okay I’ll tell you what’s wrong, I’ll tell you both what’s wrong. I want to start identifying as a female, I want to start dressing as a girl. I want to change my gender from male to female. I want to wear dresses, grow my hair long, have pretty nails, take estrogen and spironolactone, have breasts, wear bras and have an orchiectomy performed. I’m not sure about a vaginoplasty at this time, but it is too soon to even begin to consider. Oh, and I want dad to move and not block the mirror.”
Well, this rained on their parade. No that’s not correct, this tornado is on their parade. Mom looked at dad, dad looked at mom, and they both looked at me. Then mom in her knowing motioned for dad to move out of the way and not block the mirror. I looked at both of them and I told them that it is a shock and that they weren’t expecting it, but that is what I want. You can send me to a therapist, as a precaution, and to make sure that I don’t have any other mental issues which are what I think you should do right now. But for the time being dressing as a girl and to start identifying as a female won’t hurt anyone. It will only make me content and please me to know that you care enough to consider my feelings. You can hope it’s a phase, and that I’ll snap out of it but I won’t. I looked at dad and said, “If I need to I can always freeze my sperm so that if I find a surrogate at a later date you can still have grandchildren.”
Mom said well I’m going to go and cook breakfast and after we have eaten I take you to our bedroom and I’ll start to show you how to present yourself as a girl. I knew this was the psychological approach and it is what she should have done. It is the only logical thing that she could have done. After the ritual swilling of pig fat and poultry embryos, mom and I went back to her bedroom and we began the process of falling down the rabbit hole.
Mom’s, “Becoming Female 101”, started with me preparing my body. She asked if I had any razors, and I told her that I have one that can be used for a while and I also have a brand new one. “That should be good for your underarms. Now I want you to only shave your underarms and you will probably have to shave around your anus. It may burn you there if you use a depilatory cream, and if you need help I have a mirror that can help. She stepped into her bathroom and brought me a rectangular mirror. Then she handed me a pump spray bottle and a small nylon kitchen spatula and told me that this is what I use to rid my body of hair. It works very well except on my underarms where it burns. I know you don’t have a lot of chest hair except for that little patch in the center and you can shave that or try the depilatory spray, but be careful, I don’t want you to get it into your eyes. Once you’re hairless we can start, and you can use my bathroom if you want. I went and got my razors and also stripped down to my boxers and put on a robe. I went into her bathroom and began with the spray and spread it with the spatula. It didn’t burn as much as it tingled. While that was working I shaved my face, underarms, around my anus, and my butt cheeks. When I was done she inspected me and asked how I felt. I told her I felt wonderful. She smiled, the first smile since we started, and then we progressed onto the second semester.
She showed me how to shape my eyebrows. I have thick eyebrows and with her tips, I soon had lovely arched eyebrows. Her tip of gum pain medication worked very well. On my own, I never would have thought of that. I personally think it is just fooling ourselves with trust in medications that so many people seem to have. Since we both have somewhat the same shade of skin her foundation worked very well. She showed me how to do one eye, and I picked up on it very quickly, which I think impressed her. Her comments on my hair were something that I needed and in the end, I think she agreed until my hair lengthened soft all-over waves would be the best way to proceed. Together we completed the facial and the hair, and as I was looking at the results she stepped back and said that we now have to get you into a dress. I told her that I had one that I wanted to wear at least today. I left and came back with Vera’s dress and shoes. She thought it was kind of old-fashioned but she said it looked nice and we could get more. She said I even have some that I have outgrown that would fit you perfectly I think.
She said that the boxers wouldn’t work and I tried her panties but they were too large. She looked in her drawer and pulled out a pair of pantyhose that had never been opened. “I bought these by mistake and I never returned them. They are too small for me and should work for the time being.” She showed me how to put them on and then said don’t worry about a bra for now. We’ll go shopping in a little while and get you some. Then she handed me a white camisole and said just use this for now. She gave me a half slip and said I should tuck the cami (her nickname) it into the slip. Then she showed me how to put the dress on easier. Once I was completely dressed she went with me to my room and I looked into the mirror. The first time I looked into the mirror I saw Vera, but she didn’t have the sinister look on her face any longer. I turned from side to side and the figure in the mirror mimicked my actions. I kept staring at the figure and it was then that I noticed that the figure in the mirror was changing and in a couple of minutes it was completely me. My mother was sitting on the edge of my bed and I turned to her and breathlessly said, “Oh mommy, it’s so beautiful, oh thank you, thank you so much, oh I love you so”, and I hugged her. I could tell she was quite surprised by this. And petted my hair as I laid my head on her shoulder. Then she asked me when I started to speak in a feminine voice. I just told her that it was how I always spoke. She just looked at me and I don’t think she questioned it anymore.
She took me back to her room and she fetched a white purse for me and told me to go put my ID in there. I can’t begin to tell you the joy I felt at me finally being dressed as what I was. I came back and joined her in her room. She gave me a couple of other things for my purse, lipstick, a small compact, a travel size of tissues, and a small spray bottle of perfume. She sprayed my neck behind my ears first and changed shoes and told me I looked very pretty. We went downstairs and my dad was in the living room watching a baseball game on TV. When he saw me his mouth just fell open.
Wow! I expected to see a boy in a girl's dress, but all I see is a lovely young lady. I bashfully replied, “Oh daddykins, that’s so sweet of you”, and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Mommy went over and asked him for the keys to the car. “Where are you two going he asked as he fetched out the keys to the car and handed them to her”, he inquired. “Honey we’re going to White Oaks. Our daughter needs something and besides, I want to go shopping with my daughter”, mommy told him. We spent the rest of the day getting everything I needed and many things I wanted. It was after dark when we got back. She even bought me a new phone and said that my old one was just not for a young lady. She came in when I was laying in bed in my new pajamas that she bought me and asked me if I was happy. I told her I was and she told me that she called into work tomorrow, and said that she wanted to spend all day with me. I told her about me going to go and visit Janet Marsten and she said that was fine, and that she would drive both Lil and me to the assisted living community.
I wore the same dress as we offered to drive Lil to see Janet the next day and at first neither she nor Brian recognized me. We told Lil first and then Brian walked into the room and he saw me it was very hard for him to get his mind wrapped around who I was. He kept saying, “No it can’t be, well I never would have guessed.”
The assisted living community was very nice and Janet Marsten was sitting with three other ladies playing cards. I know that she was 88 but she looked very good. I walked up and kind of stepped out from behind Lily and asked, “Remember me Roe”, she dropped her cards and looked at me, and said, “Oh my god. What are you doing here?” I could see tears flooding her eyes and I hugged her and told her that it was alright, and she wasn’t far away and I’d come and visit her all the time until I started back to school. She was shaking so and said, “Oh Vera I’ve missed you so, you know Jany passed.” I nodded and told her that I knew and then added, “Roe, it’s Jammi Vera now, and you know that I know everything.” We hugged and she cried some more and told me that she missed me again and she introduced me to her friends.
I told mommy and Lil that they could leave me there and I told mommy she could pick me up and we could go and have lunch. Janet told me about what she did each day and we hugged again and again. We sat outside on the patio and I read to her, I even got to play the piano for her again, and we talked and talked and she cried some more saying how much she had missed me.
I visited Roe almost every day after that and we would talk and play dominoes. A lot of her friends became my friends as well. She is 91 and I know she will pass soon, but at least we have now. I visit her every day when I come back in from college which I do every weekend. I’m on estrogen and I had my orchiectomy and I’m still not sure if I’m going to have my vaginoplasty, my boyfriend doesn’t want me to, he’s so cute.
So if you haven’t figured it out, Vera didn’t take me over or control what I do. We both just gave parts of ourselves and now we are both extremely happy. Like Roe and Jany living together, that’s how we are. I gave her my sensitivity, my intelligence, and my empathy and she gave me her passions, her drive, and her apathy. Together we make a total person. Of course, we have each other's memories and I could tell you stories about Lil that would have you saying, “No way, not that sweet old lady.”
So have you answered the question yet?
