perizou
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What happened these last few months?
🕑 Added 2023-12-31 08:21:43 +0000 UTCHey everyone! A while back, I said that I would give a full explanation about everything that has been happening lately. And here it is. If you are on Discord, you don't have to read this again. I'll send this message on both platforms.
There is a TLDR at the end if you don't want to read a lengthy life story.
Things have been weird for a time. It all started when I got sick, I want to say 3-4 months ago. I've been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years. It started to help me focus more since I've been struggling with that, and I wanted to be sure if I had ADHD or something along those lines. But we haven't been able to do the proper tests yet (My health insurance doesn't cover the exams, and they are PRICEY). Still, she's been helping me a lot in dealing with impostor syndrome, self-hate, being too critical of myself, and not giving myself days off. For context, in the last 4 years, since I started writing, I've only taken around 10 days off. Not counting the days I didn't work because I was sick or the ones where I messed up by getting distracted or wasting time with random things and decided not to work when it was already 10AM, and I was too tired to do anything.
Then we talked about other stuff. Family, friends, self-esteem, the usual. Eventually, we hit a few points that made us both worried about me having depression again. I had when I was a teenager, and that helped me notice the signals before they snuck up on me. It started with small things, like waiting too long to clean my room or not feeling like getting up after waking up for hours before my day actually started. Those are just the things I felt familiar with my depression. Keep in mind that this is only my own experience with this. If you have anything similar, don't jump to conclusions and try to look for help. Don't self-diagnose everyone. That is a recipe for disaster.
Anyway, after that, she referred me to a psychiatrist. Since we both agreed that this could be something, she suggested that I start taking meds. I never liked that idea, mostly due to fear of getting addicted or dependent. But after mulling it over for some time, I agreed to that. This is when things got weird. After I got sick with an infection in my tonsils, I started taking the meds. I don't remember the name of the first, but it didn't have that much of an effect. Only feel some slight dizziness every now and then. But there were no good effects. I didn't get better, more focused, or anything. A month and a half later, I changed meds to another one, and that one was rough. It messed me up HARD. I felt like I was constantly drunk or high without the added benefit of being relaxed. It was just a struggle to think and move. Also, I was getting dizzy once every hour. It took me 1 month to get used to that medicine and the effects to lessen enough so I could return to some semblance of normalcy. But that was it. I got close to my normal state. There was no benefit in me taking the meds. I wasn't getting better or more focused. Just less woozy. And not even completely sober then.
I talked with the doctor again, explaining the situation, and he agreed that if this wasn't working, I should stop. But that medicine required a period of adaptation where I took less and less every day until I stopped. I did that, and then I was hit with another set of side effects. Including the odd feeling of being able to hear my eyes moving. Yep, you read it right. I could HEAR MY EYES MOVING inside my own head. That was wild, to say the least, but also extremely distracting and messed up my balance too.
Then, early this month, I finally was clear of all that. Well, not all; I still hear my eyes every now and then. But not enough to be a problem. Then, I struggled a bit with the flip side of things. Not getting the effects from the medicine was a bit of a hit to my mental health. Feelings of 'not even this helps' and stuff like that. Not to mention, it's the end of the year, and that is not a period of the year that I'm doing that well. Also, I tried to reconnect with my friends during this month, so I was out for a lot of time, including almost all of the weekends.
So that's it. That's why it took me so long to catch up like I should. And the reason why I didn't say anything is because I didn't feel good about this. I still don't, in all honesty, but now I'm at a point where I don't think letting people know about this struggle will make it harder. Before, I knew that if I told you all, I would feel more pressure to get better. As if I was making excuses for why I was struggling. All that is BS, and I know it. There is no reason for me to think that or feel that pressure. But I had to think about what would help me the most, and sharing this wasn't it.
TLDR: I was taking depression meds. That messed me up and made it harder to write. Now I stopped it (with the advice of my doctor), and now I'm better.
One more thing. Things are looking up, and next year, we will have a new story. We already have some people in the discord server helping me to figure things out, and if everything goes well, that will be up in late January/early February.
