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Unmarried Elder Woman vs Kid Menace
🕑 Added 2025-06-16 13:17:54 +0000 UTCIn a private room of a club nestled deep within Tanzaku Gai’s Gambler’s Haven, chaos was brewing, though for now, it looked deceptively peaceful.
On one side of a low table, two women lay passed out. One of them, a striking blonde, snored softly with her head pressed against the table, a sake cup still loosely held in her fingers. The other, a gentle raven-haired woman, was curled up on the floor mat, hugging a plump pink piglet to her chest. All three of them, woman, woman and the piglet were in the throes of deep sleep, completely undisturbed.
That peace was shattered in an instant as the door to the room slammed open with the force of a charging bull.
The sleeping occupants didn’t even flinch.
From the doorway entered two figures. The first was a lean, sharp-eyed man with spiky brown hair combed to one side, wearing the standard uniform of a Cloud shinobi.
The second was a massive, towering man with blondish-white hair swept back, a small mustache, a heavy goatee, and the overwhelming presence of a mountain on the move. He wore a white haori over his bare, muscled torso, baggy pants clamped in place with a championship-style belt, and a distinct hat hanging behind his back marked with the unmistakable kanji of Raikage.
Raikage A of the Hidden Cloud was furious.
His teeth ground together audibly as he stormed into the room, glancing down at the drunken women with narrowed eyes. "She actually had the gall to ignore me," he growled, his voice deep and heavy with fury. He marched forward, each step heavier than the last, then roared:
"WAKE UP, TSUNADE!"
The blonde woman stirred slightly at the call of her name, her eyes fluttering halfway open. She groaned, "...Hn? Who...?"
Amai, the shinobi behind A, stepped forward quickly and introduced with a sigh, "The Shadow of the Cloud Village, Raikage A-sama."
Tsunade blinked, squinting through her haze of intoxication. Then a bright smile formed on her face. "Oh, what a surprise."
A nearly exploded. "WE HAD THIS TALK JUST LAST NIGHT!" he yelled, slamming his massive fist down on the table.
The table, to no one’s surprise, exploded into splinters under the force of the impact.
Only then did they realize something truly unexpected.
Amid the shattered remains of the table, curled up in a ball, was a blue-haired boy with tinted sunglasses, clutching a sake bottle to his chest and snoring lightly.
Everyone froze.
Ren, barely stirred by the commotion, blinked sleepily as he sat up, squinting first at Tsunade, then at A. His head tilted once, then again. His brows furrowed in sleepy confusion.
Then, with all the grace of someone still mostly unconscious, he muttered, “Nah… dream’s too weird,” and flopped back down, snuggling unconsciously closer to Tsunade as if drawn by comfort.
A blinked, then turned to Tsunade and asked bluntly, "Isn’t this your brat?"
Tsunade, still a bit hazy, nodded automatically. Then she frowned, blinked rapidly, and shouted, “He’s a brat from my village, not my brat, you brat!”
A snarled back, “Haaah?!”
At that moment, the door opened again and Kimura stepped in, immediately assessing the scene. His shoulders dropped slightly at the sight of the destruction, but he still walked forward calmly.
He gave a respectful nod and addressed Tsunade directly, "I’m sorry about Ren, Tsunade-sama. I’ll take him away now."
He moved to collect the unconscious boy, but just as he reached down Ren vanished from his grasp.
In a flash, Tsunade had pulled Ren into her arms, adopting a guarded posture with her eyes narrowed coldly at Kimura. Her gaze locked on the Root symbol visible on his shoulder.
Her tone was deadly calm. “What do you want with him?”
Kimura immediately raised both hands in a placating gesture. “Ah! Tsunade-sama, don’t worry! I’m not here to kill Ren. I mean, I was originally sent to kill him, but that was two months ago, and I don’t want to kill him anymore! I just follow him. Everywhere.”
That did not help his case.
Seeing Tsunade’s expression grow colder by the second, Kimura quickly added, “Please! Let’s just wake him up. He’ll explain everything, he always does. You’ll understand once he talks. I swear.”
As a last-ditch effort to show his sincerity, Kimura removed his mask.
The effect was immediate.
Shizune, who had just woken up, turned bright red the moment she saw his face.
Even Tsunade faltered, blinking at Kimura's surprisingly handsome features.
Finally, she sighed, then gently shook the boy in her arms. “Oi, brat. Wake up.”
Ren stirred, eyes fluttering open as he looked up groggily. His light blue eyes met Tsunade’s warm brown ones, and he gave her a soft smile.
“Morning…”
Tsunade stilled, staring closely at his eyes, then at his hair, then at his smile. Her eyes widened slightly as realization sparked, something familiar, something very familiar.
But her thoughts were interrupted. Kimura, sensing the awkward silence, stepped in and said quickly, “Ren, please clarify to her that I’m not here to kill you.”
Ren blinked sleepily, rubbing his eyes, then muttered in a drowsy voice, “Yeah, Kimura is mine…”
He smiled again.
Then he vomited.
All over Tsunade.
A moment of stillness passed in the room, just long enough for everyone to process what had just happened.
Then.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Tsunade's scream could have shattered windows. In fact, a nearby glass of sake actually trembled as she suddenly froze in place, eyes wide in horror as she slowly tilted her head down.
On her expensive, pristine green kimono, directly over her chest and lap, was a generous helping of Ren’s stomach contents. A mostly half-digested blend of fish, rice, and whatever exotic liquor had been in that bottle he’d been cuddling. Some of it still clung to her necklace.
Tsunade blinked slowly. Shizune blinked twice. Tonton gave a faint oink of distress and immediately scuttled under the futon.
The temperature in the room dropped several degrees.
“Wha-WHAT THE-YOU LITTLE!”
With a mighty yell, Tsunade launched Ren across the room like a ragdoll, tossing him with all the fury of a woman who’d just been slimed. Ren’s limp, half-conscious body flew through the air, but his reflexes kicked in.
“Mm, supine air rotation,” Ren mumbled midair, twisting like a falling cat and landing on his feet in a perfect crouch.
Then promptly keeled over and threw up again.
“BLAAAARGH.”
Onto the floor.
“T-Tsunade-sama, please calm down!” Shizune pleaded, holding back her enraged master, who looked moments away from hurling the broken table like a discus.
“HE VOMITED ON ME, SHIZUNE! ME! Do you know how many people in this world have done that and survived?! NONE!”
“I think your brother might have when he was a baby.”
“HE WAS A BABY!”
Meanwhile, Ren had finished his technicolor performance and was now leaning back on one hand, healing himself with a light green glow. He dabbed his lips with a corner of his sleeve, blinked blearily around the room, and finally seemed to become aware of the situation.
His gaze fell on Tsunade, her sake-stained kimono, her hair disheveled, and her expression one tick away from full-on blood rage.
Then, he pointed a shaking, accusatory finger.
"You... you elder woman... unmarried elder woman,” he declared with exaggerated emphasis. “Do you know no shame?! Forcing drinks down a poor, innocent kid like me?! You corrupting influence! YOU are what’s wrong with the shinobi world!”
He had coincidentally encountered Tsunade in the club they found for food, but he quickly realized that the woman was completely drunk, so he tried to escape, but to his surprise he was held against his will and forced to drink sake. Though he was also curious about sake, he knew his child like body wouldn’t be able to handle it, but he still drank a little then everything went blank.
Everyone froze.
Tsunade’s left eyebrow twitched.
“‘Unmarried elder woman’?” she repeated slowly, a vein in her temple pulsing dangerously. “You... little brat! You dare say that to me?! After that last time?! After throwing up your whole stomach's content onto my lap?!”
“I still stand by what I said,” Ren replied solemnly, slowly rising to his feet and adjusting his sunglasses, looking like a battle-worn samurai facing his doom with dignity. “You lured me into your den of sin under the pretense of food and then, like a siren, pushed bottle after bottle of vile poison into my hands!”
“I gave you ONE bottle!”
“And I’m FIVE years away from being allowed to hold one!” Ren countered.
“You TOOK it!”
“You GAVE it!”
“You!” Tsunade was full-on vibrating at this point.
Meanwhile, Kimura was seated in the corner, now fully convinced he was going to die in this room. Shizune had given up trying to mediate and was merely restraining Tsunade with both arms, though her master was strong enough to drag her across the floor like a sled.
And then there was A, the Raikage, who had stood like a statue this entire time, face slowly turning more purple with every passing second.
He finally tried to speak.
“Can we just-”
“SHUT UP, MUSCLEHEAD!” both Ren and Tsunade snapped in unison, turning on him with identical expressions of annoyance.
A froze mid-sentence, his lips twitching.
Ren turned back to Tsunade. “You know, I thought the Legendary Sucker title was just gambling-related. But now I realize it refers to dragging unsuspecting victims into death!”
“Oh ho ho!” Tsunade barked, cracking her knuckles. “You’ve got a big mouth for someone who literally cried while trying to down a shot!”
“It was sizzling! Why does your sake BUBBLE?!”
“It’s expensive!”
“It’s posionous!”
At this point, Ren and Tsunade were nose to nose, staring each other down like two alpha wolves. The tension was palpable. Shizune had given up all attempts to restrain her master and was just sipping water from a nearby gourd.
“I’m not apologizing,” Ren muttered.
“Neither am I,” Tsunade snapped.
“Your necklace smells like shrimp now.”
“AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!”
Suddenly.
BOOM!
The ground beneath them trembled. Dust fell from the ceiling. A’s fist was now embedded in the floor, cracks spidering out from the impact like a miniature earthquake.
His face was furious. His aura was trembling with chakra.
“I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!” he roared. “I AM THE RAIKAGE OF THE HIDDEN CLOUD! I CAME HERE TO DISCUSS THE HEALING OF MY SUBORDINATE, NOT TO WATCH AN UNDERAGE DRUNK ARGUE WITH A SANNIN OVER WHO GAVE WHO WHAT BOOZE!”
Finally there was silence, even Ren and Tsunade paused, blinking at A, slightly impressed.
“That was pretty good,” Ren admitted.
“Yeah,” Tsunade nodded. “Nice projection.”
“I’ve been working on my diaphragm control,” A muttered.
For a brief moment, there was peace again. Until Ren muttered just loud enough for everyone to hear: “Still unmarried though.”
Tsunade grabbed a chair.
Shizune screamed.
A ducked.
And Kimura, whispering a final prayer to any god listening, decided he would be better off back in Danzo and Yoru’s war.
~
It took a good while for things to calm down in the chaos-laced room.
Ren, now firmly muzzled by both Kimura and Amai, who were using their full strength to keep the blue-haired menace’s mouth shut, who was still grumbling incomprehensibly. Meanwhile, Tsunade was seated with her arms outstretched as Shizune wiped her clean, mumbling apologies every few seconds as she scrubbed at the still-visible stains with increasingly potent cloths and what looked like military-grade soap.
A stood to one side, arms crossed and tapping his foot impatiently as he once again reiterated the situation to Tsunade, who had, unsurprisingly, forgotten everything after a full night of emptying the bar’s reserves.
“...And I’m telling you again,” A said through gritted teeth, “my subordinate, Karai, is in critical condition. You’re the only person with the skill to save him.”
Tsunade raised an eyebrow, giving her signature disinterested sigh. She leaned back against the wall, lifting one leg over the other.
“And?” she asked lazily. “Why would I heal a shinobi from another nation?”
A scoffed, throwing a glance toward Amai, who was still holding Ren down with all the grace of someone keeping a wild animal from biting their hand off.
“I told you,” A said bluntly, “she’s not gonna come peacefully. We’ll have to force her to do it.”
Amai groaned softly, rubbing his temple with his free hand. “You said we’d try to do this diplomatically first.”
“I did,” A muttered, “and now I’m watching a kid call a Sannin an unmarried elder while vomiting on her lap. So forgive me if I adjust my expectations.”
Tsunade narrowed her eyes, “You think I’m just some weak woman you can grab and carry away whenever you feel like it?”
A didn’t flinch. “Maybe not you,” he said with a slight smirk, “but your brat-”
He didn’t finish the sentence. Because at that exact moment, WHAM, Amai was sent flying into A’s chest courtesy of a sudden haymaker from Ren, who had broken free of the hold. The cloud ninja wheezed as he slammed into his Raikage, who grunted and caught him with both hands.
Ren dusted off his shirt dramatically, walking with exaggerated calm to Tsunade’s side as Kimura wordlessly followed, clearly done intervening.
Tsunade, ever the dramatic, crossed her arms and leaned slightly toward A, a confident smirk tugging at the edge of her lips.
“You were saying?” she asked sweetly.
A’s left eye twitched. He put Amai down like a sandbag, the latter already applying healing chakra to his jaw.
Tsunade clapped once, feigning innocence. “Now, now. No need to get worked up, big guy. You want my help, right?”
A didn’t respond. He was still contemplating if hurling a chair would get him any diplomatic victory.
Tsunade didn’t wait for him to respond. “How about a bet?”
“A bet?” A asked with a raised brow.
Tsunade stood up slowly, her height and confidence matching the raw power she radiated with every breath. “You said you were going to force me to come with you, right? Well then, how about we make it simple? An arm wrestle.”
A’s face flickered with interest.
“If I lose,” Tsunade continued, “I’ll go with you. No complaints, no resistance. I’ll heal your subordinate myself.”
Shizune gasped. “Tsunade-sama!”
“But,” Tsunade held up a finger, ignoring her assistant, “if you lose, you walk away. Quietly. No posturing. No threats. No broken furniture. Just a nice walk back to the border without a single bark from you. After all, we can’t let someone like you in this land for long.”
There was a moment of thick silence.
Then A snorted, turned on his heel, and said, “Meet me in the clearing,” before stomping off. The door slammed behind him with all the force of a thunderclap.
Ren, watching all this with glittering eyes, gasped in delight.
“Oooh~ This is gonna be good. A lady brute versus a male brute. Wonder who’s going to win?”
Before anyone could stop him, he ducked with unnatural speed and dashed out the door, laughter trailing behind him.
A pillow smacked into the closing door with a soft thud, followed by Tsunade’s furious shout.
“GET BACK HERE YOU DAMN BRAT!”
Kimura stood silently behind her, now very much reconsidering every decision that led him here.
~~~~~
{This was one of the fillers where Tsunade and A met, but this won’t be about them, it’s more about those guys who were the antagonist of the episode.
There abilities were very interesting but were not really explained in great details, so I’ll be using them to polish the stone that is Ren.}
{Also, yet another interaction between Ren and Tsunade, Tsunade is realizing things slowly, wonder how that will go.}
Comments
Zeenon
Done
David Jordan
Great chapter but you may want to change pancreas to stomach. I dont think Tsunade would use that to describe the situation.
QuantumServer
Thanks for the chapter
