Leaqio.com
CrinkleKid from patreon
CrinkleKid patreon

Giving Notice - Chapter Three (Complete!)

🕑 Added 2021-02-22 22:41:17 +0000 UTC

Comments

Yeah, for sure! I'm glad to help. I read the rest of the chapter this afternoon, I think my only other major comment is that I felt that it was a little odd that you go out of your way to use fake business names for everything but the steakhouse. Don't get me wrong, I love Capital Grille, but it kinda stuck out at me as odd. Especially with calling out that the chef left StartAgain to open his own restaurant. It's again kinda pedantic, but it felt thematically off to me. And it could just be me in the particular mood I was in when I read it. :)

Perfect! Exactly how I'd imagined it.

Nope, that's exactly the feedback I'm looking for! Honestly, Stephen didn't think of it until the second stop. He's still new to being a Daddy and even though I want him to be "excellent" at it, he's also still learning Max and what pushes Max's buttons. So my thought (and what Stephen was thinking off-stage) was that when they got back into the car after the first stop and he saw Max buckle up, he realized that was something he could do to make Max feel small and taken care of, so by the second stop he decided to start buckling and unbuckling Max. However, if that didn't come across through the writing then I need to rework that a little bit, because I think it's core to their emerging relationship dynamic that Stephen is still learning just like Max is, and I want that to be clear to the reader. <3

I haven't finished reading the whole thing yet (reading between meetings ;) ) - one continuity question: Would the interaction between Max and Stephen about the seatbelt happen at their first stop instead of their second? Or is it the fact that they're going to a kids furniture store what makes Stephen think of it? I know that it's a little pedantic, perhaps, and that the section in question is an evolution from the first draft of the chapter before the stop at the adult furniture store was added. It's just something that struck me as I was reading "Given the mood and dynamic from the start, why would Stephen wait until the second stop to do that?" Side note: I apologise if that's not the kind of feedback you're looking for, I'm really enjoying the concept and story and I want to help make things the best they can be. :)


More Creators