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This Used to be About Dungeons, ch 159, Finding Joy
🕑 Added 2022-12-26 19:38:46 +0000 UTCNote: This was originally going to be a dungeon chapter, but the stuff that was to come before the dungeon ran long, and I really didn't want to do a 10K word chapter, especially since it's the holidays and my ability to work is compromised.
~~~~
Isra had butterflies in her stomach, which had nothing at all to do with the upcoming dungeon. They were having a gathering, both parties together, which was surprisingly uncommon given that they had agreed that they would mostly be moving together. The unexpected arrival of Xy had been … well, the source of the butterflies, actually.
“Oh, I’ve been socking away money,” she said as she ate from the cheese platter. “The plan is another few months in Plenarch, then I’ll be off to some other place. Cartiers have a proper guild, a huge one, tightly controlled, but swaps are common enough, and I’m eager to see some other part of the world. I’ve just about had my fill of the region, seen and done everything that I’ve wanted to see and do.” She gave Verity a wide smile. “Almost.”
Xy was unbelievably forward, though she was helped, in part, by the wine, which was flowing readily. She had come with a singular purpose, which was not attending the concert.
It was a very animal way of doing things, at least depending on the animal. Copulation, for some, was as simple as a yes or a no in their own languages of bodies and odors, and Xy was proof that it could be equally as simple for people. This process of aggressive romance was apparently something that she’d honed to a fine craft during her trips to and fro along the ley lines, though Isra wondered how often it was a complete miss. From everything that Hannah had said, some women just weren’t at all interested in other women, though how they figured that out was a mystery to Isra.
Isra felt surprisingly little jealousy at the attention that Xy was lavishing on Verity. It was interesting, mostly, to see how Verity reacted from the outside, how shy she was about that kind of thing. In retrospect, she’d been like that with Isra as well, which Isra had simply read as her being composed and perhaps stand-offish. There was a touch of jealousy, but only a touch. Isra would make herself scarce at the first opportunity, loudly announce to the two girls that she was going to spend the night camping in the woods or in the garden stone or somewhere.
Pinion was in their small cluster of people, and seemed quite interested in talking to Verity.
“The music was beautiful,” he was saying. “Do you alter how you play based on the acoustics? It sounds so different than when you play in the living room.”
“Of course, I change how I play,” said Verity. “Our living room, when the house is moving, is hardly ideal conditions for play, but it’s good practice, especially since I need to play in the dungeons. At the conservatory, we practiced in perfectly silent, sterile rooms.” She put on a light, airy voice. “The absolute purity of music. Which is trash in the world of playing taverns, I’m afraid. Always someone shouting or laughing, talking over the lyrics, even when they’re trying to be quiet.”
“It always irritates me,” said Xy. “When people break the silence. A cough when you’re vibing to the music is like a slap to the face. Same with sermons.”
“Sermons?” asked Pinion.
“It’s where a cleric gets up and talks on temple day,” said Isra.
Pinion laughed, and Isra smiled at him.
“There’s a silence that comes before a sermon,” said Xy. “Or during a sermon, even, save for what the cleric is saying. There’s something so nice about everyone coming together to focus on a singular thing.”
“I wouldn’t have thought you for the religious type,” said Verity. “You seem much more … free.”
“Religion has freedom, if you know where to look,” said Xy. “It’s got joy.”
“Doctrine of Xuphin?” asked Verity.
“No, not just Xuphin, that’s base reading,” said Xy. “Admittedly, it does fit well, but no, if the infinitude of Xuphin can equate to a sort of hedonism, then the nothingness of Kesbin can be asceticism … but neither is only that. Kesbin is freedom, slipping free from obligations, going out on the road, that kind of thing.”
“Alright,” said Verity. “But what’s the ‘joy’ that comes from, say, Bixzotl? Repetition?”
“No, no,” said Xy, shaking her head. “I mean, yes, classically they go copies to repetition to making peace with a boring life that’s got nothing new or interesting in it, but that’s sort … backwards, right?”
“Is it?” asked Isra.
“To me — there was a great sermon I heard over on the coast of the Eastern Sea, paraphrasing it really but — there’s a way that we look at new things, how we see them full of wonder, that fresh excitement of them. One of the ways to honor Bixzotl is to bring that perspective of newness and freshness to the fifth of something as well as the first. It’s a form of practicing joy in a way where you’re not thinking ‘oh, this thing again’.”
“But you are a world-traveler,” said Verity. “And you are leaving as soon as your unfinished business is concluded.”
Xy sat back, glass of wine in hand. “Well, yes. I never said I was a devotee. The perfect follower probably doesn’t travel the world seeking out new experiences.”
“There’s something about the way you’re saying ‘new experiences’,” said Pinion.
“Well, maybe it’s the wine,” said Xy with a smile. She downed the rest of her glass, and Isra watched the movement of her throat as she drank. “I need to use the restroom, it’s on the second floor?”
Verity nodded. Her eyes were on Xy.
There was, at that moment, a bit of a shuffle. Hannah and Marsh went upstairs, which freed up room on their couch, and the arrangement of conversational partners shifted. Vertex’s new member, Tilde, looked for a moment like she was going to come over to where Isra and Verity were, but Pinion took that moment to stand up, and when Isra moved over so there was more room, Pinion cleared his throat.
“Do you mind if I sit there?” he asked, pointing at the spot next to Verity, where Xy had been sitting.
“N-no,” said Verity. “I was probably going to turn in soon.” She gave Isra a significant look, half questioning, half apprehensive. Isra nodded in return.
Pinion sat on the couch, a glass of wine in his hand. “My butt was starting to hurt.”
“We have other couches,” said Verity. “We should have brought them out of storage. I think this is the first time we’ve had this many people in the house.”
“It sounds like things in the dining room are going well,” said Pinion, after there was a brief cheer from there.
“Alfric is explaining to Mizuki that she didn’t actually get the points she thought she did,” said Isra after a moment to listen in.
“You can make that out?” asked Pinion. “The acoustics in this house seem very good at blocking the travel of sound.”
“Druid senses,” said Isra. “Mizuki’s cat Tabbins is in there, I listen through him. He’s slightly annoyed by the whole thing, but he’s found some feet to sleep on.”
“It’s the wood,” said Verity. “The acoustics? There’s something special about the tree that was used for the timbers — not magical, but it’s either hard or soft, or just doesn’t like vibrations, I forget exactly. It helps to keep my practice sessions confined to their proper room.”
“Somewhat,” said Isra.
“Well no, it’s not perfect,” said Verity.
“You were saying about what it was like in your conservatory,” said Pinion. “I would love to hear more, if you’re willing to indulge me. Institutions of learning are all alike in some ways, and all different in others. I have thoughts on institutions and why they’re like that, and I’ve had just enough wine that I’m eager to either gather more data or talk at great length.”
“Oh,” said Verity. “Well … I can hardly compare the conservatory to a seminary or wizarding school or anything else, but I somewhat hated it, particularly that aspect of being judged on performance.”
“As opposed to?” asked Pinion.
“Performance as something to be enjoyed, appreciated, marveled at,” said Verity. “Tonight, the ‘concert’, people weren’t sitting there intently listening to my timing, to whether I was slightly out of tune, watching my technique, they just wanted to hear music.”
“Ah yes,” said Pinion. “And in the conservatory there’s less in the way of appreciation, it’s all focus on the parts that you don’t find beauty in. Like what Xy was talking about, finding joy?”
It was at that point that Xy returned from the restroom, and she sat back down on the couch, taking a place between Pinion and Isra. The couch was a long one, with just enough room for four people if they squeezed in.
“How’s my favorite druid?” asked Xy, putting her arm on the back of the couch so it was just behind Isra’s head.
“Your favorite?” asked Isra. She felt faintly bemused. Pinion and Verity were still talking to each other, but Xy was in the way of Isra hearing Verity talk about joy-finding.
“You’re wondering how many druids I know?” asked Xy. “Three, in fact. But you are my favorite, and I haven’t seen you since … ?” She looked puzzled.
“Moose?” asked Isra.
“Yes!” said Xy. “Since moose.” She moved her arm, which had been behind Isra, and let it drop casually down so that her hand rested on Isra’s knee. “We should hang out more often, sorry I haven’t made a real effort.”
Isra let her tongue wet her lips. There had been something that Xy had said, long before, about how language wasn’t really what mattered between people, that it was about smiling at them, touching them in specific ways, watching their faces and waiting for their own touch in return. Xy had said that she’d gone through places where she didn’t speak the language and had done everything by giving certain signs and looks.
She had a smile on her face, a grin. Her teeth were nice, and Isra was close enough to smell her, like elderflower and the wind.
Isra smiled back.
They talked, but they weren’t really talking, they were watching each other.
“You’re hard to get a hold of,” said Isra. Xy had nice forearms, with fine hairs on them. Her fingernails were trimmed very short and coated with a clear lacquer.
“Not that hard,” said Xy. “You just leave a letter and I’ll come running, faster than the wind.” There was a brightness to her eyes, and a quickness with which they moved around. She was looking at Isra’s mouth.
“And then go running away again just as fast?” asked Isra. She wasn’t sure what compelled her to say it. She knew what Xy was, that she wasn’t around for long, that after this night there wouldn’t be some long relationship in the future. She’d meant it as teasing, but it had come out tremulous, as though she was worried about being left behind. She wasn’t sure where that feeling was coming from, or why, and for a moment the spell they’d been weaving together felt like it had broken.
“Not until after I’d taken care of you,” said Xy. She hadn’t missed a beat. Her voice was down to a low purr, and she’d moved in closer. Her fingertips on Isra’s leg shifted, moving to the inside of the leg. Isra was wearing a dress, and the cloth was thin enough that it was like having those fingers on her skin.
“Did you want to see my room?” asked Isra.
“Oh, I’d love to,” said Xy. She got up from the couch, using Isra’s leg for support, then turned back and offered a hand.
The touch of her skin was electric, helped by her winning smile.
Isra spared a glance for Verity. There was a rough mixture of feelings going through Isra, choppy seas, but Verity’s face was too difficult to read, to know whether it was okay. There was only slight movement from Verity’s head, an ambiguous motion, and then she had returned to her conversation with Pinion.
“This is the room,” said Isra when they were upstairs. “It used to belong to Mizuki’s younger sisters, years ago.”
It was home for Isra. The room was rather large, even given that it was for two people, and Isra had now seen enough places to know that wasn’t just her own sense of scale being off from having grown up in the cabin. It was also a place that was thick with memories for Isra, most of them involving Verity.
Again there was that feeling of trepidation and worry.
“Which bed is yours?” asked Xy.
“That one,” said Isra. It was the one closer to the windows, since Verity complained about the light coming in in the mornings. Xy moved over to it, and sat down. It was a comfortable bed, soft and warm, an enormous upgrade over the bed that Isra had in the cabin.
“It’s nice,” said Xy. She grinned. “Very soft.”
Isra sat down beside her. As soon as she did, Xy’s hand went to Isra’s leg again, this time to her thigh. Isra felt a shock to her heart, and it began to beat faster. She barely had time to take stock of the feeling when Xy’s other hand had come up to turn her head to the side. The kiss came slowly but inevitably, and lasted for a long moment. Xy tasted mostly of wine, but being so close, the smell of her was heavier.
The kiss was well-practiced. It reminded Isra of being swept along the dance floor by an experienced partner.
“You’re new to this,” said Xy. Her voice was soft.
“Not that new,” said Isra.
“I don’t like to push,” said Xy. “I don’t want you to have regrets.” Her eyes were half closed, her face still close to Isra’s. Another kiss was incoming, and Isra was welcoming it.
“No,” said Isra. “I want this.”
“Good,” said Xy. She had a smile that was almost sleepy. “Lay back.”
~~~~
Isra had somehow thought that Xy would slip out of the room when it was over, but she stayed, arms wrapped around Isra, cuddling with her. Isra had thought that she would give it a moment, then prod Xy to leave, but before that could happen, Isra had fallen asleep.
It was late in the morning when Isra woke up, and Xy was gone. The bed felt cold and the sheets needed straightening. Almost instinctively, Isra looked to Verity’s bed. Verity wasn’t there, though the bed was unmade. That didn’t mean much, as Verity didn’t often make her bed in the morning — Isra did — but it was a sign that maybe Verity had stayed out of the room. It was early enough still that Verity should have been asleep, especially with a night of drinking.
Isra crept out of the room, took a quick shower, got dressed for the day, and made her bed. The house was quiet, which made sense in the wake of a party that had gone late.
It was while she was making the bed that she found the note. It was a simple piece of paper, folded, and when she opened it, it had a message from Xy.
“Hate to have fun and run, but it’s an early morning of deliveries for me. You were great, let me know if you want there to be a next time. Your favorite cartier,” and then there was a symbol that Isra had learned from Verity was a monogram, two letters merged together, the X and Y, with a little flourish to them.
Isra folded the note. She went to her dresser and placed it there, in the bottom.
She wasn’t sure how she felt. It would depend, she thought, on how Verity was, whether there was some obvious pain behind her eyes, or whether she was even still in the house. The look last night, as Isra had been going upstairs, had been ambiguous, and they really should have taken a moment to talk about it. It was Verity who had wanted it, who’d needed it really.
Hannah would be disappointed in their lack of communication.
Isra thought that it would be a good time to speak with Hannah, but she wasn’t around either. Her lute lay in its place, and she was almost certainly having a late morning in Lutopia Two.
Mizuki was the only one up, in fact, and she was in the kitchen, making breakfast.
“I’m about two minutes away from talking into the party channel to get everyone up,” said Mizuki. “Breakfast is not a meal that keeps well. Bacon grease congeals, eggs get kludgy … fruit and cinnamon cake will be fine, I guess, but the hot stuff needs to not cool down. How was your night?”
Fine,” said Isra. “Good, actually, just … have you seen Verity?”
Mizuki paused in her stirring of the eggs. “Don’t you sleep in the same room?”
“Not last night,” said Isra. “Xy … stayed over.”
“Ah,” said Mizuki. She gave Isra a sympathetic look. “And how are you doing with that?”
“She stayed over with me,” said Isra.
“Oh,” said Mizuki. “Oh.” She frowned. “Well then how is Verity doing with that?”
“I don’t know,” said Isra. “That’s why I asked if you had seen her.”
“Ah,” said Mizuki. “You know, we have a dungeon today. And given that Verity’s mental state is, er, maybe linked to the dungeons somehow, maybe … I’m not judging, not saying that you shouldn’t have done it, but —”
Alfric knocked on the doorframe as he entered the kitchen.
“Morning,” he said.
“Isra slept with Xy,” said Mizuki.
“Oh,” said Alfric. He blinked. “That’s … congratulations, I guess.”
“Have you seen Verity?” asked Isra. “Last I saw she was talking with Pinion.”
“She was gone when we were finished with our games,” said Alfric. “Though the games ended up going quite late.”
“Alfric and I went head to head once Vertex left,” said Mizuki. “I crushed him.”
“You won the tiebreaker of our best-of-nine match by a single point,” said Alfric. “I would hardly call that a crush.”
“Sorry, let me be a gracious winner,” said Mizuki. She turned to Isra. “Alfric suffered a bitter humiliation by the narrowest of margins.”
“Ha ha,” grinned Alfric.
“You won too many other games for me not to crow about the one that I did win,” said Mizuki.
Alfric turned to Isra. “You’re worried about Verity?”
“I don’t know,” said Isra. “I shouldn’t be, but yes, I am.”
“If she didn’t sleep in your room, she must have slept somewhere,” said Alfric. “The options are pretty limited. Utopia One, the garden stone … I can’t imagine that she went with Vertex, and they were mostly with us, I think, except Josen went to bed early.”
“Or just wait,” said Mizuki. “She’ll show up. Breakfast is basically ready, I was going to put out a call on the party channel anyway.” She hesitated. “Assuming that she’s still in the party.”
“Oh come on,” said Alfric. “That would be a pretty extreme reaction.”
“You always say to think about and plan for the worst,” said Mizuki. “I’m only trying to be a good student.”
“Make the breakfast call then,” said Alfric.
Mizuki cleared her throat. <Everyone, sorry to wake you but it’s well-past waking time, and there’s some hot breakfast. This is wake up call one of three, they will get progressively louder if you don’t respond.>
<Comin’,> said Hannah. <Enough for Marsh?>
<You know it,> said Mizuki.
They all stood in the kitchen for a moment, waiting.
<Just need to get dressed,> said Verity.
Isra let out a sigh of relief.
“You think she’ll be put out?” asked Mizuki. “I mean, Xy did come here for her. I guess I don’t know how it is for you people.”
“Us people?” asked Isra.
“How would it be if you were competing over a boy?” Alfric asked Mizuki.
“Competing with who?” asked Mizuki. “With Isra?” She looked at Isra and frowned. “I’d be irate. Fury of a thousand suns and all that. I would go scorched earth, salt the lands. I mean, if you slept with a boy that I had my eye on.”
“Um,” said Alfric.
“But it’s not like that with Xy, right?” asked Mizuki. “I mean, I feel like I know enough about the girl to know that she’s not going to be anyone’s girlfriend, just … a fling.”
“Right,” said Isra. “Can I help move things to the dining room?”
“This, this, and this,” said Mizuki, pointing to plates.
They were getting seated in the dining room when Verity came in. She had a faint smile on her face. “Morning!” she said. She stretched out, arms wide, and looked at Isra. “How was your night?”
“It was … good,” said Isra. “Where did you sleep?”
“With Pinion,” said Verity.
Isra felt her eyes go wide before she could help it.
“Oh, no,” said Verity, immediately looking flustered. “No, no, no, we didn’t sleep together, didn’t, um, it wasn’t like that.” She was still blushing as she sat down. “We talked a lot, that was all.”
“About what?” asked Mizuki. She looked somewhat suspicious.
“My family, his family, my time at the conservatory, his time in academia … we have a mutual appreciation of fighting.” She shrugged. “I don’t know, it was one of those conversations that went on late into the night, even after the whole house had gone silent. He’ll be down in a bit, he’s just changing.”
“You didn’t stay up too late?” asked Alfric. He looked around the table. “We’re good to dungeon today?”
“I don’t think you can verb it like that,” said Mizuki.
“I’m good to go,” said Hannah as she entered the dining room with Marsh in tow. “I do think that I slept less than proper, but we’re hopin’ that our lovely bard can put in a good performance, ay?”
“If we need to put it off,” Alfric began.
“Then we would put it off,” said Verity. “But I don’t think we need to put it off, frankly.”
“So long as you’re good to go,” said Alfric. He glanced at Isra. “I don’t want to place pressure on you, but the oddities of the dungeon seem like they’re linked to your mental state, and if there’s anything that you want to talk about, anything that’s bothering you that might crop up …”
“What’s this about?” asked Hannah.
“Nothing,” said Verity. “Or, I’ll talk with you about it later, so this doesn’t have to be the business of the whole party, but Alfric,” she turned to him. “I’m fine. I would call it, if I thought that it needed to be called.”
“Well, let’s let it lie then,” said Hannah. “Personally speakin’, I finished a sermon last night, and it’s ready for temple day tomorrow. The timeline’s short, but I think it’s good, a rousin’ bit of commentary on Garos and the nature of purpose.”
“This is for tomorrow?” asked Alfric.
“Ay,” said Hannah. “If time does not matter, better to be fast and early, so it is said.” She seemed to be in a good mood. “Sorry for not bakin’ this mornin’, it was a late night for me.”
“We have enough baked goods to last us,” said Mizuki. This was a mild understatement.
Isra wasn’t feeling too much like eating breakfast, and she put the food in her mouth with mechanical motions. Verity seemed to be in high spirits, which was somehow worse than if she’d been upset. Pinion had sat down next to her and they were engaged in their own private conversation, which seemed to be about which animal was the spookiest, a topic that was provoking intense debate and need for clarification.
When they were getting ready for the dungeon, dressing to cover themselves, Isra found herself alone in the room with Verity.
“Sorry,” said Isra.
“For what?” asked Verity.
“I know that you had your sights set on her,” said Isra. “That … you had meant to be the one with her.”
“She’ll be back,” said Verity with a shrug. “And it’s not like I had planned a whole night. I hadn’t even known that she was coming. So it was … fine. Pinion was very nice. He was relieved when I told him I wasn’t interested in men. We had a long talk about that.” She was smiling to herself. “I really empathized with it.”
“With … relief?” asked Isra.
“With that feeling of being able to set aside any concerns of romance,” said Verity. “When Xy showed up … I was immediately thinking about whether I smelled good, whether I looked good, whether I needed to freshen up, whether my bed was made, our room looked nice, if I was being funny enough, seductive enough, saying the right things … I had thought that it would happen with her on the night of Bethany’s wedding, and was worried that she wasn’t actually as much on the prowl as I had thought she was, so I was also worried about whether I was sending the right signals, or reading the right signals.”
“That sounds exhausting,” said Verity.
“It’s what a whiff of romance does to me, I think,” said Verity. “To Pinion too, he’s said. Too many thoughts running around that don’t need to be there.” She had been half-naked as she talked until finally slipping into her dungeoneering outfit, one with heavy fabric. It was one of the only times that Verity ever wore pants, and Isra had always found the change of pace attractive. “I don’t want to pry, I don’t think we need to share everything, but it went okay, for you?”
“It was good, in the moment,” said Isra. “I didn’t like that she was gone when I woke up. I guess I didn’t like that she was gone, that there was never going to be anything more, just mutual attraction and … the act.”
“Mating,” said Verity. She had a slight smile.
“I think I’m more interested in someone who will stay with me,” said Isra. “Someone who will love me.”
“Well, you’re very loveable, and once we’re settled down I think you’ll have no problem,” said Verity. “Would it bother you if she and I … got together?”
“No,” said Isra, which was the correct response, no matter how she was feeling.
What she was missing, she thought, was the other part of it, the shy smiles the morning after, the mutual appreciation, the tenderness of knowing each other. Isra had felt excitement and pleasure, but it wasn’t the same as it had been with Verity, not just unfamiliar in the expected ways, but unfamiliar in ways that Isra hadn’t quite seen coming. She hadn’t been prepared to be loved and left, as it were.
The trip to the dungeon entrance was conducted as the party sat around the dining room table, save for Alfric, who was guiding the house from the front door. Vertex was in the in living room, having packed up their tent, along for the ride as they were doing the dungeon right afterward — contemporaneously, in fact, since a dungeon could have two instances running at once.
When they got there, Alfric lowered the house, and they gathered for one final talk.
“The plan is to see what Verity can do,” said Alfric. “With two teams going in at the same time, we’ll have a better understanding of what a normal dungeon does, the only thing that varies is the party composition and the inherent randomness of the dungeon. Pinion will be just outside, we’ll keep good notes, a good map, and take samples of everything we see, stuffing it into whatever space we can. If it looks like a normal dungeon, we do it like a normal dungeon, but at the first whiff of something above a normal danger level, we’re leaving.”
“What’s a danger level?” asked Mizuki.
“Pretty sure that’s rhetorical,” said Hannah.
“Well I don’t want to be in the middle of a dungeon and get stuck arguing about whether it’s too dangerous to go on,” said Mizuki.
“What happens if I’m able to shape it?” asked Verity.
“Then we stay there, collect samples, see how close it got to what you intended, and throw a celebratory party when we get out,” said Alfric. “I think that’s the thing that we can least plan for. You have something in mind?”
“I do,” said Verity. “Pinion would prefer me to register my intent beforehand.”
“Also she would ideally not tell you once you’re in the dungeon,” said Pinion. “It’s better science that way. I can collect statements from all of you, then compare it against what she was trying to do. That’s mostly only helpful if the impact is low and relatively unobvious. It means that no one except Verity will be ‘interpreting’ the dungeon.”
“No, I will,” said Mizuki. “I mean, we’ve always done that in the past.”
“Either way,” said Alfric. “We’re ready, we’re going in, we’ll take things as they come.”
They stood outside the dungeon entrance, which was, unusually, set into the side of a cliff. A tunnel had been mined out to get to it, but it was only ten feet in. The air smelled like wet stone, and Isra steeled herself for the dungeon. Vertex would be in right after them, and their party was standing around, fully armed. She’d only rarely seen them in their battle gear.
It was agreed that Verity would go in first, with Alfric right behind her. Isra watched her stand in front of the entrance, at the moment before the dungeon would be created for them. Verity’s hair was covered in a helmet, her lute strapped securely around her, and she was standing tall and firm.
Verity stepped into the dungeon and Alfric followed close behind.
