Chuck Tingle
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My Macaroni And Cheese Is A Lesbian Also She Is My Lawyer - (Classic Tingler Revisited)
🕑 Added 2024-04-08 18:08:04 +0000 UTCGREETINGS BUCKAROOS. today marks the release of new audiobook for LADYBUCK ON LADYBUCK: SEVEN LESBIAN TALES OF THE TINGLEVERSE VOLUME 4 and as tradition that means i will take a story from this collection and put it up here on patreon. i started going through the titles, however, and had a slow creeping realization. HAD ALL THESE ONES ALREADY BEEN POSTED?
as i trotted down the list and checked i actually skipped over MY MACARONI AND CHEESE IS A LESBIAN ALSO SHE IS MY LAWYER because i thought 'well of course THAT CLASSIC has been posted that is probably the number on ladybuck classic in existence.'
eventually i thought i might just have to post from something else, and at the last minute i decided to actually check if this tingler had been posted here and DANG WHAT A TROT, never before on patreon
i think that it says a lot about the power of some tinglers. sometimes a book just floats above the rest, no connection to any event or time or place, just a tingler that resonates with this timeline in a beautiful way. this is one of those stories. ENJOY BUCKAROOS
Mona is on trial, and she’s absolutely terrified. After saying that chocolate milk is “better than sick water”, she’s being sued by water itself for a billion dollars. Fortunately, this food and beverage based case is the perfect fit for her sentient macaroni and cheese lawyer Hemma.
After showing off her skills on their first day in the courtroom, Mona and this living pasta dish go out to celebrate, and thinks quickly turn hot and heavy. Now the two of them are back at the office in the throughs of lesbian living food action, but will their hardcore encounter set in motion the death of their very own court case?
This erotic tale is 4,300 words of sizzling human on sentient mac and cheese action and living lesbian meal love.
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MY MACARONI AND CHEESE IS A LESBIAN ALSO SHE IS MY LAWYER
By Chuck Tingle
“You nervous?” my friend Ari questions, giving me a knowing look across the table.
I’ve been staring down at the food on my plate for what seems like forever, just observing the pleasant green color of the broccoli and the beautiful warm yellow of my mac and cheese. Honestly, it looks delicious, and I’m absolutely starving at this point, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to eat.
“Yeah,” I admit, glancing up at my friend.
“You’re gonna do fine, Mona,” she continues warmly, trying her best to calm me down.
Normally, Ari’s presence is absolutely certain to set me at ease. She has a way about her that seems to slow everything down and force the whole world to relax, regardless of the metaphorical storms that rage around us. In this setting, however, she’s met her match.
We’re sitting together in a courthouse cafeteria, awaiting the start of my trial and trying to keep the mood light. The other patrons around us seem equally tense, a collection of lawyers and citizens talking it out before heading in for a big show of their own.
“What if I don’t do fine?” I say, a seriousness in my tone that’s clearly alarming to my friend. She’s trying not to react, to stay strong for me, but I can’t help but notice her expression falter slightly as I speak these words.
In the months leading up to this case I’d been all smiles, not really taking it seriously and somehow pretending it would all just go away. The accusation just seems so ridiculous, after all.
“You will win,” Mona continues. “This case is open and shut.”
“But what if I don’t?” I question. “Even if my odds are a hundred to one, a billion dollars is a lot of money. I’d be working it off for the rest of my life. My great, great grandchildren would still be trying to pay off this debt.”
“I don’t know if that’s how it works,” Ari offers.
“Well, if my fucking lawyer was here then maybe I’d have some answers,” I cry out in frustration, a little too loudly. The other eaters around us all turn and look, slightly concerned by my outburst. Eventually, they return to their conversations and I lower my voice, trying not to make a scene.
The fact that I still haven’t met my lawyer in person is absurd, and probably a huge amount of why I’m so stressed out right now. With only a few minutes to spare before my trail begins, we’re getting down to the wire for an in person pre-game, but I’m not entirely free from blame.
As I said before, I haven’t exactly been taking this lawsuit seriously. After all, who really thinks of water itself as a potent legal force. H2O has been a part of my life since I was brought into this world, and I’ve never once had any problems with the substance. Sure, there was that time when I jumped off the rope swing at the lake and almost drowned, but other than that, water and I have been on pretty good terms.
That is, of course, until now.
I shake my head. “I wish I would’ve never said those things,” I admit, allowing myself a moment of vulnerability.
“Said what?” Ari questions.
“That water was ‘sick and gross and you should only drink chocolate milk,’” I continue.
Suddenly, the bowl of macaroni and cheese before me speaks up, interrupting our conversation and causing me to reel back in alarm. “Wait, wait, wait!” my food cries out, waving her arms in the air and quieting me down.
I watch as the macaroni and cheese pulls herself out of the bowl and sits down next to me, revealing her true nature as a sentient food.
“What the fuck,” I blurt. “Who are you?”
“I’m your lawyer, Hemma, and as your lawyer I’m gonna have to ask you to shut your damn mouth when you’re in a courthouse cafeteria.”
The information flying at me right now is almost too much to take in. I need a moment to sort out what’s actually happening here, struggling to too connect the dots.
“You’re my lawyer?” I question, shaking my head from side to side in confusion. “What were you doing on my plate?”
“You don’t recognize the voice?” Hemma questions.
Now that she mentions it, I do see the similarities between this macaroni and cheese and the woman I’ve been speaking to on the phone. This whole time I’d been wondering why she did show up to my court date, and now I’m realizing that she’s been here the whole time.
“Oh, okay,” I blurt. “It is you.”
Hemma smiles. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person. I’m sorry I had to sneak up on you like that, but it’s a perfect segue into what I wanted to talk about.”
“What’s that?” I ask, all ears.
“You need to make sure nobody is listening to you,” the sentient food explains. “That’s what got you into this situation in the first place. Take it from me. As a sentient meal, the things I hear people openly discuss while I’m sitting right there in front of them is incredible.”
“You think water is listening?” I question.
Hemma just stares at me blankly, then glances down at the glass of water sitting on the table before me. My eyes go wide.
“Oh shit,” I blurt.
“It’s fine,” the living mac and cheese offers. “Keep in mind, the human body is like sixty percent water, but most of the stuff either doesn’t give a shit what you have to say, or it happens to like you.”
“I should hope so,” I reply. “It’s my water.”
“Regardless, you can’t be out here talking about the case with a plate of food in front of you,” Hemma continues. “That’s lesson one.”
“Thanks,” I offer, nodding in acceptance. “I didn’t even think of that.”
Ari, who’s been watching this all unfold, finally decides to chime in. “So what’s the plan?” my friend questions.
Hemma glances down at the food still sitting between us, then takes the tray and pushes it as far as she can across the table. Eventually, it’s far enough away that she’s comfortable turning back around and continuing our discussion.
“Today is the first step in a two part process,” the sentient macaroni and cheese explains. “We need to go in there and prove that water’s case has no legal basis. Just because you allegedly said that water is sick and gross and chocolate milk is better, it doesn’t mean you can be sued for slander, especially since you were only talking to a close friend at the time. These alleged statements weren’t made publicly. If we win today then we’ll come back tomorrow with our countersuit, which is going to keep water from harassing others like this in the future.”
Before I have a chance to respond, the door to a courtroom down the hall opens up and people begin filtering out. They’re ready for the next case.
Ari reaches across the table and places a hand over mind. “You’ve got this,” she offers supportively.
Soon enough, our small team is standing up and making our way into the courtroom.
Immediately, the confidence I ‘ve gained from meeting Hemma begins to fade when I see what we’re up against. On our side of the courtroom there are nothing but empty benches, upon which Ari sits down as my lone supporter.
The other side of the courtroom, however, is absolutely packed with lawyers and representatives for water. Most of them are wearing suits, so I can’t tell if they’re just here as citizen supporters or actually part of the legal team. Either way, they’re all incredibly intimidating.
We stroll in and sit behind a table on the left side, while the others remain on the right. Moment’s later, a bailiff steps forward to announce the judge’s arrival.
“All rise for Judge Tingle,” the bailiff announces.
A door to the back chamber opens up and a figure wearing a white gi and a pink bag over their head steps forth, trotting up to the judge’s chair at the center of the room. He’s also wearing dark sunglasses to obscure his eyes, but his mouth can clearly be seen through a hole in the bag. One thing’s for sure, it’s tough to get a read on Judge Tingle.
“You may be seated, buckaroos,” the mysterious figure announces. “Let’s hear these dang opening arguments.”
The opposing council steps forward first, led by an enormous bottled water clad in a sharp suit and tie. He strolls confidently out into the middle of the floor, then turns to address the courtroom.
“Water, the fundamental ingredient of all life on Earth, the soothing chemical compound that quenches our thirst on a hot day and allows us to grow food from the garden, like beautiful green lettuce or bright red tomatoes. Some would say that water is the most important substance in the universe, and they would be right, but there are others who take this wonderful blessing for granted. I’m speaking, of course, about Mona Morson,” the lawyer spins toward me as he says this, pointing a finger. “Some people think they can say chocolate milk is good and water is sick and gross!”
“Objection!” my lawyer suddenly calls out, the macaroni and cheese erupting out of her chair. “Badger in the witness.”
Judge Tingle turns back to the opposing counsel. “Let’s cool it, shall we?”
“I’m sorry,” the bottled water lawyer replies, backing away. “I just think that, when it comes to a fundamental building block for all life on this planet, people should have a little more respect. Thusly, we are seeking one billion dollars in damages for the careless and, frankly, horrific things that Mona Morson has said about water.”
The lawyer turns around and sits back down behind his desk, greeted by a whole team of other lawyers who pat him on the back enthusiastically after a job well done. I have to admit, I’m a little frightened by how well that seemed to go, but I’m looking forward to what Hemma has in store.
My lawyer takes a deep breath and stands up, addressing Judge Tingle directly.
“Judge,” she begins, scrunching her face to the side a bit as though her and the masked man are shaking some kind of inside joke. “Come on.”
The courtroom remains silent, all eyes on my macaroni and cheese lawyer as they wait for her to continue.
“Come on,” she finally repeats, then rolls her eyes. “Really?”
As stated earlier, it’s difficult to get a read on Judge Tingle. I’m staring at the man intently now, trying to see if this bizarre technique is having any kind of effect. Frankly, I just can’t tell.
“Is this for real?” my lawyer continues, rolling her eyes a bit. “Come on.”
More silence from the courtroom. Everyone is either watching intently or exchanging glances in utter confusion.
“Come on,” the sentient mac and cheese offers one last time, a slight scoff erupting from her mouth at the end of the phrase as she laughs to herself.
Suddenly, through a hole in his mask, I can see Judge Tingle crack a smile. He chuckles to himself and then bangs his gavel against the wooden platform before him with a few hard smacks. “Ha!” Judge Tingle blurts. “You’re right, you’re right. I rule in favor of the defendant and deny water’s request for a billion dollars. We’ll meet here at the same time tomorrow to discuss the countersuit.”
Immediately, Ari, me and my lawyer erupt in excited cheers while the other side of the room let out long, frustrated groans. Everyone starts packing up their paperwork, ready to head home and rest up for tomorrow’s continuation.
“Did we do it?” I cry out. “Did we win?”
“We won,” Hemma confirms.
I wrap my arms around her excitedly. “We did it!” I shout.
After a moment of celebration we release and the sentient mac and cheese begins to pack up her things.
“You headed back to the office so you can prep for tomorrow?” I question.
The living food glances up at me and laughs. “No, I’m packing up so we can get out of here and grab a drink to celebrate.”
By now the bar has just about cleared out and, to be honest, we really should be getting some rest before the big case tomorrow. Fortunately, we don’t have to return to the courthouse until late afternoon, so it shouldn’t be a huge problem. Besides, what’s a victory worth if you aren’t allowed a moment to appreciate it.
As I gaze at Hemma over the top of my tall chocolate milk glass, I can’t help but find myself incredibly drawn to this beautiful portion of macaroni and cheese. We haven’t know each other long, but I already feel like the connection between us is that of two friend’s who’ve been close for years.
Of course, friendship isn’t the only thing on my mind right now.
Ari left a while ago, leaving Hemma and me to our own devices. We’re now getting flirtier and flirter, and the tension in the air is becoming hard to ignore.
I first noticed just how attractive this sentient food was when she was standing there in the courtroom defending me. In that moment I had some other things on my mind, obviously, but I still haven’t been able to shake command that she possessed over the room.
“You were amazing today,” I offer.
Hemma laughs. “It’s a job, but thank you.”
“But you’re so skilled at it,” I continue, taking a quick sip from my ice cold chocolate milk and then continuing my thought. “What makes you so good?”
The living mac and cheese laughs again. “Well, I really should keep denying your praise and being modest, but since you’ve asked this many times tonight I suppose I can let you in on my secret.”
Hemma hesitates for a moment, eyeing me up. I can tell that she’s thinking all kinds of thoughts, some that she simply refuses to say, and I yearn to know what they all are. There’s something so mysterious about this beautiful food, so intoxicating.
“My secret is that I actually care,” the living macaroni and cheese finally continues. “I really do.”
I smile. “About all your clients?”
Hemma can read my signals loud and clear, responding in turn. “Some more than others,” she says, then leans in and kisses me deeply on the mouth.
Electricity shoots through my body, the lust and arousal breaking out from its cage and setting my nerves alight. I want nothing more than to take her right here and now, but we’re not in the position to do anything like that just yet.
“Let’s go,” the living mac and cheese offers once we finally pull away from each other.
The next thing I know, Hemma is taking me by the hand and leading me out of the chocolate milk bar. The two of us are walking fast down the city streets, not saying a word as our minds overflow with erotic thoughts. We don’t have to go very far before Hemma is turning into one of the buildings, making her way through the lobby and then pressing a button for the elevator.
“Is this your apartment?” I question.
“My office,” Hemma replies.
The elevator arrives and we step onto it, but before the doors even have a chance to close the two of us are all over each other once again. Me and the sentient mac and cheese are making out passionately now, giving in to the feelings of carnal lust that have been plaguing us all evening. It feels incredible to purge all of this pent up sexual tension, letting ourselves go and giving in to the moment.
When the elevator dings at Hemma’s floor she pushes me out of the lift, still kissing me deeply on the mouth as she begins to strip away my clothes. I’m tumbling backward, barely able to stay upright as the fabric is torn away from my body and left like a colorful trail of breadcrumbs that winds its way through the empty, dimly lit law office.
Soon enough, I find myself pressed up against a desk, my legs opening slightly to allow Hemma between. The sentient mac and cheese begins to make her way down my bare, exposed body, moving from my lips to my collarbone. She kisses across me gently, taking her time before moving on to my breasts. Here she plays with my nipples a bit, tickling and teasing them with her mouth before continuing along to my stomach.
When Hemma reaches my waistline she hesitates, still overwhelmed with lust but not wanting to hit me with too much too fast. Instead, she teases me for a moment, rubbing my legs and tempting me with the prospect of something more.
“Please,” I beg, the single word falling limply from my mouth as I pull her closer to my body.
“You want more?” the living food questions mischievously.
I don’t respond verbally, too desperate to find the words, but nod along in confirmation.
Finally, Hemma relents, dropping down to her knees before me and diving in. She starts by tickling my clit gently with her macaroni tongue, working me slowly as I begin to pump my hips against her. I soft moan escapes my lips as my body gives in completely, relaxing and allowing her to play me like she might the audience of a courtroom. She has total control, pacing herself in a way that causes my frame to tremble and quake.
I reach down and place my hand on the back of the mac and cheese’s head, pulling her even closer as I continue to grind my body against her.
Hemma can tell that I’m desperate for more, and she’s happy to oblige. The sentient pasta dish picks up speed, the two of us gradually falling into sync with one another as she laps away at my pussy with more and more intensity. Moments later, she adds another technique to the mix, slipping her fingers within me and slowly pumping in and out in perfect sync with the movements of her mouth.
“Oh fuck,” I gasp, not entirely prepare for this additional stimulation but absolutely loving it.
At this point I can feel the first hints of a powerful orgasm blossoming within me, starting at the pit of my stomach and then spilling out down my arms and legs. I let the tingle overwhelm my form, relaxing my body as the sensations build stronger by the minute.
My macaroni and cheese lawyer definitely knows what she’s doing, and she shows this by keeping her movements steady and even. It’s working, and she’s not going to change things up at the last second. Instead, Hemma carries me along with a steady pace, pushing me closer and closer to my inevitable climax as the tension builds.
“I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum,” I repeat over and over again, the words spilling out of me in a frantic mantra. Soon enough, I’m screaming them out at the top of my lungs, filling Hemma’s office with the sound of our wild lovemaking. The words have transformed into a guttural howl, and as the tidal wave of orgasm hits me I throw my head back and let it erupt out from my throat.
“Fuck!” I scream, rocking hard against the desk as I cum hard. I shut my eyes tight, reeling for what seems like forever and then finally coming back down from my exceptional high.
I’m deeply satisfied, but certainly not tired. In fact, I’m more energized than ever.
Without warning, I slip down off the desk and push Hemma back so that she’s sprawled out on the floor, this beautiful golden macaroni and cheese gloriously exposed in the dim light of the evening that streams through her office window.
I climb on top of the living food and begin to kiss my way down her body, taking my time with her but quickly running out of patience. Unable to control myself, I drop down to her pussy and begin to eat her out, returning the favor.
Hemma cries out and arches her back, happy to let these feelings flow through her as I go to town. I take everything that I’ve learned about her preferences as a giver and turn them around for her to take, using her own technique for the best results possible.
The most amazing thing about all this, however, is the taste. The pussy of this living food is absolutely incredible, a perfectly cooked meal of warm macaroni and cheddar cheese that melts in your mouth and fills you with savory, salty goodness. I lap away at her happily, enjoying the snack as Hemma writhes in pleasure above.
Soon enough, the living food is approaching an orgasm of her own. I can feel the muscles of her stomach clench and release, preparing for the inevitable and then suddenly erupting in a spastic fit. My mac and cheese lawyer’s entire frame is convulsing hard as she shrieks with orgasmic pleasure, gripping the back of my head and pulling me close against her.
The climax lasts for what seems like forever, until finally Hemma falls back against the ground in exhaustion.
I climb up next to her, wrapping my arms around the sentient food.
“That was amazing,” I offer.
The living macaroni and cheese smiles, then kisses me delicately on the mouth. “It was,” she replies.
The two of us just lay here on the floor for a while, staring up at the ceiling above as we enjoy one another’s presence. It’s a magical moment where nothing needs to be spoken or done, just lovers appreciating the present for exactly what it is.
Eventually, Hemma tries to get up.
The calm shatters.
“Oh no,” the sentient pasta blurts, looking down at her arm in shock as she struggles to push herself off the ground.
I follow the living meal’s gaze and gasp in alarm. Her macaroni and cheese body is strangely puffy and limp, exhibiting a frightening amount of trouble as she attempts to push herself off the ground.
“What happened?” I cry.
Hemma takes a breath and lets it out, trying to remain calm. “The sex was too hot,” she replies knowingly.
“What?” I blurt, still panicking. “What do you mean?”
“The sex was too hot, and now I’m overcooked,” she explains. “I’m falling apart.”
“Are you going to be okay?” I continue, deeply concerned about my new lover.
Hemma forces a smile. “In a few days, yes,” she offers, which immediately sets me the slightest bit at ease.
“Thank god,” I gush.
Then the living macaroni and cheese hits me with a bombshell. “But I won’t be able to represent you in court tomorrow.”
“What?” I cry out.
Hemma nods. “I can’t move when I’m overcooked, I can barely think,” she explains. “It’s not gonna happen. You’ll have to represent yourself.”
I shake my head in utter terror. “No!” I sob. “I can’t do this.”
“You can,” the sentient meal assures me, wrapping a gloppy arm around me and pulling me close. “I believe in you.”
She holds me like this for a good while, just rocking me back and forth on the floor of her law office.
“You really believe in me?” I finally question, pulling back and looking Hemma deep in the eyes.
The macaroni and cheese nods. “You can do this.”
My heart slams in my chest as I sit in the courtroom, listening along as the opposing council makes their argument and Judge Tingle watches intently. Of course, listening is a generous word to use, because my thoughts are elsewhere. I’m boiling over with anxiety, worried that I’ll somehow screw this up and allow water to sue anyone they want out of spite.
I’m here not just representing myself, but representing anyone who has ordered a delicious chocolate milk instead of a glass of water.
“I rest my case,” the opposing council finally says, nodding and then sitting back down in their chair.
Judge Tingle turns his attention to me. “Mona,” he offers. “What would you like to say, bud?”
I stand up, using all the discipline I can muster to focus on the task at hand. I open my mouth to speak, then abruptly stop.
“Mona?” Judge Tingle continues, growing concerned.
I realize now that the anxiety has finally gotten me, overwhelming my senses to such a degree that I can’t even force out a single word. My heart begins to slam harder and harder within my chest, spelling certain doom for this case.
Suddenly, however, Hemma’s kind words from yesterday work their way into my brain.
She might not be here in the courtroom, but that sentient macaroni and cheese is still in my heart.
Immediately, my attitude shifts. I can feel my confidence flooding back as I glance over at opposing council, then at the Judge.
“Come on,” I offer with a laugh.
Judge Tingle begins to nod as I gesture at the other lawyer.
“This case…” I continue. “Really?”
I hesitate for a moment, building tension, then raise one eyebrow.
“Seriously? Come on,” I repeat, giving this one an extra helping of exasperation.
Judge Tingle nods and then bangs his gavel. “I rule in favor of Mona Morson!”
My friend Ari erupts with a cheer from the back of the courtroom as the others moan and groan. I smile wide as a wave of sweet relief washes over me.
As I begin to pack up my things, my phone rings.
“Hello?” I answer.
“I just saw what happened on the courtroom live stream,” the familiar voice of Hemma offers, this sweet sound dancing across my ears. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” I gush, unable to hold back my smile.
“You put on a hell of a show,” the sentient macaroni and cheese continues. “I think we should talk about adding you on as a new partner at my firm.”
“Wait, really?” I blurt in utter shock.
“Really,” Hemma confirms.
