Chuck Tingle
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The Federal Government Shuts Down My Butt - (Classic Tingler Revisited)
🕑 Added 2025-01-22 22:36:08 +0000 UTChello buckaroos LOVE IS REAL what a day. despite the political turmoil of the world i am still trotting along with hope in my step, but i will admit my general WAY is a bit fiery and i suspect it will stay FIRED UP for a while to come.
i have talked on here about how i am not really looking forward to writing more political tinglers. it can get a bit exhausting and i have felt myself drifting into existential and philosophical and spiritual ways in my art more and more, but i also cannot really CONTROL where tinglers go. it is a journey that i am strapped in for and i am not always sure where the tracks of this dang roller coaster called ART will go.
anyway, lately i have felt the roller coast turning. i have felt my heart sayin 'maybe we will be leading you back there to trot a more political trot.' LUCKY DAY is VERY political so that is already something that is taking place in the realm of the horror tingleverse, and maybe it is only a matter of time before my erotica trot catches us.
this got me thinking about what i would post here on the patreon and i decided i wanted to do a LIGHT POLITICAL tingler. the one i have picked is pretty fun because it is about JUST ONE of the many things that can go wrong in this governmental realm. in this case it is about a sort of NEBULOUS LACK OF COMPETENCY so it seemed like a good starter to kick off these growing feelings of mine.
alright buckaroos please enjoy THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN MY BUTT
Grendy loves being a ranger at Bunderbo National Park, and when the federal government shutdown puts him out of a job, Grendy is absolutely devastated. Just when the ranger thinks it can’t get any worse, he learns that his butt is shut down, too.
As civilization collapses around him, Grendy disappears out into the wilderness, building a log cabin and living off the land. It’s not until he meets Trento Reets, a handsome unicorn mailman on the run, that he realizes just how terrible things have gotten out there.
Unfortunately, Trento holds a terrifying secret that can only be thwarted by an open heart and an open butt.
This erotic tale is 4,200 words of sizzling human on uniformed unicorn action, including anal, blowjobs, rough sex, facials, and real love despite the government shutdown.
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THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SHUTS DOWN MY BUTT
By Chuck Tingle
As a park ranger, I don’t much care to get bogged down in the mundane activities of city life. I’m in this position because I love nature, and when I’m out here in the middle of nowhere, I couldn’t be happier.
That being said, there really is something magical that comes along with helping cosmopolitan folk enjoy the great wide world of nature around them. Watching someone gaze out across the forest at sunset sends my heart fluttering, and it reminds me that everything requires a delicate balance to function. Sure, nature is a blessing, but human beings are a blessing, too, and the way these two forces work together is something truly special.
In a practical sense, my job entails many things, but most of my time during the week is spent manning the toll booth at the entrance of Bunderbo National Park, an incredible stretch of land featuring lush forests, towering mountains, and breathtaking canyons. I sit in my booth and offer parking passes to visitors, as well as offer helpful advice on how to make their best of their camping trips. It might sound boring to some, and sure, it would be great to be traipsing around in the woods full time, but this humble amount of service fills me with a joy I can barely describe.
I’m lounging in my booth this afternoon, waiting for the next car full of campers to arrive, when suddenly there’s a loud knock on the window of my small hut. I sit up in alarm, startled until I realize that it’s just my boss, Ronka.
Unfortunately, the sorrowful expression on Ronka’s face doesn’t help to calm my nerves.
“What is it?” I question.
The man takes a deep breath and lets out it, no longer focused on me but instead gazing around at the beautiful green forest. He’s taking it all in, as though this might be his last time.
“Ronka,” I repeat, breaking my boss’s concentration.
He smiles at me now, shaking his head from side to side in a state of utter disbelief. “I’m sorry, Grendy, but they’re actually doing it. They’re shutting us down.”
I narrow my eyes, still not quite sure what he’s trying to say. “Who is?”
“The government. Well, pretty much just Tromp,” Ronka continues. “There’s a disagreement over the budget, and Tromp won’t budge, so the federal government is shutting down for a while.”
“How long is a while?” I question in disbelief, still unable to comprehend the fact that this is actually happening.
Ronka shrugs. “Could be a day, could be a week. I don’t really know. All I know is that we’re out of a job for a while.”
“What about paychecks?” I continue. “People have families to feed.”
“Tromp doesn’t care,” replies my boss.
We sit in silence for a moment as I struggle to come to terms with all this. If I’m not a park ranger, then who am I? Suddenly, the world around me seems strange and unfamiliar.
“So… I should just… go home?” I continue.
Ronka nods. “But before you go, there’s one more thing.”
“What is it?” I question, the worry within me continuing to grow.
“It’s not just the parks that are getting shut down,” explains Ronka. “It’s not just the tax refunds and the food stamps, either.”
I stare at my boss now with overflowing anxiety.
“They’re shutting down your butt,” my boss informs me. “All butts, actually.”
His words hit me like an icicle to the heart, running through my veins in a wash of cold fear. I nearly topple out of my chair, but somehow manage to stay upright as Ronka begins to walk away.
It’s been six months since the government shutdown and the country has entered a state of utter chaos. Most of the big cities have devolved into wastelands of carnage and depravity, but those of us lucky enough to have a place in the wilderness have disappeared into isolation.
As a former ranger, I had no problem fading into the wilds, and despite the fact that my paychecks have long since stopped coming, I’ve managed to survive on my outdoorsman skills of hunting, fishing and agricultural cultivation. I built a cabin out of logs and tend a nearby garden, which has enough vegetables left over to prepare a hearty stockpile for the coming winter.
Around my cabin are a number of traps, set up to catch any potential intruders on my small plot of land. Fortunately, most of the marauders and bandits don’t get this far out, and my deep knowledge of what was once Bunderbo National Park has kept me safe and secure. I’m positioned in a small valley, and I know all the ways in and out of this canyon.
Of course, the sense of safety has brought me to something of a lull. My logical brain knows that it’s still incredibly dangerous out there, but I’m definitely not as sharp as I was when I was still hoping to making life work back in civilization.
My sense of dread perks up suddenly as I her a loud snap and then a howl of surprise, the voice echoing out through the forest air around me. I glance up from the stick that I’m whittling, so surprised to hear something other than the natural hum of the woods that I almost don’t know what to do with myself.
Seconds later, I spring into action, bounding down my cabin’s front porch and taking off into the woods in search of the poor soul who’s managed to wander into one of my snare.
I take my freshly carved spear with me.
I know this land well, and it only takes a few minutes of sprinting through the brush before I come upon my victim, a single humanoid form hanging from a cargo net that dangles in the trees above.
“Who are you and why are you on my land?” I call out.
The person tangled up in my net is still clearly a little dazed and confused, but they manage to pull together a response. “Your land? This is a National Park!”
His words strike deep into the core of my being. It’s been a long time since the government shutdown began, and this new way of life has started to erode the things that I once held dear. Bunderbo Park is a place for all people to enjoy and experience nature, not some stronghold that I’ve claimed for myself.
“You’re right,” I sigh. “I’m sorry.”
I walk over to a nearby tree where the rope is tied, then slowly being to let my cargo net trap down towards the forest floor. The lower it drifts, the better view I get of the creature whose been captured inside.
He’s wearing a blue uniform, and it slowly becomes apparent that my visitor is a mailman. He also happens to be exceptionally handsome, and a unicorn.
“I’m Grendy,” I inform the mailman when he finally reaches the ground, the net falling off around his body. “Sorry about the rude introduction. You can’t be too careful these days.”
“Apology accepted,” the unicorn replies, stepping out of my cargo net and pressing down the wrinkles of his uniform. “I’m Trento Reets.”
“I was under the impression that mail service went down months ago,” I tell him, making note of Trento’s uniform.
The unicorn lets out a long, angst-ridden sigh as he stares off into space. “It did,” he offers, “I just loved my job too damn much to take the uniform off.”
“I hear you,” I inform him. “Nothing like a unicorn in uniform.”
It’s only then that the handsome creature smiles. I can see him making note of the park ranger attire that still covers my frame. By now, it’s dirty and covered in mud, but I still wear it proudly.
“So what’s it like back in the real world?” I ask. “I’ve been out here in the woods for months now, but I can’t imagine the cities have improved at all.”
“They’ve gotten even worse,” Trento informs me. “Tromp has locked himself in his bedroom with some crayons and construction paper, he says he won’t open up for anyone. Every day some important program is running out of funding and just collapsing into dust.”
“Not… literally?” I stammer.
“Literally,” Trento continues. “The cities are crumbling.”
“Damn,” I say. “Well, I’m glad I’m out here then.”
“Tell me about it,” the handsome mailman confirms.
I eye my visitor up and down for a moment, still trying to get a read on him. Now that the two of us are standing face to face, I can finally see just how gorgeous this fellow former government worker really is. His body is perfectly sculpted and muscular, a barrel chest and thick arms that lead up to his playful, unicorn smile. Even in these times of danger and desperation, the mailman seems ready for anything, still fighting the good fight.
“Well, I’m sorry to disturb you,” Trento continues. “I was just looking for a place to call my own for a while. I didn’t know you’d already settled back here in the canyon.”
“It’s alright,” I offer in return, considering my options for a moment.
The handsome mailman begins to turn away but I stop him in his tracks.
“Hey,” I blurt. “It’s honestly getting a little lonely out here. You want to come back to the cabin for a while and just… hang out?”
Trento smiles, but his expression quickly fades. “I’d love to, but I’ve gotta keep moving. More and more people are gonna be heading out here to stake a claim of their own, and if I stick around to long I’m gonna miss out on all the best spots.”
I let out a disappointed sigh, not quite sure I should say what I’m about to say, but then finally giving in. “You don’t have to leave,” I inform Trento. “I mean, the valley is huge and it’s well protected. You can stay if you’d like. I can even help you build a cabin of your own.”
“You’d do that?” the handsome unicorn gushes.
I nod. “I’ve been and ranger for years. I’ve got it down to a science.”
Trento shakes his head in astonished appreciation, having trouble coming to terms with my generosity. In a moment of elation he final opens his arms wide and wraps them around me, pulling me close in a powerful hug.
The two of us stand here in our warm embrace for quite a while, enjoying one another’s presence. What starts off as a hug quickly evolves into something more as we refuse to pull away from one another, finally submitting to the simmering attraction between us.
Unfortunately, neither one is ready to take things any farther, and we eventually pull away.
“Fellow me,” I offer my new friend. “The cabin’s back here.”
I lead the handsome unicorn deeper into the forest, carefully showing him how to avoid the snares and pitfalls that I’ve constructed along the way. Am I being to trusting of this new arrival? Possibly. But it’s been so long that I’m honestly just excited to have a little company.
On top of all that, there’s absolutely no denying to attraction that continues to blossom between us.
Finally, we arrive at the cabin.
“Oh wow,” Trento gushes. “This is amazing. You built this all by yourself?”
I nod. “From the ground up.”
“You haven’t been using your butt in there at all, have you?” the unicorn questions, a strange firmness to his tone.
I suddenly freeze in my tracks, turning around slowly to face my new friend. My feelings of excitement have suddenly been joined by a looming dread, a realization that maybe all of this was too good to be true.
When my gaze finally meets the unicorn I find that he’s holding out a badge for me to see, an official government seal that I don’t recognize.
This whole thing was nothing more than a devious trap.
“Trento Reets, Department of Butthole Use,” the unicorn announces gruffly. “We’re a new division of the Unicorn Butt Cops.”
I shake my head in disappointment. “I can’t believe you lied to me.”
I can tell my words disturb the unicorn slightly, but he quickly pushes away any doubt and continues with his mission. “I’m here to investigate any possible butt use that may have occurred since the shutdown.”
I narrow my eyes slightly, realizing something. “Wait… you’ve an entirely new branch of federal government that was created after the government shut down?”
The unicorn nods.
“How does that make any sense at all?” I continue.
Trento is silent, but I can see that his brain is spinning, working through my question and quickly realizing that there’s no decent answer.
“How big is the Department of Butthole Use?” I continue.
“It’s the largest government agency now,” Trento replies, reluctantly.
I scoff. “So the federal government is shut down, and now it’s costing even more money than before? That’s insane.”
The handsome unicorn continues to maintain his authoritative stance, but I can tell these logical inconsistencies are weighing on him.
I looks like he’s barely holding on to the ideals that brought him out here in the first place.
“Also… do you really think it’s right to regulate butt use?” I continue.
This question is what does it. Finally, Trento lets out a defeated sigh and lowers his badge, allowing the physical and emotional exhaustion to overwhelm him. “You’re right,” the unicorn says. “What am I even doing out here?”
In a moment of empathy, I reach out and place my hand upon Trento’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” I say.
“It’s just… a lot of people need jobs now,” explains the unicorn. “When the big timers at the top pull stunts like this, they don’t ever think about how it’s gonna effect the guys like me and you just trying to make ends meet.”
“So you actually were a mailman,” I realize aloud.
Trento nods. “Yeah, I was. When the postal service closed down, I didn’t know what I was gonna do. The paychecks dried up and I was desperate, so finally I did what I had to do and joined the Department of Butthole Use.”
“It’s okay,” I reply, looking the handsome unicorn deep in his soulful eyes. “Everyone’s hurting right now.”
“I came out here to write tickets,” explains Trento, “but now there’s nothing I’d rather do than stay in this cabin with you and live off the land.”
The handsome unicorn has already burned me once before, but in this moment of compassion I still manage to have mercy on him and his plight. I know first hand just how difficult the government shutdown has been, especially on people like Trento and me.
“You know, buttholes don’t have to be regulated,” I finally say. “In fact, it would be a really big fuck you to powers that be if you stopped writing tickets and started using my ass.”
Trento cracks a wry grin. “You can shutdown the government, but you can’t shut down the people. Not the ones with love in their hearts.”
“Or in their butts,” I continue.
Suddenly, the handsome unicorn and me are embracing passionately, our lips meeting as we pull close. We begin to frantically tear away one another’s clothing, still standing right here in front of the cabin.
As the cool forest air touches my skin I feel rejuvenated in a way that I didn’t quite expect. I’ve had plenty of experiences in the great outdoors by myself, but now that there’s someone for me to enjoy them with, everything just seems that much more special.
I quickly get to work running my hands across the incredible topography of Trento’s chest, my fingers drifting lower and lower until, finally, they hesitate at the waistband of his pants. Slowly, seductively, I undo the unicorn’s belt buckle and then reach past this sacred border, wrapping my fingers tight around his enormous rod.
Trento leans horned head back and lets out a long, satisfied groan, reeling from the sensation as I pull forth his swollen dick. I slowly begin to pump my hand up and down across his length, my attention transfixed on the myriad of aching expressions as they make their way across the handsome unicorn’s face.
He’s clearly enjoying himself, and I’m happy to be the one to provide him this relief.
After a good while I drop to my knees before Trento. I gaze up at him for a moment, my eyes overflowing with carnal longing, then finally open wide and take the unicorn’s giant cock between my lips. I start slowly at first, pumping my head up and down the creature’s length as I cradle his hanging balls, giving it everything I’ve got.
“Fuck yes,” Trento groans above me, gracefully pumping his hips in time with the subtle rhythm of my face.
A take a moment of pop his cock out of my mouth and stare it down, appreciating the perfect size and symmetry of his member. Gracefully, I drag my tongue along the length of his dick, starting at the balls and ending with his swollen tip, then open wide and swallow Trento’s rod once more.
This time, I don’t bob up and down, however. Instead, I push the giant cock farther and farther into my depths, struggling to relax my gag reflex and somehow managing to allow his size well past any previous limits. Deeper and deeper Trento slides, until finally coming to rest when I reach the absolute hilt. My face is now pressed up hard against this handsome unicorn’s perfectly chiseled abs, his member fully consumed in a stunning deep throat.
Trento places his hands against the back of my head, taking control as he holds me like this.
I can feel myself running out of air, but I do my best to maintain the position, allowing the handsome unicorn to savor this moment of oral dominance.
Finally, I’m forced to pull back with a sputter and a gasp, spit flying everywhere as I struggle to collect myself. I’m wild eyed and belligerent now, craving nothing but Trento’s beautiful unicorn cock.
“Fuck me!” I demand, pulling off my pants and underwear, then tossing them to the side. “Shutdowns be damned, this butthole is open for business and it needs to be pounded.”
I turn around on the grass and pop my ass out towards the handsome unicorn, wiggling my rump from side to side playfully. I reach back and grab one cheek, holding myself open as Trento gazes longingly into my exposed anus.
“Who could ever want to shut this down?” I coo.
“But… Tromp said…” Trento stammers, still dealing with his own internal struggles.
“Fuck what Tromp said,” I counter. “Open this ass up.”
Finally overwhelmed with arousal, Trento climbs down into position behind me and places his aching dick at the tightly puckered entrance of my backdoor. He hesitates for a moment, teasing my rim as I yearn for his penetration, then finally has mercy on me as he slides deep in one long, firm swoop.
I let out an aching cry as Trento enters my body, my hands tightly gripping the grass before me. The unicorn is patient lover, allowing me a moment to adjust to his incredible size. He begins his movements very gradually, taking his time.
Never before have I been this maxed out by a cock in my ass, the sheer size of Trento’s member something to behold. I feel as though I’m stretched to my absolute limits, like a rubber band wrapped newspaper that can barely contain the contents within.
Gradually, however, any discomfort within me begins to slip away, replaced instead by an aching sexual warmth.
Soon enough, Trento is pumping in and out of me with a confident rhythm, the two of us rocking back and forth as we exchange pleasure in an ever-escalating feedback loop. Bigger and bigger this blissed out sensation grows until it has completely overwhelms us, permeating into every movement. We are now a single unit of trembling lust.
“Fuck me harder! Fuck me harder!” I begin to mumble over and over again, more to myself than anyone else. As the handsome unicorn continues to slam my ass, the volume of my ecstatic manta grows, repeating like this until it becomes a belligerent shriek. “Fuck me harder! Fuck me harder! Open my ass up like the basic services of a functioning government!”
My handsome unicorn lover is hammering into me with everything he’s got, our passionate lovemaking at its absolute breaking point. He’s slamming my butthole like a jackhammer of thick, unicorn flesh, but somehow still managing to hit me in just the right way. Every thrust of his giant cock massages something deep down within, and this feeling continues to grow until, eventually, I am quaking hard. The sensation of impending prostate orgasm flows out across my form, running down my arms and legs as it overwhelms my entire body.
“Oh fuck,” I groan, my eyes rolling back into my head.
I reach back between my legs and grab ahold of my hanging cock, then immediately get to work beating myself off in time with the slams up my ass. Now the pleasure is blossoming within me from two distinct locations, flowing together and creating an entirely new sensation that’s even more potent than the first.
I’m dangerously close to the edge, and with one more defiant push I send myself toppling over.
“Oh my god, I’m cumming!” I scream, throwing my head back and allowing these words to transform into a wild shriek that echoes out through the woods around us.
My entire body is suddenly consumed by absolute pleasure, every cell of my being trembling at just the right frequency. I’m completely lost in the moment, feeling so full of energy and emotion that there’s suddenly no more room left in my physical form. The next thing I know, I’m hovering above myself, looking down upon the writhing mass of beautiful sex as it erupts below. Jizz ejects hard from the head of my cock, splattering out across the forest floor.
Meanwhile, Trento doesn’t let up for a second, slamming into me with just as much power as ever and carrying me through my entire orgasmic experience.
When I finally finish, the handsome unicorn pulls out of my ass.
I spin around on the ground, gazing up at Trento with wild eyes of lustful excitement. “Give me that fucking load!” I demand. “Paint my face with that hot unicorn seed.”
I reach up and grab ahold of Trento’s giant cock as he stands above me, quickly pumping my wrapped fist across his shaft and using my other hand to cradle his hanging balls. It only takes a few swift movements before Trento is throwing his head back and letting out a long, satisfied groan, his eyes shut tight as warm seed blasts from the head of his swollen cock.
The unicorn’s spunk cascades down across my face, painting me with his beautiful, pearly mess. I open my mouth wide and catch as much as I can, swallowing hungrily and then going back for more. The cum that I don’t manage to consume runs down my cheeks and dangles from my chin in long, semi-translucent strands.
When Trento finally finishes he staggers back, reeling from the explosion of pleasure that just made its way through his body. He finds a seat on the front steps of my cabin and collapses down, struggling to catch his breath.
I collect myself and then stroll over to him confidently, sitting next to the handsome unicorn and wrapping an arm around him. I pull Trento close as the two of us gaze out across the lush green forest, taking in the sights and sounds of this beautiful, natural landscape.
“This whole thing is so fucking ridiculous,” Trento sighs. “Putting people out of jobs, denying their basic services. I hope it ends soon.”
“Me too,” I reply, “but if we’re gonna be stuck in this mess, I’m glad to be stuck next to you.”
Trento smiles. “Nobody is gonna keep these buttholes shut down, that’s for sure.”
In this moment of chaos, I’m more thankful than ever to have Trento by my side. Regardless of what happens out there, we’ve got each other, and that’s a pretty good start.
There’s plenty of work to be done, though.
“I’m fine to stay in this cabin a bit longer,” I suddenly blurt. “But… I wanna go back to civilization.”
“What? Why?” stammers the handsome unicorn.
“You’ve inspired me,” I explain. “You could’ve come out here and written me a ticket for using my butt, but instead you fought back. You stood up against the scoundrels and the devils. I wanna stand up, too. I want my voice to be heard.”
“How?” questions Trento.
“I’m not sure yet,” I continue. “Maybe I’ll write a book about it.”
The handsome unicorn raises his eyebrows. “What’s that gonna do?”
I shrug. “Bring hope? Bring joy? I don’t know. Right now, it’s all I’ve got, but I’m trying my best.”
Trento nods, apparently satisfied with this answer. “Well, what’s it gonna be called?” he questions.
“The Federal Government Shuts Down My Butt,” I inform him.
