AdrianKing
patreon
Darkest Before Dawn - 72
🕑 Added 2024-08-08 17:52:57 +0000 UTCChapter 72
“Thank you…” Kazuki said, his voice low, unsure. Uwabami would have a field day with him if he were to act like that in any important setting. Alas, she was also the one that told him he should find moments to relax. If that one wasn’t one such moment, then Kazuki didn’t know which would be.
“Don’t mention it, problem child,” Aizawa replied gruffly, but his tone, his expression and even his emotions were betrayed by his actions. Because there was no way the man would be doing what he was if he didn’t care. It was an odd moment, when Kazuki could feel moved by a person that was so visibly against something, especially when their emotions supported that belief.
“Still, you know I can feel what you are doing to yourself when you stop, right?” he pointed out with a sad smile, playing one of the cards in his hand. A game of cards had definitely not been in his list of possibilities when he’d gone to Inui for a session. Alas, there they were, the three of them, playing cards all the same.
“Being a hero isn’t always nice and comfortable,” Aizawa answered with a shrug, considering his own hand.
“Don’t worry about it, Kazuki. That kind of defeats the purpose of this, don’t you think?” Inui pointed out. He’d give the man that, he was right. However, it wasn’t so easy to not feel guilty. Aizawa’s eyes felt like shit whenever he stopped using his Quirk to stop Kazuki’s.
Alas, his teacher seemed determined in his endeavor, which was to give him some time without bad emotions weighing on him. Inui had explained that they had been talking about doing something like that for quite a while. Probably since he’d explained his existential issues in regards to his Quirk, if Kazuki had to take a guess. So, they were there, just… wasting time while Aizawa blocked his Quirk for as long as he could without straining his eyes.
It wasn’t much, but Kazuki could feel himself… relaxing.
Inui had been right, it seemed, now that his pessimism and paranoia seemed to have… lessened. It hadn’t disappeared, but it felt a lot less… oppressing. Kazuki was still kind of wrapping his head around that, really, but it was such a relief to not have his mind scrambled with negativity that he now knew wasn’t his. ‘How sad is it that I never noticed this effect of my Quirk until now?’ he wondered wryly to himself.
A Quirk issue that only came up when he didn’t have anything negative for his mind to latch onto, and it’d taken him eleven years of life to find it.
How fun.
“Are you feeling better though?” Inui asked and Kazuki didn’t answer for a long moment, simply looking at his cards even though it wasn’t his turn. It was Inui’s, actually. The man was probably gonna hold the game hostage until he answered, the bastard.
“... I think so,” he answered, not sounding as sure as he’d have liked. “I do feel better, yes, but… I don’t know how I’ll feel once this is over,” he explained, looking down a little. Why couldn’t he stand up on his own for once? Why did he need help with everything, all the time?
God, he was useless.
Kazuki took a deep breath in and then let it out with a sigh.
“It’s fine,” Aizawa grumbled, waving him off. “Maybe we can do this some more some other day, if it doesn’t work. Not everything can be solved immediately,” the man added and Kazuki felt even worse. If they were helping him, that was time they weren’t helping someone else, probably more people than just himself too.
“You are thinking too much again, Kazuki,” Inui told him, breaking him out of his thoughts. “I know you by now, I believe,” the counselor commented with a grin that turned a little sad after a moment. “You deserve to be helped just as much as anyone else. So, just take the help, okay? That’s what we are here for.”
“Sorry,” Kazuki replied, getting a weary sigh from Aizawa.
“Honestly,” his homeroom teacher huffed. “If you feel bad, we can reach an agreement.”
“Aizawa.”
“Just trying to make the kid not feel bad about this,” the man grumbled at Inui’s warning. “Doesn’t really help him relax if he’s feeling bad for being a “burden” like an idiot, does it?” he asked and the counselor sighed, bringing a hand to his face.
“I’m listening,” Kazuki said, for his part. If he could return the favor in some way, then that’d definitely help him feel less guilty. He knew he was being silly and such. They were trying to help him and that was that, but… He just wasn’t used to people helping him for no reason. There was usually some kind of obligation or exchange. Like Inui, who had a duty to help him as student counselor, or Maeda, who had a duty as his mentor for the week of the internships.
“So troublesome,” Aizawa said wearily. “So, I happen to like cats,” he commented and Kazuki started making a Kitten Sabyr immediately while the man stared at him flatly. He could almost feel the urge to roll his eyes coming from Aizawa. Alas, the man couldn’t really do that without breaking his Quirk’s effect. “I also happen to like classical music and I hear you are good with a violin.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m good,” he commented, rubbing the back of his neck. “And I don’t actually own a violin myself, but I’m kind of saving for that,” he added with a slight smile. “As soon as I get one, sure, you can hear me thoroughly suck at it.”
“You need more confidence too, it seems,” Aizawa pointed out dryly, making him chuckle weakly. “I’ll look forward to it. In the meantime, we are adding this to your tab then,” the man added, one of his hands moving to pat the Kitten Sabyr Kazuki had just made.
“Sure,” he replied with a slight smile.
[}-o-{]
Kazuki was once more playing the violin.
He’d felt a little inspired, he supposed, after talking about it with Aizawa and Inui back at what had to be one of his more drawn out sessions with the counselor. Everyone had been a little intrigued when he came out, especially since their homeroom teacher had gone in mid session, but nobody had asked questions once he’d made it clear he didn’t want to talk about it. Either way, the conversation had left him feeling like he wanted to play a bit, he supposed. He’d need plenty of practice if he wanted to play for others as compensation.
Sure, he knew his teacher was just saying that so he’d feel less like he was inconveniencing them, but Kazuki still wanted it to be proper payment. Was that so wrong? Was that some other remnant of his past that had screwed over his common sense somehow? He wouldn’t be surprised if it was, but… it was how he was, he supposed.
If it was something that was wrong with him, then Inui was likely to address it at some point. Poor bastard had a lot of work to get through with him. Kazuki expected he’d be going to sessions for the rest of his time in U.A. and maybe he’d have to look into a therapist even after he graduated. ‘Cheerful thought, that one,’ he mused wryly.
It wasn’t the only reason he had gone to play though, no. After all, he was kind of avoiding public spaces and going to the Jiro’s store didn’t quite agree with that. However, he had some other goals there, so he’d decided to risk it for once.
‘Focus,’ he told himself, drawing his full attention back to the song he was playing. He felt like he was finally shaking off some of the rust, little by little. Soon, he might be half-decent like he was back when he practiced often. That’d be nice, especially if he was going to keep playing with an audience.
Eventually, he had to slow down, right at the end.
“Which is that one?” Kyoka asked, like she always did when he played. He smiled, looking at the instrument in his hands. He didn’t dare look at his friends. They always looked at him with such awe when he played. It made him want to play more. Especially because they never felt any bad emotions when he did, which meant that they… genuinely liked his music.
He was still wrapping his head around that.
“L’estate, Summer,” he answered, taking a deep breath in. “From The Four Seasons.”
“Fitting,” Momo commented, amused. She wasn’t wrong. He’d played it precisely because they were almost starting summer. June was around the corner, after all, and the days were getting warmer and warmer. “And that was beautiful, as always.”
“Thank you,” he replied with a wider smile. He was already giving up on telling his friends how badly he played. Even Kyoka, who should be able to notice the myriad of mistakes he made, insisted on him being at least good. It was ridiculous.
It did also feel pretty great, admittedly.
“Here,” Minoru told him, passing him his phone once he set down the violin. He’d given it to him so that he could record him playing. He was going to send the video to Uwabami.
Kazuki wasn’t too sure why his mentor – ‘Is it ex-mentor now?’ – wanted him to do that, but he hadn’t questioned her. If she wanted to keep helping him even after the internships were over, then he’d just have to find a way to repay her for that. ‘Can I know why you wanted it?’ he sent her after a moment. The curiosity got to him in the end, he supposed.
Maeda didn’t immediately answer, but that was expected. She was probably busy, he supposed. So, he checked a few things in his phone and then locked it, turning his attention back to his friends. The girls seemed to have started whispering something between themselves like they usually would. Minoru, for his part, had moved to talk with Shoto… about why he always seemed displeased with his playing.
“He’s just weird like that, man,” his vertically challenged friend commented, making Kazuki’s eye twitch.
“I’m just not that good. I make a lot of mistakes and that annoys me,” he said, joining the conversation with a frustrated sigh. “Honestly, my…” he started, before trailing off.
“Your…?” Shoto said, trying to get the rest out of him. Kazuki, for his part, held back a grimace, pulling on his training with Uwabami. It wouldn’t do to let things show, especially then and there. Mood was up, after all, so he didn’t want to ruin it.
“I just need to get my skills back to where they were before, is all,” he replied with a shrug. “Then you’ll see.”
“If you say so,” Minoru said with a roll of his eyes.
In the privacy of his mind though, Kazuki felt like there was a giant hole under him and he might fall through any second. ‘Honestly, my mother always told me I sucked,’ was what he’d been about to say. Why did he think his mother’s opinion was a good one to go by though? She’d have thought he sucked even if he were the best violinist on Earth.
Why was it that he couldn’t play without hearing her yapping at him, pointing out mistakes and places where he could have done better?
Why was he still caring about what she’d do or say?
‘Somehow, someway, you’ll always find a way to ruin things for me, won’t you?’ he thought to himself, struggling to keep his mask on. Finding the words to keep himself in conversation with his friends was even harder, but he managed. God bless Uwabami and her lessons, even if they hadn’t been for that kind of thing.
“I’m disappointed.”
‘For once, I agree with you,’ Kazuki thought, feeling very, very disappointed in himself. He was trying to move on, wasn’t he? His mother, his parents, they were both behind him already.
Yet, there he was.
[}-o-{]
“Thank you,” Kazuki mumbled, cup of tea in his hands.
“I feel like we’ve been over this,” Aizawa replied dryly before drinking from the mug of coffee Kazuki had offered him. They were back at his apartment, after he’d come back home. All his friends had gone their separate ways already for the night, unsurprisingly. Much as he’d like to, they couldn’t always be around each other.
Such was life.
“I know, I just… I just feel childish,” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair.
“Nothing childish about needing help and admitting it,” Aizawa told him. “Often people refuse to ask for it and make things worse for themselves, as if the fact immediately made them less for some reason. That’s illogical. Everyone needs help, often much more than they’d like to admit or even know.”
“You are such a teacher,” Kazuki replied with a slight smile. “And I know all that. I just…”
“You are just full of illogical thoughts,” Aizawa finished for him, sighing as he closed his eyes and Kazuki felt his Quirk come back to him. He held back a sigh of his own, but such was the way of things. He couldn’t escape it for long, unfortunately. “Give me a second and-”
“No, it’s fine,” he interrupted, earning himself a frown from his teacher. “That was just what I needed, but I don’t want to be a bother. Also,” he continued quickly before Aizawa could get more annoyed and scold him. “Also… I just wanted a moment to gather my thoughts and I got it. I’m sorry for interrupting your day.”
“No way around it,” Aizawa told him, waving off his worries. “You wouldn’t be the first time I have to help someone with a troublesome Quirk and likely won’t be the last. There’s nothing to be done about this kind of thing.”
“Must suck for you,” Kazuki commented sympathetically.
“Just as it does for you, I imagine,” his teacher replied, making him blink. “You go out of your way to help people that only you can with your Quirk. Does it suck?”
“I mean, I…” he started before trailing off. He hadn’t thought of it like that. His Quirk was awful, sure, but he could never say he disliked being able to help people. Distressed or that one person back in the day and anyone else he might be able to pick up on just because of who he was and what Quirk he had, all of them needed him and he’d sworn to be there for them.
He hadn’t quite applied that to Aizawa though. He just seemed like the kind of person that would find that bothersome, but… Why did Kazuki think that? The man was a hero. He had always been helpful and supportive, actually. Hell, he’d been one of the teachers that had his back during the Sports Festival.
It was all in the way the man behaved, Kazuki realized after a moment. Aizawa just looked like that kind of person, even if he wasn’t. It was kind of what Kazuki himself had to fight against, he realized. He had a public image and he had to work to change it.
In a way, he mused, he envied the man that. He could act in whatever way he wanted and it was fine. He was an underground hero, for one. For another, that didn’t really get in the way of his duties as a teacher. Sure, it was a little… questionable, but if he was happy that way, it was fine.
Kazuki didn’t have that privilege. If he wasn’t careful, the public would continue to hate him. He’d need to mind the way he behaved for a long, long time, if not forever. ‘Enough of that,’ he told himself, mentally shaking off that train of thought.
“We are heroes,” Aizawa said, further bringing him back to the present. “Helping is what we do. It won’t always be a nice thing, it won’t always be pretty, but we’ll do it anyway. Because we want to, because it’s what we’ve chosen to do.”
“... Right,” Kazuki mumbled, taking a sip from his tea.
“Do you want to talk about whatever brought this on?” Aizawa asked him, softly. The tone didn’t suit him at all, really. He didn’t comment on that, but he did find it slightly amusing.
“My mom’s a bitch,” Kazuki answered flatly.
“Quite,” his teacher readily agreed with a nod, making him snort. “We’ve done what we can about her but it’s… difficult.”
“I’m not talking about that interview,” Kazuki started explaining, sighing and looking at the liquid inside his cup. “I mean it in general. She was never… nice, but it’s been hitting me a lot more now, I guess. I don’t think I… knew any better. Now that my life is better, I guess it’s more evident how shitty everything was before.”
“People say that we don’t know what we have until we lose it,” Aizawa commented and Kazuki almost barked out a laugh. Was he saying that he didn’t know how bad he had it until he didn- “I guess the opposite is true too, sometimes. You didn’t know what you were missing until he got it.”
“That’s… One way to look at it, I guess,” Kazuki replied, his voice barely over a whisper as he leaned back on his chair. He knew there was truth in those words, he really did. Yet, for some reason, he didn’t want to admit it. It didn’t take him long to realize why, letting out a bitter chuckle. “I keep learning that I’m more messed up than I thought I was.”
“Why so?” Aizawa asked, but more than actual curiosity, it was almost like the man just wanted him to talk. Maybe he thought letting it out would help? Kazuki didn’t know if that would work, but he did speak all the same.
“I know I’m… broken, cliche as it sounds. I’ve always known,” he answered, looking at his cup of tea and taking a sip. The drink was getting cold by then, but he barely paid attention to that. “And still I keep thinking I’m not as broken as I really am.”
“Being entirely honest, Endo,” Aizawa told him and Kazuki saw a sad smile on his teacher’s face that didn’t fit his image at all, just like the soft tone from before. “You’re not as broken as you probably should be.”
Kazuki didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing.
[}-o-{]
Music played in his ears while Kazuki finished watering his plants. It seemed that they’d survived the week without issues, but then again, he’d asked his handlers if they’d mind taking care of them. Apparently, no, they didn’t mind. Hell, they’d even sent some pictures of his plants and his aquarium with praise and all. It had been… nice.
Not as nice as it was to be home though, looking at his tank full of life or looking at his balcony full of color.
He hummed along with the song, for once not one of Kyoka’s rock suggestions. Instead, he was listening to violin music. He imagined how it would be to play it, what movements he’d need to make, how good he’d be able to play it. It sounded difficult, but then again, so was his favorite song, really. He wanted to give it a try and get his friends’ opinions.
After all, by the looks of things, they were the reliable ones when it came to skill. Kazuki was suddenly very doubtful of his own appraisal in that regard. It was a conflicting realization, really. For one, it was nice to know that he played better than he thought. For another… it was kind of sad too, to know that he’d insulted his own skill for so long without even realizing. It was even confusing, because he didn’t know if he was wrong, or if they were wrong, or if they were all wrong.
Was he as good as his friend’s thought?
Was he as bad as he’d always thought?
Was he somewhere in the middle?
‘Why does life have to be so hard?’ he wondered to himself, bringing a hand up to rub his tired eyelids. Day was almost over by then. He’d eaten, done his homework and taken care of what he needed to take care of. Now, he could do whatever for a bit. Which translated to some chatting, some playing and maybe some extra studying, boring as that sounded.
Boring could be nice, he found. He was kind of still calming down from the rollercoaster that had been the internship week. Nevermind this latest mess he was now having to deal with. ‘I thought hero school would be more action packed and less… whatever this shit is,’ he thought to himself, rubbing his face tiredly once more.
Kazuki almost wanted to just call it a day and sleep for a week.
Alas, that was kind of not possible, sadly.
‘Who’d call this late?’ he wondered, looking at his phone on the table, ringing. His friends weren’t really ones to call much, especially when it wasn’t the middle of the day and they were organizing an outing. Late as it was, he didn’t think it could be any of them. They’d stick to messages.
His handlers? He hadn’t gone outside, and Aizawa had left barely an hour before or so. Maybe there’d been something he forgot? But it would have to be urgent for it to be something that couldn't just be messaged.
‘Huh,’ he thought eloquently as he picked his phone up, saw the caller and then proceeded to answer.
“Ka~zu~ki~, how’s my favorite intern doing?” Maeda asked and he smiled.
“I’m not your intern anymore, you know?” he shot back, getting a giggle from the hero.
“Sure you aren’t,” she replied cheerfully. “Anyway, you doing alright?”
“I could be better,” he said truthfully. He could have said he was fine but… What’d be the point in that? He was almost positive that she’d have known anyway. She was the reason he wasn’t as much of a terrible liar as he was before, after all.
“Tell me about it?” she offered and he considered that for a moment before mentally shrugging.
“My mom’s a bitch,” he repeated and it felt kind of… cathartic to say it. Did that make him a bad person? His mother was a bitch, he knew. He liked to think any intelligent person would agree. However, there was kind of a difference between acknowledging that and just spouting insults. It somewhat felt… rude.
Not that his mother deserved politeness, but in a general sense.
“Yup, she is,” Uwabami readily agreed, making him snort. He felt a sense of deja vu too, hadn’t it gone pretty much like that with Aizawa? Fun stuff. Somehow, he didn’t quite expect people to just… agree with him. Nobody had seemed to see things his way back in the day so… he was kind of used to being the one different, he supposed. “That’s nothing new though. What’s this about?”
“I just realized that she’s the reason I think I suck with the violin, is all,” he explained, his tone casual even if he felt anything but. He wasn’t acting though, the words just… came out like that, somehow. “Can you be honest with me? How good do you think I am?”
“If you told me you’d been practicing all your life, I’d believe it, Kazuki,” Uwabami told him and she was direct and honest most of the time. It spoke of his issues that he’d doubted her in this one particular thing most of all, he supposed. “Maybe you are not perfect, but nobody is.”
“Perfection doesn’t exist,” Kazuki mumbled, almost without realizing. Those weren’t his words though. It was something Maeda had told him. “It’s something to strive towards, but it’s something you’ll never reach.”
“I knew you were my favorite intern for a reason.”
“I’ll tell Itsuka that tomorrow.”
“N-Now, let’s not be hasty, ok?... I was just…”
“Were you lying to me, sensei?”
“... You are so mean, Kazuki.”
“I learned from the best.”
“Damn right.”
“Language.”
“That’s my boy.”
And despite everything, Kazuki found himself smiling a true smile.
[} Chapter End {]
Hey guys! How’s it going?
You all thought All for One or the press would be the final boss? You were wrong. It was trauma all along!
On a serious note, yeah, Kazuki just can’t catch a break even when nothing’s going on. That’s just how it is, I guess.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter… sort of? Eh, whatever.
Discord Link: discord.gg/UTDransjJZ
Random Question: Do you like classical music? I had never been a great fan. I didn’t dislike it or anything, but it just wasn’t my thing. I’ve started to listen to violin pieces now, due to this story, and I have to say my opinion is kind of changing. It’s kind of neat, not gonna lie.
See you.
