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Pisces The Walking Disaster Chapter 1: My Director made me start a Zombie Apocalypse!
🕑 Added 2024-08-03 01:35:07 +0000 UTCAs promised, here's the chapter! The next one will be available in advance for any paid members on the 6th of August 2024, or for those patient enough for it it'll be available to all free members on 16th of August 2024.
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Now, before we go any further, you should know that I've never used witchcraft for evil purposes! ...Well, I've never documented using it for evil purposes. 'Cos it's kinda forbidden? Just a teensy bit, so don't tell anyone about that! Otherwise, I might get witchcrafted by these heathens.
Also a true story. And law. And yesterday.
I probably shouldn't tell him about that. Yeah. I should skip right ahead and move on to my next point of conversation with C, without any context whatsoever.
It's what he would've wanted.
The ungrateful hags! And that's literal by the way- Someone from one of my former covens will literally try to turn me into a spell for it- Well, I mean if they even found out I was still alive they'd probably do that on principle, but that was neither here nor there or upstairs, so-
The elevator doors promptly opened up- I should probably speed time back up to normal, now that I think about it- leading into a rather large bullpen which given this was a recent new business alone either said the new wonder kid of an owner, he wasn't even thirty yet, had been on point with his expectations, or he got really lucky that reality decided to match his ego.
And no, I had nothing to do with that. Never even met the kid personally either. Actually, hate him. Yup. Hate him. Decided that now- Ha! Take that world-buil-
Oh god, the chest pain! The bloody Chariot's giving me a heart attack!
C! Help! I am dyin-
My stomach rumbled, causing a rather embarrassing hue to fill my face.
It was just gas.
Right.
Forgot to eat. Always forget that part about these bodies. After some brief contemplation to feed myself, I quickly shot that idea down and just let a shrug out.
I'll try again tomorrow.
Focusing back on my actual day- I hoped I wasn't just standing around staring into nothingness. Again.
It was a bad habit honestly. It's part of the reason the dinosaurs died.
With that lovely reminder in mind, I elected to do my best to not pay anyone any mind and just aimlessly swept through the mounds of humans, my gaze set on the office situated at one of the corners of the floor, gate-keeped by a new... intern?
Eh, who even cared about who she was? I know the world-build- My foot was suddenly introduced to the sharp end of a desk corner.
I kept a straight, non-manic, smile on my face as I visibly held in the urge to scream out because goddamn what was that desk made off!? Planets!?
Taking in a slight, quick, breath I idly noticed the fact I'd startled the little panicked... receptionist! That's what they called them!
I promptly just started ignoring whatever words she felt the need to say as I just sat on top of her desk and waited for my boss to call me in.
Anyway, back to you C... Give me a second, I gotta remember- Oh right, The whole transforming bad witches into witchcraft is actually why all the available spells are so petty, 'cos the people they were made from were pieces of dung!
True story, I was there when that rule was made.
In fact, I made it.
I am somewhat ashamed of it, yes.
One's personality literally translates into the spell it makes... which has the unintended side effect of there being no actual friendly spells, 'cos all the good witches never break any rules and ain't no one legally allowed to transform them into friendly spells for the greater good. Are you following me so far C? Ha, trick question, I know you're not!
C was such a good listener, honestly- I base all of my expectations on... Oh, that's why I am single.
That and immortality, and the emotional baggage of a nickname I earned but didn't deserve... the emotional baggage of enlightenment... cosmic power in a not-so-cosmic world... The ducking Chariot smiting me for every little thing! But really who was counting one's dating history?
Right, the three musketeers of debauchery.
Aries, I love ya, but you's a whore.
I hope she didn't take that completely random voice-mail with neither context nor a ducking greeting to heart.
Sagi... Sagi... The Tarrius... Just stop... Just be... Oh Sagi why can't you just freakin' exist better... Ugh. Call me, tell me you're alive. Etc. Etc.
There's my due diligence as the older, younger sibling- I don't actually know how old the idiot was.
I don't even know if Leo's in freaking existence right now... And the thought of that moron just started up a quick round of laughter- which is really bad and terrible in taste but- Oh god C, do you remember the time Leo accidentally blew up a planet!? Like seriously-
I let out a sigh, my gaze on the ceiling, a wistful smile on my face.
"Um... Ma'am? Is everything alright?" The receptionist asked me, quickly causing my head to turn towards her.
"Oh don't mind me, I am just remembering an old friend o' mine,"
"Oh." The young woman blinked, a surprised expression on her face.
Rude.
I have friends.
They're just busy ruling and accidentally blowing up their realities!
I tilted my head at the woman, causing her to blink a few times in response, hints of regret filling her face for some reason- "Oh, anti-social and a Gemini, sheesh hun, life ain't worked out for you did it?"
The regret on her face rapidly transformed into shock. "H-how did you-" I waved a hand at her, cutting her off.
"Nah, ain't explaining that yet- The shitty world-building doesn't deserve it."
I waited for a beat after saying that.
Huh.
Guess they can't interfere when it comes to human interactions.
Loophole acquired, neat.
Hey, C, I figured out how to misbehave legally! Are you proud!? I expect an answer, I need my validation!
"...What?" The intern responded with bemusement and a slight hint of distress.
"Ignore me, hun, I am basically crazy." I snorted with a shake of my head as I idly crossed my legs on top of her desk.
"...Right." The girl fixed the lenses on her face, one of her hair strands having evidently gotten stuck- Ugh, too much information!
I am not letting any of the Chariot try and rule thirty-four the poor woman!
Not that that would've stopped them.
Anyway C, where was I? Right, remember when I mentioned the make-up artist thing? Yeah, that's me. The key to success to a lot of the best movies out there! Like, I am so good at it, it's practically magical, 'cos it is. Literally. Every time. Like sometimes, I don't even have to use magic for it, but I do anyway 'cos it's easier. Gives me a longer break even! ...Please don't tell the others, I am not sure I'd be able to live down being lazier than S.
Personally though, laziness aside? Screw all my Covens's rules 'cos I got emotional trauma!
That's also literal.
The fact I am the cause of it is an entirely irrelevant point. Speaking of irrelevant points, or at the very least a complete left turn on a conversation with someone, let's give C another headache to unravel!
Magical covens are almost as bad as the crappy boarding school we all went to as kids, only instead of getting indoctrinated into cosmic trauma, the covens just make you sign a deal with the devil that gives it to you for free, in exchange for magical power you're not officially allowed to use.
I was starting to feel the slightest bit bad about dumping all this pointless information on a cosmic figurative teddy bear that can barely magic up water.
It's a really BS deal C! Like, it's only worth it if you actually use your magical power, especially if you use it for selfish reasons!
The devil loves that!
Really sweet guy that Lucifer- Ignoring the horns and wishes for eternal damnation for most of the living cosmos. Honestly, he just wanted more neighbours, he just didn't know how else to get people into his HoA.
Yes.
He invented that little hellhole of a community system.
Humanity can thank him later!
Still, regarding coverns and whatnot, I honestly can't remember why their rules were put into place, if I am completely honest... Ok, I am somewhat lying- I did put them there, I just can't remember why.
Still, you'd think the covens signing a deal with him would realise that the main reason you're not supposed to use your power willy nilly was 'cos it had unintended side effects, but what they don't understand is that there are only unintended side effects if you actually give a damn about other people. As long as you don't? No real repercussions.
In the words of this insane generation, the Devil was a 'sigma,' who believed in living up to your dreams regardless of society's opinion.
...I may have given him a social media presence.
It was a bribe.
I really wanted that Ferrari.
Besides, Twiddler deserves little ol' Luci.
"Oi, Pisces get the hell in here already!" The familiar yell promptly broke me out of my musing.
Oh, shoot, I've been monologuing for so long, I forgot I had a job to do!
With that lovely thought in mind, I calmly swept through the door, and before my Director could give me an earful about being late, I quietly took the piece of paper in one of my bottomless jean pockets out with one hand and handed him the coffee I held with the other.
Oh. Right. I made a coffee on the way here.
Sorry, not sorry, for forgetting to mention it.
Ha.
"Hey big D, big direct! What goes brr? In this day and age?"
He blinked at me a few times, ignored me for a moment and focused on the coffee quizzically before accepting it with a shrug- Check one done, have them accept your help!
Yes, I am bootlegging a magical contract, sue me.
"I... don't know Pisces, what does go brr?" He questioned exasperated before he took a sip of the coffee. "Also you need to stop calling me that- Seriously. I can already see the headlines." He visibly shuddered. "I do have a name, so use it, it's what they're for."
I gave him a deadpan look.
"...You do know my name, don't you?" He questioned slightly perplexed and when I failed to answer that question, he followed it with a disbelieving rendition of my name. "Pisces?"
I just stared at him and watched him elect to hold the bridge of his nose with his free hand. "Seriously?" I didn't bat an eyelash. He let out a sigh. "... Honestly, all things considered, I am not that surprised." He let out a sigh, took another sip of the coffee and looked me squarely in the eyes. "My name is-"
I cut him off. "World-building." A beat passed. "That's what goes brr." I clarified.
I watched him process that, proceed to ignore my craziness with another sigh and instead enjoy a sip of the coffee.
It was a magical coffee naturally.
Still, while he did all that, I elected to take in the newest addition to the man's office.
Huh.
Apparently, he'd won an award for a recent movie.
That was nice... I think?
I didn't really get it, but the award looked sparkly at least.
However, they were starting to pile up quite a bit- Honestly, half the man's office was filled with some kind of ego-infused accomplishment of his. Like he had a whole bookshelf that was supposed to hold some form of literature, but instead holding medals from his childhood.
We were neighbours growing up, he was the first brat I met when I kickstarted this particular life, not that he noticed though that was less on him and more on current me not being anything special. Still, that meant I'd known him since he was a kid. Which meant I knew for a fact he didn't actually deserve half of those medals.
The worst part though was the large windows that would've held a relatively nice view of the city, if not for the enormous self-portrait the guy had gotten of and for himself.
Eh, to each their own though. I didn't really get human culture so for all I know this was probably considered normal by everyone else? None of it really mattered for me- I was just here to see if humans actually lived up to promises they made, and if this one didn't he was going to find his 'success' falling down faster than a celebrity who forgot social media was public to everyone.
Still, I am not entirely sure what my next project is, but I had a feeling I was going to need magic for it given he'd called me himself instead of handing it down to one of his underlings.
"Listen Pisces, I am gonna need you to pull a rabbit outta the hat and find me twenty people who won't mind signing an N.D.A, strap some blockbuster-grade zombie make-up on them and have 'em ready for the third floor's upcoming scene,"
I blinked at that, frowning slightly. Peeking at the paper hidden behind my hand, I frowned fully at the fact it didn't meet the requirement-
"In the next three hours." My director added on with a wave of his hand. "Pronto."
And there it is!
Usually, I'd have to convince him to make it harder so it'd require magic and fulfill step two, but for once he's actually doing that part himself.
"I see." I blinked at him, a smile building up on my face. "Script change again I am guessing?" He nodded at that, uncaring. "And my budget for this?"
He rolled his eyes at me with a somewhat annoyed look on his face.
"Same as ever Pisces, get it done and forget the costs! You ain't crossed a line before so the overlords are giving you whatever you need-" IE the the pricks up the food chain, and no these ones aren't Chariot pricks. Just regular ones- "-they just want it done."
Now, usually, 'forget the costs' wasn't something you told a worker, but considering my long-term success in practically doing it for almost nothing, the Director and his bosses trusted me enough to basically give me an open sandbox for a budget.
Anywho, it worked out pretty well for me 'because magic was literal, and 'forget the costs' counted as extremely desperate in my books! Believe me, I know the rules on it, I wrote most of 'em.
I nodded at him, and walked out of the office, earning awed looks from almost every cubicle donut around- I was pretty sure they knew what the deal was and evidently my complete lack of care at the sheer 'difficulty' of the task at hand made them all relax!
I quickly ignored and rejected all the requests to help me on my end, and walked into the elevator.
Still, a zombie cast of twenty people? Piece of cake. Pisces cake? Eh. I've done better than that.
I idly took in the piece of paper from earlier and watched as it slowly shifted to an image. The fading gravestones that appeared on it were a sign that the magic required was already filling it up. That the first step's completion had been accepted.
The picture would transform once again, turning more complete with every iteration, when the second and third steps followed.
Now, I just needed to find some people who didn't believe that death got one out of debt and three pints of sugar and the zombie cast is a go!
The hardest part of that was probably the sugar.
With that in mind, I opened up my phone and found a subforum for toxic people. The devil didn't like the good ones, unfortunately. Quickly typing up a rant that was sure to get me some bad press, and just enough fuel for the zombie cast to be a temporary one.
Fifteen minutes of tapping later, I quickly found myself with only one step left!
Well, one step if you didn't count the graveyard I still had to find.
