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Does The Demon King Come With A Paycheck? Chapter 0

🕑 Added 2024-11-11 10:36:46 +0000 UTC

Comments

Zerak

Yup, flows much better. Read up to the sand on the beach part, and it flows a lot better. Before I was confused in why he was feeling the sand in his feet (didn’t realise it was a pool so apart from shorts or a speedo he is naked). With a better picture in min, man falling on the sand mostly naked must have sucked (the sand everywhere).

N.A.H (Ice Archer)

like that?

Zerak

Nope, could refer to a pool of water at the bottom of the ravine he is jumping off of. I would recommend editing the first peerage to indicate he is on a diving platform. “ I stared down into the abyss below with shaking hands and trembling legs. I could feel the wave of encroaching fear” Maybe around add a few words describing how the fear increases with every step he took towards the diving platform. Or describe how he did not want to walk back down to ladder and wanted to face his fear. I think the key isn’t focusing on just the pool, but the platform. If you want the people reading to picture the event accurately not in the abstract, you want to describe it in a way that is clear where he is as it’s the first sentence so no context clues.

N.A.H (Ice Archer)

'The world above faded away, and all I could hear was the roaring sound of my own heartbeat as I dove down towards the pool.' Does that edit help it more?

Zerak

Should probably clear that up. Explain that he is at a pool. Between the vagueness and his self reflection/pity it came off as him jumping off a cliff to his death (I even went back to reread it after I finished the chapter). It being a pool did not even occur to me.

N.A.H (Ice Archer)

He was jumping into a pool. Does it not come across that way lol? The people watching were just swimmers seeing him jump from the highest part.

Zerak

Nice chapter, well apart from the part before he woke up in the island. Thats just confusing. Wasn’t sure if he was following some type of instructions, if it’s something from the future, or if he was committing suicide. I really hope it’s not the last one.


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