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Celebration of Identity: Be Yourself
🕑 Added 2020-09-28 14:39:48 +0000 UTCHoo boy, the world truly is trying to conspire against me with this essay, Karma doesn't want me to publish it. If you're unaware of what I've talked about on my blog, hi! As of me writing this, I have been at my sister's place because she had surgery, and it just coincided with some sort of truck tearing riiiiight through the Internet cable lines and leaving us stuck on mobile Internet. So, my apologies if I'm more scattered than usual.
But you know, that's fine. Not everything has to be a carefully arranged, neatly planned, meticulous analysis. Sometimes, it's okay to simply chill, share about what's going on, push a more Human tone, rather than sticking to the academic. Being yourself, you know? Like the topic of this Essay?
And with that astonishing segue, it begins. Today, I want to talk about, well. Being you. Shamelessly being you, stopping holding oneself back. The struggles people go regarding their way of being, how we do things to please others more than we do them to please ourselves... This may not be an Universal experience, but it's something I've seen enough times, and have experienced myself enough, that I want to touch on it, talk a bit, encourage people a bit.
Of course, there's more to identity than just being, there's where you live and the laws there, the community you're surrounded by, gender, race, class... A lot of things shape our lives, and some of them are inescapable and can inherently be dangerous to us. I will touch briefly upon these, but not as a primary focus of the Essay.
So, let's get on with it already, shall we?
Preamble
One of my old, very good friends, is not in the best situation. I won't go into detail, but needless to say, she has been held back for a long, long time, to the point where it's become instinctive for her to simply accept things as they come, never push for little things that could make her life better, never ask or request anything in the slightest. In fact, she's at the point where pushing for it makes her feel selfish and rude, despite the fact she's never out of line, never demanding.
It's not just her either, of course, but she was the person that brought this to my attention. Another friend of mine, for example, is worried about expressing herself, because her tastes, her likes, don't align with the 'standard of goodness' she's learned to appreciate, she feels as though she's failing her community and justifying the criticisms and blame from assholes outside of it, merely by being herself.
And it goes well beyond, experiences, tales, in this interwoven community that is the Internet, I have bumped into a lot of people who, as a defense mechanism, lock down and accept it. Accept abuse from others because they feel there's no point in fighting back, to the point of normalizing it. Accept the mean words because they lack the energy to lash out against them. Accept they deserve less because it's less heartbreaking than being unable to get what they want, what they need, despite their best efforts.
I've talked about how wonderful exploration of identity is, being yourself, in the past. And that, is a bit of an unfair statement, with very little nuance. Coming from my particular situation allowing me the freedom to be myself, about my specific way of being and where I live and my family and connections, aiding me get in touch with this part of myself with little to no lashing back from others, with little actual threat or fear. And so I hope, with this talk, to encourage others to push to better themselves and break free of their constraints, while also acknowledging more firmly that some people simply don't have the privilege to do so yet. To those who're in fucked up situations, I wish you the best. Waiting, needing to bear through this shit to come out the other end, is messed up, but I promise there's hope for you. You shouldn't have to suffer in silence because others are bigoted and biased against you, because others refuse to understand you.
With Classpecting being a thing people come to me for, I'm often exposed to expressions of self-doubt, uncertainty about what makes them 'them', fears of falling into toxic behaviors... I appreciate people coming to me, don't consider this a callout or me saying I dislike trying to help them with this stuff, but it's just something I've become very aware of in the past, and I guess I want... To encourage people to cling onto what they are, what they like, and not simply give it up because of current circumstances and fears.
This 'preamble' has already run long enough hasn't it? Let's move on for now.
You
If you've been on the Internet in the past like. I don't know. Few years? You're certainly aware of the idea of Cringe Culture by now, and in particular, of people striving to dismantle it and just allow people to be fans of things. The cycle of thing good, thing too popular, fans bad, so suddenly liking thing is associated with being bad, rinse and repeat with so many things that came into the collective conscious of the Internet and exploded in popularity. This seems like a minor thing to comment upon, however, it paints a perfect picture of what I want to address with this essay, of the things I want to talk about.
Those who used to enjoy something but don't dare to anymore, afraid that people will judge them based on an otherwise harmless taste that's gotten a bad reputation. At best, it feels embarrassing to indulge in an interest at the risk of what others may say. At worst, people's negative feelings will turn from dislike to hatred, and look into every opportunity to harass and bash those who still have positive feelings towards a thing- Sometimes making them too scared to continue publicly enjoy it, other times making them resent the thing, in turn, and making them begin hating it in a similarly vitriolic way.
I am an autistic woman, light aspergers, sure, but it's enough alone to cause friction with my family from time to time and make them 'playfully' mock me. A few days ago, heading towards my sister's place for the aforementioned surgery, we had a lunch break from driving at a rest stop in the highway, just as it started to rain. I wanted to go to the bathroom, but I didn't want my glasses to get wet, so I covered my head with both arms and walked with my gaze downwards. It felt like such a simple and obvious thing to do, and yet when I came back, my mother was visibly... Outraged? Distressed? She called me out, if I had 'no shame', if I didn't 'find it embarrassing', that I was 'making a scene', that 'what would the people watching you think?'
That moment reminded me of this idea of Cringe Culture. On this overdue essay about the self, celebration of yourself. How standarized things are in society, to the point where something as dumb and harmless as... Covering myself from rain, seemed like I was being 'weird' and 'being a bother to others'. I didn't think about the others. I didn't want to get my glasses wet, and that was just, harmless and logical for me to do. Why would I care if anyone looking at me with my arms crossed over my head thought anything? At a rest stop particularly, I was never going to even see any of these people again in my entire life. Furthermore, why would any of them... Care about me? That I was holding my arms up over my head in the rain? I wasn't calling for help. I wasn't causing trouble. I wasn't doing anything, except something slightly... Out of the ordinary.
Ordinary. That which is common, that which we are conditioned to accept as normal, while the rest are cast away. Uncommon. Rare. Weird. Stupid.
So many problems in the world have this idea as a root, don't they? Skin tone. Nationality. Orientation. Gender. Identity. Arbitrary rules are made, where a 'norm' is established, leaving those outside of it at a disadvantage, at best, and cast away and in danger at worst. From the slight microaggressions at someone doing something 'odd', to outright bigotry and assaults on entire collectives of people for things they cannot control. Sometimes, merely being yourself can cast you away, can endanger you, because these people, who've decided what 'normal' is, choose you to not be part of it, and other you. Build resentment. Hatred, underlying.
It's irrational, a system meant to keep others in line with a certain set of experiences chosen by a very particular and rigid group of people as what is good. This 'goodness' can vary from place to place, and time to time, but even within progressive communities I have often encountered this mentality, stemming from fear. Fear, that allowing TOO much would be a detriment to the public image of a movement. Biases, personal, turned into a measure for goodness without further thought added.
Yes, the biggest offenders are people with privilege. Those in power, those who hold influence over us precisely because of this unfair and biased system. But the right way to do things isn't a change of the rules, it's a complete lack thereof. The TERF may be a feminist, but their rhetoric is tainted by personal bias and hatred directed towards trans people in the community. The acephobic activist may push for laws and rights of the queer community, but other a section of the community under their view that they simply aren't a part of it, refusing to hear their stories.
And we, ourselves, are also often culprit of this. And I'm not even talking about our own personal biases and falling into attacking other people, but rather, the restrictions we place upon ourselves. As I mentioned in the preamble. Abuse, fear, that make us shut down, that make it easier for us to keep our needs and feelings stashed away, that make us feel like a bother, for demanding the minimal. It's our acceptance of this system of Ordinarity, and just like the range from being mocked for acting odd to outright assaulted for who you are, this can go anywhere from dismissing interests of our own because we don't want to embarrass ourselves in front of others, to normalizing the idea that some parts of our own community deserve less than us, because they act different than the standard imposed upon you.
Does this outrage you as well? Doesn't it make you want to go fucking apeshit?
Because it sure as hell makes me want to.
Expression
So what are we to do? In a world that enforces the arbitrary 'ordinary' and often endangers those who aren't part of it? What CAN we do? 'Be Yourself' doesn't work all the time, not when there's so much baggage, internal and external, about such a thing.
I was lucky. A bit asocial and isolated from classmates, without much of a relationship with my family, I admit a lot of my formative friendships and interests came from the Internet and were almost exclusively painted as positive by the community I surrounded myself with. It wasn't until I had a settled social circle and a deeper understanding of who I was, what I wanted, that I started to experience negativity in regards to these things. I never had world-shattering doubt cast upon me, I was never othered by people I looked up to or liked. And so, I am myself. I speak my mind, I like what I like, regardless of what others say. I do what I think is good, despite others thinking it's odd or weird. And as I began to open up more, Online, I began to notice something.
I... Drew people in. All I did was be me. All I did was speak up against unfair stuff going on in my close circles. And people were drawn. People who didn't mesh with my point of view, apologized for the more vitriolic people I argued with. People who related to me, thanked me, for... Existing, I guess. For simply Being There and proving that not everything was the norm insulting them as well, that other people also shared the same point of view!
Granted, this is coming right back to Fandom Stuff, and not the Bigger Issues about the self. This is about me, as someone speaking out against negativity, hatred and vitriol in the Homestuck Fandom. But you know what? For every anon hate I responded to, lashed back against, defended myself against, I got another good chunk of people, who'd gotten flack for the same, who had become scared of expressing themselves, doubted that which they enjoyed, thanking me for speaking up.
Action.
Some people aren't so lucky. Some people need more time. Therapy. Friends to help them. A new situation in which they can safely be themselves. But I am lucky enough that I can speak up in my community, my circles, and lash back against senseless negative, discourse... I do it for myself. I do it stating my own likes and beliefs. And if in the process, I can reach to others currentl in doubt, that alone justifies anything bad I may experience in the process.
More vulnerable people put themselves at risk by being themselves. It happens all the time, and it's not like they don't fight for being themselves, or that they shouldn't, either. But if those with a bit more luck also speak up, to show those fearful, doubtful, that they're not alone, and we're in this together, they may be reassured to not give up on themselves, and keep going. And isn't that worth it?
This essay started in my mind as something quite different. When it comes to the Self, to Yourself, Expression and Identity, there's... So much to account for, there's so much malleability. I thought of making it more cheerful and in high spirits, but also I feared some people would be unable to relate to something that comes easily to me. That I wasn't looking deep enough.
From your gender and orientation, to the things you like. Your unique quirks, whether it be minor things you like or hyperfixations. You are unique, you are so much more than what others expect you to be. And that is wonderful. Of course we all struggle with negative behaviors, with bad things we don't like about ourselves as well. But that's why we strive to be the most positive version of ourselves we possibly can, that is the true 'kernel' of who we are, that which makes us happy, without making others unhappy.
The Internet is a wonderful tool for this sort of self-expression. With a degree of anonimity, with a wide and vast reach to find other people who share similar experiences, ways of being, finding your community, your circle, people with whom you can share who you are and what you want, is an important step into bettering yourself, into self-expression.
I don't provide any guidelines. I don't give any concrete ways of making this happen. And in a way, this too may be a crux of my analysis, a problem with my own privilege, an assumption of 'simply doing it'. But I do suggest, to those restricted and restrained, to look into their community, to find those who share their way of being, to use this anonymous mask to build confidence in who they are, a safe space to not let the negative take a hold of them. And to those who are more comfortable with themselves already, don't simply take it for ranted. Speak out against the negative and the bad. Let people in your community know you're there, that it's not all bad pushing others down and away.
Enjoy the things you do! Do the things you want to. So long as you're not harming others in the process, there's no reason for people to shut you down, and you deserve to stand your ground, and ignore those who try to tell you you're doing something wrong. And for those unable to do so due to their circumstances? Don't simply give up. It's easy to lock down. To give them a point, to rationalize and normalize it in your mind. It's so much easier to give up. Don't give them that satisfaction. Cling to your ideals, your way of being. Pursue safe ways to do it, pursue a community that could help you were things to become unsustainable.
We have to be there for each other and not take things for granted, and we have to look inside of ourselves, and wonder about how to better ourselves, how to be happier. Think, if you have ever not done something you wanted out of some arbitrary sense of it being 'weird' and 'different'.
And I want to be clear, I am not equating bigotry, racial issues, violence, with something like cringe culture or fandom drama. That is not my intent here, in the slightest. But for every facet of someone's identity, there's always detractors and people lashing back in various ways.
And at both levels, it is up to us not to shut up. Not to give them the 'satisfaction' of 'being right'. Of defending those afraid to speak up for themselves. Reach out to your community, reach out to the people facing oppression. From the Micro to the Macro.
The world is fucked up enough as is.
Let's never back down, at any level, and push back against it.
Let's stick together, and make everything better, alongside each other, for everyone.
Be kind, be fair, to yourselves, and to others.
Identity is the celebration of yourself, of who you are. Do not be ashamed of your quirks and your way of being, be happy for the little victories on the road to a better you.
And always lend a hand to those unable to celebrate openly, or doubtful about themselves.
We'll make it through, together, okay?
I've rambled long enough here though. I said it earlier didn't I? Scattered. I've had a... Lot on my mind lately to say the least. I hope everyone is okay, and, I hope even a single person out there that has gotten this far, can at least smile a bit, and have the slightest of reassurances, that we will be able to be ourselves in the future, and that we won't back down until that better tomorrow is here.
So for now, thanks for reading.
And see you next time!
