LettsReact
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A Letter for you all from Montana
🕑 Added 2022-08-23 14:35:34 +0000 UTCI know you guys typically hear from Kenny, but due to some life updates (all good), I wanted to sit down and write something to get my thoughts on paper so I can fully express something that I feel like I need to share.
I talk a lot about mental health in general and why it’s important to me, but wanted to give a little more context now that I’m in a better headspace and feel like I can talk about it more clearly after being on the other side of it.
The earliest I can remember actually exhibiting disordered behavior was 9, but the feelings that caused those behaviors have existed since before I can remember. I started therapy in high school, and was officially diagnosed and medicated my junior year. My anxiety was primarily academic and performance based, and as college got more and more difficult and I had to change majors, I spiraled. Career planning began, and things continued to go downhill. Then the pandemic hit and my anxiety got even worse, to the point where I was hospitalized. I was prescribed new medication that made it more manageable, but by no means a long term solution.
I went back to New York to finish my senior year, and the Covid restrictions at my school became the primary way my anxiety disorder manifested. This in conjunction with the food situation at our school and my inability to eat made it so that we ultimately decided to go remote and make the move to charlotte. This was largely possible for me because of channel, and beyond that the positive energy and interactions I got to have by watching these shows with you was a consistent bright light as I finished my thesis and wrapped up my higher education.
In February of that year my dad passed suddenly, and I presented my thesis 2 months later. Once school was over, I thought my anxiety would significantly lessen since it was typically academic, but it pretty much only increased the types of anxiety and variety of symptoms I was experiencing. I was diagnosed with PTSD and started an intensive out patient program and several medications.
As is frequently the case in mental health treatment, things had to get worse before they could get better. Around this time period I was unable to work (or really do anything) so we had to miss premiers because we just didn’t have anything to post. My mental health improved, but the side effects of the medication were horrible for my appetite and I lost a lot of weight. I could barely eat, and started feeling physical effects of malnourishment like blacking out, constant headaches, and nausea. I got an endoscopy but they didn’t find anything, so we kept exploring other options.
Eventually my doctors found the right medication combos and dosages, and in may I had my first month with almost no symptoms. This has continued for the past few months and I’m feeling better than I ever have before. I really feel like I’ve turned the corner, and I couldn’t be happier.
As much as I believe in normalizing discussions surrounding mental health, I feel like people don’t want to talk about the actual reality of what it’s like to live with mental illness because it’s still an uncomfortable topic. I’m not sharing this so people feel bad for me or anything. It’s just important to me that you know (if you care or are interested lol) where I was in my life mentally and health wise.
I graduated therapy the other day (meaning we’re gradually slowing down the frequency and transitioning to general check ins for maintenance), and we discussed what ultimately made the difference in where I was just a year ago versus now. We came to the conclusion that I had been experiencing burnout, and the privilege of me being able to exist in a stress free environment where I feel secure and safe and can prioritize working on my mental health was what ultimately made all the difference for me. And none of those things would be possible without you guys. The flexibility this job allows is the only reason I was able to get into the hospital programs and go to the doctors appointments that literally made a life changing difference in my life. The channel is how I was able to move out of school when it became detrimental to my well-being, pay for medication and therapy, be able to raise and train a dog to help with my mental health, and on the whole just have the opportunity and resources to get the help I’ve needed my entire life.
The way I’m existing now is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My outlook is completely different and I can see visible tangible differences in who I am as a person (in all the best ways). I’ve always tried to express how appreciative I am, but I feel like without knowing how much you have given me, you can’t possibly understand why thank you will never EVER be enough to express how grateful I am.
Love,
Montana
Comments
Seth
Good for you Montana we’re so proud of you! I’m glad we bring you as much joy as you and Kenny bring us with your videos.
Bysc00t
I'm so proud of You Montana!! I'm happy to see that you are doing better now and I will be rooting for you and the future of this channel and Kenny!!!
Caitlyn Jones
I am so proud of you Montana and I hope you continue to improve!!! We all love you and appreciate everything you do ❤️
MeggieHammie
Montana, I am so glad that you have reached a point in your journey where you are feeling like you can be the best version of yourself. You and Kenny's videos are always a highlight of my days, and ever since Kenny hinted in a few videos that you were struggling I have been silently rooting for you. I know you obviously have no idea who I am besides a random stranger on the internet lol but I wanted to share how, for me at least, the support has been far from one-sided. Ever since I found this channel while browsing YouTube, you actually reminded me of myself in a lot of ways. I'm a psychology student in university and have struggled with mental disorders that have more or less controlled my life since I was around 8 years old, and I am now 25. While I was watching one of your videos the other day, my boyfriend even commented that you and I look extremely similar appearance-wise and now I can't unsee it lol. Honestly, in some ways, I see you as the sister I've never had. The psychological perspectives that you offer in your videos are always so interesting to me, and your answers to post-episode questions are super insightful to hear. I can promise you that you bring just as much light into people's lives as our support has brought to you as well. I hope that you continue to thrive as you make new discoveries about just how strong and amazing you can be now that your wings are no longer clipped. Keep soaring high! -insert bird motif here-
MeggieHammie
Yes, Ensure Plus is amazing! I struggle with food greatly and that drink is no doubt how I've kept myself from going back into a hospital. I will say that due to my personal taste aversions I only drink the strawberry flavor, but can attest that it is delicious! Montana, if you ever find yourself struggling with eating again I hope this information helps you.
Briar
I can totally understand! The struggles of mental health can be life alerting. Recently I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ADHD, and while i am now in the processes of finding the right medication and i get relate to how it truly affects every aspect of your life. I'm going through a mutual and life shattering break up, which is causing me to move back in with a close friend of mine. I'm hoping i can finally attention community collage and start a career as a Streamer; which is something ive always wanted to do due to the flexibility and nature of the job. I am glad to hear you are doing better, and i just want you to know that im very happy you got to such a good place.
Harley Taylor
As a fellow person who has experienced extreme burnout, serious depression and high anxiety. And sprinkle in a few other chronic invisible illnesses which led me down the path of extreme malnutrition one of the things that helped me the most was a drink called Ensure Plus in the dark chocolate flavor, they are at most grocery stores or drug stores (i.e. CVS etc.). It has extra protein, a huge amount of the needed vitamins and minerals for your body to function. And best of all it's like drinking chocolate milk, it's not thin or grainy or sickly sweet. When I was at my worst I drank two of them a day and I know I managed the avoid being hospitalized because of that stuff. For reference I have gastroparesis (stomach paralysis) so I have to be extremely careful about what I consume. So it should be fine for you as well. I'm so happy your doing better, and the fact you put in the work to get better makes me so incredibly proud of you. Medication and therapy are absolutely amazing and I'm so happy you found a combo of both that have helped so much.
ryan davis
Thankyou for opening up that part of yourself to us. It sounds like you've really been working hard and are seeing results! Definitely noticed you and Kenny joking around a lot more in your videos (absolutely love it by the way). You're kicking butt and yes, you feeling in a better place is amazing, but its all the work you're put in to your foundation thats really reassuring. Exciting times!!
ryan davis
I am so happy and honoured that you shared that with us all. Obviously we are not entitled to any information, but the fact you are in a place where you are comfortable sharing that about yourself to us, just says so much.
jamurano
Thank you so much for being open. I’ve loved your guy’s reactions since Avatar on TikTok. You guys have helped me through a tough few years where I was at my personal lowest. I had a mental breakdown while trying to finish school (graduated this last spring) and being able to have your weekly videos to look forward to or even being able to rewatch them truly helped me through my anxiety and stress. We all love you and Kenny so much and love it even more that this channel has also helped you and that you enjoy doing the reactions. We appreciate you both creating such a safe space when we need a wholesome moment to our day. ♥️♥️
fr0st
Thanks for sharing, Montana. Definitely agree that mental health stigmatization needs to end and it's always amazing when someone is honest about their mental health struggles. Wonderful to hear that you're in a good place now I think it's important to also share that as a person suffering from chronic depression, one of the things that kept me going during the pandemic was looking forward to the laughter and light you and Kenny bring to all of us through your reactions.
K. Unknown
it's really good to hear how much reacting to stuff has helped you out. i won't go into details and no one wants them (even if you think you do, i promise you that you are wrong) but i'm glad that in some ways that was not just one-directional. you two's reactions have been something that brought me a ton of happiness at a very complicated part of a very complicated life and in all honesty your content has contributed meaningfully to me still being alive. not that it's the only thing contributing meaningfully to that or that i would just disintegrate if it wasn't there, but it's on the list of reasons to get up in the morning and every bit counts. so it makes me really really happy that this was also helping your mental health as well
Cody Simpson
Thank you for what you guys do because it’s definitely not a one way street of support. I often feel depressed and alone and just the idea of being able to “watch” these shows a couple times a week with you guys like we’re all doing it together and talking about it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being there!
Amelia
Thank you for sharing! To know that we were able to help at all in your mental healing is amazing and fills me with so much happiness! I’m so happy to hear about your journey and where you are now! I will continue to root for you and support you. ❤️ you are such an amazing and strong person.
Jenny D
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I’ve also been dealing with anxiety for as long as I can remember (I was always a “what if” kid) and depression since middle school. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 15 and I was put on my first antidepressant when I was 17. I didn’t realize it until I switched to a different med 5 years later, but it caused my appetite to go way up and by the time I first switched meds I was at the heaviest I’ve ever been. The second med I tried for a few months, but if I ever forgot to take it for even a day I started to get really bad withdrawal symptoms. Even weening off of that one gave me a week of dizziness/brain zaps for a week and I was in my final year of college. The therapist I was seeing in college recommended Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which I ended up starting after graduating and trying a pretty easy 40 hour a week mailroom job that I had to quit because my anxiety got so bad after just 3 months. It took about a year and a half for me to graduate from DBT, though I still have monthly appointments with my individual therapist from the program. It helped me a lot with nuanced thinking and emotional regulation. However, there were a lot of things it wasn’t able to help me with, like struggles with daily living and time management, because I had been misdiagnosed. First it was Bordline PD when I was admitted into the DBT program. A few months later I saw a list of Aspergers traits in girls/women and I realized about 80% of them applied to me. I did psychological testing (MMPI and another checklist type that I can’t remember the name of) but I was instead diagnosed with Schizoid PD and a Nonverbal Learning Disability. Then Schizoid was changed to Avoidant PD. Finally a few years later I was able to get tested at a clinic that specializes in autism, using a screening tool specifically for diagnosing ASD, and was officially diagnosed. I hope I didn’t overshare too much (it’s one of the ASD traits I have) but I agree that mental health struggles aren’t talked about nearly enough, and they’re so varied and many are misunderstood, so I wanted to share mine as well. I think it’s so cool that you and Kenny get to make a living doing something as fun as this, and I can only hope I get to do something similar one day!
Ryne C. Snyder
I won't go into all of the details because I don't want this comment to be a massive trauma dump. But I've also been diagnosed with PTSD, and that has come with a tremendous amount of anxiety and panic attacks over the years. I relate a lot to the experiences Montana has shared, and I'm terribly sorry she's had to go through such difficult times. But if she reads this, I want her to truly know that she's never alone. For all we as a community may have done to help her, she has truly done a great deal in return as well, and that goes for Kenny as well. Your approach to watching these shows, and the level of thought you put into your analysis is genuinely so comforting, and it's eased me through many periods of great anxiety and depression. I love hearing both of your thoughts on things and seeing how those thoughts develop over time, and seeing the genuine bond you two share is so soothing and meaningful. I appreciate both of you so much, and I hope Montana's mental health continues to improve. It sounds like she's got a great team working with her right now, and that's wonderful news. Losing a parent can be extremely difficult, I know that from experience. I'm sorry for Montana's loss, and I'm wishing both of you all the best in the world <3
Kevin Morrison
Montana I really appreciate you saying all this. Reading this made me cry cause I also suffer from mental health issues and this channel has greatly helped with that. Watching you two react to some of my favorite shows has always and will always bring a smile to my face. To see that the people that bring me joy are also dealing with some stuff and that we are bringing you happiness as well means so much to me. I really hope you guys continue this channel and I cant wait to see what you guys do next. I will always be a fan of you two. ❤️
Tom Johnson
Montana thank you so much for sharing, the fact that we played such a big part in your journey to mental health is touching thank you for your honesty, you and Kenny’s presence in my life, however small is something that I’m very grateful for ☺️
JennatheBreadQueen
this makes me so, so happy to read. montana, i’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much. i’m relieved and happy to have been a part of something that has helped you work through everything. and i hope you and kenny both know how much this space you’ve created means to so many of us. from the open/honest conversations about mental health to the community simping, it feels like i’m watching and discussing these shows with my friends. all of this to say: montana, i hope you know you’ve helped us as much as we’ve helped you. i know i’m not the only one who feels very grateful to you both
emelsi
I hope you both understand how amazingly helpful for mental health enjoying all this stuff with you both has been during the last 30 months of isolation. A lot of us miss our friends and family, and with you guys it feels like sitting down to watch our favorite shows with a couple of friends. Parasocial relationships like people have with content creators (particularly twitch streamers) can go into weird places so it's refreshing to know how thoughtful you both are about sharing your experiences with all of us. There might be a German word for the antonym of schadenfreude, for the joy in seeing another's good fortune and joy, and I feel that for you both. Will never forget your multiple meltdowns during Princess Prom.
kai
thank you for sharing! i’ve been watching since korra but only recently got to join the patreon and i’m so glad i did! i love the discussion and analysis in your videos, and i always look forward to watching them. i’ve had my own struggles with mental health throughout my life too, i love that your channel feels like a safe space to enjoy shows and the important themes and meanings they have :)
Haorii
Thank you for sharing your personal story and thoughts with us, Montana. I believe that you can help other people with similar stories to stay strong and keep going on. I don‘t regret supporting both of you here. You are beautiful and nice people. Thank you :)
Darby
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Montana. Your strength astound me and I am so happy you have felt a positive impact from us. Not to be too sappy but I struggle a lot with anxiety as well and your videos have always grounded me and given me a safe space. I usually wake up nauseous from anxiety and watching your videos in the mornings always calms me down. Your openness towards mental health inspires me so much and brings so much comfort to your viewers. You help us as well, a lot more than you realize.
Pumpkin
Very proud of you. Thank you for showing us that there's always a light on the other side, that we can all find peace and happiness. - 🎃
Phoenixfire2020
Patreon is a chosen community. We are all here to lift each other up. I'm glad to hear that we have had such a positive impact on you.
Valentina M
Thank you for your words 🥰
IzzyB33
Thank you so much for sharing this Montana and it is so good to know your journey has led you to a more positive and healthier existence. I’m glad we were all able to support you, and continue to support you.
SixAverage
❤️❤️❤️
Chelly
This makes me really happy, it’s great that you’re in a better place now Montana. Everything you do in regards to Letts React is awesome, not just for entertainment but also for spreading genuine awareness about mental health. You and Kenny have done a great thing with this channel, and I know you’ll continue to do great things. Looking forward to whatever’s to come 💜
castle215
I am so happy to hear that you are doing better, Montana, and thank you so much for sharing. I have friends who have been through similar experiences, they are so common yet never talked about, thank you for opening up.
Geneva
I'm so glad your doing better, and your not alone, the day after I finished my thesis I kept having panic attacks. It was bc I was so focused on grad school and thesis that I was holding everything all my other emotions down. They don't talk about the stress of grad school enough other than in a joking haha grad students are overworked way. Thank you for sharing your experience
Michael Sciortino
As someone who also sufferers from anxiety a lot this post means a lot. I am so glad you are feeling better. you a re a wonderful person and I'm always happy to see you up on my screen. <3
jolly
thank you for opening up montana! we love you!
mindlessbananas
It really melted my entire being in one instant to read that you not only reached a much better, happier, and livable existence in May, but that you’ve been able to maintain that happiness and livelihood over the past months. It’s so so important to be able to take care of your mental health, and I know not everybody has the same resources, but I’m so happy and so grateful you’ve been able to gather and utilize yours in the ways you have. You are so worthy of this happiness, of your following, and everything you’ve achieved, and we as your audience are just as grateful for the result. Thank you for everything you’ve given, through all of your struggle, and for being so transparent with us when you had absolutely no obligation to be. Thank you for being you, Montana 💗
Dfd
I’m amazed how you can share and tell us about this, I’ve been struggling with depression for a long time and it’s always been very hard for me to open up to people.
Leighton Williams
I'm not crying, you're crying 😭 I'm so happy that you're in a better place now and that things are continuing to improve. I know all too well how difficult anxiety and other mental health struggles can be. Lett's React wouldn't be the same without you and I'm glad the channel is able to help you the same way I'm sure you're helping many of us. Keep taking care of yourself, and thank you for being amazing! ❤
Lars
We’re so happy for you and all the positivity this has been able to bring you. It goes both ways, and we’re excited to be able to support you going forward with all of this
Arnold Kim
Thank you for sharing, Montana. I have my own difficulties with anxiety and other issues (primarily my OCD) and the pandemic has definitely made it difficult to manage at times. It’s important that we have these discussions openly and find a space where we feel free to share these issues. Otherwise these things can really spiral out of control. I am glad that you are able to find some help and get in a much healthier head space. Take the time to make you and your health a priority, us patrons will be here waiting.😁
Bignium
Thanks for share this with us. Im happy that you be good now, I sent you love and happines for you and Kenny and that you still being good for ever (therapy speaking)
sand_fl
ok, i'm at work now and there's no one in the gym yet so i have a few minutes. it really makes me happy to see how far you've come. i've also dealt with mental health problems since i was like 8 and i've tried many different psychologists but only one of them really helped and sadly i had to move to another city and i haven't find the right one for me here. i've been following you since the beginning of korra but i'm on patreon every now and then, when i can spare money, which is a bit tight. but i'm happy to see the channel and specially the patreon have made such a difference for you. i really hope you two keep having this success in here and you can keep taking care of yourself. i remember a bit more than a year ago i was going through a bit of a rough patch and watching you two, plus my other favourite reaction channel, plus your lives on youtube also helped me a lot, so i hope you know you two also help people with your videos and your personalities. i need to leave now because in 10 i need to open the football field and if i'm late the kids that have to train will get mad 🤣 it was great hearing from you. much love ❤️
Suplee215
Thanks for sharing. This channel helped keep with my own stjff (started therapy this year and on anxiety meds now) and your openness about it helped
Swanzy
So happy that you are healing and finally are in a really good place 😊 We are always here to support you guys for anything or even an open ear to be listened to or vent ❤️ You guys spread joy to others so you deserve the love too x Thank you for sharing something so important to you x
Emma C
Making me cry on a Tuesday afternoon 🥲 I'm so happy for your progress and I'm so in awe of your strength to work through your difficulties.
gen
Thank you for sharing 💕 I subscribed to the channel at the peak of the pandemic in 2020/2021 and from the very start, your conversations about mental health throughout the episodes helped me understand characters in such a real way that it ultimately helped me understand my own struggles and how to improve. Thank you and this community will also not be enough. we are always here for you and i can’t wait to see what your channel and futures have in store for you 💕
derick thomas
❤️
Marcelo
Glad your doing better and that you felt comfortable enough to share this. Praying for your continued recovery
MrBulldog714
Thank you for this open and honest letter. I'm sure we all appreciate it! Love you guys 😍
Kfir shaltiel
It mean a lot to hear that you’re in a better place, thank you so much for sharing Montana
Noe John Badiango
I'm glad to hear that your ok now i always enjoy your vid and how both of you discuss the show more power to the both of you i'm far away with my family your channel is one of giving me happiness i'm Always excited when thier is new episode i'm sorry if my grammar is wrong english is not my first language..thank you for the both of you From the philippine...
Andrew Pickett
Thank you for sharing Montana, so happy to hear the good news. All the blessings and healing in your future
panko6
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Glad to hear you’re doing better and I hope that things may continue to improve
Jenoze Wyvern
I'm so glad that I become one of patreons for this channel. Both you and Kenny are so wonderful and very comfortable to watch, as I rewatch again and again,lol. I like the way you refer to scientific terms, calculus terms, as they are my favorite subjects too. I like the way you care for fictional characters wish I felt so good for how much empathy you are. I hope you two will keep this up and happy about the channel at the same time. Thank you for such a great time watching you two. Bye~
Ashley Garcia
I just woke up and I’m gonna cry. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with us! You and Kenny are awesome and I love the channel so much! Keep fighting girlie💕
brosenthalUO
All I have to add is my love and support for you. Everyone else has already said everything I could say ❤️💜💙
Rakurai
Thankyou so much for sharing your story, and congrats for graduating out of therapy!
Russell Gambardella
Really happy you’re doing better and can definitely empathize; unless experienced first hand or with someone close to you, it’s hard to really fathom how debilitating mental health issues can be. Glad you shared your story and the support will only continue from this great community ❤️
Selim
sounds like a tough but necessary road u had to take. am neuroatypical myself, having adhd, it’s not always easy to talk about and i hid my mental health problems for a long time from my friends and most of my family. was in therapy many years and can now say, i am able to manage on my own. these experiences shaped me as i’m sure yours shaped you into the person i am/ you are today. wish you all the best and hopefully it only gets better. have a nice day and keep fighting. - after every hardship comes ease.
Reese Sawyer
I’m so glad you shared this with us just know you and Kenny were also a bright light for me and when ever I got to watch a video from you guys it brought me pure joy even in the darkest moments thank you
Christian Santiago
This was beautifully written. It is really cool that you’re able to speak about it and I’m glad that you are better now. Wish you the best 🏮🏮
sand_fl
can't read now because i'm on my way to work, but really good to hear from you monatana, hope everything's good i'm sad to report that the plant you named cabbage in a live streaming a while ago died recently because we're going through heat waves. would love to hear which kind of plants can survive hight temperatures besides suculents. anyway, have to go now, hope you two have a great day 🥰
Marlon Torres
Much appreciated. Thank you for sharing this with us. The talks about mental health should be more normalized and I'm glad in a way our support has helped you get better 🥺
Jenna
Loved reading this, take care ❤️
Soph
Support all the way! Thanks for sharing
Jamie
so glad you’re doing so much better. You deserve nothing but the best and so much more. 🤍
KD
Appreciate the context and so happy you’re doing better now Montana!
pineapplegreg
Love you Montana! So glad you’re doing better 🫶🏽
Armaan Walli
This warms my heart
