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Today we divorced
🕑 Added 2024-04-30 14:54:27 +0000 UTCToday is Lina's and my 9th anniversary...
Today we have officially separated as a couple. We had a brief ceremony, annulling our vows verbally, before tossing my wedding ring and her wedding pendant into the fountain where we originally said our wedding vows 9 years ago.
Before that, I spent the morning blubbering like a lost child. đ
It's gonna be a harder day than I thought. But this is why I wanted to make a thing of it. We so desperately need the closure.
We've known each other almost 11 years, married for 9 of it. About 8 of it have just been hardship; The struggles came fast and hard when my dad lost his house- the one we were living in at the time. Eviction. Then our next landlord retired a couple years after we moved into our first real place, and sold his property. Again, eviction. Trump. Lina quitting work because of ptsd. My eczema hell. Covid. Lina's and my feedback loop of mental decline. Trying to get her welfare approved. All while struggling to run 3 independent businesses while PayPal and MasterCard are trying to destroy the industries I work in. The uncertainty of a.i. tech. Strong and stable people have killed themselves for 1/10th the shit we've managed to live through. All the while both dealing with health issues and absolutely barren poverty.
Lina wanted to go in 2020 and she stayed with me when I couldn't budge an inch without screaming in pain.
Couples therapy can only do so much. We as people have been so utterly ravaged and devastated as individuals. Even the two best friends who are a one in 10million match in that regard, can't heal and move forward when live is constantly making new wounds. Lina has often changed too much for me, and I haven't really changed enough for her.
We beat the national average marriage by a year.
And we're still friends after all the horseshit live has dumped onto us, all the mistakes we've made, all the fights, and all the baggage.
We were never were gonna last forever. But we took a gamble on making it work. And for better and lots and lots of worse, we did. I am proud of Lina for being my first real girlfriend, and wife. We were best friends for a decade, and I don't know if that will change over time, but I will love her till the day memories fade away and my atoms are returned to the universe.
My wife had this to say:
I appreciate your messages to me and to the group, and I've been struggling to draft a response. I want to be entirely kind and not air any of our dirty laundry, but there's a part of me that feels it's a bit disingenuous to do so as we are divorcing and all. I think it's better to explain the situation to my people in broad strokes, avoiding inflammatory language but explaining why I asked to leave.
For all of you out there, there's nothing here that I haven't said to his face, and I'm not interested in harming anyone or making anyone choose sides. Be friends with whoever you like, I don't have any malice or aggression towards Fox. Maybe a little, but more in the "I'm an animal that's been caught in a bear trap and I just don't know how to deal with the pain" kind of way? Not the kind of pain that turns into lasting hatred, I'm more just stressed and sad.
Life isn't kind, nor is it cruel. It isn't gentle, nor is it brutal. It just is - and by being so, it is all of the above in turn. No one can control who they are or how the universe affects them, the only thing you can control is how you react to it.
For the most part, I think we did okay. I loved Fox with all my heart and I did my best to make his dreams come true. I don't always feel like he did the same, but I will always remember the times he went above and beyond for me. Those memories, now bittersweet, will stay for a lifetime.
I've loved our trips, seeing NASA and theme parks and aquariums. I've loved our talks, bonding over shared experiences and interests. I've loved the road trips and days home, keeping busy or doing nothing. I've loved sharing music and film and philosophy. But there's so much that hurts.
Most of the pain was out of our control. The evictions blindsided us, as did the changes to payment providers and platforms that made work a nightmare. We couldn't have predicted the pandemic, the shift in politics that made me feel unsafe in my own country, or his condition leaving him bedridden for that year. We couldn't have predicted that my coping mechanisms for dealing with stress would break down leaving me disabled, or that the ways I chose to heal would drive wedges between us. I can't blame him for getting sick, nor for struggling to deal with the stress.
Some of the pain could have been avoided - some of what I needed as far as lifestyle and living conditions was a nonstarter for him, and I acquiesced without thinking of how it would affect me long-term. I decided to hope for improvement instead of advocate for myself. I decided to keep my own needs on the back burner rather than speak up and risk conflict.
At the end of the day we're just different people who have grown further apart, and the timing was terrible. As the pandemic made me more fragile, it made him more cynical. As I sought to cast off the shackles of shame and really find myself, a few poorly chosen jokes put those shackles right back on. As I needed more emotional support, he was in a position to provide less. I wasn't strong enough to endure criticism or negativity from him without taking damage, and so every slight felt like I was being told I'm unworthy, even if an apology eventually was issued.
I'm sure I'll recover, and so will he. If he didn't have a good head on his shoulders, I wouldn't have befriended him, let alone married him. I still love him, but I feel so wounded and likely will for a long time. I am still grateful for the opportunities and new experiences we've shared in, but there's a lot of familiar trauma in there too. I will always be glad we had a relationship where we could talk about anything, but it doesn't mean much if I didn't feel like I'd be heard.
Sometimes two lives touch and affect each other forever. I think that was the case here, and honestly I'm still trying to decide if it was a good thing. I'd like to think so.
I'm going to be moving in with my new partners starting this week - we've known each other for nearly a year now, and I've made clear my intention to stay with them forever as long as we work together well long-term. I'm not going to ask them to stay with me if I'm not good for them, and I set the expectation that I'll fight to keep them happy but I won't hurt myself in the process anymore.
I'll be very busy in the next few weeks moving everything into their apartment. I'm not asking for anyone to stay away - on her contrary, he and I both need help and support, emotional and otherwise.
All I'll ask is that you don't talk to us about what the other is doing. It's not like we're going no-contact, and we're not the kind of people to hide things from each other, even if we are going to be establishing new boundaries. I love you guys, and thank you for being patient with us as we recalibrate.
The following month will be brutal: my now ex-wife moving in with her girlfriends little by little, me trying to reorganize my business affairs, and hopefully workong on animation and other things to interest more support of Patrons.
I stand on the brink of either improving my life and my work and business, or further deviation to god knows what end. So I greatly appreciate those of you continuing to support me so I have the opportunity to salvage what's left of my life, and my artistic passions.
I will continue to submit art and updates as I can during this hard time. Thank you for your support and understanding.
I love you all,
- Fox
Comments
Fleur Dryke
I wish both of you the best and all the luck in the world. I'm certainly glad the two of you are going to stay friends, and work together after as well.
