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MALE TYPES
🕑 Added 2021-07-16 00:45:47 +0000 UTCThis is an early access Podcast, the audio version of a video I'll be making later, about types of Males, from Alpha to Omega! I'll be turning this into a vid on my main channel later on, but it's too good to keep from you guys.
Transcript:
Hey, fellow boymen malebros. It's me, logicking69 with another video about MANLY ISSUES and BOYMAN DUDEGUY analysis.
As a certified, Y-chromosome-having MALE with so much testosterone I could kill a family of elephants, I've done some deep, DEEP study into my fellow men, probing dozens, maybe even hundreds of men, just to find out what lies deep within them.
I'm talking of course, about the archytypal theory of masculinity. We've all heard of Alpha males and Beta males, and the rise of the Sigma Male, but what OTHER male types are there? Well fear not.
The ancient greeks, manly, strong, and erogenous as they were, identified twenty-four male varieties and named them after one letter in their famous alphabet. And when have the Greeks been wrong about anything?
So I, right now, in this internet video, will list every male type and their associated traits to help you, the male viewer identify which male type you are!
NOTE: WOMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THIS VIDEO. THIS VIDEO CONTAINS DUDE-RAYS AND BRO-RADIATION. I REPEAT. FEMALES STAY OUT. IF YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO YOU *WILL* BECOME MALE.
With that out of the way- Let's get this train started.
Number 1: Alpha Males
Alpha males, are of course on the top of the Male Hierarchy, a real thing that actually exists. Years of scientific studies, that I'm sure are somewhere out there, have proven that Alpha Males have certain inborn and learned traits that make it okay for them to be huge jerks to women but still get laid.
Traits of the Alpha Male include: A strong, defined jawline. A firm handshake. Leadership skills. Sumptuous, deep voices. Broad hands. Strong, yet supple pectorals that are perfect for laying your head on. Powerful arms that make you feel safe and secure. And of course: Huge, throbbing... Sorry I dropped my notes. Huge throbbing brains.
If you see an alpha male in public, make sure to press your forehead to the pavement and kiss his sneakers.
Number 2: Beta Males
We've all met a beta male in our lives. Men who just don't have the confidence of their alpha brethren. These are men who stammer and avoid eye contact, who aren't sure of themselves, who project their insecurities onto others. Think Jerry from Rick and Morty- Or Morty, from Rick and Morty.
Traits of the Beta Male include: Cowardice. Fear. Terror. Emotions. A weak jaw. Body fat. Small hands. An interest in video games, but like, only if that interest isn't serious, like if they're not a twitch streamer or like a pro or something.
If you see a Beta Male in public, you're legally allowed to slap their ass one time with no legal reprecussions.
Number 3: Gamma Males
Gamma males are one of the new male types. You've probably met THIS type of man in your office or at work. He's completely spineless yet lacks a concept of his bottom-feeding place in the world. This is due to lacking a primary feature of a Beta Male, known as a "shame gland" that makes betas appropriately miserable about their secondary place in society at all times.
Traits of the Gamma Male include: Browsing Reddit. Browsing SomethingAwful. Knowing what a "NEET" is. An arts degree. A round, horrible face. Glasses, but not cool-looking ones.
Gamma males often come from wealth, so they can bypass the usual involuntary celibacy that all betas endure by having shitloads of cash to bribe fickle women into dating them.
Number 4: Delta Males
Delta Males are newly-identified type of male who have existed for years. They synthesize the traits of the Alpha and Beta together. They often look good and have great prospects for both women and finance (the only two things that matter,) but they willingly revoke their Alpha status in favor of what is scientifically referred to as "Simping."
Delta Male traits include: Texting. Using the phrase "If I were there with you what would you do?" Offering to pay for dinner. Having a secondary twitter account to retweet porn from. Getting ignored on Tinder in spite of being hot.
Delta Males form the primary income pool for Findom women online. It's likely this Male Type was formed due to the excessive number of Alphas proliferating in colleges and frats.
Number 5: Epsilon Males
Epsilon Males are another special male-type. Instead of a normal distribution of testosterone, all of their Man-Juice went straight to their brains, making them short in stature yet towering in intellect. Think Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson.
Epsilon Male traits include: Debate. Government work. Getting angry online. Crying as a strategy. Guilt. Chemical dependency. All-meat diets. And of course, falling for cults.
Epsilon Males, while pests, contribute an important part for society: Creating the talking points we can later repeat to look smart without having to research anything at all!
Number 6: Zeta Males
Zeta Males are Beta Males with no testosterone whatsoever. Due to lacking any and all boy sauce, they are forced into a horrid, decrepit life of emulating feminine traits, the most shameful thing to do as a man.
Zeta Male traits include: Self-identifying as "femboys." Arguing online if "trap" is a slur. Watching anime marketed to women and internalizing that as a personality trait. Having anime girl avatars and profile pictures. Being pedophiles.
Zeta Males can be found online, but most of their twitters are private or they have been deleted due to TOS infractions, so researching them is hard!
Number 7: Eta Males
Imagine a butch lesbian in a man's body. That is an Eta Male. They are what are known as "wife guys." It is a well-known fact that men, deep down, despise women, and marriage for all men is terrible and a curse. Not so for Eta males!
Eta Male traits include: Not reposting hilarious "I hate my wife" memes on Facebook. Saying the phrase "I love you" outside the bedroom. Wanting a family. Loving their children. Defending their wives online, no matter how irrationally their wives are acting. Carrying groceries. Driving a mini van.
Eta Males, while largely pathetic, have the best grills and raise the hottest daughters.
Number 8: Theta Males
Go to a local Facebook libertarian group and you're sure to find a Theta Male or two. Theta Males, while possessing ambition and drive, like Alphas, completely fail to steer their lives in any meaningful manner.
Theta Male traits include: Having startups that fail repeatedly. Having long hair. Smelling strangely. Arguing about the age of consent. Blaming labor laws for the failure of their business. Using their kids as free labor. Being "self employed." Having a bandcamp page.
Theta Males will blame their personal failures on chance, but happily take all the credit when chance smiles in their favor.
Number 9: Iota Males
The term "manlet" encapsulates the Iota Male. While the Iota Male is smart, charismatic, and even as strong as his contemporaries- He will always pale in comparison to them due to being in a lower weight class.
Iota Male traits include: Saying "size doesn't matter." Lying about his height. Squeaky voices. Overcompensating. Insecurity. Knowing a martial art. Going to the gym but still being under 90 pounds.
Iota Males, tragically, will never know the joy of being taller than a woman, which of course, is one of the most important things.
Number 10: Kappa Males
Kappa Males largely exist outside of the hierarchy. They come in many forms, but their lives are defined by deriving joy from external forces. They love weed and bitcoin and probably have a favorite band that they've seen in concert more than once.
Kappa Male traits include: Using Last.fm. Going on literature or music boards. Making video essays online. Following bands on tour. Graphic tees. Arguing about decriminalizing some or all drugs. Being afraid of cops.
If you see a Kappa Male, just leave it alone. It's as scared of you as you are of it!
Number 11: Lambda Males
You know that guy who made a house full of dolphins to try to be able to talk to them? Or the guy who locked mice in a big cage and let them just fight it out? Or the person who locked baby monkeys in with fake mothers made of wire and cloth? These are all Lambda Males.
Lambda Male traits include: Being creepy. Wide eyes. Being in boy scouts. Disregarding ethics in the name of science. Causing resonance cascades. Explaining what a Dyson Sphere is. Watching Star Trek.
While off-putting and weird, Lambda males generally are the reason we have things like penicilin and condoms.
Number 12 and 13: Mu and Nu Males
Mu and Nu males are two male types that exist in tandem with one another. Unlike other male types, their testosterone distribution is uneven- They are candles who burn out quickly. Early in life, they are the hyper-virile Mu Males but in their 30s evolve into the Nu Male, a defeated, husk of a male.
Mu male traits include: Marrying their high school sweetheart and having like, ten kids. Calling waitresses "sweetie." Grabbing their male friends and doing weird horseplay.
Nu male traits include: Balding. Talking about the "good old days." Having a scrapbook of his high school football days. Having some medical issue like diabetes or ED.
Treat Mu Males well, for soon their star will dim.
Number 14: Xi Males
What's that smell? Where are you? At Comic Con? At a Super Smash Bros competitive event? You must be detecting the unique musk of the Xi Male.
Xi Males eschew traditional hierarchies in favor of hierarchies they can actually rise in: Namely, Esports, Fantasy Football, or Niche Media Interests.
Xi Male traits include: Owning an all-access pass to anime conventions. Doing live reactions to E3 trailers. Knowing the names and button inputs of super moves. Early onset arthiritis. Wheezing. Being Discord moderators.
Try not to ask Xi Males about their smell- They will engage you in an argument about why it's unhealthy to bathe daily.
Number 15: Omicron Males
Most humans, not just men, have a gland in their brains called the "common sense hemisphere." This allows them to make sane judgements and understand the world. Omicron Males lack this, causing them to lack basic comprehension while still possessing high-functioning reasoning.
Omicron Male traits include: Believing the Earth is flat. Worrying about George Soros. Subscribing to the incels reddit. Formulating opinions about the Holocaust based on theories that involve aliens. Watching the History Channel.
Do not try to dissuade Omicron Males. It's best to leave them be.
Number 16: Pi Males
Pi males have exceptional intelligence but lack traditional manly traits. They are smart and quick and rise above all other people despite being underestimated. This, in turn, makes them cruel and isolated. For some reason. Think Walter from Breaking Bad or Rick from Rick and Morty.
Pi Male traits include: Being featured on the iamverysmart subreddit. Lacking self-awareness. Idolizing Elon Musk. Saying things like "tch" or "psh" without irony. Believing they can outsmart everyone around them, but never actually doing anything beyond getting a bachelor's degree in finance.
Number 17: Rho Males
Rho Males are Alpha Males who, due to not realizing their genetic superiority, live in constant fear of their Alpha Status being revoked. They often pursue macho careers and carry firearms and have comprehensive knowledges about one or both World Wars.
Rho Male traits include: Being a cop. Taking their guns to Wal Mart. Watching the show "Cops." Having a bumper sticker featuring the Punisher. Having a fallout shelter. Bragging that they could survive in the woods indefinitely even though they live in the suburbs.
While Rho Males are loose cannons and generally dangerous, don't worry! They usually find their way to the safest jobs of all: Ones in law enforcement.
Number 18: Sigma Males
What need I say about Sigma Males that hasn't been said? They reject hierarchy in favor of... Pretending they're outside of the hierarchy, thereby legitimizing it by existing as its negation.
Sigma Male traits include: Being in High School. Sitting alone in the cafeteria. Living at home. Saying the phrase "It's not a phase, mom." Being a school shooter.
Sigma Males are possibly the rarest male type, based on exhaustive research that I can't show you right now. Ask later and maybe then you can see it. But it definitely does exist.
Number 19: Tau Males
While Tau Males are away in the military, Alpha and Sigma males fuck their wives. Instead of pursuing masculine endeavors like fucking women and intimidating other men, the Tau Male prefers the company of other guys. No homo.
Tau Male traits include: Being in the navy. Being comfortable sleeping in the same bed as other men. Being the first to get nude in public showers. Being good at long range but not close-range combat. Manscaping.
They're not gay, though. They're not. They're straight. They're just dudes who like to hang with other dudes. So a dick goes into a butt sometimes, is that so gay? Shit happens.
Number 20: Upsilon Males
This male type is aware of the extent that we live in a society. They can be found retweeting or re-sharing memes featuring the grim reaper or the joker with some hard-to-read pointy font that points out some mundane contradiction or absurdity in society.
Upsilon Male Traits include: Wearing long jackets. Laughing sinisterly. Relating to Sasuke Uchiha. Owning Joker (2020) on Blu-Ray. Having a weird hot leather couch.
While irritating and offputting, Upsilon Males provide a key service to society. Probably.
Number 21: Phi Males
Phi Males are sleek and elegant, usually slender and somewhat artistic. They have an eye for the aesthetic and live lives of solitude.
Phi Male traits include: Being artists. Having a ko-fi. Having a commission sheet that everyone retweets but no one uses to commission anything. Having a third eye. Being slippery.
Phi Males can shoot beams out of their eyes, so watch out.
Number 22: Chi Males
Chi Males are wise and learned. Like Kappa Males, they do a lot of drugs, but instead of using them to supplement mundane lives, Chi Males tap into their innate powers.
Chi Male traits include: Long beards. Wizard paintings. Being into DND. Having acid flashbacks. Slipping into other dimensions and realms. Knowing what we may not.
Chi Males shall guide us through the coming days. Be wary. Be warned.
Number 23: Psi Males
Praise be to the Psi Males. All hail their designs. Love to the Psi. Glory to the Psi. Let them lead us through temptation to salvation and beyond.
Psi Male Traits Include: Praise be to the Psi Males. Male testosterone male boy man chromosome Y X boy man manly no homo not gay male type hierarchy. Love the Psi. Live a man's life.
Go thine own way. Soon we will be upon the day of reckoning. Praise be to Psi, obey Them and be delivered.
Number 24: Omega Males
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Omega males are the only male type who CAN get pregnant.
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THIS HAS BEEN LOGICKING69 WITH ALL 24 MALE TYPES! Comment down below what male type you are! Make sure to like, subscribe, and tickle my balls! Logic man OUT.
