thehardtimes
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🕑 Added 2024-01-04 22:20:00 +0000 UTC
BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked cool 15 years ago, concerned and exasperated sources confirmed.
“When you discover such an iconic look for yourself, you need to celebrate it every day,” said Howell as he waved a steam wand over the battered cabby hat he purchased before he was able to fully grow facial hair. “You may see some ratty old hat, but years of wear and tear only speak volumes to my loyalty. And if I had to be really honest with you, the ladies love how well put-together I look with this bad boy on.”
Gabrielle Simmons, who originally complimented Howell many years ago, regrets invoking such a profound sense of confidence over the hat that she only thought looked kind of cool.
“Dennis is such a good dude, and I really felt for him when his high school sweetheart dumped him. When he showed up to a house party wearing that beige monstrosity, I told him that he didn’t look half bad,” Simmons acknowledged through the regret of hindsight. “And every time I see him now, he always gives me an affirmative nod as if to say, ‘check it out, I’ve still got the hat.’ But he’s worn it every day and everywhere ever since. The salt deposits around the outer stitching alone are unspeakably disgusting at this point. I’m wondering if I should step in and crush his spirit a bit for the benefit of us all.”
Local hat merchant Eric Lester worries not about Howell’s mental state, but rather his own bottom line.
“When you open a hat store, the whole point is to have return customers who want to regularly update their look,” lamented Lester as he whimsically meandered through his extensive showroom of fedoras, bucket hats, and beanies. “My operating costs are five figures a month, and I can’t make payroll off a single sale from 15 fucking years ago. That being said, I’d be more than glad to help him find a new piece, if he could only let go of the past.”
At press time, Howell was spotted eyeing a distressed pair of suspenders at his local thrift store.
Comments
SuperWhimsy
Affiliate link? I'm already savoring my compliment.
Jeremy _
Okay so now we need Local Hat Merchant Simulator, an *incredibly* deeply developed indie game on Steam and the Nintendo Switch store
