thehardtimes
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🕑 Added 2024-01-11 17:00:10 +0000 UTC
LANSING, Mich. — Recently married couple Wendy and Patrick Clark are facing a fourth night without any sleep whatsoever after refusing medical assistance despite constant, often terrifying hallucinations, according to concerned friends and family.
“I really can’t imagine what everybody is so worried about. We made some important vows when we got married in September, and one of them was never to go to bed angry. We’d heard about that rule from so many kind people who wanted to give us advice after we got engaged, and all we’re doing is honoring that,” said Mrs. Clark in between visions of dead family members. “And I’m sure I wouldn’t still be mad about Pat not cleaning the dishes, except I found out this morning that they can sing and dance, so I’m heading into day four of waiting for an apology fuming mad on their behalf.”
Mr. Clark claims that he can no longer remember how the argument started three days ago.
“I’ve been drinking coffee every few minutes to try and help me remember, but all that did was send me to the bathroom constantly. The giant purple duck sitting in the bathtub is my constant companion and he never criticizes the way I take out the trash,” said the newlywed who reportedly now has a 102-degree fever. “You know, Wendy suggested earlier that giant purple ducks don’t belong in bathtubs. Maybe that’s what we were arguing about? How dare she say something like that about my friend!”
Marriage counselor Mary-Jo Plinker, who spoke to the Clarks in an emergency appointment after friends became aware of the situation, is not sure what more can be done to help them.
“I’ve seen a lot in my time. Couples trying to revitalize their sex life by getting a bunk bed. A pair who were both allergic to shellfish powering through a meal because they’d heard oysters are a great aphrodisiac. All kinds of mishaps with power tools and ordinary household appliances where people’s feelings got hurt, as well as their bodies,” said Plinker. “Now, having a fight over nothing last for days, that’s not new. But I’d never heard of anyone butchering common marital advice quite this badly. If I even could be of any help to them, it won’t be until someone makes these poor idiots get some sleep.”
Plinker’s recommendation for the Clarks is sedation followed by consultation with divorce lawyers.
Article by Izzy Mauer
Comments
Ha!
Margaret L Stambaugh
Truly made me LOL. So happy you're able to continue. 🤘
