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🕑 Added 2024-01-08 17:00:08 +0000 UTC
DURHAM, N.C. — Researchers at Duke University made the startling discovery that the male brain does not fully mature until death, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.
“We were astonished: the male cerebrum and frontal cortex remain in teenagehood well into the 80s and 90s age range. Don’t be fooled by an octogenarian man — you’re still speaking with a 17-year-old, mentally-speaking,” shared Dr. Amber Matosian ahead of her TED Talk. “But at the very instance of death, boom — instant maturity. Adulthood, fully achieved. It’s like the ‘great beyond’ suddenly endows men with a self-reflection and awareness they were so desperately lacking while alive. This would explain cyclical, generational lifetimes of bad decisions, ranging from a love of violent sports, firearms, and warfare, to anger problems in general.”
The discovery has been disputed by frustrated sources, including local mechanic’s bookkeeper Gary “Big G” Sheridan.
“Sounds like a bunch of woke bullshit, if you ask me. You’re telling me I’m not a man until I’m six feet under? I read about it on my favorite blog, Freedom Truth USA, and I almost threw my iPad out the window. I’m a big boy and a grown-up, OK?!” opined Sheridan from the ER after attempting to shave off a tumor. “Men are like wine. You don’t leave me in the cupboard to turn into vinegar, you uncork me now, baby! And if I wasn’t in this hospital, you know I’d be doing a new podcast episode with my boys. You should check us out sometime. We basically talk about movies, Xbox games, and crazy news of the week, tell jokes, crush some brews. Dudes being dudes, just like in the Roman Empire days or freakin’ World War Two n’ shit.”
The discovery has redirected federal funding to the rehabilitation facility Striving For Adulthood, a Los Angeles non-profit whose charity work guides men toward maturation.
“Our facility’s mission is simple: help boys become men before they draw their final breath. Our methods are ‘state of the art’ and change every day,” shared Shauna McNeely, director of the non-profit. “At our center, we teach basic financial acumen, common decency, respect for others, soft social skills, self-awareness, and rage control. That last one is trickiest. Unfortunately we’ve had a .7% success rate, but if our visitors leave with the tiniest shred of accountability or sense of self-responsibility, we feel like we’ve done our part.”
At press time, research has unveiled a startling correlation between rapid mental deceleration and exposure to The Joe Rogan Experiment, with several male subjects reaching cognitive lows comparable to while “in utero.”
Article by Alex Vlahov.
Comments
Jesse
He's having fun, though
Jeremy _
I have satirical opinions about entire other genders too. Would you like to hear them? They are quite witty.
