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🕑 Added 2024-01-14 13:00:06 +0000 UTC
PORTLAND, Ore. — Current occupants of notorious punk house Shitshow Chateau revealed that their resident pitbull Hammer is the only inhabitant that has not bitten someone, animal control officers confirmed.
“Yeah I’m used to getting looks from the pearl clutchers on our block, but my collective owners make me look pretty damn good by comparison. Sometimes I get pissed about being adopted by crusties who resort to animal instincts when threatened, but they can’t help their nature,” said five-year-old pitbull Hammer. “I don’t mind taking the fall for them when they need to blame me for their farts or someone pisses the carpet, but getting blamed for giving the neighborhood dogs rabies is where I draw the line. They know damn well it wasn’t me.”
House resident “Psycho” Steve Flannigan acknowledged that Hammer was far and away the most well-behaved member of the collective.
“I wish I could take credit for him being such a good dog, but he just came that way. And damn did that work out because the rest of us here have all been charged with assault at least three times. That’s why the lease and our credit cards are all in Hammer’s name,” said Flannigan. “I just don’t like people getting too close to me man, I get real fucking defensive. Thankfully Hammer has stepped in to pry my jaws off of jackasses hassling me for shitting in public.
Animal control experts said that there has been a growing trend of being called to reign in out-of-control pet owners.
“There’s an old saying that says there are no bad pets, just bad pet owners. And lately we’ve noticed an increased number of individuals so out of line they basically eclipse any negative behaviors their animals may have. Hell, half the time I get a call about cats picking off birds around someone’s feeder, their owner is right there with the highest kill count,” said Harvey Wills. “It doesn’t shock me this one pitbull is more well-behaved than its owners. Pitties are actually nanny breeds by nature, so it wouldn’t shock me to see them dragging a baby away from its owners to give the baby a better living situation.”
As of press time, Hammer reported he had been bitten by one of his own punks after they both went for the same chicken leg in their neighbor’s garbage can.
Article by Ben Friedman
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Jordan
None of my crusty acquaintances survived the hand sanitizer apocalypse of '21. They went out like the wicked witch of the west. RIP.
