thehardtimes
patreon
🕑 Added 2024-01-15 15:00:12 +0000 UTC
Oh no. No, no, no. This is bad. You gotta help me!
Here’s the backstory. I told my idiot friend Carl that his overpriced Chase Bliss effects pedals are the equivalent of autotune but for the creatively challenged. That pissed him off and he replied in a very mocking (and borderline offensive) voice that “if these pedals are sooooo easy to use and always produce suuuuuch good results, then use them to make something popular.”
So I set up his Beyerdynamic M160 ribbon mic and connected it to his Chase Bliss Blooper. I removed my pants and underwear, bent over, and gave Carl the thumbs up to press record. After about 30 seconds of tummy gurgling and ab flexing, I produced a fart so heinous that Carl vomited on the spot. But don’t worry, we used a pop filter on the mic so it came out unscathed; I’m no monster.
(Note to Carl: I would throw away that pop filter.)
For good measure, I took the audio from the Blooper and ran it through the Chase Bliss Habit and the Gen Loss MKii then sprinkled on some reverb from the CXM 1978. Is Carl fucking sponsored by them, or are they a legitimate cult? No matter, Carl is in unimaginable credit card debt.
Anyways, the results. My fart was transformed into a melancholic, nostalgic warble of undulating layers and textures. It sounded cool! Of course it did, that’s what these pedals do. But the problem is that anyone else with this pedal can do the exact same thing I just did; the device does most of the “songwriting” here, not my asscheeks.
Things took a turn when I uploaded the “song” via DistroKid. Within hours, Spotify added my composition (named “Flat You Lent, 1986”) to the top of their Ambient Relaxation playlist. And I just saw that I am the most-streamed ambient artist on the platform. Fuck.
Some guy named Brian Eno keeps calling me at 3 a.m. threatening to make me “the next Laraaji” and that “we will make new Oblique Strategies together.” Should I file a restraining order? And now a company called Ambient Church is trying to book me for a gig to fart in some old church in Los Angeles. I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure you go to hell for that. Especially since he pitched bringing in a children’s choir from the inner city.
So yeah. Chase Bliss pedals have ruined my life. But things could be worse: at least they’re not making Tubescreamer and Klon clones.
Article by John Danek.
