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🕑 Added 2024-01-20 08:05:30 +0000 UTCNEW YORK — Local photographer and superhero alter-ego Peter Parker told sources close to him that he suspected he had left the stove on after his super-powered “Spider-sense” went off.
“Aw, man. This is the downside of having god-like powers,” said Parker. “Everyone thinks it’s all fun and games, but it can be really annoying, too. You see, my extra-sensory perception alerts me whenever something is wrong, whether it’s a villain about to attack me, a building that is in imminent danger of collapsing, or when I’m not sure if I took my ADHD medication in the morning. Sometimes it’ll go off like crazy when I’m standing in the shower and can’t remember if I shampooed yet or not.”
Some of those closest to Parker said they were sick of hearing his complaints.
“I keep telling him that it’s not a superpower,” said Mary Jane Watson, Parker’s long-time girlfriend. “Everyone gets that feeling sometimes. It’s just normal, human forgetfulness with a touch of paranoia. Sometimes I feel like he weaponizes it. Like when the check comes after a dinner date and he makes a big show of his ‘Spidey-sense’ telling him that he forgot his wallet. No, you didn’t, Peter. You’re just broke.”
Despite these dismissive comments, some government officials say they are wary of Parker’s ability.
“Every day, billions of people go about their lives, unaware of how much danger they’re in from metahumans like Parker,” said Colonel Nick Fury, commander of S.H.I.E.L.D. “Sure, you might not be scared of him having the nagging feeling that he left his car keys in his apartment. But what if instead of Parker, it’s Doctor Doom? And what if instead of car keys, it’s the access codes to the Latverian nuclear arsenal? Guess what? He just blew up the Eastern seaboard because he remembered to go back and grab those codes before the Avengers could stop him. And believe me, Doom has been trying to figure out how to imitate this ability. It’s only a matter of time.”
At press time, Parker was seen throwing another dead plant in the garbage after forgetting to water it for five straight weeks.
Article by Kyle Duggan
