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🕑 Added 2024-01-25 17:00:13 +0000 UTCSAN FRANCISCO — A new campaign of directly targeted Hims ads on television and streaming platforms are calling out multiple bald or sexually inadequate men by name, confirmed sources wondering why they have been singled out.
“I was catching up on ‘The Bear’ and a very beige commercial came on talking about how a lot of men have erectile dysfunction. All of a sudden it flashed a photo of me on screen and a voiceover said ‘Including this dud named Gavin who is only 32 and couldn’t get hard if his life depended on it,’” said local programmer Gavin Farmer. “It was a 90-second ad and 45 seconds of it was one of my ex-girlfriends talking about my, um, troubles in bed. Like how I couldn’t get it up, and when I did I finished way too quick and how Hims could help with that as well. What she didn’t mention is how good I am at giving backrubs.”
Hims marketing executive Lee Whitlock defended the new ads and believes they will have a positive impact on the company’s bottom line.
“We initially launched with a series of commercials with just bald men we wanted to target. Basically calling them out for wearing beanies all the time, and saying if they use our spray they might have fuller hair in a few years,” said Whitlock. “Then we ramped it up and did a nationwide survey of unsatisfied wives and girlfriends and selected 100 men at random to target. As soon as they sign up for a doctor consultation we pull the spot mentioning them, and this puts every other soft cock in America on edge because hey, they might be next. So if you’re pushing rope you better go to our website immediately before the world knows you’re the sexual equivalent of unflavored yogurt.”
Advertising historian Adrian Bellow says there is a long history of companies directly targeting customers.
“When Viagra first hit the market there was a sales boom. Then it leveled off and Pharma companies started getting creative. They would take out ads in magazines like Popular Mechanics with a series of headshots of men suffering from ED under a headline that said ‘These Guys Can’t Fuck, Their Wives Need You,’” said Bellow. “That created a second boom, and it did sort of backfire when one of the men who was outed as having a floppy noodle set multiple cars on fire in the parking lot at Viagra headquarters.”
At press time, Hims competitor Roman unveiled a new product where they will send a virile young man to have sex with your partner in front of you.
