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🕑 Added 2024-01-28 13:00:06 +0000 UTCHANSON, Mass. — Local man Ryan Cook reportedly spent his entire 40th birthday reassuring himself he’s not that old, despite calling himself geriatric 10 years prior on the same day, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I remember turning 30 and thinking, ‘Well this is it, I should prepare a will and pick out a burial plot before my brain turns to goo.’ But that’s not how it played out at all, my 30s were pretty good. My metabolism slowed a little bit and I started going to bed an hour earlier, but that’s about it,” said Cook. “Now that I’m 40 I basically feel 20 again. I’m going to skateboard more, get a crap load of tattoos, and I’m welcoming the next few decades with open arms. I’ve found myself listening to the Minor Threat song ‘Minor Threat’ on repeat for the past few weeks, I know Ian was like 19 when they wrote that, but I can relate to the ‘It’s not how old I am, it’s how old I feel’ line. It’s going to be lit once I figure out how to use Tiktok, no cap.”
Cook’s wife of 13 years Gerri Baccay was cautiously optimistic about her spouse’s new attitude.
“I’m happy that Ryan is feeling reinvigorated. He spent the last three years with a terrible case of plantar fasciitis and once that finally went away it seemed like he would pull a muscle in his back every other week,” said Baccay. “I’ll catch him staring at himself in the bathroom mirror counting the wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes. He just stares with dead eyes, like he’s looking past his reflection hoping to manifest a younger version of himself. It’s kind of scary. But then he throws on a t-shirt of some hyped new hardcore band and he pretends everything is ok. Even though he orders all those shirts online, he hasn’t been to a show in six years.”
Psychologist Thomas Monson says what Cook is experiencing is very common.
“When people turn 40 they get this sudden burst of energy like they are ready to tackle the world, but that typically only lasts three years at the most. Once a man has to think about scheduling their first prostate exam they realize how close to death they actually are,” said Dr. Monson. “But the most telling sign you’ve finally gotten old is when a neighbor is throwing a party and you call the cops on them if it goes later than 8:30 p.m., and if you don’t think it will happen to you then just wait.”
At press time, friends and family were desperately trying to convince Cook to not sign up for improv classes.
Comments
Cory Ringdahl
No no, let him sign up for improv classes. Some need to learn the hard way.
