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2024 Election Coverage
🕑 Added 2024-01-28 17:00:08 +0000 UTCWASHINGTON — President Joe Biden unveiled his new 2024 campaign slogan which promises voters he will die in office soon after being elected, DNC officials confirmed.
“Listen up Jack, I know people are saying I’m too old, that I look like a corpse that escaped the morgue, and that children scream whenever I’m on the television because they think a skeleton is coming to steal their bones, but I need your support in 2024,” said the incumbent. “When you go into the ballot box in November just know a vote for me is a vote for a guy who will die in less than a year and will be succeeded by his Vice President. If you want a change in this country then vote for me, and change is bound to happen. Heck, it’s been over 60 years since a President died in office. Let’s give it another try, America.”
Registered Democrats across the country are already resonating with the new message.
“I don’t want to see a repeat of the 2020 election. Trump and Biden are both two of the last people I want in charge. But knowing that Biden plans on dying soon after being sworn in for a second term makes him a much better candidate,” said Massachusetts resident Cara O’Malley. “I swore I wouldn’t vote for him because of how he is handling Gaza, but maybe, just maybe Vice President Harris is a better option. But I really don’t know, they never seem to let her talk. I haven’t learned anything new about her in the past four years.”
The Trump campaign is also workshopping new slogans as the former president attempts to lock up the Republican nomination.
“In 2016 people went nuts for ‘Make America Great Again,’ and we want to capture that same fire. We are workshopping slogans like ‘Let’s Bomb Mexico Off the Fucking Map,’ and ‘God Hates Democrats.’ Both are polling really well,” said Trump’s Communication Director Steven Cheung. “But we still haven’t landed on something short and sweet that scares people into voting for Trump. We need people to think they will have to pledge allegiance to the Pride flag if they don’t vote our way. I’m just spitballing here but something like ‘Trump 2024: Biden Will Turn You Gay.’”
At press time, every justice on the Supreme Court applauded President Biden’s commitment to dying in power.
