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🕑 Added 2024-02-02 17:00:11 +0000 UTCLAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local man Gregory Cross had a distinct mullet that either made him seem like the most racist person at the bar or a pansexual communist, confirmed sources sitting at the edge of their seat awaiting confirmation either way.
“It’s a coin toss,” said Caleb Garcia, a confused bar patron. “Trucker jacket, mullet, stick and poke tattoos, cowboy boots. He’s either read every book on communist theory there is and attracted to all genders or thinks any book that isn’t the Bible should be burned and routinely says the phrase ‘all lives matter.’ I’m waiting until he gets a few more drinks in his system to see what comes out of his mouth. I’m absolutely positive he is the type of person that will ask you for your pronouns or the kind that will say pronoun tags are the mark of the devil. Definitely one or the other.”
Cross seemed to receive this sort of attention frequently.
“Yeah, everyone here seems suspicious of me,” said Cross. “Happens all the time. People want to know exactly where my values lie. But I think it’s pretty clear: I go to church every Sunday, listen to NPR religiously, attend Kid Rock shows whenever possible, watch marathons of Wes Anderson movies, have Fox News on in the background, and eat avocado toast because I’m vegan for the animals. See? I think it’s easy for everyone to tell what I’m all about.”
Experts have seen this type of ambiguous fashion sense before.
“This seems to be a daily occurrence nowadays. They’ll order a Pabst Blue Ribbon then ask me if I dip and hold out a tin of Zyns,” said Jovan Mendoza, the bartender. “After a couple of drinks they’ll start going on about the second amendment and their shotgun, all while reading poetry from Sylvia Plath. This type of personality androgyny is confusing. I genuinely have no clue, but I need to know who I’m serving. It just makes my job easier.”
At press time, Cross had just inserted several coins into the jukebox, putting on Hank Williams Jr. back-to-back with They Might Be Giants, which only further confused the bar crowd.
Comments
Elliott
I feel personally called out by this article
