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🕑 Added 2024-01-31 13:00:10 +0000 UTCWRENTHAM, Mass. — Proud death metal fan parents Danica and Brandon Asheim were so excited about their five-year-old son’s first attempt at drawing a horrific image of a mutilated corpse that they hung it on their refrigerator, sources who cum blood confirmed.
“Our little Cerberus is really growing up and we’re so proud! He used to just draw boring poser shit like terrible A-frame houses, dogs, and kids playing outside all with stupid smiles on their faces. Like, even the sun would have a dumb smile!” said the proud mother. “But now he is starting to draw these vomit-inducing scenes of eviscerated dead bodies with exposed chest cavities, caved-in skulls, and blood-splattered walls. It’s so horrifically adorable!”
Cerberus’ father says it is no accident that his son’s nightmarish artistic abilities have started to develop so early.
“When my wife was pregnant I would blast Cannibal Corpse at her stomach constantly while little baby Cerberus would be in there kicking and punching like he was crowd killing some noobs,” said Mr. Asheim. “I would also spend quiet evenings at home reading out loud non-fiction books about serial killers. H. H. Holmes especially, that dude was fucking sick! I think all that pre-natal care we took is really starting to pay off.”
Child psychiatrist Dr. Allen West says that death metal children who are unable to produce drawings of blood-drenched human remains may be showing troubling signs.
“The unfortunate reality is if by the age of about seven the child of death metal parents can’t draw skinless corpses with flesh being torn from bones or, at the very least, red-hot daggers lodged into eye sockets with that goo from the inside of the eye dripping down the screaming victim’s face, then it is very possible the child may grow up to be a fake-ass poser who listens to something like Warrant or some shit,” said Dr. West. “We always give parents advice to up their children’s daily exposure to Obituary and Morbid Angel as well as showing them true crime documentaries and any movie by Eli Roth. Sometimes it works but some parents need to face the fact their children could become well-rounded productive members of society and listen to pop music or even worse rap-metal.”
At press time, The Asheims say they were contacted by his teacher saying he has been staring at the class guinea pig in a “very disturbing way” and that they were taking him out for ice cream to celebrate.
