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The latest from Adidas
🕑 Added 2024-02-01 20:08:59 +0000 UTCPORTLAND, Ore. —Sneakerheads around the country are celebrating after Adidas announced that they’ll be liquidating their stocks of remaining Yeezy shoes to make room for the new Mountain Goats signature sneakers.
“I’m 95% sure these the Mountain Goats aren’t going to say anything anti-Semitic and have multiple highly publicized mental breakdowns,” said Adidas CEO Bjorn Gulden. “We made Yeezys and they sold like gangbusters. Next thing you know Kanye’s talking about how he’s actually Jewish, how he likes Hitler, not things that a German company wants to be associated with. Well, not again at least. After I heard my depressed assistant listening to ‘The Sunset Tree’ and I knew we had to bring them in for a sneaker meeting. These will be the perfect shoes for running away from your drunk stepdad, backyard wrestling, or even just hanging around the house and weeping.”
The seminal indie rock band expressed uncharacteristic excitement for the blockbuster branding deal.
“When I got the call I was practicing new techniques to make my voice sound a bit whinier,” explained Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle. “So I set my mandolin down and I brought the guys together first thing. We worked closely with Adidas to make a sneaker that screams ‘Mountain Goats’. Unfortunately a screaming shoe was deemed too expensive, so we went with a more traditional design. The MG1s, our first sneaker, are decorated with a full cartoon narrative of two wrestlers in a small town who end up addicted to painkillers. It looks fly as fuck. The sole pattern is just an extended Kafka quote.”
Although the collaboration might seem odd, it is part of a long line of celebrity product branding that goes back centuries.
“It all started when George Washington paired with the American Denture Company,” explained product historian Patty Lister. “He released a set of teeth modeled after his own with cherry tree icons on them. The dentureheads were scrambling for that one. Later Nietzche made a killing selling branded mustache wax that used the slogan ‘Life might be pointless, but your mustache doesn’t have to be!’ Charlie Chaplin even paired with the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory to make branded hats and canes, but that didn’t turn out so well.”
At press time, the Mountain Goats were designing a new shoe to wear while you stare out at the ocean and sigh softly.
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L
branching out from his existing line of cloaks and capes
