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🕑 Added 2024-02-04 13:00:08 +0000 UTCBROCKTON, Mass. — Local beatdown hardcore band Blood Reaper drastically changed their appearance and sound just two months after members of the band began using Ozempic, multiple sources confirmed.
“We used to walk into a venue and people would scramble to get out of our way because they were afraid we would beat the crap out of them. Now nobody moves when I’m trying to load gear. I have to be like ‘let me scooch past you.’ It’s kind of humiliating,” said frontman Matty “Meat” Heller. “And the more weight we lose the less people mosh. I went from 230 pounds down to 165 and when I tell people to ‘fuck this place up’ they just stand there and do that jerk-off motion. We had to make a change if we wanted to keep the band together, and we kind of have a mid-aughts, indie sleaze vibe going now. Like The Strokes meet Hot Hot Heat.”
Long-time fans of Blood Reaper are unsure if they can continue supporting the band through their evolution.
“This used to be the scariest band in town. Last year they had a show where two people were put into a coma, now when they play it’s a bunch of kids from Mass Art watching them silently and vaping,” said Danny “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick. “It’s more than just the weight thing. They all used to have shaved heads, now their hair is all grown out and shaggy. They used to wear cargo shorts and Blood for Blood t-shirts, now they were nicely pressed slacks and turtlenecks. And when I saw them play last month I overheard them discussing French New Wave films in the parking lot.”
Weight loss experts note that identity can often be tied to physical appearance.
“We all knew a ‘funny fat guy’ in high school. And we all know one of them that started taking physical fitness very seriously and documented every minute of their journey online. They used to be the guy that livened up every party, then they became the guy that lectured you about how sugar is more addictive than cocaine and offered you a free personal training session,” said Dr. Deepak Rama. “If someone you know is starting to use one of these new drugs, please be patient with them, and don’t take anything they say to you personally. They will hurt you.”
At press time, local emo band Highway Noise began adding breakdowns to all their songs after discovering steroids.
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Dan Fiscus
Can you guys go back to putting the title of the article in the Patreon post title? It's hard to read the picture when I get the notifications
