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Ian Miles Cheong First Recipient of Neuralink Thanks to Inherently Low Risk of Damaging Intellect
🕑 Added 2024-02-06 09:23:12 +0000 UTCFREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low risk that drilling into his brain would damage anything functional anyways, company officials and doctors said today via a press release.
Nadia Samson, a spokesperson for Neuralink spoke about the ground-breaking first human test subject.
“All of the preliminary scans showed very little overall activity, so the whole thing seemed pretty low risk,” Samson said. “Of course, we didn’t realize he was actually a citizen and resident of Malaysia. We figured he was based in the US because of the sheer amount of posts about American politics, but once we had that little wrinkle ironed out, getting the paperwork done was simple enough – no doctor seemed to care.”
Musk, who was reportedly heavily involved in the process of selecting Cheong as the first patient, had a somewhat different reason why the online commentator made for such a good test subject.
“You need to start with someone whose brain is working perfectly. Right? Not just a little bit – like, really working perfectly,” Musk said. “This guy responds to all my tweets with the best stuff. Pictures of me, memes of me, endorsements of me, quotes from me. This guy’s brain is functioning at maybe 110% capacity honestly.”
Musk offered more details on the exciting next step in the tech startup’s achievement.
“Ian’s been a good test subject. He didn’t freak out about the pile of bloated chimp corpses or ask about side effects like everyone else did,” Musk said. “Those chimps went woke and now they’re broke. At any rate I assured him we have a separate mass grave prepared for all our human test subjects should it come to that.”
Cheong himself spoke about the chance to be the world’s first Neuralink recipient.
“If Elon is behind it I know it’s going to be brilliant, so there was no real hesitation on my part about whether or not I wanted to do the procedure,” Cheong said. “Hell, I started drilling the hole myself before I even got the email back that they would take me.”
At press time Elon Musk and a team of engineers were working diligently to understand if Cheong’s recent rapid fire, unanswered Twitter replies to Musk all about how great the billionaire looks in a cowboy hat were a sign of the implant malfunctioning or just Cheong being himself.
By Johnny Amizich
