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Hard Digest March 17: Mike Pence, Early Access Reunion Shows, Orgies, the Bible, and More
🕑 Added 2024-03-18 00:00:06 +0000 UTCMike Pence’s Condemnation of Trump Sways Nearly Two Voters Nationwide
BY ALEX BRADLEY
WASHINGTON — Early reports show that as many as one vote could possibly change after Mike Pence announced Friday that he will not be endorsing Trump in the 2024 election, sources confirmed.
“I’m just a huge Mike Pence fan like everyone else,” said Simon Imonson, currently the only known voter considering Pence’s opinion. “I was thinking of voting for Trump, but I knew I couldn’t do that without Big Mike’s endorsement. But he also refused to endorse Biden, which puts me in a tough spot. Now I’m really on the fence about whether I should stay on the fence. But maybe I’m starting to lean towards leaning towards something. I’ll let you know who I’ll write in.”
Former candidate Mike Pence explained why he was hesitant to announce his non-endorsement of Trump.
“I had to contemplate it deeply, because I know the immense power my words hold as such an influential and beloved public figure,” said Pence while trying to forget the time that Trump’s supporters suggested he be hanged. “There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with being a former… Sorry, what was I again? Vice president. Right. Regardless, I thought long and hard and got a lot of extra security before telling the handful of people who care that I won’t endorse him.”
Political scientist Ellen Acosta explained that the power of Mike Pence’s endorsement is known colloquially as the “Pence Effect.”
“It’s very difficult to predict modern elections before we know who Mike Pence will endorse,” said Acosta. “Once he announces who he’s endorsing, the Pence Effect takes hold, and it could flip zero, one, or even two votes. Before his announcement, it’s completely impossible to know how those zero to two voters will vote. Now it’s all up in the air. We’re going to be watching these two gentlemen in Indiana very closely.”
New reports however suggest that Imonson was actually getting the former Vice President confused with comedian Mike Epps, who he found funny in the critically panned 2016 remake of “Uncle Buck.”
Hardcore Band Reunion Show Ruined After Singer Loses His Breath 20 Seconds Into First Song
PHILADELPHIA — Hardcore band X Conviction Of Truth X had their first reunion show in over fifteen years ruined after their singer lost his breath twenty seconds into the first song, sources who wished they’d just stayed home and fallen asleep on the couch at 9:30 confirmed.
“I was super pumped to play this show and went balls out on our first song ‘Deceptionocracy’ but before I knew it I couldn’t get the words out at all,” said vocalist Troy Billings. “When we played our last show I was twenty-three years old but now I’m almost forty. Is there something that happens to you when you get older and you sit at a desk job all day and you make no attempt to exercise that makes it so you can’t… sorry, I’m still catching my breath.”
Showgoers noticed the trouble Billings was having on stage and some even rushed in to help singalong but suffered the same shortness of breath.
“Once I saw Troy was only able to speak some of the lyrics to the first song I thought I should jump up on stage for big gang vocal breakdown part where it goes ‘Your system is a LIE!’ but by the time I got up there my heart was beating fast and my legs felt shaky and it just came out like ‘yerrshishtemizzaluh’,” said Kyle Willard, 42. “I played it off pretty cool though and just stood on the side of the stage pretending to singalong while I caught my breath. I was on the verge of passing out, but thankfully the band took about seven minutes to start the next song and I was able to chug some water and find a chair.”
Dan Smith, who books most of the local hardcore shows under the name “HATE FUCK LIFE”, says this has become a common problem when he books reunion shows for older bands.
“I see this all the time with bands that haven’t played since the early 2000s. Everyone runs out of steam quick and by the fourth or fifth song both the bands and the crowd look like they’re all at Death’s door,” said Smith. “I think for the next reunion show I book I’m just going to have each band play one song and be done with it. That way everyone can still say they saw their favorite band from when they were young, post the one good ten seconds of the show to Instagram, and we can all go home at a reasonable hour.”
At press time, X Conviction Of Truth X announced they were working on a new album but that practice hasn’t been going well since they mostly just sit around looking at their phones.
Book Club Unaware How Close They Are to Becoming Full Blown Orgy
BY MIKE CIVINS
CRANFORD, N.J. — The members of a Union County book club awoke this morning with no idea that every moment of last night’s meetup almost led to a depraved orgy of biblical proportions, local sources confirmed.
“Honestly, I had no idea,” claimed book club participant and self-proclaimed bibliophile Stan Jankowitz. “I guess you could argue there were a few questionable moments, like the subtly sensuous manner in which Christine DeGreiza’s tongue grazed the contours of each canapé before letting each morsel fall into her mouth or when everyone was stroking their hardcover copies of ‘The Seven Husbands’ of Evelyn Hugo. Sure, the erotic act caused the men of the group to grow harder and harder as they tried to subdue their natural instinct, and the other women of the group got so wet that it raised the humidity percentage in the room, but it was all standard stuff.”
Book club organizer Alaina Ferraro-Duke denied any sexual overtures and stated that the most recent gathering of bookworms was no different than any other, lurid glances between Chuck Dreyfus and Alexandra Tibbs notwithstanding.
“Sure, a suggestive double entendre here, a ribald pun there, but to say that a group of longtime acquaintances who all share a love of the written word were mere heartbeats away from tearing off their clothes and giving in to their carnal lusts like it was a bathhouse of ancient Rome is ludicrous,” explained Ferraro-Duke. As flop sweat gradually pooled on her forehead, she added, “I mean, who hasn’t looked at a bowl of artichoke dip surrounded by Tostitos Scoops Tortilla Chips and thought it was like looking at your lover’s genitals while they squatted over a hotel mirror?”
According to those operating in underground circles, book clubs are hardly the chaste sanctuaries most people think. These small intimate gatherings are voraciously sought by intrepid sexual adventurers like Alvin “Boogie” Nussbaum, a seasoned hedonist and aficionado of the erotic arts.
“Dig it, baby, these humps want you to think they’re all vanilla ice cream swimming in Dockers khakis, but the real freaks know that hardcover leads to hard-ons and paperback leads to bareback. A festival of flesh is always just waiting in the wings,” said Nussbaum while applying chapstick. “These bawdy bookworms are really doing some advanced ‘edging.’ It’s why every library smells a little bit off when you walk inside. They are palaces for arousal.”
At press time, these page pals were seen discussing next month’s book choice while holding back a playfully sinful enthusiasm and struggling not to use the word “cliterary.”
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