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Hard Digest March 19: Asbestos, Early Access Apple Vision Pro, Godspeed, NYU, and More
🕑 Added 2024-03-20 00:00:04 +0000 UTCOpinion: The Government Can Have My Asbestos When They Pry It From My Tenants’ Cold Dead Hands
BY DAN RICE
Whatever happened to liberty? What happened to freedom? What happened to the pursuit of happiness in this country, i.e. money off the backs of the less fortunate?
Recently, those pinko commies over at the EPA banned the last form of asbestos widely used in the United States. You’re probably thinking “Wait, they’re just banning it NOW, when so many landlords still rely on asbestos to insulate the homes their tenant families live in?!” Well believe it or not, yes.
First, they came for our lead paint, and I said nothing because those policies went virtually unenforced. Then, they came for our lead piping, and again, I said nothing, because they didn’t really do it. Now they’re coming for the asbestos in all of the buildings I own? And they’re like, for real going to do it?! Bread lines and concentration camps are right around the corner.
Are we just supposed to ignore all the good asbestos has done for us? I’m not just thinking about myself here, I’m thinking about my poor occupants! Take the single-family Clark Street property I am illegally renting as three separate apartments. Without the asbestos insulating those drop ceiling tiles, they would probably freeze to death come winter! The whole building is heated by a single unit on the first floor and the electricity can’t handle space heaters, so they are going to have to rely on beautiful asbestos, or else the city might catch on to my scheme.
What about my elderly tenants? I’m supposed to tell them they need to find somewhere else to stay for a few weeks while jack-booted government thugs come and remove their insulation? Half of them are already dealing with mesothelioma, I don’t want to pile on!
We need to take a stand against this absurd governmental interference of private property. Removing asbestos from the properties I own would not only be impractically expensive, but it’s a slippery slope toward my tenants becoming strong and healthy enough to stage an uprising. Speaking of which, have they banned TikTok yet? I don’t like how that app gives the poors a platform.
Band Wears Apple Vision Pro on Stage to See What It Would Be Like to Play for People
BY CORY COUSINS
LAFAYETTE, La. — Local sludge band Acid Jacuzzi embraced recent technological advances at their show this weekend by wearing Apple Vision Pro to experience what it would be like to look out into the audience and actually see people, sources close to the band confirmed.
“That show was literally the most wild experience I’ve ever had,” expressed Acid Jacuzzi vocalist/merch guy Billy Fontenot. “By the time we had to play our set, everybody was gone, the place was a ghost town. So we all strapped on the Apple Visions Pros I bought with my girlfriend’s credit card, and then suddenly we were about to rock out to a packed audience, sort of. Honestly, the AI-generated audience was truly amazing! One lady kept on glitching by bashing her head into the monitor. Fucking brutal. We can’t wait to play for them again.”
According to staff who were working during the band’s set, it wasn’t quite as magical as members of the band seemed to remember.
“It was super slow for a weekend,” noted venue bartender Crystal Melancon. “We typically get a decent crowd for live bands, but these guys couldn’t even get friends or family to show up. I was a little confused when they started playing their set they were acting like they were playing at the Superdome to a sold-out crowd, but the only person there was me, and half the time I was yelling for them to wrap it up early so I could send the staff home. At one point, the drummer threw his sticks out to where the audience normally is, but they just hit the ground. It’s like they thought actual people were cheering for them.”
Noted local music scene historian and tech enthusiast, Cornelius Vandersmoot, weighed in on how the use of technology may affect local music scenes in the near future.
“This is new territory for bands, audiences, and live music in general,” remarked Vandersmoot. “The tech itself is fun, but what are the long-term consequences for shows in general moving forward? Today you have a band thinking they’re playing for an audience. In the weeks to come, we could have musicians jumping from the stage thinking they’re going to be caught by an adoring crowd or start high-fiving invisible avatars after a set. One cringes at the very mention of it.”
At press time, Acid Jacuzzi ultimately decided to play future shows without Apple Vision Pro due to the drummer’s mom butt-dialing him repeatedly during the set, causing him to drop beats while trying to swipe away her calls.
What the Fuck?! The People in Godspeed You! Black Emperor Can Talk?
BY I took ASL classes for a year because I didn’t want to look like an asshole at tonight’s Godspeed You! Black Emperor show. I couldn’t wait to sign, “Play ‘Motherfucker=Redeemer’!” to the stage and watch the band play the song out of pure respect for my sensitivity. But then I found out they’re a bunch of liars.
Did you know those motherfuckers can talk?
Before I saw that interview on YouTube, I thought Godspeed You! Black Emperor’s albums were an attempt to rhythmically communicate their lived experience to the rest of the world. But why would a band that can fully sing Jason Mraz barbershop songs a cappella in the train station choose to play nine minutes of atonal noise and audio samples of trains? I always thought of Godspeed as a bunch of speech–and possibly hearing–impaired people trying to make a statement about the inherently flawed nature of human existence. Turns out they’re just a bunch of perverts dickin’ around with feedback and cellos.
Which brings me to another point:
What kind of “band” makes music like that on purpose?! Can you imagine slowly building an intricately layered, spiritually transcendent movement that incorporates fluctuating dynamics, multiple rhythm section players, ambient noise for dramatic tension, huge swells of noise meant to surprise the listener, selfless guitar playing, and audio samples, when you could be doing, “OOOHHHH-WAAAA-AAAAAAAAA-AAA!” instead? Their lack of down-with-the-sickness vibes is probably why I’ve never finished a single one of their structureless 12-minute songs.
Also, Godspeed’s field recordings of dystopian poetry from the late 1990s count as reading, and fuck reading.
The band is Gen X, so maybe someone should tell the band that archaic physical instruments accompanied by antique visual media is no longer necessary since TikTok exists. Maybe the members of Godspeed You! Black Emperor should duet some videos and share sponsored content, plugs for their merch, podcast, side projects, blog, upcoming festival dates, backup account second podcast, Cameo account, various solo albums, and Twitch streams instead.
I guess they’re just, like, really fucked up or something. Do you think they get high? Wait. They’re CANADIAN? That makes a lot of sense now. Nevermind. Please don’t talk. Or sign. Just keep up whatever it is you think you’re doing.
Photo by Grywnn.
NYU Drops All Pretense and Adds “Being Famous” as Possible Major
BY TIM SHEARD
NEW YORK — Board members at New York University decided to do away with any attempt at holding up appearances and just allow students to declare “Being Famous” as a major, sources confirmed with a shrug as if to say “makes sense.”
“We simply looked at the fact that 100 percent of our graduates go on to be famous in the arts in some form or another, and decided to cut out the middleman. Kids were applying to our school with the express purpose of making it big, why not make that ‘express’ all the quicker?” said NYU Head Linda G. Mills, as she copy-and-pasted the entire text of today’s Variety into the upcoming alumni newsletter. “It’s a very popular major, with nearly every new student we’ve accepted since the announcement declaring it. We had to read through so many application essays, which we requested, of course, to be written in the style of SNL five-time host monologues. That’ll get that out of the way for them when that day inevitably comes.”
Those who have completed the required coursework for the major were surprised at the perks it came with.
“Graduation was really fun because in addition to my diploma, we were also given the option to take a Tony award, a five-picture movie deal, or an official adoption from a potential famous parent that had connections to the John Oliver writer’s room. I couldn’t decide, with all the lights in my eyes and cameras going off, so they just told me to take all three,” said recent graduate Gerard Holcomb, who minored in “Talk Show Anecdotes.” “They did scold me afterward for not being used to the lights and cameras though, since a lot of the curriculum was based around…that…Ah, sorry to trail off, I’m just noticing the weird ‘grey’ color of this carpet…I’m just so used to red, it really threw me off.”
Hollywood agents are beginning to take note, relieved that their already easy job has been made that much easier by the streamlining.
“It’s just nice to know that someone has a four-year degree in being famous, to prove they’re ready for it,” said talent manager Taryn Linskey, as he sent a client an email requesting 10% of the pay from an acting role the client booked on their own and he in no way helped them get. “From now on, no more walk-ons, even if they’ve got talent spilling out of every one of their head-holes, capisce? They’ll need to make that dean’s list if they want that shot at the A-list, plain and simple! Now, excuse me, I need to go make a bunch of empty promises or I won’t hit my quota.”
Not to be outdone, the Berklee College of Music has now begun to offer the major “Couch Surfing” to prepare their graduates for the life ahead of them.
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60 Players All Try to Marry Sebastian at Once in New Stardew Valley Bachelor Royale
BY THOMAS WILDE
PELICAN TOWN – Stardew Valley developer Eric “ConcernedApe” Barone has used update 1.6 to shadowdrop a new massively-multiplayer mode for the game in which up to 60 players all compete to win the heart of Sebastian, one of the game’s most deliberately unattainable bachelors.
A nerdy, emo shut-in who lives with his mother and stepfather, Sebastian is one of 6 bachelors in Pelican Town who players can eventually marry. He’s widely considered one of the more difficult prospective romances in Stardew Valley, both due to his taste in gifts and his tendency to shut himself inside his mother’s basement.
“I didn’t think people would respond to Sebastian as well as they have,” ConcernedApe said. “Something about a character who spends 19 hours a day locked indoors playing computer games really resonated with the Stardew audience. Go figure.”
In the Bachelor Royale minigame, 60 players are all airdropped into their late grandfather’s abandoned farm and must immediately seek Sebastian’s hand in marriage. Players are permanently removed from the competition if their health or relationship with Sebastian falls to zero. Deliberate sabotage is allowed and encouraged, which can include ruining one another’s crops, purposefully causing arguments between Sebastian and his stepfather Demetrius, or murdering other players with a pickaxe.
“Sebastian’s emotional distance is what made him the perfect candidate for Bachelor Royale,” ConcernedApe said. “Players will have to organize their lives around his schedule and really make use of the map. I tried a version of this with Leah, who lives just one screen south from the player’s farm, but that was like the Battle of the Somme with sprite graphics. I don’t want to talk about it.”
The news was revealed barely 30 minutes ahead of the theorized launch time for Stardew Valley’s latest content patch, which was enough time for dedicated Stardew players to put together their battle plans.
“Oh, I’m all in on this,” said SleepyTea, a professional streamer. “I’ve played 2,000 hours of Stardew just to ‘chill and chat’ with my audience. I know exactly where to go to get enough Obsidian to max out my relationship values in the first week, and if any of my subscribers get between me and that floppy-haired little twink, I will unleash absolute hell. The time of cozy gaming is over. Now only Chaos reigns in Pelican Town.”
The Bachelor Royale winner will reportedly unlock a new scene where they meet Sebastian’s long-absent dad, while still covered in the blood of those they’ve slain.
Sleep Monitoring App Diagnoses User as Having Bought New Game
BY SAN FRANCISCO — Based on his near-nocturnal sleep schedule this week, sleep monitoring app SleepTight has reportedly diagnosed gamer Derek Vaughn with almost certainly owning an incredible new video game.
“Our cutting-edge technology detected an alarming shift in Derek’s sleep schedule,” explained SleepTight’s lead developer, Dr. Amanda Perkins. “Instead of his usual 7-8 hours of sleep per night, he was averaging 2-3 hours, mostly between 6 AM and noon. Plus we could see he was on Steam.”
Vaughn’s roommate, pre-med student Tyler Davis, concurred with the app’s diagnosis.
“Derek’s been holed up in his room since he bought that new game,” Davis said. “I hadn’t seen in a couple weeks so I thought he moved out, but then I heard him shouting at his computer in the middle of the night. I’m just glad he’s not dead. His room kinda smelled like he was.”
When reached for comment, Vaughn seemed confused by the app’s findings.
“A week? No way, I just started playing a couple hours ago,” he said before checking his phone. “Oh my god I missed finals.”
Dr. Perkins said that Vaughn is not the only user on the app struggling with these unhealthy sleeping patterns.
“We call it ‘Gamer Sleep Disorder,’ or GSD. Cases spike every time a big game drops,” she said. “Symptoms include marathon gaming sessions, a general disregard for normal sleep patterns, and becoming highly sensitive about gaming news online. It can be very dangerous.”
According to Perkins, SleepTight is currently developing a “gamer mode” to help users manage their sleep while owning an addicting new game. The mode will include alerts reminding users to take breaks, stretch, and for a small charge automatically shut down their gaming PCs around 2am each morning.
At press time, Vaughn had reportedly fallen asleep at his keyboard as his phone buzzed repeatedly with notifications from SleepTight checking if he was still alive.
Charlie Kirk Rails Against Lack of Traditional Values in Modern Hentai
BY In a clip that recently went viral on social media, conservative political activist Charlie Kirk steered the conversation on his online radio show to a perceived lack of traditional values in post-modernist Hentai.
“When this country was great, hentai was between one awkward Japanese high schooler and a harem of 3-5 immortal space princesses,” said the founder of Turning Point USA to a packed auditorium. “Now, thanks to the woke left, we’re seeing orcs banging tentacle monsters, and she-elfs get freaky with cat demons. We are witnessing the fall of the West and it’s like no one cares!”
Kirk’s words were generally well received by the crowd of young conservatives, many of whom cheered in agreement in the chat. To Samuel Radke, a software engineer and life-long Hentai enthusiast, Kirk’s fiery speech echoed some of his own concerns about a genre of online porn that he believes is in danger of losing its deep-rooted connection to his faith.
“I thank Hentai for shaping a lot of my own worldview, and I think it’s disgusting to see what it’s become under Biden and the Democrats,” Radke said. “I’ve noticed a distinct decrease in the average breast size of a lot of the characters I’ve known for years, and I just know that isn’t what God intended. The Bible says, ‘What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder,’ and I genuinely believe that passage is about animated titties.”
Kirk went on to argue for a return to “traditional hentai” that centered on “God, country, and guys getting bloody noses when they see a bra.”
At press time, Turning Point USA announced the development of an overtly conservative Hentai series voiced by Roseanne Barr and contributors from the Daily Wire.
Parents’ Marriage Ending Explained
BY NICK COFFMAN
Warning: This article contains full spoilers for the ending of your parents’ marriage. And if you’re just here to see if they eventually get back together by the end, they don’t.
Whoa. Who could’ve seen your parents calling it quits after twenty years of marriage? Wait. No. Stop. I’m not doing this. I’m not spoon feeding you, you idiot. You would have noticed how unhappy your parents were if you had pulled your face out of your phone from time to time. Any fool with an attention span greater than a goldfish would know that they were just barely getting by and most of their marital woes could be traced back to you, Matthew.
Your dad didn’t even want you, but your mom persistently begged for a family until your dad caved. Out came little Matthew and all the trouble that would follow you. It was doomed from the start. You weren’t an easy baby. Restful nights together became restless and bitter between your parents. Mom went from wanting a big family to wanting to change her name and disappear.
I see you thinking about closing this tab, Matthew. Do not open Tiktok. None of those dancing teenage girls are going to tell you like it is.
Your parents learned to cope once you started sleeping through the night, but then you went and grew into a new type of monster. You shouted at them, threw crap, and broke everything you could get your hands on. Dad’s resentment toward mom grew with every Van Halen record you threw across the room. Mom began to question her decision making skills every time she heard your voice screeching her name.
Wake up and smell the coffee Matthew. This is important. That last paragraph was just 70 words. Can you seriously not focus enough to read 70 words?
Your parents once again persevered, this time thanks to ear-plugs and putting their things in high-places, but you again transformed into a being they were not prepared for. You became the self-centered twat that stands before us today. Take a look in the mirror, Matthew. You’re looking at a person who can’t be bothered to spend a few hours out of their comfort zone. Your mom tried to share her love for gardening with you. You couldn’t even pretend to care about her tomatoes. Dad rebuilt his Van Halen collection and tried to share his music with you. You turned right around and sold his albums for weed money. Your parents’ hate for each other grew. The only thing they could agree on is how much they each despise you.
I see that I’ve lost you again to X (you’re one of those cool people that’s still caught up on the name change, right?) Matthew, I just want you to know, your parents both hate you, your two new step-parents are also going to hate you, we all hate you, and you wouldn’t need me to explain all this if you weren’t a self centered leech on all your loved ones lives.
Also your dad doesn’t like that Van Halen record you bought him for Christmas, he can’t stand the Sammy Hagar era, you’d know that if you took the time to care.
GameScent AI Supposes It Has No Choice but to Perfectly Emulate Tear Gas Grenade Which Just Landed Near Player
BY NEW YORK — A Brooklyn apartment was reportedly filled with a pitch-perfect recreation of tear gas yesterday after the highly sophisticated GameScent AI system had no choice but to emulate a world war one grenade thrown by a player.
“I was just trying to play the game and suddenly my eyes started burning and I couldn’t breathe,” said the victim, Mark Thompson, 25. “I stumbled out of my apartment, choking and coughing, only to find my neighbors in the same situation. It was one of the best gaming experiences of my life.”
Thompson’s roommate, Ethan Wilkins, who was also affected by the tear gas, expressed outrage.
“I woke up and thought I was dying. I thought I’d never see my family again,” he said. “I’m so pissed I haven’t been able to afford one yet.”
Local authorities are investigating the incident, and some lawmakers are calling for stricter regulations on gaming technology.
“Almost half of all fires are started by overheating PS4s,” said city councilman Don Barker. “The other half is improperly wired DIY PC gaming builds. RGB lighting takes so many lives every year and the media refuses to cover it.”
GameScent president Casey Bunce defended the company’s commitment to realism.
“Our AI is designed to provide the most immersive gaming experience possible,” he said. “We’ve perfectly recreated the scents of everything from mustard gas to napalm, and we’re just getting started. Imagine the thrill of winning a round and knowing your enemy’s apartment will never be inhabitable again.”
At press time, GameScent had announced plans to release a limited edition version of its device which would allow players to experience the thrill of being waterboarded.
