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Hard Digest March 20: Kate Middleton, Early Access Tool, Yoko Ono, DIY Label, and More
🕑 Added 2024-03-21 00:00:05 +0000 UTCKate Middleton Body Double Conspiracy Grows After Princess Spotted With Andrew W.K., Avril Lavigne, and the Undertaker
BY LONDON — Internet detectives trying to solve the mystery surrounding Kate Middleton are dissecting a series of paparazzi photos that show the princess out for a stroll with musicians Andrew W.K., Avril Lavigne, and professional wrestler the Undertaker.
“I’ve gone back through nearly a decade of photos and I’ve never seen Kate with the Undertaker before. I thought maybe he would be in some of the photos from Queen Elizabeth’s funeral, but no, there are no photos of a 6’10” man in a purple suit and hat with her. It seems just a little convenient that she’s seen with him now,” said TikTok investigator Abigail Hannon. “And we know the original Avril Lavigne died and was replaced by her friend Melissa, so maybe this body double is giving new Kate some pointers? It’s really tough to tell what’s going on here, but we will get to the bottom of this.”
The current actor playing Andrew W.K. claims the photos are being blown out of proportion.
“I’ve known Rachel, sorry wait, her name is Kate now. I’ve known Kate for years. I remember when she was recruited. We knew she was going to make it to the big time eventually. If you are a body double for a female member of the Royal Family you’re eventually getting called up to the big leagues,” said W.K. “Me and the crew just wanted to show her our support and let her know she’s doing a great job as Kate. She might be a bit too tall, but from 100 meters away she’s nearly identical. It’s just so cool to see someone you started with make it to this level of fame. We just continue to pray that the corporations that own our life rights don’t decide to kill us off.”
Conspiracy theorists say this scandal goes even deeper than the public realizes.
“If you think Kate has a body double then you’re a legitimate moron. She never even existed in the first place. Have you ever met Kate Middleton in real life? I didn’t think so, she only exists in photos and newsreel footage that is heavily doctored by the elites controlling the media,” said Archie Liston. “Prince William, Prince Harry, King Charles, none of them are real. They are all cyborgs modeled after what royal inbreeding would have looked like if the entire Royal Family hadn’t been consumed by the lizard people after the Falklands War. Time to wake up.”
At press time, Middleton was seen congratulating 75 different Vladimir Putins on their landslide reelection.
Maniacally Ambitious DIY Label Sets First Catalog Number as “0001”
BY PETER WOODS
CHEYENNE, Wyo. — Upstart businessman Vance Macauley ambitiously numbered the first release of his brand new record label, Place/Value Records, as PVR-0001, confirmed sources who wish they never loaned him money.
“I’ve got it all laid out. The first few thousand copies of this record are getting printed right now and once those sell out in the first week I’ll use that money to fund a second pressing and the next few releases,” said Macauley. “We’re going to drop the debut LP from local faves David and the Peak Time Bangerz. They had, like, over 30 people at their show last Friday. I mean that’s a crazy amount of people for a Friday night because the bar next door was doing ‘The Office’ trivia and most people in town show up to that. Between local sales and online orders we should fly through the first run once the reviews come in. As long as we can do that every month for a year, we should have cash on hand for our first 60 releases.”
Following the announcement, numerous Cheyenne musicians have sent messages of support to Macauley.
“Yeah, I told him it was pretty cool that he was willing to put the money in,” said David Bridgers, frontman for David and the Peak Time Bangerz. “I hope he makes his money back and all that, but mostly I’m just stoked that I get to hear my band on vinyl and give my mom a copy. But what we’re supposed to do with the other 70 copies he gave us, I have no idea. I was thinking of making a few of them into ashtrays and selling them on Etsy. But I think most of them will end up at Goodwill.”
The enthusiasm shared by the local community has yet to translate to the international music industry.
“Upstart labels like this used to worry us,” said Alannah Johns, a label representative from Universal Music Group. “We would hear about some new imprint and immediately sprint to the war room. Every single one was an instant target that we had to absolutely eradicate. But then we realized that all of those labels die within 45 days, give or take, and we don’t ever have to lift a finger, we just sit back and wait for them to start complaining about algorithms and watch the entire world they built for themselves burn down.”
As of press time, Place/Value Records had already published a GoFundMe, which they started after paying the “ridiculously and unexpectedly large” down payment to the pressing plant.
The Concept of a Woman “Yoko Ono”-Ing a Group Is Inherently Sexist, but How Do I Do It?
BY TIM SHEARD
When a woman joins a group of all men–whether it be a night out with her boyfriend’s bros, a conversation at the water cooler, or the comments under some hot nineteen-year-old TikToker’s post–she will eventually be accused of trying to break up that group. She’s trying to steal her man away from his friends; she’s stifling guy talk at the office; she’s ruining the vibe by asking about the hot teen’s sweater instead of bookmarking for later.
Her mere presence makes her a Yoko–an archetype and phenomenon named for Ms. Ono’s apparent role in breaking up The Beatles, a band of hard-headed, egomaniacal men who would still be touring together today if she hadn’t come along and brutally married John Lennon.
Blaming a woman for the actions of a group of men is laughably offensive. It’s textbook misogyny.
But if their issues were her fault, how exactly do we think she went about it? And how long did it take? Would a marketer at a startup and his semi-employed buddies from college who all live together in a basement unit (that we were supposed to share) be susceptible to the same techniques?
Any given group of four or so guys is likely not as talented as The Beatles–or Yoko–so I’m not worried about having to be the voice in anyone’s ear, convincing him he’s better off without the others holding him back. They’re not holding him back. He’s not doing anything. Wait, did Yoko also have to convince John not to be a total loser?
I’m willing to be completely derivative if it works. In 1969, Yoko Ono made and released Self-Portrait, a short film that was just 42 minutes of John Lennon’s John Thomas. Is alienating, experimental art of Liverpudlian pud my gateway into Yoko-ing? If given the right tool, I think I could be really good at this.
I’m not saying I could ever crack the glass ceilings that Yoko shattered 50 years ago. She’s one of our greatest living feminist villains. I just want to follow in her footsteps (or the Memory of Footsteps from her 2009 album Between My Head and the Sky). I’m not looking to be the boogieman to four super-talented British guys for a decade. I just need the bathroom to be free more often.
Hungry Children at Home Understand That Daddy Needed $250 “Lateralus” Parka Instead of Food
BY JOHN DANEK
PHOENIX — The children of the Aaronson family forgave their father Billy for leaving them with empty, growling stomachs in order to purchase overpriced Tool merch at their recent Phoenix show, the children reported.
“We love daddy! Do you have a banana? I’m hungry and there hasn’t been anything to eat for days,” said Lila Aaronson, the eldest child of 3 and aspiring elephant. “Our babysitter Kayla came over the other night while daddy went to see his favorite band, and she kept asking if we have another fridge somewhere else with food in it. Daddy came back super late smelling like a bonfire looking really really REALLY happy. He said it was going to be a lean few weeks, and he kept strutting around to show off his new jacket. Which does look really cool, but Daddy said he’s going to have to cancel my birthday party this weekend which stinks. I’ve been dreaming of cake at night.”
Mr. Aaronson admits he has seen Tool at least once during every album touring cycle since their debut “Undertow” came out in 1993.
“Look, times are tough financially, and my kids are being great little troopers during this period while I try to find a job, but I couldn’t miss Tool coming through and this sick Lateralus parka is quite a bargain if you think about it,” said Aaronson, who is being audited by the Arizona Unemployment Department. “Not only is it stylish merch, but it’s functional winter weather gear too. And in Phoenix, climate change could affect things so hard that it actually starts to get cold here in the next 50-100 years. Or, my kids could all fit inside as a sleeping bag. So I’m responsibly prepared.”
Budget experts expressed caution about the tempting nature of concert merchandise.
“If you have kids, your days of buying overpriced merch should be over,” said Bridget Eisen, senior writer for Kiplinger. “You don’t need to prove to other people that you actually went to the show- no one is checking receipts. Just tell the other dad in the school pickup line and move on with your life. If you really want a shirt, wait until the tour is over and the band lists all the leftovers for 50% off online. But please just feed your kids first.”
Child Protective Services have taken custody over the Aaronson children after hearing rumors that the father is “getting into guitar pedals.”
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‘Outer Wilds’ Anglerfish Pondering Next Steps Now That It Has Entire Spaceship in Mouth
BY NIK THEORIN
DARK BRAMBLE – An Anglerfish native to Dark Bramble was reportedly considering next steps after it was seen idly floating through the region with its prey—an entire spaceship of comparable size—stuffed inside its mouth, sources say.
“I honestly never thought I’d get this far,” said the Anglerfish, whose responses were recorded using a modified translation tool. “You never think it’ll happen to you, that you’ll be the one who catches the Big Fish. My ancestors told of a Great Fish from ages ago, impossible to swallow, but the Big Fish of my day are a rare treat. Here I am floating in my territory, the perfect darkness reminding me I’ll never see my mother’s face, when I sense what must be a large prey animal scooching past me at the speed of nothing. My first thought is, hey, are you stupid? I’m RIGHT here. It’s practically kissing my lure. After that, it’s as simple as opening my mouth, roaring like I just took a probe to the nose, and swallowing it whole.”
“Oh yes,” the Anglerfish continued, mouth still full of ‘prey’. “The Big Fish is all mine now. You know how most predators rip their meal apart and digest it in small, nutritious pieces? Not me. I swallow whole. I’m like a snake, if a snake was entirely unable to digest its prey. I’m savoring it. Do you have snakes on your Timber Hearth, Small Fish?”
Upon being properly informed as to the nature of its catch, the Anglerfish appeared open to the idea that the “Big Fish” currently in its mouth was, in fact, a state-of-the-art Hearthian spaceship.
“Yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense,” said the Angler. “That’s given me a lot to think about.”
The incident’s sole eyewitness, renowned Hearthian astronaut Feldspar, discovered marooned on Dark Bramble, claimed they watched the tragedy occur from their camp, set up inside a massive Anglerfish skeleton.
“That hatchling never was very bright. If you told me a week ago they’d end up trapped inside an Anglerfish body with no hope of rescue, I’d have said, well, that makes two of us!” Feldspar joked, occasionally stopping to go ham on the harmonica. “It is a real tragedy though, and not only for the kid. I’ve been watching that Angler who ate ‘em for a little while now. Let me tell you, it’s totally lost. Ten minutes ago I saw it trying to cough that ship up, trying over and over. No dice. Then it tried swallowing, really digesting the thing. Nope. Too big. Too metal. Almost makes you feel sorry for the thing. It’s blind. It didn’t know what it was in for. Now it just floats motionless all day… more than usual, I mean. It doesn’t know what to do. If you told me a week ago that a fish could have an existential crisis and spend its days reflecting on its past choices in lonely solitude, I’d have said, well— me too, buddy. Me too.”
While swift efforts were made to retrieve the spacecraft from the now-catatonic predator, a probe shot into the mouth of the beast managed to make contact with the hatchling pilot inside, who was previously thought lost.
“I’M NOT DEAD, OH GOD, THANK GOD, I’M ALIVE. I’M ALIVE!” said the unidentified pilot, who appeared trapped within their ship. “OKAY, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. The sun is going to EXPLODE. TODAY. Like it always has, but I HAVE THE COORDINATES NOW. I can go to the Eye of the Universe, just like the Nomai wanted to. Their Vessel is in here, in Dark Bramble, and I have the Advanced Warp Core that powered the Ash Twin Project, so I can— oh, oh God, OH GOD NO, I HAVE THE CORE. THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE LAST LOOP. I’M GOING TO ACTUALLY DIE THIS TIME. I’M GOING TO DIE WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN FISH—”
At press time, Feldspar promised to stay in communication with the mentally unstable pilot as efforts proceeded to remove their ship from the mouth of the Anglerfish, with Hearthian authorities giving the trapped pilot an estimate of a little over 22 minutes until freedom.
Star Wars Battlefront Classic Collection Perfectly Captures Nostalgia by Forcing You to Play Alone
BY ALEC WALKER
Fans of the original Star Wars Battlefront series are overjoyed with the re-release’s server capacity issues and how it reminds them of their lonely childhoods, sources confirmed.
“Back in the day, I used to load up this game and pretend that all the clones surrounding me in battle were my friends, and the droids were my elementary school enemies,” said Donovan Price, while posting ‘happy birthday!’ to himself on his own Facebook wall. “It’s so nice to revisit those devastatingly lonely memories that would have been classified as severe depression if I had been an adult. I don’t need other people; I just want to mow down droids as Yoda. He’s my height and no one makes fun of him.”
Game dev Lizzy Doherty was astounded by the fans’ response. “We should’ve just claimed we did this on purpose,” said Doherty of the server issues, while signing the in-office petition to fire their PR person. “Who knew being woefully unprepared for the release date would cause the most positive reception a remaster has gotten in years? I never had the opportunity to play the originals because I was busy being cool and having a social life, but the fervor we’ve created is tempting me to try it out.”
Even Yoda himself weighed in on the pandemonium and expressed gratitude for the love he has received for this game.
“Thank you, I must, for playing. But, losers, you are. A path to the dark side, this game is,” said Yoda. “Loneliness leads to anger. Anger leads to playing Star Wars Battlefront alone, thinking it is a healthy coping mechanism for your unresolved trauma. Look to the past, do not. Look to the future. Maybe find a friend or two, you should.”
At press time, EA, the publisher of the newer Battlefront games, was seen trying to emulate the Classic Collection’s magic by finding a way to garner nostalgia for overpriced micro-transactions.
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Desperately Lobbying Congress to Ban TikTok
BY The Bathroom Reader’s Institute, makers of the Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader series of books, has reportedly urged the US Senate to vote yes on the bill banning TikTok – or at least pass some bathroom scrolling tax to level the playing field.
The controversial bill has already been passed by the House of Representatives and President Biden has said he will sign it if passed by the Senate, potentially forcing TikTok parent company ByteDance to sell TikTok to an American company.
Company spokesperson Melanie Pringle, who has proposed a “Bathroom Entertainment Equality Act” to be added to a military funding package, offered the publisher’s perspective on the issue.
“This issue is so much larger than the latest edition of our Bathroom Reader, which is chock full of corny factoids for you to learn while you’re on the can — all at a price that has to be seen to be believed,” Pringle said. “Since 1988 the Bathroom Reader has changed the way Americans take a dump. How many hours of idle chit chat have taken place solely because there was a time when the only reading material available to us on the toilet was either a bathroom reader or a wrinkled old magazine that was kept on the back of the toilet? That’s what’s at stake here.”
Herschel Smith, a longtime fan and advocate of the Bathroom Reader series has been lobbying on behalf of The Bathroom Institute, and has been invited to testify before the Senate as they consider this bill.
“Before the Bathroom Reader existed I struggled to make small talk. In fact, I wouldn’t have met my wife Shirley if it hadn’t been for that first book back in ‘88,” Mr. Smith said. “If I hadn’t told her about the origins of Silly Putty while we were waiting at the bus stop we wouldn’t be together today. If I’d been too busy watching videos, our kids wouldn’t have gone on to be valedictorians graduating summa cum laude. We owe everything we have to Uncle John and his wonderful books. I hope Congress does the right thing and shuts down TikTok. It’s destroying our country. I can’t strike up a conversation about Stanley cups. I just can’t.”
Senator Bernie Sanders(I-VT) offered his opinion on the matter after news of the bill’s passage in the House broke.
“TikTok is one of the tools the millionaires and billionaires in the tech industry are using to dumb down an entire generation of young people in our country, and frankly I think it’s a disgrace,” Senator Sanders said. “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader has played a crucial role in keeping our country informed of easily digestible facts that can slide right out during any conversation with friends and family the last thirty-five years. Unless these huge corporations like TikTok are kept in check soon the only thing left to read in the bathroom if your phone dies or you leave it in the other room will be the back of the shampoo bottle, left conveniently out of reach. It’s shameful, it’s really shameful. I will be voting yes on this bill.”
At press time, Senator Sanders was seen placing copies of the Bathroom Reader on the desks of all his colleagues along with a personalized note imploring them to vote yes on the TikTok ban.
Art School Adds Course on Giving up and Accepting Furry Art Commissions
BY CHARLES BILL
Waves were made throughout the art world today as the Yale School of Art announced a new mandatory course on giving up and accepting furry art commissions.
“At first it really pissed me off,” said an anonymous student in Yale’s art program, “Then the professor explained to us that art is dead and capitalism killed it. That really spoke to me. Apparently the only way to maintain art as a career is to get really good at drawing ripped wolves and foxes. We had a two-week symposium on making sure their eyes look like they come out of a Disney cartoon. Otherwise we won’t get the full two-thousand dollar commission from it. Next week we’ll be covering how to show vascularity under fur, and studying the anatomy of canine phalluses.”
The class was implemented by the highest members of the art school faculty as an essential course for living as an artist.
“We started the course after seeing so many of our recent graduates working at the campus Starbucks,” explained Dean of Yale School of Design, Kimberly Pinder. “These are some of the best artists of our generation barely scraping by. Didn’t they know they could get paid thousands to draw a humanoid eagle copulating with a Charmeleon? If these students were just a little less picky about ‘making art they care about,’ then they’d be raking in the big bucks. Art is just a money laundering scheme anyway, might as well have someone bust a nut over it and make some cheddar while you’re at it.
The course has been catching fire in the furry community as well, where it has been wildly well-received.
“It’s just nice to get some validation for once,” tweeted X user, @GriffinbYiffin, “Quite frankly a huge aspect of the furry lifestyle is spending exorbitant amounts of money on highly specific art commissions. Can you really put a price on a custom picture of your fursona raw-dogging a beautiful silverback gorilla in a Kohl’s parking lot? If you can, please name that price and send me your cashapp right now.”
At press time the course lecturer was explaining that furries are the modern day Medicis for artist patronage.
