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Hard Digest March 10: Early Access Drummer Isolation, Gatekeeping, Forbidden Curtains, and More
🕑 Added 2024-03-11 00:00:04 +0000 UTCDrummer Feels Left Out After Synchronized Jump
BY RYAN CLARK
EL SEGUNDO, Calif. — Local drummer Austin Block admitted to feeling intense jealousy, abandonment, and heartbreak when his bandmates in Genghis Pawn executed multiple jumps in unison during a recent performance, sources confirmed.
“It seems kind of unfair, everyone else is having the time of their life smiling and jumping around and I’m sitting all the way back here in the pitch black like a gremlin just pounding away. When we started Genghis Pawn we agreed that we were going to have an equal say in everything,” said Block. “Not only are they jumping in unison without me, but they are leaning their backs against each other and sharing microphones! What’s next? Am I going find out that they are tuning their guitars to the same key and playing the same chord progression?”
Genghis Pawn guitarist Dana Cooper had an entirely different take on the events.
“Austin doesn’t realize how good he has it. As the guitarist, I’m easily the second most important member of the band and I’m required to look good and stand up for the entire duration of our set,” said Cooper. “I don’t have the luxury of taking a load off and sitting on something literally called a throne. Your majesty back there gets to wear sweatpants and look like shit and nobody notices. The rest of us have to jump up and down to prevent our legs from going numb. I’m sorry he feels left out, but this is the same guy that gets mad when our singer hits one of his precious cymbals with the microphone.”
Local shit starter Kevin Greene says the issues between Block and his band members go even deeper.
“Listen, I don’t want to cause any waves, but all those dudes have been jumping in unison in other places besides the stage. I saw them both in line for the bathroom grabbing their crotches and jumping. I saw them at a kid’s birthday party together in one of those bounce houses, and worst of all, they were spotted doing synchronized cannonballs into a public pool last summer,” said Greene. “It’s sad really. Drummers never get to be a part of the fun, they are just told to keep time and stay seated. Things need to change.”
At press time, Block walked off the stage abruptly after his frontman failed to introduce him with the rest of the band during an extended interlude.
Not Just Anyone Can Call Themselves A Gatekeeper
Call me old-fashioned, but I remember a time when being a gatekeeper meant something. Back in my day gatekeepers were the guards, the bouncers. As someone who was doing this waaayyy before it was cool, I’m among a small handful who can appreciate just how much this treasured tradition has declined.
Modern keepers are cowards; they hide in their little online forums bitching about the latest influx of newbies and what they’re doing to the community. But guess what? There wouldn’t be an influx if they were doing their jobs! Get off your ass and start making people feel bad. Go to the grocery store, if you see someone wearing your favorite band’s shirt then ask them to name every one of their songs in the order they were released, if they can’t then you need to call 911 and have them arrested.
Shift the goalposts! Raise the bar!
But whatever you do, don’t just let people enjoy things. At this rate, pretty soon every fandom will be saturated with well-adjusted adults instead of true fans who base their entire personality on niche interests.
Just the other day I heard someone claim to be “a prog rock fan,” so naturally I asked them: Peter Hammill or John Wetton? For true fans, you know the only correct answer is Thom Yorke. Mind you, I was expecting him to get it wrong, it was a bit of a trick question after all… for casuals. But despite my already low expectations, he managed to shock and disappoint me nonetheless. He answered, “Sorry, who?” My jaw dropped. When I asked how long he’s called himself a fan, he told me “about five or so years.” I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry, so I simply shook my head and walked away.
Five. Years. Five years of ignorant posing and no one called his bluff? Clearly the bar is in Hell! That’s what happens when all you have is a bunch of pseudo-keepers running around playing softball with these guys.
So here’s the bottom line: Stop calling yourself a gatekeeper unless you’re committed to harassing normies on at least a daily basis. That’s a small ask, since the O.G.s (original gatekeepers) make it their lifestyle.
But honestly, if you were that guy you wouldn’t need me to tell you what it takes.
Man Nostalgic for Video Store Experience Builds Little Curtain Around Computer for Peeking at Porn
BY CHRIS BOWEN
ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Local millennial and general fiend for nostalgia Andy Bellener recently rigged up a tiny curtain that goes around his personal computer to simulate the device used to hide the pornography section seen at many independent video stores growing up, several perverts report.
“I’ll always remember being a little kid at Sunshine Video and sneaking a peek into the ‘forbidden room’ filled with stuff my brothers and I definitely shouldn’t have been seeing while my parents fought over which Ben Stiller movie they were going to rent,” Bellener explained. “I want to recreate that feeling of excitement. I’ve been so damaged by my access to porn that I’m afraid I don’t feel much of anything anymore. But peeking at it on my laptop through little beads takes me back to a simpler time!”
Andy’s wife Sara Bellener isn’t quite as enthusiastic about the idea of the sleazy curtain and is concerned about how it’s affecting their marriage.
“At first, I thought it was pretty funny and a little bit charming, really. But now it’s hindering our marriage in more ways than one,” Sara Bellener said, adding she believes the curtain has turned her husband into a video store fetishist. “Andy says outright that he can’t perform unless I pop popcorn in the microwave and let it sit there for 6 hours, or unless I rub myself down with old VHS in order to take on their ‘sexy musty odor.’ I just want that idiotic curtain out of my house and my husband back.”
VHS collector Daniel Linholm talks about the wave of video store nostalgia affecting the lives of millennials every day.
“The longing for the days of the mom-and-pop video shop is higher than ever, and that means more and more couples are dealing with the affliction,” Linholm said. “Returning food to grocery stores to avoid late fees, remembering to rewind after unwinding after a long day, and even just renting cars randomly just for that nostalgic feeling of trust you’d get from video store owner to customer. And it’s all tearing young couples apart at an alarming rate.”
At press time, Mr. Bellener was seen cleaning out the disgusting contents some neighborhood kids left in the “dropbox” he had built for his front yard.
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