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Hard Digest March 26: The Supreme Court, Early Access Custody, Edgelords, New Drummer, and More
🕑 Added 2024-03-27 00:00:04 +0000 UTCMale Supreme Court Justices Finally Learn Details About Abortion Pill They’ve Paid for Countless Times
BY WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court heard arguments for and against a ban on the abortion pill, Tuesday, with the male Justices showing a specific interest in learning more about the medication they had collectively spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on in their personal lives.
“I want to make sure I have all the facts before I give any opinion. From what I know, a woman takes the pill, then the baby reaches over into the mother’s stomach and then the baby itself eats the pill? I guess I’m confused how the baby knows to eat that, and but it won’t eat like a bunch of chewed-up Oreos,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who seemed particularly interested not only in the pill but also in the basics of procreation. “I mean, I’ve definitely had sex. Back when I was at Yale I was going to the bone zone every weekend. But back then we practiced safe sex by doing it in a hot tub, because it’s impossible to get pregnant when you’re inside water that temperature.”
The legal team defending access to the pill was visibly frustrated by what seemed to be the male justices’ complete lack of knowledge in matters of women’s health.
“I honestly don’t even know what to say,” remarked a member of the team who preferred to remain anonymous. “Chief Justice Roberts asked if the pill worked by crushing his balls, and when I said ‘no’ he said ‘Please?’ and told me I looked good in my heels. These are by far the dumbest of men I’ve ever come across. Justice Alito asked, after the pill is used, ‘What happens to the stork?’ The stork, and then talked about how green energy like windmills kill migrating birds, which in turn might cause abortions. I just can’t, I’m sorry.”
Constitutional scholar and professor of US History at American University, Dr. Stella Charles says this lack of knowledge around a subject isn’t particularly anything new when it comes to the Supreme Court.
“People like to think the Supreme Court is made up of smart, well-educated people who genuinely care about the people of the United States,” said Dr. Charles. “But you don’t even have to prove you know anything about the Constitution to be appointed. You just have to prove you agree with the senators asking you questions. Think about that. Half of these assholes basically had to get permission from Ted Cruz to be on the court. Fuck, that’s bleak.”
At press time, Justice Thomas was seen wiping away a single tear and whispering “I just wish Scalia was here to see us talk about dirty sex stuff and take more rights away. He would’ve loved it.”
Many Eyes Granted Custody of Every Time I Die Fans, Better Lovers Receives Weekend Visitations
BY BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local judge granted Many Eyes, the new band founded by Ex-Every Time I Die singer Keith Buckley, full legal custody of approximately 250,000 fans of his now former band while the remaining ex-members of the band in Better Lovers will receive limited visitations on weekends, sources confirmed.
“I’m very pleased with the ruling,” Buckley said after being granted responsibility for over a quarter million adult metalcore fans. “The Every Time I Die fanbase deserves to grow up around positive influences like Thursday and Rival Schools and I’m glad the judge saw that. I’m looking forward to giving all of these predominantly 30 and older men a more spiritual upbringing. And don’t tell them, but for Christmas I have a big surprise trip planned to Connecticut to meet Jamey Jasta Claus”
Some fans admitted they were upset with the decision and would prefer to follow Better Lovers, the band founded by the remaining ex-ETID members alongside Dillinger Escape Plan singer Greg Puciato.
“I wanted to go with Better Lovers if I’m honest,” said 36-year-old Every Time I Die fan Robert Perez after learning he would legally need to relocate to Buffalo, New York. ”Keith is great but Greg has really been connecting with us. Last week he taught us how to juggle, jump off a venue balcony into a crowd safely, and blow fire. He was going to take us on a trip for Christmas to one of the last Virgin Megastores to run over the heads of everyone inside but now we have to go to stupid Connecticut instead.
Jonathan Savest, a researcher studying the effects of band breakups, commented that the decision is in line with recent band-fan custody rulings.
“Ever since Sparta and The Mars Volta received joint custody of At the Drive-In’s fans in 2001, we’ve advocated that judges give sole custody to one band over their former band’s fans,” said Savest. “We noticed At the Drive-In fans struggled having to live for two weeks with a very traditional Alt Rock band and the next in a Prog Rock group with a revolving live lineup. However, judges are naturally sympathetic to the singer’s band, especially ones that are reformed from their hard partying early years.”
The decision comes in the wake of recent sightings of other members of The Dillinger Escape Plan in public with their original singer, after previous statements claimed that they were just taking a break.
Opinion: Art Has a Moral Obligation To Create Edgelords
BY Tyler Durden. Donnie Darko. Light Yagami. Three totally different fictional dudes that have nothing in common, except for one thing: They’re three of the greatest characters in fiction. And they’re all literally me. Okay, maybe that’s two things. But so what? Sometimes my ideas are literally too complex to be just one idea. And that’s what I want to literally talk about today: Ideas.
You see lately, the Western mind has become coddled and overly sensitized by people who fear big ideas. And to these people, I just wanna say: Get over yourself! Art has a moral obligation to create edgelords!
People think too black and white these days. They’re literally too quick to think in sky-daddy terms like “good” and “evil.” Let me be clear: there are no real bad guys. There are just people who have been forced to live on the outside margins of “SOCIETY” because they see the darkness of the world for what it is and Big Nurse Milk Mommy doesn’t like it. Let me be clear: In this house, Rick from “Rick and Morty” is not the bad guy. Jigsaw is not the bad guy. Gru from “Despicable Me” is not the bad guy. Those are three brilliant dudes whose intelligence has put them outside of society. And they are all literally me.
And believe me, I have room to talk. I’m an artist too. I write: I write in my journal, on my vintage typewriter and on my own arm constantly. I have written several poems about pain in the dark recesses of my bedroom. Now some people will tell you that’s not a good thing to be doing, that art is about self-expression and joy. But they’re wrong. Art is not about little bunnies frolicking in the meadow. Art is literally about men who like women who like things that men like. Art is about wearing a Guy Fawkes mask all year round, not just on the Fifth of November. Art is about keeping a katana above your bed every night, so that when shit goes down, the blade may taste blood!
People say I shouldn’t be so dark and edgy because I literally grew up in the suburbs. But every awful thing you can think of can be found in suburbia or imported in three business days. Drugs, murders, orgies, hunchbacks. Hunchbacks for sex reasons! You don’t know.
So let me be clear: I’m not for everyone. I’m kindred to Ignatius J. Reilly, Daniel Plainview and several Ryan Gosling characters (BUT NOT KEN). I would rather have dinner with the Phoenix, Leto and Ledger Jokers than a supermodel. I’m going to write Travis Bickle’s name on the ballot in the next election. Because I’ll finally be old enough to vote. If that scares you, then back away little kid… I’m literally not for you. I listen to Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead and the Smiths. I make real art. And if you’re into that… you can subscribe to my substack. I’ll put a link in the comments. Enter, if you dare…
Singer Lifts Replacement Drummer by Scruff of Neck to Introduce Him to Crowd Like Newborn Puppy
BY DOUG KOLIC
GARDEN CITY, Kan. — Local singer of punk band Salmonella Handjob surprised a crowd recently by holding their replacement drummer up by the scruff of his neck like a newborn puppy being introduced to littermates for the first time, according to sources contacting the SPCA.
“Ever since our main drummer Toby went into rehab, we’ve been thinking of a cool way to introduce the new guy to our fans,” stated singer Conrad ‘Fuck Knuckles’ Borkowski. “Reese has a lot of neck fat which was perfect to hoist him up by, just like I do with those pitbulls I breed in the garage. At first he fought and squirmed a little like the dogs do, but when he realized it was all part of the show he embraced it and went with the flow. He even peed on me a little just like the dogs sometimes do. I dunno, maybe that was just the e-collar I put on him being a bit too tight.”
Fans in attendance were shocked to see such a display during a show.
“When Conrad walked out holding someone by their neck we assumed it was an over-exuberant fan being escorted out,” said Corraine Simpson. “But instead, he introduced him as their new drummer, all the while the little guy’s legs just dangled in the air like some kind of animal. It reminded me of the scene from ‘The Lion King’ when Rafiki presents Simbato to the Pride Landers, but in a much more fucked up way. I’m pretty sure that’s not the way you’re supposed to even lift a dog, let alone a human drummer. It’s not like he was the bassist or anything.”
Music expert Niles DeHammer documented how bands often use innovative ways to announce new members.
“It’s not uncommon for bands to make a big to-do about welcoming new members,” explained DeHammer. “Making a spectacle about lineup changes is important to help drive up interest for fans and the press alike. Sometimes a band will unveil a new member on social media or during a live performance. Or you can do what Metallica did when they replaced Jason Newsted with Robert Trujillo by firing him from a cannon into the crowd, which ‘coincidentally’ crushed a few Napster users at the time.”
At press time, the show had to be called off after the SPCA showed up and discovered most of the band had a very transmittable form of kennel cough which posed a severe risk to the air-breathing public.
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Rumored Xbox Handheld Also Rumored to Become PlayStation Handheld
BY MATT FRESH
The widely rumored Xbox Handheld will eventually become a PlayStation handheld after a brief period of exclusivity, sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity said.
Despite not yet being formally announced, inside sources claim that plans are already in place for the Xbox Handheld to eventually also be a PlayStation handheld.
“The idea right now is for the handheld to exclusively play Xbox games for about a year, maybe a little longer. After such time the device will then also be able to play PlayStation games,” said a Microsoft employee who wished to remain anonymous. “In this day and age, exclusivity doesn’t make sense for a handheld. Handheld players leave their homes frequently and exclusives are only really important for those who don’t.”
When asked about the handheld Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer couldn’t comment directly but did have this to say.
“Whether we may or may not be making a handheld I can’t say. What I can say is that Xbox is committed to all gamers regardless of which games you play or what devices you play on. We are so much more than just one device, we’re an ecosystem and we are committed to indoctrinating as many people as possible into that ecosystem. Whether you play our 3 games or PlayStation’s 5 games.”
Xbox fans were not pleased upon hearing the handheld will also eventually play PlayStation games.
“I was really looking forward to an Xbox handheld but not anymore,” said Xbox console war veteran Jim Stotch in a Reddit thread. “For this to play Xbox games and PlayStation games is a slap in the face to all the loyal Xbox fans who stuck with the brand through all the troubled times. I feel betrayed. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
PlayStation fans aren’t thrilled either.
“It’s an insult for our beautiful, sexy games to be played on an Xbox device,” said PlayStation console war veteran Mark Pepper in a different Reddit thread. “I’ll stick with my Playstation Portal and remain in my mom’s house thank you very much”
At press time, gamers interested in a handheld that plays Xbox and PlayStation games have been buying Steam Decks.
Boeing CEO Steps Down Amid Reports That He’s Got a Few Screws Loose
BY ARLINGTON, VA—Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun has reportedly stepped down from the company following reports that, not unlike some Boeing planes, the CEO himself has a few screws loose.
“I get it, I get it. People are angry because it seems like we’re focusing more on shareholder value than the safety of our aircrafts,” Calhoun said. “But why is everyone so mad about the door flying off? At least no one died. Obviously the same can’t be said for that one Lion Air flight. Or that Ethiopian Airlines flight. But those weren’t in the US so it was a lot easier to get away with. USA! USA! USA!”
“Finance is so complicated,” Calhoun continued, “and what makes or breaks businesses can vary depending on industry. My personal business philosophy can be best tied to this airplane shaped piggy bank.” Calhoun then picked up the object and proceeded to make “PBBBBBTTTTTT” airplane noises with his lips.
Frequent Boeing flier Sam Gregorio was incredulous.
“He’s not leaving until the end of 2024,” Gregorio said. “What’s even the point? He still has months to keep making bad decisions for the company. How many more doors are going to fall off before this guy actually leaves his job? And are we supposed to believe he’s the only one responsible for all this? Is he really that nuts?”
CFO Brian West confirmed the change in power was for good reason.
“While we are sad to hear about Dave’s departure, it is for the better, as he’s clearly lost it — the evidence is right there in plane sight. What really matters in the world of aviation, where we trap 300 paying customers on a metal tube that hurtles through pressurized air for a few hours, is shareholder value. Our stock is already up 2.5%. Sure, we messed up. We’re human, after all. Just humans ignoring humans who raise problems with our products. Maybe everyone has a few screws loose. Like John Barnett, the whistleblower that definitely killed himself.”
At press time, Calhoun was spotted running through the Boeing campus with his arms out to his sides, “flying.”
Nickelodeon Announces End of Controversial ‘Take a Pedophile to Work Day’
BY DOUG KOLIC
NEW YORK – In response to disturbing abuse claims made in the new ID docuseries Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV, Nickelodeon CEO Brian Robbins announced that effectively immediately, all future “Take a Pedophile to Work Days” will be shelved.
“We are dismayed and saddened to learn of the trauma alleged in this new documentary,” said Robbins very carefully, surrounded by his legal representatives. “We want the public and more importantly our advertisers to know that such abuses will never happen again because we’ve decided, almost unanimously, to get rid of our controversial ‘Take a Pedophile to Work Day.’”
The move was welcomed by some, but others felt the communications and roll out were sloppy.
“It could have been handled better,” one insider said under condition of anonymity. “At least give people a few days to prepare for the change, not just an email saying you’ve been kicked off the company slack and won’t be invited back for future days.”
Parent Colleen Williams, whose kids had a casting call for a new show on the network, gave her opinion on the matter.
“I’m happy that they’re getting rid of it and honestly I don’t think they should have ever had it in the first place,” Williams said. “It’s disappointing, but it’s also comforting to know that there’s still a lot of good people here who worked with Dan Schneider and Brian Peck who had no clue about what was going on literally right in front of their faces.”
HR Expert Holly Franklin described how companies use different methods to boost morale.
“Every workplace tries to engage staff in different ways,” described Franklin. “I’ve never heard of a company going this far, but it seems like a lot of the content was almost exclusively created for that audience so you might as well have the experts there.”
At press time documentary filmmakers were recommending parents get their kids into a safer industry like amateur stunt work or maybe roofing.
MrBeast Successfully Mates With MrsBeast After Months of Work by Zookeepers
BY Greenville, N.C. — According to a press release by a team of top zoologists at universities around the world, MrBeast has successfully bred with a MrsBeast for the first time in captivity.
The team behind the result, a working group of zoologists from various disciplines, said that the result was a culmination of thousands of hours of work and millions in private funding – including the development of new machines and processes.
“Pandas were a fucking cakewalk compared to this” said Dr. Franz Klein, who has a PhD in Zoology from University of Glendale, Winston-Salem campus. “What we did here is nothing short of revolutionary.”
Klein, who was close friends with “Grizzly Man” Timothy Treadwell, said he and his fellow experts had never seen anything like the bizarre and, “deeply troubling,” mating behaviors they observed by MrBeast and MrsBeast.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” one scientist who asked not to be identified as they believe the process bordered on unethical, said. “We had guys quitting every single day. They get one glance at the mating ritual and they quit right there on the spot. I’m still uncomfortable with what we saw and what we encouraged. I think we went too far. The public should have been part of the process. You can’t mess with nature like this in a lab without input from elected officials.”
Asked where MrsBeast was originally found, Klein declined to comment. “I’ve received a number of letters from top U.S. officials informing me that information about MrsBeast’s origins are considered classified.”
When pressed, Klein deflected by reciting some of MrBeast’s displays of “impressive mental stamina” as a sort of off-putting courting ritual of MrsBeast – including burying himself alive and according to notes “removing his entire personality from his body.”
At press time the scientists confirmed the whole thing would indeed be part of a new YouTube channel they were starting, urging anyone in the peer review process to like and subscribe.
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