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Hard Digest March 29: Early Access Ghost, Dogs, Flash Animation, Finances, and More
🕑 Added 2024-03-30 00:00:07 +0000 UTCGhost Plays Show With Hotel Wastebaskets Over Heads After Luggage Containing Masks Gets Lost at Airport
BY CHRIS BOWEN
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Occult rockers Ghost performed their entire show with wastebaskets from a local Marriott on their heads after TSA lost their trademark masks in transit, several of the band’s apologists report.
“When we got to our hotel rooms and we all noticed that our masks were missing, the panic immediately set in,” one of the band’s eight Nameless Ghouls explained. “Knowing how quickly Tobias…err uhh Papa Emeritus…could fire us, we knew we had to act fast. One Ghoul suggested we just go out there with our shirts pulled over our heads like we’re about to get into a hockey fight or something. Another said we should just not cover our faces at all. Though that was a pretty good idea, using small trash bins as masks seemed far less silly and embarrassing. I don’t think anyone in the crowd even noticed.”
Many Ghost fans in the audience felt that they were witnessing a new, special chapter in the band’s career.
“When Ghost finally hit the stage, I knew something just seemed different than the previous 14 times I’d seen them,” superfan Erin Martinez explained. “It could’ve been the used tissues and banana peels strewn all over the stage and their clothes. Or maybe it was all the flies buzzing around their heads. I’m not sure, but I dig the new look. Not only does it give them a new refreshing sense of character, it’s also impressive to watch them perform an entire show constantly bumping into each other and no one getting seriously injured. I’m here for it.”
Tina Rucksfeld has witnessed many bands lose important stage gear in transit over her 35+ years working for the TSA.
“Legend has it that so many bands have lost stuff here at the airport in Rochester, it’s regarded as a portal to a different dimension,” Rucksfeld said. “I remember one time, Steven Tyler lost his bag of microphone stand cloth while traveling here to play a concert. Apparently, he used Burger King and McDonald’s burger wrappers that night in place of them. He tried to sue us, but the case was dropped, and I ended up with a brand new set of rags to polish my antique porcelain clown dolls with.”
At press time, many Ghost haters claimed the waste basket stunt had already been done by Mercyful Fate and Blue Oyster Cult decades ago.
Help! My Boyfriend Is 5 Years Older Than Me And Won’t Stop Making References to Early 2000s Flash Animations I Don’t Understand
BY STEPHEN BELL
Me and my boyfriend Mark started dating a little bit ago and he’s great and everything but there is a slight age gap between us. I’m 25 and he’s 30 which isn’t a big deal in terms of age differences, but lordy I did not expect those years to make that big of a difference when it came to understanding certain referential bits of humor. Mainly in that he keeps referring to early 2000s flash animations and I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about.
It all started when I told him to slow down while driving because the speed limit was 55 and he started saying “Schfifty-Five” a lot while calling me a little girl and saying that his IQ was also Schfifty-Five. Suddenly he’s giggling like a small child and I have no idea what’s so funny.
Later on we were talking about how North Korea was doing that thing where it pretends it’s going to nuke everyone again. He starts rambling about how it’ll really start when the US decides to take on those “Chinese sons of bitches” and how the French will be too “le tired” to do anything about it while Australia is all like “WTF.” His analysis of the situation did not calm my nerves and I thought maybe he was a racist for a second until he explained it was another cartoon he watched.
He offered to show me all of these things and asked if I had even heard of AlbinoBlackSheep which confused me more because that’s an oxymoron which I realize is the joke. He then asked me about watching stuff on NewGrounds and while I have heard of it, to be honest most of the stuff hosted there has made its way to YouTube so I’ve never needed to visit it. He tried to get me to watch something called the ‘Demented Cartoon Movie” but I just didn’t get it. It was completely asinine because there were no jokes, just randomness. Like it seemed like the type of thing only a 10-year-old would laugh at. Which I guess is how old he was when he first watched it.
I will say that I did know who Trogdor was but for the wrong reasons. I only knew about Trogdor because that song was featured on “Guitar Hero 2” but when he mentioned someone named “Strongbad” and asked if I ever wanted to be a member of the “Teen Girl Squad” I was lost again.
It’s not all bad though. We eventually found that we both enjoyed watching “Charlie The Unicorn” and spent the rest of the night talking about going to “Candy Mountain.” That shit’s much funnier than any kamikaze watermelon ever could be.
Woman Knows Name and Birthday of Every Dog in Neighborhood But Cannot Remember Name of Any Human Neighbors
BY LOS ANGELES — Local woman Carmen Montozo admitted to knowing intimate details about each dog in her neighborhood while failing to learn the names of any one of her human neighbors, confirmed multiple sources who also don’t know her name.
“It’s kind of funny that I see the same seven people every single day of my life and I don’t know a single thing about them. But I know their dog’s name, their birthdays, any recent health concerns, their favorite treats, their style of play, and that’s just the beginning,” said Montozo. “Take Pepper for example, she’s a border collie mix that was rescued in Mexico and adopted out through Mutt Scouts. She doesn’t like when someone touches her paws, and she takes Trifexis as her flea and tick medication. I have her owner’s phone number in my phone if they ever need a dog sitter, but he’s just in there as ‘Pepper’s Dad.’ I think his name might be Robert, or maybe it’s Mike. I know he drives a Subaru.”
Matt MacDonald is a dog owner who frequently runs into Montozo while walking his Husky named Abby.
“I got Abby about four years ago and that’s when I met, uh, I think her name might be Mary or something. I wouldn’t say she and I are friends, but Abby absolutely loves her. She brought a huge cake to Abby’s third birthday that she made herself. All the other dogs from the neighborhood were invited and I can confidently say I didn’t know a single name of any person there,” said MacDonald. “It would just be too awkward to ask someone their name at this point. I usually just address the dog owners by calling them ‘Big guy,’ or ‘Chief.’ Unless I’m talking to the guy who owns a German Shepherd named Chief, I usually just say ‘There he is’ any time I see him.”
Social psychologist Dr. Aram Medvedian says it’s very common for humans to become more attached to dogs than their neighbors.
“It’s pretty simple, dogs are apolitical, humans are not. A dog will never start talking about how Trump will run this country like a business, or claim Israel can do whatever it wants to ‘defend themselves,’” said Dr. Medvedian. “So instead of having actual conversations with the dog’s owner it’s easiest to just ask the dog a semi-rhetorical question like ‘who’s a good boy?’ and ‘show me that tail wag?’”
At press time, Montozo was agonizing over which dog she would vote for as the ceremonial mayor of the neighborhood.
Photo by Brianna Tuma-Marcella.
How I Stopped Buying $5 Coffees Every Day for 5 Years, Saved Nearly $10,000, and Still Find Myself on the Brink of Financial Collapse After One Flat Tire and Medical Bill
BY You guys! I finally did it and accomplished the unthinkable. I stopped going to Starbucks before work every day, and after five years, I’m no better off than I was before deciding to forgo the one thing that actually gets me out of bed in the morning. In fact, I had car troubles during the same week I needed to go in for an emergency root-canal, and I probably won’t recover from the out-of-pocket expenses for at least six months. But hey, fiscal responsibility, amiright?
For as long as I can remember, my parents told me that I’d never be able to afford a down payment on my dream house if I treated myself to a latte every morning. So I stopped. But there’s one issue that needs to be considered: I only saved $10,000, which is nowhere near what I would need for a down payment on a house, or even a nice car now that I think about it. Not to mention that making coffee at home isn’t free either. Heck, I even reuse old grounds sometimes because eggs are about to be $9 a dozen again and I have to cut corners somewhere. Sure, I didn’t treat myself to anything for five years, but the money’s gone anyway.
If you’re an older reader, I’ll bet you’re thinking that I spent too much money on my iPhone. Well, you’re probably forgetting the fact that my iPhone is actually my boss!
First of all, without a smartphone, how am I supposed to pick up a shift as a Door-Dasher? I’ve got to supplement my income somehow because I haven’t gotten a raise at my office job in three years despite the fact that half of the branch was laid off and I got all of this extra work dumped on me.
Secondly, I need my iPhone to do a quick Google search for “broken arm home remedy” because I don’t have health insurance and I need to somehow justify the $150 phone bill I pay every month. Since I’m apparently not allowed to put avocados on toasted bread and post it to Instagram, I figured I’d teach myself how to fashion a makeshift splint out of plywood and old underwear while biting on a piece of tile and waiting for the unskippable YouTube ad to run its course so I can administer first aid from the comfort of the studio apartment I share with three other roommates.
But I’m as frugal as frugal can be. Here’s a list of other things I don’t allow myself to enjoy because I decided to go to art school when I was 18: streaming, dining out, ride-sharing, getting drinks with friends, going to shows, paying my water bill, and turning the heat on.
Now, you may want to ask, “Are you suffering?” Yes, immeasurably! But I’m one slow-drip cup of Maxwell House closer to financial stability.
Just kidding, I’m going to die like this.
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Fast-Rising Valorant Rookie Begins Slur Training
BY MATT FRESH
DALLAS — Jon “SnipeSmoke” Straiham a Valorant rookie who has been quickly rising through the competitive scene, has confirmed that he is set to begin slur training.
Straiham has taken the Valorant competitive scene by storm recently and is ready to fully round out his game.
“I’m ready to step my game up and get to the next level. I know I’m really good at the fundamentals like map awareness and shooting but anyone can be good at that, what separates the casuals from the pros is your skill at hurling slurs and both friend and foe,” said Straiham.
“I grew up in a pretty progressive household where my parents taught us to respect others and be mindful of offensive language which is useless if you want to play Valorant at a high level. I’ve got the best coaches with me and I’m ready to learn.”
One such coach is 25-year-old retired Valorant pro Noah “MamaKakaBoBoDay” Marks.
“I’m really grateful to have the chance to foster the next generation of Valorant. Jon’s parents’ teachings really did a number on him in terms of progressiveness, he’s still instinctually calling out microaggressions and the like which is a real problem but he’s a great kid and I know he’s gonna be shouting slurs like the best of them in no time,” said Marks
Straiham starts his training soon and is looking forward to the experience.
“We’re gonna start with the basics, Homophobia and Misogyny 101 before moving on to more advanced things like Alt-Right stuff. I’m pretty excited, Noah is one of the greatest of all time, and to be learning how to scream slurs from the guy who went on a 13-minute anti-Semitic tirade against his own team after he got killed rushing the enemy by himself is a dream come true,” said Straiham
At press time, Straiham is currently reading through hundreds of 4chan gaming forum posts and YouTube comments to learn as many slurs as possible.
Review Bombing? This Bad Game Is Getting Bad Reviews
BY CHARLES BILL
Another shameful display by gamers today as they collectively review bombed Cat’s Cradle 3, a terrible game.
“I just don’t understand it,” said lead Cat’s Cradle 3 developer Tom Pontius. “All we want to do is develop and release underbaked and uninteresting games, and then gamers jump on us out of nowhere with negative reviews just because our game sucks. What gives these gamers the right to provide negative feedback if our product is incomplete? The worst part is our game isn’t woke at all, so we can’t even blame it on those types of gamers.”
Despite committing heinous crimes against game developers, one review bombing terrorist came out of the shadows to give their side of the story.
“I just don’t like the game,” explained insatiable gamer troglodyte Jenna Luzio. “I paid sixty bucks for this thing and it ends up running horribly on my PC. Then I have to walk everywhere because fast travel is only included as DLC. I don’t want to pay more money to play the game I already paid for! So I left a scathing review, hopefully no one else buys this game and makes the same mistake I did, [because I am part of an insidious conspiracy working against game companies to ruin their sales by review bombing].”
Review bombing is not a new thing, masses coming together to inappropriately slander a subpar piece of media has existed since time immemorial.
“Shakespeare once wrote an atrocious play,” explained historian of criticism Pat Quince. “Instead of doing the polite thing, and pretending it was great, the evil patrons of the Globe review bombed the play by telling their friends it was bad. Seeing this pattern continue over time and still be an institutional ill of our society is very distressing to me. It reminds me of how gamers in the 80s review bombed the ET video game and forced them to bury it in a landfill. I don’t see why consumers have to say when they don’t like a product, it’s frankly disrespectful and immature.”
At press time another innocent developer tragically fell prey to the review bombing gamer mob after releasing a AAA title with recycled assets and outdated gameplay.
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