thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest April 2: Clickhole Rent-A-Headline, Early Access Bill Nye, Cat Lovers, Rockabilly, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-03 00:00:05 +0000 UTCStraight Edge Band Breaks Edge On Stage 5 Minutes Into First Show
BY BOSTON — Members of local straight edge band Hard Pass reportedly broke edge in front of a small crowd within minutes of taking the stage at their first show, confirmed multiple heartbroken sources.
“When I claimed edge eight months ago I thought it would be a lifelong pledge, but the pressures of being in a band, school, and working part-time FYE got to be pretty overwhelming. Breaking edge during our second song just seemed like the right time, and I’m glad my other band members were there to back me up,” said Hard Pass frontman Eli Coulstring who just celebrated his 21st birthday. “When I started screaming the lyric ‘These Xs on my hand mean “fuck you”‘ I realized it was all kind of silly. Our drummer Tommy was lying about being straight edge anyway just to be in the band, as soon as he saw me crack a beer I could see the look of relief on his face, it was like he had been holding in a fart for months and finally got to let it all out.”
Longtime, and potentially only, fan of the band Joey Bartlett was distraught by the actions of the band.
“When these guys released their two-song demo on Bandcamp it changed the face of the straight edge scene. The lyrics to ‘The Edge of Annihilation’ are some of the most poignant we’ve seen in years touching on themes of betrayal, mental clarity, and veiled misogyny,” said Bartlett. “I made sure I was there early for the first show, memorized all the lyrics I could, but when everyone on stage just started chugging beers I nearly collapsed. It really wish I didn’t get a Hard Pass tattoo covering most of my back, I feel kind of stupid now.”
Scene historian Emma Gomez admitted she was not surprised by the band’s sudden turn.
“Usually a band will break edge after they release an album or two. Then they hide the fact they broke edge for as long as possible so they don’t lose out on getting booked,” said Gomez. “But that was the old days. Bands now have to do whatever they can to stand out. Honestly I’m surprised they broke edge by drinking a beer, if they really wanted to make a statement they should have started smoking a new hybrid drug from the swamps of Florida.”
At press time, each edge breaking member of Hard Pass announced they would be hosting their own dance night featuring the music of The Smiths.
Substitute Lead Singer Wheels in TV to Show “Bill Nye” Episodes Instead of Practice
BY JOE RUMRILL
LATROBE, Penn. — Members of indie-noise act Timid Toucan were excited to find that their rehearsal would have a substitute lead singer today who wheeled in a TV to show episodes of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” out of apparent laziness, sources confirmed amid hushed anticipation.
“When I first heard our singer was sick and was sending in a sub, I’ll be honest, I was pretty pumped to mess with them. I had my whoopee cushion all ready, and me and the other guys made a plan to all turn our amps around if they ever left the room. But when he wheeled in that cart with the big TV strapped to it, I was at rapt attention,” said bass player Lon Benchley, as he bopped his head along to a song parody about static electricity. “I may be physically here in this cramped practice space, but mentally? I’m rushing off the school bus to make sure I didn’t miss the theme song so I could chant ‘Bill! Bill! Bill!’ along with it. I hope the photosynthesis one is next, I could really use a refresher on that!”
The substitute for the day, Mr. Breward, defended his decision to have “movie day” in lieu of actual practice.
“I know it looks like I’m just going through the motions to run out the clock, but, confidentially, ‘rock musician’ isn’t really my main gig. It’s just a way to pay the bills while I can follow my true dream of subbing over at Franklin Middle School full-time,” remarked Breward as he ignored a band member getting up on the kick drum and dancing to impress the others. “I know it seems like a long shot, since the real substitute teaching business is such a tough one to break into, but I really think if I buckle down and grind away at these garage band rehearsals, they’ll have to notice me and get me in a real science classroom at some point. Things have to work out, they just HAVE to!”
Bill Nye himself encouraged the practice of substitutes relying on his past work to occupy child and child-like minds.
“Simply put: I make bank on the residuals every time an unprepared sub or paraprofessional throws on a few episodes of my old show. I’m not sure how they track those things, but every few weeks a few hundred thousand dollar checks come to my solar-powered mailbox and I can keep fighting the good fight without having to do an iPhone commercial or something,” sighed Nye, while relaxing on a remote sandy beach in nothing but a speedo and bowtie, sipping a coconut cocktail through a Krazy Straw. “Same thing goes for other sub-day viewing mainstays like the Zooboomafoo lemur and the entire cast and crew of 1999’s coming-of-age science drama ‘October Sky,’ who are all just down the beach there. Isn’t that wild?”
At press time, the band was thrilled to be promised that, if they behave through the next episode, they can put their heads down on their amps and play a round of “heads up seven up.”
Oh, You’re a Cat Lover Name Three Insane Things the Parasites in Your Brain Have Compelled You To Do
BY NATHAN KAMAL
Huh, that’s sure some graphic tee you’re wearing. Let me take a closer look at the image you’re so casually walking around displaying; seems like it’s a cartoon tabby with hearts for eyes with the words “cat lover” under it. So, I’m guessing you think you’re a cat lover. How ‘bout, if you’re such an aficionado of the feline variety, you name me three insane things that the parasites nestled in your brain have compelled you to do for a cat’s amusement.
You heard me. If you’re such a cat lover, tell me three bizarre, inexplicable actions you have performed because you’re infected with Toxoplasma gondii, the insidious microscopic organism that cats use to control the brains and souls of their owners and also rats.
This shouldn’t be so hard, buddy. You think it’s cool to walk around with a cartoon cat on your shirt and not be able to immediately mention how you feel compelled by parasites in your brain to walk repeatedly into a door just to make your pretty little kitten happy for a moment? Well, it’s fucking not, poser.
I bet you’ve never even woken up out of a dead sleep to sleepily stumble to Petco, buy 75 cans of wet food, slap a cashier across the face for no reason you can explain, get arrested, and spend your time in jail skittering across the floor like a braindead rat. That’s what being a true cat lover is all about.
And how about this? You name even a single time that you’ve collected all the loose fur your cat, President William Henry Hairysson, shed and turned it into a Jamiroquai-like hat that you wore to church and then got excommunicated for.
Literally, name one single time.
Honestly, people like you give parasites a bad name. You act like putting a fucking lame-ass feline on a shirt proves that you actually love cats. You probably don’t even like cats. A loser like you would be lucky to respect cats for their many fine qualities.
Now, I gotta get out of here, because the toxoplasma coursing through my brain and destroying my nervous system is telling me that I need to rob a bank and use all the money on shiny, shiny pieces of foil that President Hairysson would love.
Rockabilly Guy Caught Using Upright Bass in Wig for Carpool Lane
BY JOE RUMRILL
NEWINGTON, Conn. — Avowed rockabilly lifer Hanson “Hoo-Doo” Mattimore was arrested by local traffic officials for placing an upright bass in a wig in his car’s front passenger seat in order to use the diamond lane, sources confirmed amid excessive engine revving.
“Look, when you’ve got a Coupe De Ville this cherry, you want to drive that baby as fast as possible. My only crime was custom-jobbing it so she has a convertible top. If my bass’ wig hadn’t flown off on the freeway, I’da been home scott-free, you dig me?” said Mattimore, with an Elvis-like drawl affectation to his voice that the Connecticut native was clearly not born with. “It’s my own fault for constantly needing to feel the wind in my pompadour. If I had only kept that top up, I could have passed off that bass as my nine-months pregnant passenger, and we coulda been speeding to ‘the hospital’ at light speed! Sakes alive, how’s a fella supposed to strut his stuff while going the speed limit?!”
Traffic enforcement official Meredith Menedez wasn’t fooled by the fraudulent carpool attempt in the slightest.
“Well, I’ll be honest, the guy aroused my suspicions right from the jump. Most rockabilly guys, we find, are rarely with another person, as they’re pretty insufferable to anyone who doesn’t share their dated, archaic views and hep-cat ‘lingo.’ See, even me saying ‘lingo’ just now was pushing it for me,” said Menendez. “To make matters more obvious, this guy led me straight to a drag race full of about a dozen other ‘greasers’ breaking the law (and singing about doing it, for some reason) where I made a number of additional arrests. Some for actual crimes, others for simply being annoying and too into a bygone era.”
Most upset over the arrest was Jarvis Fencer, Mattimore’s boss at the hardware store where he’s employed.
“I was supposed to go out on a date with Hanson’s sister, who was unfortunately implicated in the process as she was riding shotgun at the time, after I had caught the two driving around as he was skipping work. Oh, she had the most beautiful hair, long attractive neck, and body as sexy as it is hollow. I hope she gets out soon for good behavior,” said Fencer, who apparently wants to make out with this bass he thinks is a human woman. “And then, we can meet up and she can show me her bad behavior, if you know what I mean. Until then, I’ll have to just think of her sultry low, low, extreeeeeemely low voice.”
After the judge’s ruling, Mattimore was reportedly excited at the prospect of finally being able to fact check the lyrics to “Jailhouse Rock.”
More From The Hard Times:
Flying Too Close to the Sun: The Top 20 Musicians Who Thought They Could Act, Succeeded, and in Their Hubris Attempted Brain Surgery
New Diablo 4 Update Will Revolutionize How You Press and Hold Left Mouse Button
BY LUKE DAMMANN
An upcoming Diablo IV update will reportedly revolutionize how players hold down the left mouse button.
“We have been working on finalizing this exciting update for quite some time,” said head of Blizzard development Robert Sebastian. “This is something the team is really excited about and we hope it will give players even more freedom from the rather complicated multi-button games out there.”
The new update will reportedly allow Diablo IV players to bind every single action in the game to one key, granting them the ability to slay thousands of demons with the literal push of a button.
“Players could theoretically make a milkshake, call a friend, or even file their taxes while also taking on over 45,000 enemies,” said Sebastian. “Players can move forward and backward, shoot fireballs and reanimate corpses with just this one button. And you won’t even need to press it as many times anymore.”
Diablo IV players said they welcomed the update, as ultimately just clicking away to annihilate hordes of demons, monsters, and other ugly things can become a bit burdensome.
“I kinda fell off after playing the game a bit in the beginning,” said Dan Publin. “Using both my hands to grind really caused a lot of strain, both physically and mentally. This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m ready to give it another go.”
“The original idea was to add a “Win Now” button to Diablo IV,” said gameplay manager Logan Shugdun. “But we discovered players wanted to have at least a little input in the game. With the new one-button feature, which we are calling Diablo: Express, players don’t need to worry about remembering complicated key bindings.”
At press time, Blizzard is also reportedly working on adding the new feature inside Diablo IV’s in-game store, streamlining the shopping process for players by allowing them to buy every cosmetic with a single click.
Op-Ed: Mom, I Can’t Pause Online Game Discourse
BY NICK COFFMAN
Ihear you, Mom, but I can’t come downstairs for my macaroni and cheese dinner right now. If I leave this online gaming discourse my team is going to lose. And if we lose, that’s the end of gaming as we know it.
My team needs me to play support. While they’re on the attack, beating down the other team, I’m researching. I’m feeding their talking-points with tangentially related stats from all corners of the web. I set them up, they knock them down.
Mashed potatoes? I don’t have time for fact checking, do you really think I have time for mashed potatoes, mom?
We’re on the defensive. The opposition is pushing hard on us. They’re flanking from all angles. We can’t be ourselves anywhere. We’re backed into a corner on X, and 4Chan, and Reddit, and Facebook. We fight on those fronts, posting and reposting for a better future. For the future of the generations to come.
Mountain Dew Major Melon? Leave it on my desk and let me work, mom.
A new post on r/KotakuinAction is up. Had to share my thoughts on a recent thinkpiece from a YouTuber I’ve never disagreed with. Slid into the DMs of a buddy who was recently ratioed on X.
This is my generation’s World War 2. You always told me it was important to fight for what I believe in, right? Well, that’s what I’m doing right now. The other side is afraid of us. They know what we are capable of. We are fighting for a future where there is a market for people like us: people who spend all day online arguing. Our cause is true and just. And that’s why we will win.
There’s simply no time for dinner. Only winners eat and I’m hungry for victory, mom.
More From Hard Drive:
How to Make the Most of That Fighting Game You Bought Because the Characters Looked Really Cool
