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Hard Digest April 3: Disney, Early Access Alkaline Trio, Hockey, Leftovers, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-04 00:00:13 +0000 UTCNew Disney Movie Teaches Kids The Magical Whimsy of Maximizing Shareholder Value
BY BURBANK, Calif. — Disney announced at their latest board meeting that their latest film would teach kids the real-world magic that is economics, particularly maximizing shareholder value, confirmed. excited adults wearing Mickey Mouse ears to work.
“Jesus fucking Christ, what happened? This is one of the largest companies in America, home to some of the most iconic children’s films in the world, and we’ve just gone to absolute shit,” said Bob Iger while flipping through a calendar that has his planned retirement date circled in red five times. “There are only so many live versions we can make of cartoon movies. Maybe we should remake a few remakes? Fuck. I’m shooting blanks here. I mean, I had to come out of retirement to help drag this company out of Deathly Hallows. Wait. That’s Universal’s IP. Fucking delete that. Well, this film should succeed because life imitates art. Or is it art imitates life? Ahh, who gives a fuck, art’s not profitable!”
The film is positioned to do well, as indicated by responses from local children, including 10-year-old Johnny Lipton who has dressed as Buzz Lightyear on Halloween for the past four year.
“Yeah, I mean, who believes in magic anymore? I’ve been inundated with internet nonsense since before I had the capacity for abstract thought. I saw on my mom’s Instagram feed at age 6 that Santa wasn’t real,” said Lipton while opening his Robinhood app to purchase more Disney stock. “I know I’m just going to be another cog in the capitalist machine in 10 years, so might as well max out my bank account. Magic might not be real, and economics is just a system we created to attribute value to labor, but if I must labor, might as well get my fucking money’s worth.”
Nelson Peltz, who failed to gain a spot on Disney’s board of directors, seemed a bit confused about the company’s downfall.
“I don’t understand why the entertainment industry, an already unstable entity that quite literally uses the same economic logic as gambling in a casino, is doing so poorly,” said Peltz while rubbing his leathery hands together. “They only threaten writer jobs with AI, pay everyone shit wages, and continue to hire incompetent family members. Why wouldn’t anyone want to write the next Disney Classic film? If I got elected to the board of directors, things would’ve started looking a little different. I’d like to see a few movies about an older man that joins a high school football team and wins the big game, I’m just spitballing here.”
At press time, Disney announced plans to merge with HBO-Discovery-Warner Brothers stating that there is no need to separate kid’s media anymore as children no longer have childhoods anyway.
Hockey Arena DJ Waiting for Perfect Moment to Play “Welcome to the Jungle”
BY ZACHARY WOLF
DETROIT — Little Caesars Arena DJ Richard King is waiting for the perfect moment to play “Welcome to the Jungle” during a Detroit Red Wings game, according to sources unsuccessfully trying to sing the ‘sha-na-na-na-na-na knees’ part of the song.
“It’s a lot of pressure, DJ’ing a hockey game” said King while cueing up “Cotton Eye Joe” for the next break in play. “I’m worried that if I play ‘Welcome to the Jungle’’ at the wrong time it won’t whip the crowd into a frenzy like I know it should. It could get us going right before a power play, but then what if a fight breaks out? Then what will I do? We can only play songs once, and I don’t want to be left in the lurch. What if we go to overtime? ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ would certainly set the mood. ‘Enter Sandman’ is a backup I suppose, but I think the world agrees that we can bench that one for a while.”
Detroit Red Wings Hall-of-Famer Nicklas Lidstrom knows all about in-arena music affecting games.
“We should have won the cup in 2010, “reported Lidstrom while lamenting that he left Sweden to live in Detroit. “But some idiot played ‘Cherry Pie’ by Warrant right before the last faceoff. With only seconds to go I had the puck on my stick, and the other team’s goalie was out of position, but instead of burying it in the net to tie the game I thought ‘Fucking Warrant? Really?’! Well, that distracted me long enough for their goalie to make the save and win the cup. I personally blame that loss on DJ Richard King, because we should have had back-to-back cups that year.”
Guns n Roses vocalist Axl Rose offered his two cents on the matter.
“I don’t know what hockey is, I don’t want to know, and if anybody tries to explain it to me I’ll scream until the cops come,” said Rose as he tried on Slash’s sunglasses. “But I do know that I’ll personally sue any DJ that improperly plays GNR songs. And that includes that no-good DJ Ashba. Dude gives me the willies.”
At press time King was being beaten up by the Detroit Red Wings for accidentally playing “Rock and Roll Part II” after a goal.
Help! One of My Mom’s Friends Said “Save Some for Me!” When I Posted a Picture of My Dinner Online, But Now it’s 3 a.m. and She’s Standing On My Front Lawn With a Tupperware and a Hungry Look in Her Eyes
BY Are you a fan of the home invasion horror subgenre? Because I think I’m living in a straight-to-streaming B-movie nightmare as I type out what may very well be my last entry. It all started this afternoon when I posted a picture of my Chinese takeout on Instagram. My mom’s friend, Susan, was the first to comment with “SAVE SOME FOR ME!” in all caps with one of those old-school colon-dash-parenthesis emoticons of yesteryears.
Jokingly, and in good faith, I told Susan, “Come on over, there’s plenty to go around ;-p,” and it now seems that she has taken me up on my offer. I thought nothing of it when I typed out my playful invitation. That is until I fell asleep on the couch and was woken up by my dog pawing at the window in distress. I peered sleepily through the front window, and there was Susan, with a crazed look in her eyes, wearing a plastic lobster bib and holding a single-use fork and knife.
I slowly returned the blinds to their closed position, but her ravenous gaze locked onto my subtle, but not quite subtle enough movement. She hungrily bellowed, “I hope you saved me an egg roll!” I quickly crawled over to the front door to confirm that the deadbolt was locked. When I parted the blinds once more, her steamy, impatient breath was already fogging up the window and her eyes, now level with my own, were glowing crimson. She tapped her plastic fork on the window and monotonously said, “sweetie, please open up… I’m just taking you up on your offer. I won’t be a bother, I promise.”
Shutting the blinds once more, I reached for the landline because my cell phone was on the charger upstairs. And wouldn’t you know it…the line was cut. Whether Susan cut through the wire with her plastic knife, or simply gnawed through it is up for debate, but given the crazed look in her eyes, I’m assuming the latter.
As I sat on the floor collecting my thoughts, her hand burst through the mail slot clutching a moist towelette. I swatted at her hand as hard as humanly possible and her voice pitched down at least three octaves before letting out the most ungodly shriek I have ever heard in my life. She scampered off into the darkness like a wounded gazelle, but I know she’s still out there lurking, waiting for me to show a moment of weakness. Waiting for me to let my guard down.
I’m typing this on a Google Doc so it automatically uploads to the cloud just in case anything happens to me. I don’t know what Susan is capable of. She always seemed like a nice lady, but now I’m not so –
What was that?
It sounded like my upstairs window just slid open. I need to grab a baseball bat or a shovel from the garage before it’s too late. I fear for my life. More importantly, I fear for my leftovers. I really couldn’t afford to get takeout in the first place, and the General Tso’s Chicken that’s congealing in my fridge has to at least get me through lunch tomorrow. If I don’t live through this, please heed my advice, and don’t ever, under any circumstances post a pic–
Alkaline Trio World Tour Includes Obligatory Symbolic Date In Transylvania
BY JAMES KNAPP
TRANSYLVANIA — Acclaimed spook-punk band Alkaline Trio announced a purely symbolic tour date in remote settlement “The Village of Unspeakable Horrors” during their ongoing “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs” tour, sources eager to immerse themselves in Transylvanian culture confirmed.
“We always like to have a little fun and put a Transylvania date in every tour. Like February 30th in Transylvania, because it’s spooky, and we like being spooky. Someday we might actually go there, have ‘human blood’ in our rider just to see what happens,” said Matt Skiba. “Just thinking about the motherland helps us as a band to get back to our roots. We always come away from our hypothetical Transylvania show feeling reinvigorated, inspired, and like there is a dark cloud of unimaginable terror constantly looming over us–like how true artists should feel.
Despite the band’s optimism, a Transylvanian villager known only as “Sergiu the Clubfoot” had an ominous warning for them.
“Beware, triplets of the Alkali. The rending of souls is soon to be commenced,” began Sergiu, in between bouts of coughing up a mysterious black bile. “You must protect yourselves from the ancient evil spirits that dwell in these most creepy of lands. You shall not escape unharmed! And also, could you add ‘Fatally Yours’ to your setlist. My wife loved that song before the town warlock turned her into a mud gnome.”
To get more perspective on vaguely spooky bands visiting the area, the most famous Transylvanian of all time, Count Dracula, provided an expert opinion.
“Man, I hate these fucking tourists. Bleh! First that Bram Stoker jackass writes a totally unauthorized and misleading tell-all about me, and now I gotta deal with these gloomy goths always bumming around my castle. Is it too much to ask for some fucking privacy?” bemoaned Dracula. “I swear to the dark lord, these Trio hoodlums better not try to do some kind of hacky homage to me during their show. The Misfits tried that once back in 83’ and it’s the reason why their one roadie never left Transylvania alive.”
At press time, members of Alkaline Trio were preparing a large, inflatable vampire bat for their stage decoration, apparently unaware that it will mean they’ll likely be needing a new guitar tech after this.
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Kanye West Fans Excited for New Release of Controversies to Ignore
BY HG PUNK
MILWAUKEE — A workplace abuse lawsuit filed against Kanye West has sowed controversy amongst the public, but his die-hard fans have confirmed they are ready to ignore it.
Fans like Nathan Vaughn, who first got into Kanye after ignoring the 2009 VMA controversy are excited to have something new to ignore.
“We’re really eating good with this one,” proclaimed Vaughn. “After weeks without something that makes you embarrassed to be a fan of his, the old Kanye is back. This may be the most excited I’ve been since he started hanging out with Trump to promote The Life of Pablo. The only downside is that eventually, I have to sit down and listen to whatever music he releases.”
The news has been shared with all members of Vaughn’s Kanye-centric Discord server, including a moderator known only by the pseudonym ‘skete’.
“Yeah, well, me and Nathan are still going to listen to him anyways,” proclaimed the moderator, who had to be informed of what happened this time. “That worker is probably lying, or they can’t understand his genius, or they’re out to get him. I’ll have to wait until his next Instagram post to really comment. I have no qualms listening to his new album until then though,” continued ‘skete’. “I hope that Ye responds to this in a big interview, so me and my buds can hold a listening party for it.“
Janice Vaughn, the mother of the “Skit #4” rapper’s superfan, has been privy to just about every outburst over the past decade.
“Kanye has always been a massive inspiration for our lil’ Yeezy,” gushed Ms. Vaughn. “Nathan dropped out of college a few years ago out of admiration for Kanye’s success story. We just wish he took the inspiration to launch a billionaire rap career instead of telling people that the Holocaust was ‘not even a big deal’. We wouldn’t even be upset if he started small and worked at the Gap”, explained Janice, worried about how to pay the bills. “One day, we’ll be able to recoup the money we spent buying him that stem player.”
At press time, Nathan was seen replying to any Ye-related post on social media informing them that ‘he made Graduation’, referring to an album he still has yet to listen to for the first time.
Anti-Microtransaction Gamer Actually Just Nostalgic for When Parents Paid for Frivolous DLC
BY NICK COFFMAN
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Gina Wells who regularly complains about microtransactions on her Twitch channel to her viewers has confirmed in a recent stream that she’s actually just nostalgic for the time when her parents paid for her DLCs.
Wells revealed this information amid a tirade against Dragon’s Dogma 2’s microtransactions.
“I refuse to pay for DLC. Why the hell should I pay to change the appearance of my character, when it should be my parents paying for me to change the appearance of my character,” Wells lamented to her viewers, who were busy throwing bits and subscriptions at her en masse. “I just don’t see their problem. I paid seventy bucks for the game. The least they can do is throw in forty-two bucks so I can have everything the game has to offer from the start?”
“So now I have to assume Dragon’s Dogma 2’s DLC is trash because my dad took his credit card off my Steam account before I could purchase any of it,” Wells continued. “DLC used to be something really special. It felt like it expanded everything and the best part? It was free to me. Look at all the Sims expansions, the easy fatalities in Mortal Kombat X, and the horse armor in Oblivion. Amazing.”
Wells’s stream was interrupted by a phone call from her mom, which she took on speakerphone during the stream.
“Honey, we’re not doing any more Dragon Dog stuff,” said Wells’s mom. “We agreed that when you were old enough to come off our insurance, you’d be old enough to pay for your own games and extra game stuff. Also — you need to get your own HBO account. Your father and I got into an argument about who was watching this Euphoria smut. We can’t have that popping up in our feed when we have guests over to watch Bill Maher.”
Mark Hearns, a spokesperson for Capcom, encouraged parents to consider supporting their adult children with DLC purchases.
“To all the parents out there considering making a purchase of Dragon’s Dogma 2 DLC for your children: you won’t regret it,” Hearns said. “Even if those children are adults, and even if they should really be purchasing things with the money they make on their own. It’s about sharing those moments — moments when your adult child takes your money without you knowing what it was for, and without them understanding the actual value of your time.”
At press time, Wells had hopped offstream to finish Euphoria before her parents could lock her out of their account.
Mario Reportedly Called Bowser a Slur in Private Battle
BY MATT FRESH
Mario Mario the Brooklyn-born hero of the Mushroom Kingdom is facing criticism after he reportedly called Bowser a homophobic slur during one of their battles.
Sources close to the situation say that Mario blurted out some hateful slander during the heat of battle as he was spinning Bowser by the tail.
“Things have gotten pretty heated lately between them. Mario is getting really frustrated at Bowser’s constant attempts at kidnapping Princess Peach. During the battle, he just shouted this slur. I know he’s from the 80s but it was really uncalled for.” said a source who wished to remain anonymous.
Amidst reports of Mario making these remarks, residents of the Mushroom Kingdom have had mixed reactions on what should be done.
“I love Mario, we all do but he needs to be held accountable. There’s no need for that kind of behavior and he should apologize to Bowser and all the Birdos in the Mushroom Kingdom whom these comments hurt,” said a Blue Toad
“He’s an Italian from Brooklyn who grew up in the 80s, it’s just how he was raised. Let him say it, the Mushroom Kingdom has gotten too soft,” said a Red Toad.
When asked about Mario’s comments to Bowser, Princess Peach’s steward Toadsworth said that the two have a professional relationship.
“They both know the drill. Bowser tries to kidnap Peach and take over the Kingdom and Mario stops him. Mario has been clear about where he disagrees with Bowser but this is a decades-long relationship that is respectful in public and private. If Mario did say what is being reported then I’m sure it was an accidental slip-up in the heat of battle. Mario is a friend of all no matter the sexual orientation, race, species, or anything else.”
At press time, Mario was mercilessly murdering hoards of koopas to the protest of no one. He could not be reached for comment.
Corrupt Police Robot Now Up to 60 Framings Per Second
BY NEW YORK — A spokesman for the NYPD has reported that their newly implemented prosecution robot is now capable of falsely accusing up to 60 innocent people of crimes per second.
The robot, dubbed Artificial Crime Analysis Brain (ACAB) is designed to autonomously identify and arrest criminals. Sofia Franco, the inventor of the automaton, described the moment she created it.
“The city was about to put $125,000,000 towards frivolous things like subsidized housing and homeless shelters, but I told them to give it to me and I’d find a better way to get the people off the streets. So I designed ACAB to be the ultimate police officer, one that could clean up the streets with more efficiency than a human but with the logical thinking of a computer to avoid internal affairs investigations.”
NYPD Chief Abby O’Hara spoke on the android’s work in the field.
“ACAB’s purpose was to help clean up this city in a more efficient manner than regular human police could achieve. We believe it has accomplished that and did so by the book. No human police officer could frame as many poor, African-Americans as quickly as ACAB has. The experiment has been a success for the NYPD.”
Local civil rights leader Reverend Jessie Maynard issued a public statement about the android,
“It’s clear what’s necessary is reparations – take that damn thing to Microcenter so they can repair it! Moreover, a computer has no place in deciding who goes to jail; writing our essays, making our art, raising our children, taking our jobs, yes, but not putting us in jail! They claim that it’s just a few bad cookies, but it’s clear this is a system issue!”
At press time, the department has overclocked ACAB’s GPU to get it up to 90 framings a second.
