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Hard Digest April 6: WrestleMania, Early Access Indie Bands, SNL, Revenge Body, and More
🕑 Added 2024-04-07 00:00:04 +0000 UTCDad at WrestleMania Spends Three Hours Commenting on Poor Table Craftsmanship
BY MATT HUSSER
PHILADELPHIA — Local dad Ken Schmidt reportedly spent the majority of a father-son trip to WrestleMania 40 commenting on the poor craftsmanship of the ringside tables, wrestling fans sitting near the man confirmed.
“Geez Louise—these things must be made of wet particle board. These guys keep going straight through the tables, these cheap things couldn’t support my lunch, let alone those big fellas falling on it,” said Schmidt, scrutinizing the destroyed table through his binoculars. “Somebody ought to tell them to invest in some nice red oak, the dense grain makes it resilient against dents from all the flips these guys are doing onto them. It’ll cost you more, but if you treat it right it’ll last you another 40 WrestleManias.”
Schmidt’s fifteen-year-old son Brian was reportedly seen slinking low into his seat after being embarrassed by his dad’s public display of carpentry knowledge.
“My Dad is so embarrassing, it’s WrestleMania 40 weekend! The Rock is back! Rhea Ripley vs. Becky Lynch! We’re gonna get to see Cody Rhodes finish the story! And the entire time Dad won’t shut up about mortise and tenon joints,” said the teenager while repeatedly trying to stay hidden by doing that John Cena hand thing. “The worst part was that he actually went down there with a leatherman tool, a tape measure and a level to fix a wobble on one of the tables during a match! The security guards were pissed, I thought they were going to hurt him.”
The constant heckling from Schmidtt caught the attention of one of the wrestlers, who started to think he made some good points about the quality of the furniture at the event.
“You know, I never thought about it before but these cheap tables are constantly breaking apart on us. It really makes the whole operation look kind of unprofessional,” said WWE superstar The Miz, ahead of his Six-Pack Ladder match. “Plus we’re getting hit on the head with these steel chairs so often, you’d think they’d put some padding on them. And don’t get me started on those ladders, maybe it wouldn’t take us ten minutes to climb up and grab the belt during ladder matches if they weren’t so damn wobbly.”
At press time, several wrestlers were seriously injured after the new walnut-wood live edge Spanish Announcer’s Table didn’t break after dozens of powerbombs.
Indie Band With One Unnecessary and Weird Instrument Wishes It Was Still 2004
BY PETER WOODS
BALTIMORE — Members of indie rock band My Word, Countess!, a group most famous for their incorporation of a French horn player, admitted that they wish it was still 2004, sources close to the band confirmed.
“Back in the day, people used to get so excited when I would bust out ‘the brass ax,’” said French horn player Alyssa Bartlett. “But now we show up and everyone just writes it off as some kind of gimmick. Plus, it was super nice getting to a gig and knowing I would get to talk to someone who played zither or vibraphone or didgeridoo instead of the usual lineup of guitarists asking about pedals and drummers asking about the best DUI lawyers. I miss knowing there would be someone at the gig who would have my back.”
The other members of My Word, Countess! who play more traditional instruments share this same sense of nostalgia.
“It used to be such a massive boost for our band. Vice was basically following us around like we were the Beatles, there was nothing else like it. Spike Jonze originally asked us to provide songs for ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ but he said the songs were so good they distracted from the movie,” said drummer Lana Moses. “But now the horn is just sort of annoying. Alyssa looks absolutely ridiculous in every promo photo, it’s impossible to fit the weird-shaped case in the tour van, and there isn’t a single sound guy in town who knows how to mic that thing. It frankly just doesn’t seem worth the headache anymore.”
However, some in the music business feel quite excited about this trend continuing to drift further into the past.
“There was a good four or five years where we couldn’t get anyone to join and stay in our philharmonic family,” said Tanner McKee, the in-house conductor for the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. “It feels like every single one of our players went through a phase where they were too busy playing with some Canadian indie rock band with 17 members to play the classics. But thankfully, most of them have remembered their place and have come crawling back.”
At press time, Bartlett stated that she would only spend the next “three or so” years waiting for the 20-year trend cycle to turn in her favor, if this shift does not materialize, she claims she will start applying to grad school.
Fuck: I Finally Got My Revenge Body But It Turns Out He Broke Up With Me Because of My Personality
BY MALIA SIMON
Well, I finally did it. After 6 months of doing high-intensity interval training in 100-degree heat and only eating egg whites and the stems of carrots, I finally achieved the absolute hottest body I could possibly get without being admitted to a hospital.
Now it’s finally time to drive by my ex’s house and show him what he’s missing. I can’t wait to step out of the car and stand motionless on his front lawn like a life-sized Barbie doll and make him rethink things because, as we all know, if someone breaks up with you it is because of your body and no other possible factors.
Well guys, I gotta be honest, I’m confused. I went by my ex’s place and stood in the glistening sunlight just as planned, but he did not once suggest we get back together and instead hit me with a “Kelsey? Jesus Christ, what are you doing here? You have 30 seconds to get off my lawn or I’m telling my lawyer you’re violating the restraining order.”
I was so shocked I had to lean against the car. Well, I was doing that anyway because I’m extremely faint. But still.
“I was hoping for a ‘Happy to see you, you look great,’” I told him, hoping this might draw attention to the new body I martyred myself to achieve for the sole purpose of this moment.
“You were always attractive,” he said. “I broke up with you because you’re a huge bitch who can’t let anything go. You emotionally abused my dog. You accused me of wanting to fuck my sister after I bought her a birthday present.”
Huh?? As it turns out, this fucking asshole is way less superficial than I thought. Guess he wasn’t kidding about this whole “you have a personality disorder” business. I always thought that was just men’s way of saying “You look fat,” but turns out I am just fat on the inside.
Well, what a massive fucking waste of my time. I’ve spent the past 6 months only working out. I quit my job to spend more time on Peloton. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this home gym? I have so many goddamn dumbbells.
There is really only one solution I can think of at this point, and that is to start working out more. I think the message was loud and clear that my body still isn’t quite at the level it needs to be yet, and that’s good feedback to receive. As the fitness influencers I follow on Instagram say, work on perfecting your body and mind, and by body and mind, we mean body.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll just kidnap his dog again.
Journalist Who Dreamed of Writing from the Front Lines Willing to Settle for Summarizing SNL Skits for HuffPost
BY PETER WOODS
NEW YORK — Journalist Cherie Estrada is finally willing to compromise her dream of covering wars from the frontlines and settle for writing weekly recaps of Saturday Night Live skits for HuffPost, confirmed sources close to Estrada confirmed that reported she sounded kind of sad when she took the job
“I’ve always wanted to do work that mattered,” said Estrada. “Shedding light on the struggles of the oppressed, so I could open up the eyes of people around the world to the atrocities happening on a daily basis, that sort of thing. But I got sacked during a recent media buyout and I could use a little security. If that means waking up on Sunday and describing how Kenan Thompson once again stole the show, or how the host James Brolin gave it his all but ultimately the writing fell flat then so be it. I may not be on the front lines in Ukraine, but I am at the forefront of Please Don’t Destroy criticism, and I’m proud of that.”
In response, members of HuffPost’s staff shared their willingness to work with Estrada.
“We’re always looking for people to cover important cultural zeitgeists like SNL,” said Danielle Belton, Editor-in-Chief for The Huffington Post. “This journalism is integral for our culture and goes above and beyond the usual clickbait that other news outlets publish. But it’s nice that so many of our readers do click those articles! And while they are on the page, maybe they could click on another article. Or maybe you could just click on this little article over here. Come on, just give this one a click. Just a little click, it won’t hurt. Don’t forget to throw us $2 to keep this whole thing afloat.”
“We need this,” added Belton.
However, critics from the journalism community have spoken out against Estrada’s decision.
“Selling out to the lame-stream media is gross,” said Truman Duarte, a self-described gonzo journalist. “Dedicated journalists like me need to do the REAL work of exposing America to the TRUTH. And that’s what I’m trying to do, but no one ever talks to me after they realize I publish everything on Substack. So I usually make up things I think my sources would say if they hadn’t threatened to call the cops on me. But I do THAT in a TRUTHFUL sort of way. Which HuffPost apparently can’t handle, since they ignore all of my pitches.”
As of press time, Estrada was hoping her bosses would take notice of her good work and consider her for a positioning recapping season three of “The Bear.”
Inspiring! This Woman is Proud of Standing up for Herself Despite Being Objectively Wrong
BY We all know how important it is for women to start standing firmly in their truths, especially in a post “Me Too” world. That’s why we have the privilege and the honor to profile a strong and inspiring woman who did just that.
Laura Howe isn’t all talk – she puts her money where her righteous, feminist mouth is. She knew the time had come for her to stand up for herself, so she did it, once, over the weekend.
We sat down with her for an inspiring, girlboss interview where she talks about what brought her to this moment of righteous rebellion, “I haven’t started therapy yet, but all the mental health accounts I follow talk about the importance of boundaries and of not backing down when intimidated by a man. Unless of course, that man is your father. Or your boss. I mean, let’s not go crazy.”
In a touching moment that brought both interviewee and interviewer to tears, she goes further into the incident: “There was this random man trying to tell me that I couldn’t park where I wanted to. It’s like, men park their huge gas guzzlers wherever they want all the time. I can’t take up ONE spot with those little blue chair circle doodles on it for 20 minutes?” When asked if she was, perhaps, referring to a handicapped spot she said, “The spot looked fine to me. Anyways, it was so rude. Especially since it happened during Women’s History Month, of all times.” The incident happened in February.
Her friends were more than happy to share with us some other inspiring moments. “She gets so much traction on Twitter, which is such a male-dominated field these days. Like just last week, she was tweeting about how we need to take care of our planet and she said ‘Just because Earth is flat doesn’t mean we should abuse it.’ Like, mother nature shouldn’t be held to our society’s sexist beauty standards. Some of us are flat, okay? She got like 3,000 quote tweets. I’m so proud.”
The further we got into this profile, the more we realized that perhaps Laura doesn’t know very much. But men have been confidently wrong for centuries, so we consider this a net positive for feminism and tip our Bigfoot is Real caps to her.
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Supposedly Busy Friend Mysteriously Online and in a Party
BY MATT FRESH
TORONTO — Local gamer Josh Perkins has found himself embroiled in a mystery as his friend who was too busy for a gaming session was somehow seen online and in a party.
Perkins was playing solo when he noticed his friend come online despite being busy with work.
“I was playing some CoD and listening to a podcast when I saw my friend Dan come online,” explained Perkins. “It was really strange because he told me he was busy with work and couldn’t play until the weekend so to see him online I figured something must be wrong. He was even in a party chat. How could he be playing with others when he told me he was too busy? I thought about it for a bit before realizing that he must have been hacked.”
“I texted him and was like ‘Dude you got hacked, they’re playing in your account right now’. He got back to me like 4 hours later and told me he checked and didn’t think he was hacked. This added a new wrinkle to this mystery. If he wasn’t hacked, then how else would he have been online in a party despite telling me he was busy?”
Perkins states he’s gone through all the possibilities to figure out what could have happened.
“I thought of everything. It could have been a system glitch, it could have been a network error showing old data on my friends list, or it could even have been a Microsoft issue. I just don’t know what would cause such a glitch.”
Perkins’ friend Dan is also unsure of how he could have appeared online.
“You’re publishing this quote, right? Yeah, I was just doing this big work project and Josh texted me saying I was online and in a party. Well, I definitely wasn’t. I was busy. He was gonna report my account as hacked but I checked it and it wasn’t hacked. Really weird glitch cause I was definitely not online. Definitely not.”
After a thorough investigation, Microsoft concluded that there was no issue on their end. Reporters have reached out to Dan for further questioning but he’s apparently just too busy.
Ken Levine’s Narrative Legos Revealed to All Be From the Same Set
BY MATT RINGLER
WESTWOOD, MASS— With the recent reveal of Ghost Story Game’s first project, Judas, it has been discovered that Ken Levine’s fabled “narrative LEGOs” have all come from the same set.
“I had a feeling the narrative LEGOs Ken would always talk about came from the same set,” said a former employee of Levine’s, who requested to remain anonymous. “I mean, that’s the great thing about LEGOs, you can use the same set multiple times, but you can only do so much before you notice whatever you make starts to look the same.”
Two former employees, who also wished to remain anonymous, said that they had been aware of Levine’s use of the same narrative LEGO set for years.
“We’d tell him during meetings, ‘Ken, there are other sets you can use. A lot of cool ones have come out recently’ and try to show him some of them. It never worked. He’d just work himself into a bad mood and lock himself in his office.”
“He just wouldn’t let the set go. Every game I worked on with Ken you’d hear the same thing about narrative LEGOs this, and narrative LEGOs that. I just figured he had multiple sets, but it was always the same one. I finally said to him, ‘Ken, I’ll take you to the store if you want a new set. You can pick out any one you want,’ but he’d just pretend to be busy and ignore me.”
Sources were able to gather valuable information about Levine’s narrative LEGO set after reaching out to his mother for this story.
“Oh, I got Ken that set years ago. He just loved it. Eventually he was able to take it apart and put it right back together without even looking at the instructions. Though I thought he would have moved on to something different by now. Either way, I’m just happy he is still getting so much joy from it. He’s a good boy.”
At press time it was unconfirmed whether or not Levine is indeed a good boy.
CD Projekt Red Still Waiting For Fans To Find Easter Egg They Forgot to Put In The Game
BY MYLES CONLON
CD Projekt Red Still Waiting For Fans To Find Easter Egg They Forgot to Put In The Game
Years after the initial release of Cyberpunk 2077, the developers are still hinting that players have yet to find every hidden easter egg. But some are beginning to wonder if they even included the thing they’re hinting at in the first place.
“At first I thought we just overlooked something obvious, but the more I read their hints the more I think they cut the content without noticing,” said a player going by, CyberSTUFF. ”It just kept making less and less sense to the point I didn’t even begin to consider official statements on the game canon to the story. I mean some of their tweets talk about companions that don’t even exist, seriously, who the hell is Rocco.”
Even other players who previously poured hours figuring out this elusive secret were beginning to lose hope in finding it in the game. Even one fan who was previously intent on digging out every easter egg within the game.
“I mean I’ve seen how in-depth they’ve gone with these before so I can’t rule anything out. I mean standing at a certain random spot at a certain time for 30 real life minutes just to see a cutscene that shows you random symbols is a hell of a deep cut. Even still these easter eggs just seem further and further out of reach..”, said one player going by Rock06. “But the more hints they give the less sense it makes. Seriously, where is ‘The Casino’ even supposed to be! Not to mention these constant hints about ‘Rocco’ who hasn’t appeared in a single datamine of the game.”
At the same time, one developer from CD Projekt Red came to comment on the matter, to help clarify things to players.
“I know we put our little easter eggs a tad deep in the game, but that’s part of the fun! If it was so easy to find it wouldn’t feel half as good as when you finally crack the code we hid.” said a developer going by the handle @KnightB5. “It hasn’t been a challenge in my playthrough to find these easter eggs. I just can’t understand why so many players never find Rocco’s quest chain, we made it so essential to the story it baffles me they miss it. Granted my dev build has some cut content but I mean we had to cut so much. Who can tell what we did and didn’t at this point?”
With no conclusive substantiation, we turned to our uncle who works for CD Projekt Red who stated ‘Rocco’ is apparently hiding underneath a truck outside the Afterlife in game.
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