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Hard Digest July 30: JD Vance, Early Access Nu Metal, Mitochondria, Vintage Shirts, and More
🕑 Added 2024-07-31 00:00:06 +0000 UTCJD Vance Catching More Backlash After Saying Women Over 30 Shouldn’t Be Happy
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Vice Presidential nominee J.D. Vance found himself in hot water again over his views regarding childless women at a recent rally after stating that women over the age of 30 are not supposed to be happy, sources within the Trump campaign have admitted.
“Listen, all I’m saying is that any woman over the age of 30 who prioritizes a fulfilling existence over being a breeding sow for her husband is an enemy of the state. It frightens me that the woke mind virus would have women believe joy can be derived from traveling and creative expression and not, say, rearing children and doing all the housework,” said Vance. “I believe that in order for this great country to prosper, all women should set aside personal ambition and peace of mind to toil endlessly through a mediocre marriage until they can no longer bear children, then they can be euthanized and go forth to the loving arms of Christ. Any other way of thinking is just deranged.”
Many undecided women voters who attended the rally could not believe Vance was expressing these sentiments out loud.
“Shitting on women for choosing cats over mediocre men wasn’t enough, so now he had to come out and say we’re all insane. What I think is insane was my Trump loving, gaslighter ex-husband who made my life a living hell. I’m infinitely happier on my own and too bad if that upsets Senator Couch Fucker,” said Jane Lawson. “Sorry if protecting my peace is a threat to democracy, but I’m not the only one who’s going to waste their one time on this planet suppressing joy and self discovery to be a trad wife. Keep that shit in Ohio where it belongs.”
Political strategists were dumbfounded by the Senator’s series of unforced blunders.
“Senator Vance’s best course of action would be keeping his mouth shut for the remainder of the campaign. Every time I think he can’t alienate women voters more, he just blurts out some incel talking point unprovoked. It’s unreal,” said Carter Smith. “Last we checked, the Declaration of Independence stated that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness were inalienable rights, so maybe shitting on 55% of the population in order to obtain the second highest position in the country isn’t the smartest move. He’d be better off resigning and spend his days shitposting his backward views on X.”
At press time, Vance was not helping his case after also saying men who treat their partners with respect are pussies.
Nu Metal Dad Sits Teenage Son Down to Have the “Nookie Talk”
BY MATT HUSSER
INDIANAPOLIS — Nu metal superfan Travis Cornwall reportedly sat his son down to have the “Nookie Talk” after the teenager started asking about the “birdz and the beez,” sources close to the family confirmed.
“Wispy soul patch coming in, trying to hide his male pattern baldness with a backwards red hat—my little bizkit boy is finally becoming a nu metal man, and I think it’s high time we sat down and finally told him how Nookie works,” said Cornwall, dusting off a sealed “Significant Other” CD he had saved for just this occasion. “Everything you need to know about sex is right here in this album, from where to stick that cookie, to dealing with the ‘he says, she says bullshit.’ I’ll probably wait to discuss ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water’ with him though—that’s pretty advanced for his age, and he’ll learn to experiment with that kinda stuff in college.”
Despite the good intentions behind the discussion, Cornwall’s teenage son was reportedly mortified by the Limp Bizkit-themed sex talk.
“My dad is so embarrassing, he told me that I’m probably at the age where ‘All Day I Dream About Sex,’ but that it’s perfectly normal to want to play with my ‘Freak on a Leash’ in private,” said Fred Cornwall, slamming his bedroom door shut. “I know that he’s trying to be helpful, but his stupid nu metal analogies don’t make any sense. What am I supposed to do with ‘when a man and a woman love each other very much, sometimes they take their privates and put them N 2 Gether Now’? And he went on and on about wearing condoms or I’d get down with the sickness.”
Music-themed sex talks were reportedly a longstanding family tradition according to the family’s grandfather, who revealed that he had once had the ‘Cherry Pie’ talk with his own son.
“All boys have questions about ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ at that age, so when it came time for the ‘Cherry Pie’ talk I imparted Travis with all the wisdom I’d learned from Warrant and Motley Crue,” said Ray Cornwall, spraying a cloud of hairspray into his receding mane. “Then we took a drive in my Camaro and listened to Def Leppard’s ‘Hysteria’ together. I mean everything you need to know is right there in ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’—girls got the peaches, boys got the cream—then they teach you the rest of the details at school.”
At press time, the teenage son reported that he considered himself extremely lucky after finding out that a classmate’s dad had used Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” as the basis for their sex talk.
Opinion: Why Haven’t We Are Scientists Written a Song About Mitochondria Being the Powerhouse of the Cell?
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
Ithink it’s fair to say that We Are Scientists is a great band but every time I listen to them there’s this feeling that comes over me akin to an itch I can’t scratch. It’s been driving me crazy for years, like there is some unresolved melody or out-of-place synth I couldn’t pinpoint.
It wasn’t until I started paying attention to the lyrics that it finally hit me: the band, despite their name invoking knowledge and study of the natural world, has never written a single song about mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell.
Seriously, what the hell is up with that? As a band with a STEM reference they have some responsibility to educate the public, like an indie rock Bill Nye (or Beakman’s World since there’s three of them). The closest thing they’ve done to anything science-related was “Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt” which I assume is about that bowling ball pendulum experiment from physics class.
I find it hard to believe that after eight studio albums, the guys wouldn’t put out one winking inside joke track about breaking down glucose into adenosine triphosphate. Are they trying to gatekeep eighth-grade science from the masses? I’m fully aware they’re not a theme band like Mac Sabbath, Okilly Dokilly, or the Misfits but given how badly underfunded our public schools have become, they should feel a moral obligation to sneak in some lines about our body’s ability to produce energy.
Hell at this rate I’d be satisfied if they covered Adolescents’ “Amoeba”. It’s not exactly what I’m looking for but their name is one of the first lines in the damn song! How has their body of work never been peer-reviewed?
I bet if we lobbied Congress to give them some research grant with 100% royalties they could knock out a few songs about photosynthesis or whatever. I don’t care if they’re just named after a Guided by Voices song, this whole outfit stinks of stolen valor, or at the very least false advertising.
Had I retained any scientific knowledge past middle school and possessed any musical acumen, I’d have done it myself already. So if the band would just live up to their namesake and drop an EP or just a one-off single about mitochondria and the human genome, I can get back to dancing my ass off to Lobes.
Sports Shirt Safely Vintage Enough That You Won’t Be Mistaken for Actual Fan
BY JOE RUMRILL
LOS FELIZ, Calif. — A shirt bearing the logo of a professional hockey team was deemed an acceptable purchase recently as the retro-quality of the clothing is unlikely to spur attention from actual sports aficionados, sources confirmed.
“I was initially reluctant to wear a shirt advertising a sports team I knew nothing about. But, weighing my options, I figured since it was a Hartford Whalers children’s pajama top with a goofy cartoon whale on the front, I would be in the clear,” said hipster Lewis Spinney, while affixing a few pins to it. “It’s old and mis-sized enough that I don’t think anyone would mistake me for an actual hockey guy. I think their questions would be more along the lines of ‘you’re really going to work looking like that?’ than ‘did you catch the tournament last night?’ Plus, get a load of the propellor on my hat. All attention will be drawn there…oh, and to my super interesting personality, of course.”
Spinney’s uncle Fran Crowley, an avowed “sports nut,” concurred with his nephew’s new shirt’s irony level estimation.
“Hell, that team hasn’t been around since two ex-wives ago! There’s no way anyone would mistake my nephew for anyone who’d even seen ‘Slap Shot,’ much less an actual hockey game,” chuckled Crowley, without breaking eye contact with the TV playing ESPN. “He won’t have to have any stats or roster order at the ready, not at all. Plus, who’s gonna ask him about it? The keyboardist in his rock band, or the guys checking the expiration on the oat milk at his coffee shop job? Gimme a break here!”
Peter Karmanos, former owner of the Hartford Whalers, took offense to the insincerity of Spinney’s attire choice.
“I’ll show that little snot. Just for that, I’m bringing back the Whalers to make them more popular than ever. He’s gonna regret shelling out $65 bucks at the Replay Vintage shop for that little outfit of his, you mark my words,” said Karmanos, while shaking his fist. “On top of that, I’m issuing a press release tomorrow announcing that this kid’s starting at left wing for the team. Let’s see him try to get out of talking about hockey when he’s lacing up his skates and getting pucks whipped at his skull. And I’ll be sure to let him know that the jerseys? Oh, the jerseys will be brand new and fit perfectly. He’s gonna hate it.”
At press time, though the shirt had evaded attention from sports fans, it has unfortunately sparked up multiple unwanted conversations with professional whale hunters.
Marvel Snap Adds Alan Moore Card That “On Reveal, Adds Weird Sex Stuff to Every Location”
BY PETER CUNIS
IRVINE, Calif. — Second Dinner, the studio behind “Marvel Snap,” announced in their most recent newsletter that the next card to be added to the popular online game would be renowned comic writer Alan Moore. Marvel fans will know Moore for his character-defining work on “Captain Britain,” and everyone else will know Moore for all the weird sex stuff he writes about.
The announcement states, “Fans have been suggesting we add writers and artists to the games since Snap first launched, and we’re all thrilled to honor Alan Moore with his own card. He’s a three-cost, two-power card that adds weird sex stuff to every location. We’ve been noticing a real lack of pervy, unexpected, and sometimes deeply uncomfortable gameplay in the current meta, and we think Moore will help us fill that hole. Pun intended.”
Players who were lucky enough to grab the Alan Moore card from the Spotlight Cache on day one offered some thoughts on social media.
On the more positive side, Reddit user beepmynosecrack32 stated that they found the card, “…easy to add to pretty much every deck type. My opponent can usually anticipate my next move when I’m using a discard deck, but when I play Alan Moore and two penises emerge from the cloaca of their Reptile, it really throws them off. Groot yelling, ‘I AM GROOT’S WOODY PHALLIC ROOT DICK,’ helps too.” X user Baileyboo42 was less enthusiastic, tweeting, “When my cards start licking each other’s nipples, It’s hard to keep track of what I have on the board. There’s also like, a loud moan whenever Venom eats a card? Is that a bug?”
As for Moore himself, he seems pretty displeased with Second Dinner’s use of his likeness.
“I’ll be suing to have my name taken off the bloody card just as soon as I get done with my next wizard orgy,” tweeted Moore in a rare public statement. “The weird sex stuff these phone game blokes have tossed artlessly into their pitiful excuses for interactive children’s entertainment is, quite frankly, an amateur’s idea of what weird sex stuff looks like. I believe the establishment is afraid to show the subjects of their fascist iconography sucking or fucking anything more imaginative than a prick or a vulva. Bloody sad state of affairs.”
“Marvel Snap” is an important, groundbreaking piece of art that has redefined the medium and is available to download for free now.
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