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Hard Digest August 3: Early Access Taylor Swift, Prisons, Fascism, The Blair Witch Project, and More
🕑 Added 2024-08-04 00:00:04 +0000 UTCTaylor Swift Releases Album to Overshadow Friend’s Engagement Announcement
BY SEAN FALLON
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Michelle Reynolds was horrified to find her recent engagement announcement completely overshadowed by her friend Taylor Swift intentionally releasing an album on the same day, confirmed uneasy sources.
“I was so excited to show everyone the ring,” said Reynolds, who has been with her fiancee for five years. “The problem was that as soon as I started talking about it, everyone kept changing the subject to Taylor’s new album which conveniently dropped minutes after Jimmy proposed. And you know she’s done this just to take the attention from me. That’s why she called the album ‘Engagement’ and the first single ‘A Wedding That’s Not Mine.’ She also tweeted ‘I do’ followed by a link to the new song. Tay Tay has gone too far this time. I’ll probably still buy the record though.”
Swift acknowledged the coincidental nature of the album’s timing.
“When Michelle said to me that she thought Jimmy was going to propose, I had to get back into the studio,” said Swift from aboard her private jet as she flew to her favorite juice place on the other side of town. “I was just inspired, y’know? Love is such a muse. And no, I didn’t try to spoilt their sweet moment by releasing my most personal album ever as soon as I saw her Instagram announcement. I’m not some kind of narcissist who must always be number one. I just like to make music that stays atop the charts for 365 days a year. I even have an acoustic track ready to go for their potential pregnancy announcement as a nice little companion piece. And anyway, if you criticize me for that kind of thing, you’re a bad feminist.”
Music journalist Matt Munroe has written extensively about Swift’s prior offenses with this kind of thing.
“Whenever another pop star gets the spotlight, Swift appears,” said Munroe. “Charli XCX, Chappell Roan, and Sabrina Carpenter have all seen new albums, special editions, and acoustic tracks released by Swfit to dominate the charts and keep them from the top. Oh, I can see Swift is releasing a track right now to overshadow this interview. It’s literally called ‘Stop Reading and Buy My Records.’ She’s out of control.”
At press time, Swift was happy to report that during the release of Katy Perry’s new album, she can take a holiday as there is nothing to overshadow.
Sad: Somebody Matched My Freak and Now We’re Both in State Prison
BY DOM TUREK
After years of circling the dating drain pool, I was almost ready to give up and accept my fate as an angry solitary woman who said things like, “Knock it off,” and “Your dog can’t be off leash here,” but as fate would have it, I received a notification from a long-forgotten dating app. An eligible bachelor with the username broken_farts_club thought I was hot and wanted to take me to a craft brewery. “Why not?” I thought. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
As with most first dates, the conversation was strained and uncomfortable, but the awkwardness didn’t stand a chance once the server dropped off our third pitcher of German pilsner.
The sexual tension was palpable and the second he “accidentally” grazed my knee under the table, I knew we were headed for pound town. We decided to drive back to my place despite numerous pleas from the waitstaff and even some concerned customers urging us to “call an Uber.” Don’t they know it’s not considered drunk driving if the beer was brewed locally?
It was such a nice change of pace to be with a guy who wasn’t overly concerned with the law. Just as I was gazing over at him thinking about our future together, a man in the car next to us gave us the middle finger and accused us of “swerving all over the damn road like a couple of assholes.” I’m sorry, but putting your life at risk for a few seconds on the highway is no excuse for that kind of language. Almost as if ruled by telepathy, my new soulmate and I silently agreed to terrorize this man within an inch of his sanity.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when my date pulled out a bag of rotting fruit and other miscellaneous hand-held items from under his seat, because I too had a bag of weapons-adjacent items in my car that I used to commit unwarranted acts of road rage. Laughing maniacally, we reached into the bag and began to pelt the Toyota Camry with a barrage of rotten tomatoes, small rocks, and old take-out containers. Was this love?
We were having the time of our life tailgating the Camry and covering it with debris, but in all our ecstasy, we didn’t realize he’d led us right to the local police station. The gig was up. Turns out when you find somebody to match your freak, you also might find yourself facing up to two years in prison for reckless endangerment, menacing, and harassment.
Uncle Obsessed with World War II Somehow Blind to Encroaching International Fascism
BY ALEX VLAHOV
BEND, Ore. — Local amateur historian and occasional beloved family member Paul Poppavich vehemently dismisses news of fascism’s rising international tide, despite an encyclopedic knowledge of World War II history, confirmed sources who didn’t want to sit next to him at dinner.
“Sure, America did a lot for the Allies, but that’s old news. We’ve got to cut off our diplomatic ties. America first!” claimed Poppavich, raising a fist in pain despite a fractured arm from a golf course fall. “When I think about those boys storming the beach in Normandy, my heart swells with pride. But all of this current fake news pouring in from Ukraine, Gaza, and the Congo doesn’t line up with my own research online. All these journalists and historians are paid lefty Communist actors, and that’s a fact. There is absolutely no tie between the vermin Nazi scum we beat in the past, and those cleancut white gentlemen marching out in the street waving the ol’ stars and stripes. You think living under Stalin was scary? I bet the woke mob is right outside my front door!”
The uncle’s niece Lara Poppavich shared discomfort over his mental disconnect.
“You’d think a man versed in international conflict could possibly see what’s on the horizon, especially with Europe shifting to the right, or North Korea and Russia growing closer,” complained the 23-year-old during a smoke break. “For someone that loves celebrating American victories from eight decades ago, Uncle Paul casually flirts with facism every single day. He directs his anger toward immigrants, gun restrictions, and the end of cursive in schools. He thinks journalists should be restricted, and wants to put ‘undesirables in camps’ without ever explicitly stating what that means. It’s a long laundry list of potential targets: he has a thing against people on bikes, celebrities, and Mariners fans. His hatred casts a wide net.”
Liz Trunchpack, director of Oregon’s WWII Heritage Museum, sings the uncle’s praises despite a few hiccups.
“Paul is one of our most impassioned docents and remains a frequently requested tour guide. That is, until current events come up in conversation,” said Trunchpack aboard a decommissioned battleship. “If it’s the past, we’re fine. He’s a terrific translator of history. Just don’t bring up the newscycle and especially the election. I’ve heard him spout the phrase ‘coastal elites’ more than I care to share. After work, I’ve had to ask Paul not to discuss conspiracy theories with guests in the parking lot, and not to stalk them on social media to see who the ‘real Americans’ are. At least he’s no longer recruiting for his raid on the State Library to expose the ‘New World Order.’ That was a whole HR headache for months.”
At press time, Poppavich signed up for a local history group’s WWII reenactment, requesting a position within the Axis powers, specifically the USSR since he “likes Putin’s style.”
“The Blair Witch Project” at 25: We Remind Our Idiot Friend That He Insisted It Was Real
BY DAN KOZUH
Every friend group has one—the person who, despite all evidence to the contrary, insists on believing the most outrageous things. For us, it’s Greg. And as we celebrate the 25th anniversary of the cultural touchstone “The Blair Witch Project,” we can’t help but reminisce about the time Greg was absolutely convinced the movie was a documentary.
“It is real, man!” Greg declared, eyes wide with a mix of fear and conviction, back in 1999. “I saw it on the internet! But if you look at the footage closely, it’s clear something really happened out there. The way they filmed it, the panic—it’s all too real to be just made up. I’m telling you, the whole thing was supposed to be a secret. The movie isn’t fiction; it’s the real deal!”
Ah, yes. The internet, the final arbiter of truth and reason. Never mind that the filmmakers, cast, and even the town of Burkittsville had gone on record multiple times to clarify that it was all make-believe. Greg was steadfast in his belief, quoting obscure forums and dodgy fan sites as his sources.
“We spent over $100 on theater tickets to see it multiple times just to humor him,” recalls our friend Jessica. “And every time, he pointed out the same ‘proofs’—the shaky camera work, the missing posters, the interviews with locals. It was surreal.”
Greg’s dedication to the “truth” of “The Blair Witch Project” went beyond just multiple viewings. He researched “Blair Witch” lore like it was his job. He’d show up to hang out and have a new tidbit printed off from some random listserv, like how the actors used their real names or how the directors had to pretend that it was a fake documentary or the distributor wouldn’t put it out because the kids died.
“Remember that time we asked him to come camping?” laughs Jessica. “He refused to go into the woods without a GPS, a satellite phone, and enough supplies to survive an apocalypse. He said he didn’t want to be the next Blair Witch victim. It was hilarious and sad at the same time.”
Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Urban Legends and Folklore at Washington University, provides some insight into Greg’s unwavering belief.
“It’s not uncommon for people to cling to sensational stories, especially when they feel they have uncovered a hidden truth,” Dr. Harmon explained. “In Greg’s case, his insistence that ‘The Blair Witch Project’ was real likely provided a sense of adventure and importance. It’s the same psychological mechanism that drives conspiracy theories and urban legends.”
Despite our best efforts to enlighten Greg over the years, his conviction never wavered. Even when the actors appeared on talk shows, very much alive and discussing their roles, Greg dismissed it as a cover-up.
Finally, sometime after college and the film had dissipated into a pop culture footnote, Greg relented and admitted how silly it was that he believed it was real. But that doesn’t mean we ever let him forget it.
But the best part? Greg absolutely hates how much we bring it up. Every Halloween, every movie night, every casual mention of camping—we never miss an opportunity to remind him.
“Come on, guys, it was 25 years ago,” Greg texted in the group chat as recently as last week, but we just can’t help ourselves. “Let it go already!”
Every birthday and Christmas we get Greg a VHS or DVD copy of the movie, which drives him crazy. Here is hoping they release a 4K version before the holidays. We even threw his bachelor party in Burkittsville, Maryland where it was filmed. We had T-shirts made that said, “I’m a Blair Witch Believer.” He refused to wear it, but the rest of us wore them proudly all weekend.
“Seriously, it’s not funny anymore,” Greg insisted when reached for comment about this article. But it’s tradition now, and I’m sure we will tell his kids all about it when they are old enough. So here’s to 25 more years of “The Blair Witch Project,” and to Greg—our dumb, gullible friend.
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