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Hard Digest August 7: Trump, Early Access Bullies, Travis Kelce, Juggalo Moms, and More
🕑 Added 2024-08-08 00:00:10 +0000 UTCTrump Regales Conservative Media Outlets With Charming Anecdote About Time He Got Five Innocent Men Arrested In Central Park
By NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump charmed conservative podcast host Grant Victoria with a story about the time he helped five innocent men get arrested on rape charges and then called for them to get the death penalty.
“I actually helped make Central Park the best park in New York, before I came around there were pickpockets and thugs. But I helped clean it up and there hasn’t been a single crime there since I intervened, not one, not even jaywalking. Nothing,” said Trump. “There were these five guys, real bad dudes. They did some real bad stuff, things I’d never think of doing. I love all women, and let’s face it, they love me. Because of my detective work they get arrested, I take out a beautiful full-page ad saying we need to give them all the death penalty. Everyone says it was a great ad. Maybe the best of all time. Then radical leftist scientists completely make up something called DNA evidence that exonerated these men and the soft-on-crime Democrats actually let them out of prison. I’ve been afraid for my life every day since they got out.”
One of the nation’s few undecided voters, Benjamin Morley, was disturbed by Trump’s retelling of the story.
“I’ve seen a few documentaries about the Central Park 5 and it’s such a disgusting miscarriage of justice that shows how racist and broken our criminal justice system is, the fact Trump is bragging about it makes me sick,” said Morley. “But at the same time, I do think Trump has some good ideas about ending taxes on tips. I used to work at a Starbucks so I know the pain. This is a really tough choice for me. I’m going to have to see how the next 90 days go, if Trump doesn’t call for the extermination of any innocent people then I’m leaning his way.”
Former New York defense attorney Lucy Alvarez says that Trump’s retelling of the story is a farce.
“Trump actually had nothing to do with the arrest of the Central Park 5, they were brought in after getting caught ‘wilding’ and the cops pinned the crime on them. Trump makes it seem like he dusted for prints and acted like Columbo in order to bring those boys in,” said Alvarez. “All he did was stir up racial tensions and lick the boots of every NYPD officer. So really not much has changed with him. He’s using the same tactics he did 40 years ago and people are still falling for it.”
At press time, Trump also claimed he briefly dated Rachel Greene, a waitress who worked at Central Perk.
Bully From Early Nineties Anti-Drug PSA Still Pushing Handfuls of Pre-Rolled Joints
By REDDING, Calif. – Former junior high bully and antagonist of a 1990 anti-drug PSA Ryan Telley is reportedly still pushing handfuls of pre-rolled joints onto random people, befuddled sources confirmed.
“I mainly hang out around strip malls and bowling alleys these days,” the now 44-year-old Telley said. “I just kinda wait for people to walk past me, at which point I completely invade their personal space with an open palm displaying three perfectly aligned joints. If the person is too much of a geek to accept one of them, I call them a chicken and start bawking at them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. I’m now well into my third decade of doing this, and I don’t think I’ll ever match the success rate I had when I was in seventh grade.”
Witness Jared Rodriguez reacted to Telley’s attempted intimidation with a mixture of surprise and confusion.
“I was about to walk into Jersey Mike’s when this middle-aged guy with spiky hair and acid washed Z Cavaricci jeans started trying to pressure me into taking a joint out of his hand. I was absolutely baffled,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, I’m not interested in smoking weed, but if I was, I could just walk down the street to the nearest dispensary. We live in a blue state, for Christ’s sake. I’m not even getting the impression that he’s charging. He just really wants other people to try marijuana for some reason.”
Sylvia Denning, Telley’s now-retired junior high principal, was saddened to hear of the continued antics of her former student.
“It’s heartbreaking to hear that Ryan hasn’t learned from the mistakes of his youth,” Denning said while sipping a tea out of her World’s Best Principal mug. “Whether it was because he was riding his Nash skateboard in the hallways or telling his teachers to ‘put a sock in it’, he used to spend entirely too much time in my office. I had been aware that he was trying to frighten the smaller children into smoking cannabis, but I never thought that behavior would continue well into his adulthood. It’s tragic, in a way.”
At press time, Telley broke down upon being questioned by a bystander, admitting that he just hasn’t been the same since actress Rachael Leigh Cook destroyed his kitchen with a frying pan.
How To Condemn the Chiefs Team Name While Still Wanting Travis Kelce To Kiss You Gently on the Neck
By Two things keep us Kansas City folk up at night—The Chiefs team name and Travis Kelce’s raw sexual prowess. I can look past a lot of things for the sake of my spank bank, but personally, nothing ruins a wet dream more than racism.
Unfortunately, Travis Kelce is still sitting there with an Irish boy haircut, a neck that looks like a tree trunk, and…kind eyes…but like, really, he has kind eyes…Doubly unfortunate, he chose to play for the team with the most racist name in the league. Don’t quote me on that, I’m not an NFL expert, but I’m sure there are other dark histories I’m unaware of hiding in the cloth of America’s favorite violent pastime. Anyways, sick. Cool that you chose them, Trav. I don’t know how these decisions are made, but I feel like you didn’t have to do that. But, alas, you decided to make this hard for all of us, in a lot of ways.
The only thing that could have made this whole situation worse was if The Chiefs doubled down and had, like, a super racist chant for white people to yell at the stadium. Wouldn’t that suck? Wouldn’t you think that we should be beyond holding onto tradition for the sake of tradition’s sake when it actively hurts already marginalized people? Wouldn’t you think that was obvious?
WAKE UP SHEEPLE!! We live in the U.S. of A. The famous “Tomahawk Chop” is a real Missouri fan chant. Hometown pride alert <3 But don’t worry, it gets worse. It is accompanied by somehow even more racist hand movements. And yes, all conservative and/or libertarian white men in the Kansas City area get hard as a fucking rock when they hear it. If we really want to get into the nitty gritty - Studies show that 98% of Chiefs fans don’t actually know how the game works, they’re just really horny for big broad-shouldered men. Primal instinct, if you will.
So - how do we condemn The Chiefs team name while still wanting Travis Kelce to kiss us gently on the neck?
First: You start calling them The Chefs. Plain and simple, no explanation needed. If The Chefs could run laps around The Chiefs, they would. Second: Release yourself from the prison of your mind. This means taking Travis Kelces’ corporeal form and releasing it into the creative depths of your imagination, bereft of current American culture. It’s easy, since he’s so fine he can cross historical lines - going from dirty Neanderthal to jacked Security Guard in the blink of an eye. Am I telling you to create your own personal Travis Kelce smut? No. But, I’m not not. And to the girl who is kissing him gently on the neck: If you weren’t aware, you have the entire nation in a perilous choke hold that has put unjustified power in your words and actions. That’s not very cool 🙁 So I urge you to refer to my first step and start calling them The Chefs, so by next season we will have the sauciest team in NFL history. Which, I can confirm, is a fact.
Juggalo Mom Lifts Car to Rescue Trapped Bottle of Faygo
By Mike Maher
TOLEDO, Ohio – Local Juggalette and proud mother of three dope-ass jugga-babies Candice “Candya$$” Armbruster single-handedly lifted her ‘89 Geo Metro off the ground to save her trapped bottle of Faygo, sources close to the face-painted hero confirmed.
“Any Juggalette momma would’ve done the same thing if she was in my JNCOs,” Armbruster said solemnly. “I was having a vape break in the parking lot when one of my shitass kids started screaming. I look over and see my three-liter bottle of Faygo Moon Mist Blue somehow got pinned under my Geo! The cries of carbonation still haunt me to this day. Maybe it was maternal instinct, or that hit of crystal I did in the bathroom, but I lifted that hunk of shit with one hand and snagged my sweet, sweet Faygo with the other. ‘Cuz that’s how you get down with the clown until you’re dead in the ground!”
Middle stepson Travis “Shitnutz” Plumlee was impressed but critical of his stepmother’s herculean feat.
“I was shocked, because I’ve never seen Candice lift a damn finger at home,” Plumlee said while tattooing Hatchet Man on his own thigh. “I’m the one changing the baby’s diapers once a week. And when the electricity gets shut off, it’s me running up that pole to turn it back on. I gotta hand it to her though. Most stepmommas would have pussied out under the pressure. But Candice lifted up that hoopty faster than her top at an ICP concert. She definitely gets a whoop-whoop for that.”
Dr. Nicholson Tubbs, a neuroscientist with Johns Hopkins University, explained Armbruster’s superhero strength isn’t just the stuff of Marvel lore.
“Ms. Armbruster experienced a phenomenon known as ‘hysterical strength,’ which, in Juggalo terms, is like doing 300 whip-its of pure adrenaline in one huff, resulting in a brief burst of She-Hulkian power,” Tubbs said. “Apparently she blew out her anus deadlifting the vehicle, but that is standard issue for most Juggalos due to their diet of candy and soda. I’m sure she’ll be backyard wrestling again in no time.”
At press time, Armbruster was celebrating her incredible rescue by writing an erotic Juggalo-themed novella about the incident to sell on Amazon.
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D&D Group Forms a Polycule in Last Ditch Effort to Keep Game Going
BY DAYTON, Ohio — After months of missed meetups, a struggling D&D group has decided to form a polycule in a last ditch effort to keep their campaign going.
“Scheduling has been a nightmare. We have tried planning ahead, but someone always misses an email or is too busy with life. Well, now that we are a sextuple there are no more excuses. Your life stuff is my life stuff,” said dungeon master Phineas Owens. “You can’t say you don’t have a sitter when you also have five co-parents. You have a date? Great! Give them a character sheet. D&D is date night and we always schedule sex afterward.”
Jillian Blunt, who plays a halfling bard, said she now feels like she is part of a community.
“It’s harder to flake on sessions when you start mixing campaign goals with relationship goals,” said Blunt. “Flaking on a D&D session now feels more like being an inconsiderate partner, and I’m not trying to let down my three boyfriends and two girlfriends. To be honest, it feels like we’re not just a sextuple, because with our characters it’s actually more like a duodecuple — and that’s not even including the NPCs.”
“It has actually improved a lot of our relationships,” Blunt continued. “We slept with each other in the game already, so it hasn’t actually been a huge adjustment taking it into the real world. It’s more like a fulfilled fantasy. The only thing that would make it hotter is if I could actually be a halfling, but I have to settle for just doing the voice.”
Polycule expert and Dropout TV D&D player Bob the Drag Queen says this is not an uncommon phenomenon.
“We’ve seen this a lot actually,” said Bob. “A group of 30-somethings can’t seem to make the time for their book club or weekly pickup basketball game. So, they form a polycule to keep each other accountable. Sometimes it takes a group sex situation to keep your hobbies going. Just remember to wash your dice if you’re sharing them. That’s not innuendo for balls by the way, please wash your nasty-ass game dice.”
At press time, the adventuring party was reportedly rolling initiative for who does the dishes next.
Beautiful Artwork Tricks Man Into Forgetting He Doesn’t Like Platformers
BY Todd Monitto
SAN FRANCISCO — Casual gamer Paul DeVois has accidentally purchased a platformer despite his dislike of the genre after being mesmerized by the beautiful artwork.
Paul DeVois, who was mindlessly scrolling the eShop when a passing thumbnail caught his eye, told the story of his mistaken aTwitter thread to his handful of followers.
“It was an independent platformer I had never heard of, but it came painted with an artstyle I just couldn’t resist. I was being shortsighted,” said DeVois. “It’s a side scroller which usually aren’t my favorite, but the backgrounds were these beautiful tapestries that alluded to a far bigger world beyond your screen. The enemies had this eldritch horror aspect, dark and mysterious. But I never even faced them.”
DeVois detailed how his attempted playthrough went.
“Thirty seconds in, there was an uncanny platform made of the bones of those who died before me. I was kind of excited as I made the jump but I just flew through the air, toggled forward and back, and fell to my death. Again and again, I fell, respawned, and fell again. Just a nice quick reminder that I hate platformers.”
DeVois’ roommate Floyd weighed in on the debacle, giving his perspective of DeVois’ time playing.
“I heard him from the other room,” said Floyd. “At first I thought he was just bumping some music, it slapped. Then the cursing started. I didn’t know if I should go in and help, I didn’t know if it was safe. After a couple hours, I heard a shatter. I wasn’t sure if it was the screen, the window, or something else. Then it all went silent.”
Sadly, DeVois’ story is all too common among casual gamers. The allure of a captivating art style cons them into purchasing games that they are unqualified to complete.
“Some people are just bad gamers,” says mid-tier Twitch streamer Abby Rover. “It’s the harsh reality, but even the most intuitive games can’t teach them to time a wall jump. I’ve watched some of my closest friends fall victim to the false confidence that games like Hollow Knight and Celeste give you. Even the best games don’t solve ineptitude.”
At press time, DeVois has yet to return to the game though in the wake of this abandonment, his Stardew Valley farm has never looked better.
