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Hard Digest August 9: Early Access The Decline of Western Civilization, Rare Cheeses, Recycling, Intermittent Fasting, and More
🕑 Added 2024-08-10 00:00:04 +0000 UTC4th Installment of “Decline of Western Civilization” to Focus on Depressing World of Punks Becoming Conservative Nutjobs
By Chris Bowen
LOS ANGELES — The newest installment of the classic punk and heavy metal documentary series “Decline of the Western Civilization” will feature a telling look into the lives of punks who became right-wing conservative crackpots as they aged, sources report.
“I thought filming all those sad, hopeless gutter punks in my third film and a drunken Chris Holmes in a swimming pool in the second one were never going to be topped. But seeing how many ‘punks’ have fallen victim to the conservative MAGA bullshit, I’ve truly outdone myself in exposing the scene’s sad state of affairs,” film director Penelope Spheeris explained. “I think these interviews with anti-vaxxers like Dicky Barrett and ‘anti-woke’ crusaders like Johnny Rotten will show the world of ‘conservative punks’ and how utterly sad and contradictory that phrase truly is.”
Derrick Eastman, a self-proclaimed “MAGA punk,” talked about being proud to be featured in the film.
“It’s great to see a film documenting the true punks out there, and not the whiny, inclusive, woke posers who suckle at the teet of the government, that’s why I throw all my energy in to supporting Trump, he’s the true spirit of punk, because he’s rich and from New York,” Eastman stated, adding that total authority against wokeism is as punk as it gets these days. “To hell with all that garbage about anarchy, equal rights, and acceptance. Punk is about state’s rights, fetal personhood, and the Second Amendment.”
A few members of the community were once bitten by the right-wing bug, but eventually came to their senses.
“All it took was one listen to ‘Nazi Punks, Fuck Off’ and hearing myself think ‘damn, Jello has always been a woke cuck, huh?’ for me to sit back and realize the monster I had become,” former conservative punk Wendy Bilowitz explained. “Can you believe the same guys who cried to ‘smash the state’ in their youth still claim they want to ‘smash the state’ even though they want to replace the state with a hate-filled puppet ignorant despot? So glad I got ‘woke’ when I did. Plus Burzum was starting to sound good to me and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies.”
At press time, conservative punks were in the process of building their version of CBGB’s called MAGA’s, but thankfully it burnt down due to faulty wiring.
5 Rare Cheeses My Apartment Smells Like Despite the Fact That I’m Vegan
By As a strong proponent of animal rights, as well as someone who understands the climate impact of large-scale agriculture, I pride myself on being a vegan. No animal products enter my domicile. That said, my apartment smells fucked up. But for those who take part in eating animal products, my apartment smells like a cheesemonger’s paradise. This has made me appreciate it a bit more because I get all the benefits of a cheese shop with none of the animal cruelty. So close your eyes and let your nose do the talking as we get to experience the aromas of high-end cheeses, without involving cows, sheep, or goats. Bon appétit!
Limburger
The classic and probably most known “stinky cheese”. Infamous for its strong, pungent aroma, Limburger is often compared to dirty socks. Which checks out, as I honestly can’t remember the last time I did laundry. I saw on TikTok that if you put your dirty socks out in the sun, the UV rays kill all bacteria in there. And as we all know, TikTok is always right. So I should try that. But I haven’t.
Roquefort
While I’ve never had it, my bloodmouth friends have told me Roquefort is actually quite delicious. However, it can have a strong, tangy smell that many describe as being similar to moldy or damp environments. So that makes sense since the tangy aroma of an expensive blue sheep cheese has been wafting from the pile of towels in the bathroom. All it takes is one post-shower use of my cheese towels, and you’ll be swept away on a magical trip to southern France. And then of course you’ll take a magical trip to the shower again because you’re gonna need some scrubbing to get that smell off. Sacre Bleu!
Vieux Boulogne
This cheese from coastal Northern France, is made from cow’s milk and has a washed rind that apparently contributes to its intense aroma. Many describe the smell as being similar to fish or even a large fish market. Vieux Boulogne has even been called the smelliest cheese in the world! Pretty amazing. What’s not amazing, is that I’m honestly not sure where the fishy Vieux Boulogne-esque smell in my apartment is coming from. I feel like when I stand near the radiator I can smell it the strongest. But it’s not coming from the actual radiator itself. And then sometimes when I’m on the couch, I feel like it’s wafting from the cushions. But after a solid sniff test, those cushions are a cheddar at most. But I suppose the key to keeping life interesting is mystery!
Taleggio
Mama Mia! This Italian cheese has a distinct aroma that some compare to earthy mushrooms and fungi. And I’ll tell you one thing: this fun-guy has had a crotch itch for about 5 months that’s whipping a Taleggio stank that’ll make even the most seasoned of Cheesemongers do a double take. Is it a fungus? Is it a rash? Is it just body odor caked on from years of playing basement shows with no ventilation? No one really knows. Including the CDC. Believe me, I’ve been contacted. But one thing’s for sure: my unwashed undercarriage smells like Italian cheese.
Casu Marzu
Our final entry is a traditional Sardinian cheese known for its pungency, as well as its dubious legality. This hard-to-find cheese is made by allowing fly larvae, otherwise known as maggots, to infest the cheese, which then break down the fats, resulting in a very pungent and sometimes fecal-like odor. Now before get you all judgmental: There’s no poop on my floor or anything gross like that. In fact the enticing aroma of Casu Marzu is coming from a wound on my leg. I open up my shin pretty bad, attempting to tre flip an 8-stair. Instead of going to the doctor I just wrapped one of my socks around it. But I think the sock has kinda fused with the wound. And I saw a documentary about how sometimes maggots can clean wounds, so… well you get it. Basically gourmands wanna smell my cheese leg, and I’ve got about 34 new wriggling animal companions. Talk about a win/win!
Fossil Fuel Industry Blames Global Environmental Crisis on Denver Man Who Doesn’t Recycle
By Tim Graham
DENVER — A multinational non-renewable energy corporation is attempting to pin all of Earth’s environmental problems on an individual from Colorado, according to sources who are just glad it’s not them to blame.
“The oil, coal and natural gas industries are doing everything they can to mitigate the effects of their products on the environment,” said spokesperson Alexis Stevens while tenderly cleaning oil from a baby duck. “But all of our efforts won’t make a bit of difference if consumers don’t do their part. Our research shows that the majority of the world’s current environmental issues are due to one Stewart Dubois of Denver, Colorado. Mr. Dubois has repeatedly demonstrated his disregard for the welfare of the planet by consistently putting the wrong items in recycling bins, as well as by owning a grossly inefficient vehicle. For shame, Mr. Dubois, for shame.”
Dubois was taken aback by the accusation, but said he will attempt to lessen his impact on the planet.
“Gee whiz, I had no idea I was causing such a problem,” said Dubois. “I do try to recycle, but between work, taking care of my kids and volunteering at the food pantry I admit I’ve let it fall by the wayside. As far as my gas-guzzler: I promise I’ll sell my ‘65 Charger, as much as I love it. It really does have bad gas mileage. I only drive it a few times a year to the local car show and had no idea it was producing enough pollution to cause a global catastrophe! I appreciate the oil and gas people pointing out my failures, and I promise to do better.”
Environmental activists have pushed back against the oil industry’s attempts to pass the buck.
“This is just another cynical attempt by corporations to blame consumers for problems they’ve caused,” said The Sierra Club’s Greg Lambert. “Only five percent of plastic that is intended to be recycled actually is, while the rest is thrown away. It’s all performative nonsense meant to shame the public into thinking it’s their fault the Earth is going to shit. This is similar to when a desperate Bear Stearns tried to blame the 2008 financial crisis on a Missouri man who was a few days late on his mortgage payment.”
At press time, Dubois had promised to ride his bicycle 49 hours to an upcoming conference in Omaha in an effort to lessen his carbon footprint.
How to Reframe Eating an Entire Freezer Pizza in One Sitting Every Single Night as “Intermittent Fasting”
By Ithink fad diets are as stupid as the next guy, but not all fad diets are created equal. I’ve recently taken to eating an entire large freezer pizza every single night as my only viable source of nutrients (along with 10 or 12 beers), which is not met with the positive reception you’d think. Since life is mostly a long game of bending the truth until it’s seen in a much more favorable light, I’ve reframed my binge-eating and drinking disorder as “intermittent fasting,” and suddenly everybody wants a piece of the pie.
Now, there are different variations of intermittent fasting that you should be familiar with before diving into the DiGiorno deep-end, and I’m going to give you the rundown.
There’s the “16/8” method, when you fast for two-thirds of the day, and then consume all of your calories within an eight-hour window. This is a good starting point, especially if you’re into day-drinking.
And then there’s the more favorable “23/1,” one-meal-a-day, or OMAD method, which is the one I subscribe to every single night as I plow through a Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust pepperoni pizza with two-and-a-half feet of cheese in the crust alone. After your sixth double IPA, compounded by the fact that you’ve not eaten anything in nearly a day, you may as well be eating paper, so this is easy eating.
Call it alcoholism and a poor diet, but I call it “half-in-the-bag macro hacking.”
And let me tell you, I’ve never felt better. My movements are more regular, even though bloody stool is an increasingly common occurrence. I sleep like a rock every single night because there’s so much grain, dairy, and meat sloshing around in my stomach that I basically fall into a state of shock before eventually waking up to the sound of my own screaming after yet another heartburn-induced, sweat-drenched nightmare.
Most importantly, I’ve lost about thirty pounds since telling everybody how I’m really just getting my steps in and tracking my caloric intake whenever they ask, “what’s your secret?” and I don’t want to answer with “throwing up first thing every morning and waiting until sunset before heating up another Freschetta flat-bread to gorge on in the darkness of my apartment.”
Just make sure you get a couple deluxe pies under your belt, because the green peppers and olives will be your only reliable source of fiber at this point, and you’re gonna need it.
Immersive eSports Experience Lets Gamers Have Slurs Yelled Right in Their Face
BY Matt Fresh
BURBANK, Calif. — An all new completely immersive eSports experience will allow gamers the chance to have slurs yelled directly into their face instead of being confined to game chat.
The event, called Alpha Gaming Xperience, will be a pop-up experience with multiple locations throughout the country.
“I’m so excited to give regular gamers a chance to experience what it’s like in the eSports scene,” said event creator William Keith in a press release. “Most gamers never really get to know what it’s like on the pro scene. Some will see it as part of the live crowd but it’s not the same as being in the trenches. Now they’ll get the opportunity to be a pro for a day and take in all the awful smells and bigotry that comes with it.”
Stephen “Buckshot” Woltz, a former pro Valorant player served as a consultant to make sure the event is 100% authentic.
“I made sure that what is offered to gamers is completely true to the eSports experience. So it will be actors that will make up the teams that guests get to be part of but I trained them in how to act like a real eSports team to each other and to their rivals. I taught them all the basics, how to properly rage at a death, how to always blame a teammate and the most important thing, an extensive slur vocabulary. Now, the vile that spews from their mouths now is as good as anything I’ve ever heard a gamer shout.”
Keith further explained what gamers can expect from the event.
“It’s a full interactive experience where guests will be ushered into a foul smelling arena and get placed on a team, they’ll play a match of a competitive game of their choice. Based on how the game goes, a rival or even a teammate may come up and yell a slur at them. The actors are instructed to get as close to their face as humanely possibly without risking a lawsuit.”
At press time, employees of the event are reportedly undergoing therapy to undo the effects of learning how to be pro gamers.
