thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest August 15: Early Access Concertgoers, Garbage Pail Kids, Ghosts, and More
🕑 Added 2024-08-16 00:00:07 +0000 UTCSelf-Conscious Concertgoer Really Needed to Hear Crowd He’s In Was Amazing Tonight
By Neel Bhakta
MILWAUKEE — Local sad sack and frequent concert attendee Jorges Henderson recently had his spirits lifted after hearing the singer of the band Stubbourne say the crowd he was in was amazing, uplifted sources reported.
“Look, I’ll be honest. Life’s been tough. I don’t have many friends and I’m stuck at this dead end corporate job where I fuck everything up but not in a cool, ‘Office Space’ way, more so in a sad, pathetic, and overly incompetent way,” said the dejected 32-year-old Henderson. “To help cope, I went to the Stubbourne show last night and they said something that really changed my outlook on life. The vocalist thanked the crowd for being amazing and this was just after I let out a little woo with a fist pump so I think they were talking directly to me. It’s like he was Tony Robbins or something.”
The lead vocalist of the band thinks Henderson might’ve taken the comment a little too personally.
“Oh, ok so this is kind of awkward. It’s cool that one guy is happier, but don’t get it twisted. We say that to every crowd and give them the compliment so they feel incentivized to cheer louder after we play one of our less popular or brand new songs,” said frontwoman Lydia Spears. “Look, they can’t all be amazing. Especially if it’s Milwaukee, there’s no way in hell Wisconsin would be the best show we’d ever play. Those assholes only bought two shirts and one LP but they had no problem snatching up all of our free stickers from the merch table. Honestly, worst crowd we’ve ever had.”
Researchers at Marquette University have studied this phenomenon extensively and found it similar to the placebo effect.
“It’s very interesting indeed. We noticed a majority of depressed concertgoers rebounded tremendously after hearing praise from a drunk singer in a dingy, odorous venue, even after controlling for external variables like expensive ticket prices, physical injury in the pit, and annoying people who won’t shut up during the entire show,” said a puzzled Dr. Brittany Forester. “But, on the other hand, it makes complete sense. Of course, people with low self-esteem would slurp up any positive feedback, even if it’s an empty gesture meant to fill space while guitarists tune their instruments. That being said, these singers are motivating and inspiring the masses. In that sense, they’re shaping up to be the true backbone of American society, much more than cops or politicians at the very least.”
At press time, therapists across the world are demanding bands to stop spreading positive affirmations, as their clientele has dropped by 90%.
If My Nieces and Nephews Didn’t Want To Hear Me Drunkenly Rant About How Cool Garbage Pail Kids Cards Were, They Shouldn’t Have Brought up Whatever the Fuck They Were Talking About
By Chris Bratton
First of all, I am allowed to have a social life. I’m not just gonna sit alone in my apartment like there is no life out there to live. I refuse, flat out refuse, to clear my entire day just because my sister’s twins are turning twelve and the fam is getting together at four for a BBQ. The Pub was playing a replay of the “Miracle on Ice” game at noon, and day drinking on a weekend day isn’t sad, it’s called “Brunch.” What it would have been is unpatriotic; if you skip knocking back six Miller High Lifes and watching that game you are basically spitting on a war memorial.
And, what were the kids even talking about? Pokemon? That is basically a cock fighting ring for snuggly animals that fart lightning. Hey kids, breeding pit bulls to fight each other is A-OK as long as you can encapsulate their sadness in a mystical ball after they lose. What could be better than that? How about a stack of gross-out cards that double as stickers and also stick it to lame-ass cabbage patch dolls!
My nephew Steve looked at me with a blank stare when I rattled off the best Steve cards. Stuffed Steve, he was a kid made of bread and stuffed into a turkey, that’s dope. Heavin Stevens, that was puking, one was like a polar bear boy puking into an ICEE cup, that is super gross! Stumped Steve, was a little wooden totem kid with an ax through his head, genius! And all that little shit could do was look me dead in the eyes and try to steer the conversation back to new “skins” dropping in Fortnite that night. “Fuck that” I yelled.
Then, my sister insisted I talk to the adults, so I cracked a twisted tea and sat down with my finance bro inlaw. Apparently, he doesn’t consider the Garbage Pail Kids movie an investment, even though I have like one of the five known copies on beta-max and a Japanese bootleg on laserdisc. Let’s all just pretend, that when I sell my original 1985 Adam Bomb card, I wont clear 5k on that sale. But okay, sure, I’m the asshole because I won’t take my cigarette out front. Family is the worst.
Ghost Feeling Pressure to Be “On” in Front of Family That Just Moved Into House
By Matt Husser
BANGOR, Maine — The Ghost of Downing Manor was reportedly feeling pressure to be “on” and haunt the family that just moved into his house despite not really being in the mood to entertain guests, paranormal sources confirmed.
“It’s not that I don’t enjoy scaring the shit out of people, but I just drove the last family out of the house screaming a couple days ago and I was hoping to have a little ‘me time’ before I had any more new guests,” said the specter, watching the family unpack through the eye holes of an oil painting. “Nobody understands that it takes a lot of energy to think of creative ways to haunt people—you have to strike the right balance so you scare them enough that they leave, but not so much that they try to find the source of your eternal trauma and banish your soul to purgatory forever. I just need a couple of days to recharge and then I’ll feel mentally prepared to spray ectoplasm out of the shower and drop a chandelier on the table during dinner.”
New homeowner Stuart Barnes was reportedly unimpressed with the apparition’s efforts after scarcely witnessing so much as a door unnaturally slamming shut over the entire weekend.
“I didn’t sell our old house, pack up my family, and move into the infamous ‘Downing Murder House’ just for some sad sack ghost to half-ass his haunting duties,” said Barnes, unscrewing the single hanging light bulb leading to the creepy attic. “This was supposed to be a traumatizing new chapter in our lives that we’d never fully recover from, but this ghost can’t even be bothered to briefly appear in the mirror and then disappear when I turn around. And would it kill him to smear a little blood on the walls? My five-year old isn’t even having any nightmares, and that kid is scared of the Mucinex booger.”
The signs of a haunting were reportedly so slim that Barnes called in a paranormal investigator to determine if there was even a ghost in the house at all.
“This EKG reading barely shows a hint of paranormal activity, confirming my worst fears—this lazy new generation of poltergeists doesn’t even want to haunt anymore!” said ghost hunter Dale Parsons, sweeping the dusty manor for signs of spectral activity. “These modern ghouls are so big on boundaries and flexible haunting hours that they forget the thrill of tormenting a man night after night until they slowly drive them to the brink of madness. Now, if you’re lucky enough to move into a house with a Victorian-era ghost you’ll see some real work ethic—even the creepy child ghosts will ask you to come play with them at all hours of the night. But these lazy ghosts nowadays won’t even rattle a cabinet after 5pm on a Friday.”
At press time, Barnes was reportedly similarly frustrated after a late-night encounter in the woods with a werewolf wearing a “Not Friendly—Do Not Pet!” vest.
More From The Hard Times:
Every Baroness Album Ranked Worst to Best
RFK Jr Revealed to be Elaborate Kojima Marketing Bit
BY Matt Fresh
WASHINGTON — In a shocking, albeit not that surprising in hindsight, turn of events, independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been revealed to be another one of Hideo Kojima’s elaborate forms of marketing.
The reveal happened at the end of one of RFK Jr’s signature strange livestreams as he was eating honey from an active beehive while telling the story of how he once killed a Chupacabra.
“Was I frightened when I was confronting the Chupacabra? Of course I was but that fear fueled me and made me stronger than any man has ever been,” claimed Kennedy in his signature hoarse voice. “I became so strong that I tapped into a part of my DNA that made me transcend my own humanity and with the help of the nanomachines that were injected in me long ago I was able to telepathically control all the insects in the forest to help me defeat the mighty beast before I consumed its heart and absorbed its power for myself.”
It was at this moment when the livestream began to have apparent technical issues as it started cutting in and out before fading to the Kojima Productions logo. Hideo Kojima himself then came onscreen to reveal the ruse.
“What happens when the strange becomes normal? What happens when those in power are more monster than man? What happens when fear and confusion become the driving force of humanity? These are the questions that I will be exploring in my next project, an action thriller starring Charlee Fraser as a young woman forced to fight against a corrupt politician who abuses the laws of nature to threaten what it means to be human and all we take for granted. Thank you.”
The announcement sent the gaming world into a frenzy, with many claiming it all makes perfect sense in hindsight.
“OMG OMG OMG NEW KOJIMA GAME!!!!! RFK Jr. was never real, just a way to announce the game. I can’t believe we never figured it out, this man is talking in that voice, discussing killing bears and taking videos covered in bugs. No human acts like that, only Kojima characters,” wrote Twitter user FatSkinnyMan.
At press time, many gamers are claiming that this new Kojima game is actually a rework of the previously announced PS5 game Abandoned.
Ouija Board Bought on Craigslist Gives ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL’ Error on First Try
BY NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A local man has learnt the dangers of buying used products online as a Ouija board he bought off of Craigslist was delivered to him broken.
38-year-old construction worker, Steve Canvas, bought the Ouija board that he immediately noticed was in faulty condition.
“Look, I just wanted to talk to my dead dog, Rusty, and I read online that the best way to contact the dead is by using a Ouija board. I found one for 2 dollars on Craigslist. The price should have been a red flag, along with the seller’s username, ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch.’ But what can you do? I was missing Rusty so much,” said Canvas to the local news.
After receiving the item in the mail, Canvas sadly found that the Ouija board did not work.
“I got the damn thing wrapped in tinfoil. I was like, ‘This is not good…’ but I gave it a try. You know, I trust people; I’m not going to judge ‘Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch’ just because the dude had a funny name. My dog’s name was ‘Rusty,’ for goodness’ sake. Anyway, I got my hands on the damn thing, and the first thing it did was give me this message: ‘IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL.’ I tried and tried, but it always showed the same message. That’s not Rusty. Rusty would never say anything but ‘Give me sausages.’”
When asked for a comment ”Cheapbutworking247_420_bitch” replied,
”Hell yeah bröther!!!”
Steve says he contacted Ouija customer support but says they were less than helpful.
“They told me to boot it from a Ouija Boot Board but I don’t have one. Then they said they would send me a Ouija board with a boot file that he can use to clean install a new Ouija 11 operating system. But the install keeps getting stuck.”
At press time, Steve was reportedly seen starting a seance in his home to try fixing the issue but neighbors could see a bright blue light emanating from his home indicating he once again failed.
