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Hard Digest September 2: Early Access WWE, Dental Surgery, Fruitopia, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-03 00:00:03 +0000 UTCMillennial’s Alcoholism Traced Back to Prolonged Exposure to Attitude-Era WWE as a Child
By Chris Bowen
PHILADELPHIA — Local 36-year-old Dennis Waller’s out-of-control alcohol problem can evidently be traced back to the large amount of mid-to-late ‘90s professional wrestling he watched religiously in his formative years, several “rudy-poo candy-ass” sources report.
“I don’t need to hear a bunch of jabronis pissin’ n’ moanin’ about how many cold ones I wanna knock back seven nights a week,” Waller explained while wearing a leather vest over his shirtless body. “If some soft sumbitch comes at me spoutin’ some nonsense about how I can’t drive because I drank beer from a firehouse for six hours, or wants to kick me out for stunnerin’ some jackass unconscious, I’ll open up a can of ass whoopin’ on um’ and that’s the bottom line. Also, if alcohol is so bad, why did Stone Cold Steve Austin make it look so damn cool?”
Wallers’ parents share a strong concern for the wellbeing of their son and those around him.
“If we had known he would turn out to be such an out of control drunk, we would have made him watch WCW instead,” Cindy Waller explained. “Dennis’ father and I completely forbade him from any WCW out of a fear that Eric Bischoff would make an impression on him. In that aspect, sure, we lucked out. But now he constantly gets hammered and gives people the middle finger before putting them in a headlock and trouncing them to the ground. If only we could turn back time and have him only watch ‘American Gladiators’ or ‘Reading Rainbow’ instead!”
Drug and alcohol counselor Dr. Martha Ellenstein says the correlation between 1990s programming and destructive behavior in adult life is quite alarming.
“If you’re in your mid or late 30s right now, chances are you were exposed to some traumatizing, habit-influencing television in your adolescent years and it has sadly ruined your chances at leading a happy life,” Dr. Ellensein explained. “I have one 34-year-old patient whose life was ruined by watching too much ‘Biker Mice from Mars’ as a child. It influenced him to become one of those people who owns rodents as pets. Clearly, his chances at friendship, love, or family bonding are impossible. That’s almost as bad as my patient who insists on living in a van like Cody from ‘Step by Step.’”
At press time, Waller’s current job as an undertaker was somehow traced back to his fandom of professional wrestler Undertaker.
Malpractice? This Doctor Has Terrible Yelp Reviews but Still Won’t Sell Me Fentanyl
By Idon’t know all of my legal rights as a patient, but what I do know is that for a guy with one star on Yelp, Dr. Jeremy Hanson sure is tight-ass when it comes to prescriptions. Look I’ve seen that John Mulaney special, so I know how this is supposed to go. I found the worst-reviewed doctor on Yelp and asked him point blank for highly addictive and dangerous drugs I don’t need. Dude has one star for a reason.
But this guy just looked at me and said “Opioid addiction is a serious problem in this country.” Thanks for the PSA, dork. If I wanted an analysis of the socio-economic issues plaguing the US, I would’ve asked Jake Tapper to be my plug.
He clearly doesn’t know who I am. Nobody doesn’t sell me illegal drugs. I’m not totally sure what “malpractice” means, but my dad’s lawyer friends do, and that’s what counts. Dr. Hanson will definitely be hearing from one of those guys as soon as I can figure out a way to make it seem like he’s the bad guy. I’m self aware enough to realize that on the surface I just seem like a self-entitled jerk with pretty serious addiction issues that I don’t want to address.
What’s even more ridiculous, is this quack tried to act like this was a really medical appointment. Saying things like, I have “high blood pressure” and “probably should eat less red meat” and “show signs of anxiety and depression”. Is this dork serious? If I wanted medical advice, I’d watch a video on YouTube that just confirms the viewpoint I already have. Nobody goes to a doctor for medical advice unless they have at least a million subscribers or have done a collab with Rogan.
Thankfully he did have the hookup on some nose candy, so at least I got to do a rail. It was some new stuff from the streets, that you apply topically. I mean he called it “hydrocortisone cream” and said it was for my “rash. But c’mon, with one star and reviews THAT low, we all know this ain’t rash cream. On an entirely unrelated note, my dermatitis has gone away, and my arthritis flare-ups have calmed down. Cocaine fucking rules.
Donald Trump Promises To Bring Fruitopia Vending Machines Back to Public Schools if Elected in Latest Unhinged Rant
By LAS VEGAS — Former president Donald Trump told attendees at an outdoor rally that he would bring Fruitopia vending machines back to public schools within the first 100 days of his presidency if elected, puzzled sources confirmed.
“We will reinstall every Fruitopia vending machine, and those were beautiful machines, that were so cruelly and unfairly taken from us by the communists, Marxists, perverts, and radical left thugs who so desperately want to destroy our country and install Aquafina vending machines in their place,” Trump said as rallygoers behind him languished noticeably in the 104-degree heat. “They cheated you out of your cold and refreshing Fruitopia just as they cheated me out of the 2020 election, which everybody knows I won. They live like vermin within the confines of our beloved country, and only by voting for me will we be able to root them out and end their radical hydration-based agenda.”
Audience member Alex Burnside was initially confused by the former president, but soon found himself on board with the message.
“At first, I had no idea what he was talking about,” said Burnside just after bringing water to a nearby attendee who was suffering from heatstroke within full view of Trump. “Then I started to vaguely remember those colorful vending machines that had been in my high school in the late ‘90s. This is an outrage! I can’t believe Killary and the lying Democrats stole those from us, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They’ll stop at nothing to ruin the American way of life.”
Betina Pereira, Market Research Consultant at RTP Concepts in Atlanta, had serious doubts about the chances of Trump’s promise being carried out.
“Fruitopia was discontinued in the United States over two decades ago, after years of declining popularity and successful efforts by health experts based on the negative effects of high fructose corn syrup water being so readily available to students,” Pereira sighed. “It makes sense to me that Trump is nostalgic for it, but it really shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point that this is just another empty promise he’s making. It’s patently obvious that he’s just running for president to stay out of prison, so he’ll say anything at this point.”
At press time, Trump also promised to return the Supersize option back to McDonald’s, but by then he was in his third hour of speaking and most of the crowd had either fallen asleep or filtered out of the venue.
Cosmere RPG Rulebooks Just Brandon Sanderson’s Collected Works
BY Kyle Duggan
LOS ANGELES — After securing nearly $15 million in funds through a Kickstarter campaign, Brandon Sanderson announced that the core books for his in-development tabletop RPG will be the entire corpus of his written work, sources confirm.
“I write hard magic systems,” said Sanderson during an episode of his “Writing Excuses” podcast. “That means you can’t throw out a single word. If a player hasn’t read all of my books, then the whole magical architecture collapses. It quite literally becomes dangerous to use. Besides, there needs to be a cost for all things. In order to play my RPG, you must sacrifice the funds necessary to obtain every single novel I have ever written. You might think that this would exclude my non-Cosmere works, but remember, it’s a hard magic system. That means it’s comprehensive.”
Sanderson’s fans were thrilled with the announcement.
“Another win for the hardest working writer in genre fiction,” said Neil Hopkins, who works over seventy hours every week between three jobs. “I’m just glad that someone who understands magic is making a TTRPG. Magic isn’t supposed to be mysterious or enigmatic, and it’s certainly not supposed to illuminate themes within a narrative. It’s supposed to be a simple system where you trade points for very specific powers. Also, I’m glad that there will finally be a TTRPG where sex is explicitly prohibited. I hate horny players.”
Industry analysts were less optimistic about Sanderson’s foray into the gaming space.
“Sure, twenty years ago, this game would have been a hit,” said Jonas Buchanan, a prominent tabletop blogger. “Back then, most games were rigid, rules-based affairs. They were just like Sanderson’s books. Any time you wanted to do anything interesting or creative, you had to rely on your DM to loosen up a little bit. That’s not the case anymore. There are many systems that allow for much more open and free play. Unfortunately for Sanderson, the current TTRPG environment favors storytelling over nitpicky mechanics. It’s a shame he is so focused on the latter.”
At press time, Sanderson announced that he had written three more novels that will be added to the game’s required core materials.
Opinion: Millennials Would Be Able to Afford Homes If They Didn’t Let Older Kids Trick Them Into Giving Up Their Most Valuable Pokémon Cards
BY I’m sick of hearing millennials whine about how they can’t afford homes. The truth is, everyone in this spoiled generation would be living it up if they hadn’t let older kids trick them into giving up their most valuable Pokémon cards.
The Pokémon Trading Card Game’s original 1999 Base Set provided millennials with the most valuable assets they’ve ever had their hands on. Twenty-five years later, some holographic cards from this set can be worth tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, reports suggest most millennials were hustled out of these holos by older, shrewder children, locking them out of the housing market and lowering the standard of living for their entire generation.
I’ve heard some truly embarrassing anecdotes about millennials who foolishly gave away these golden tickets for little or nothing. One was beaten by an older kid who misrepresented the rules, saying that the winner got to keep the loser’s six prize cards, which included two First Edition Blastoise holos. This millennial later read the rule book and found out that’s not what the prize cards were for, but the older kid wouldn’t give them back.
In another case, a millennial traded a bunch of his Base Set holos after an older kid at a Toys “R” Us Pokémon League told him they were fake because the borders around the artwork didn’t have drop shadows. He later learned that shadowless cards are actually from an earlier print than cards with shadows and are more valuable. Yikes!
Advocates have been calling on local and state governments, Congress, and the president to take action to increase the affordability of housing, saying that an economy based on who was lucky enough to hang on to a bunch of decades-old trading cards isn’t fair.
But why should some dimwit who traded a PSA 10 First Edition Base Set Charizard for one of those Ancients Mew promo cards they gave out with tickets for Pokémon the Movie 2000 be bailed out by someone who played by the rules and kept their holos in a binder until the market was hot?
If millennials want to be taken seriously, it’s time for them to stop acting so entitled and take some responsibility for themselves by learning how to cheat today’s children out of cool collectibles that might become valuable someday.
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