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Hard Digest September 17: Secret Service, Early Access Uber Drivers, Michale Graves, Bank Robbers, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-18 00:00:06 +0000 UTCSecret Service Considers Asking Agents Back to Office at Least Two Days a Week
By WASHINGTON — Ronald Rowe Jr, acting director of the Secret Service, held a press conference today to announce that he is heavily considering requesting all members of the Secret Service return to the office in person for at least 2 days a week following another attempt on former president Trump’s life.
“As our world returns to normal, we’re requesting that all our agents begin to guard our nation’s top political leaders in person at least two days a week,” Rowe Jr. said. “There’s something special and spontaneous about our work when we’re actually together in person diving on top of a politician. You never know what conversations or ideas can happen down there in the huddle. We know this is a big change for our #SecretFamily so in the short term we’re going to get things going by simply requesting all the human shields on salary begin turning their cameras on during the Zoom calls.”
“We can do this guys,” he added.
Not every Secret Service agent was happy with the plan.
“No one knows this but during COVID I actually took on two extra work-from-home jobs,” one Secret Service agent, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “All the other guys use the little earpieces to communicate about which rooftops have been cleared or whatever. I’m usually on a weekly ‘all hands’ call for one of my other jobs doing social media marketing for an organic, sustainable shampoo company. I would keep my webcam off during my Secret Service shifts. It was never a problem until people started pointing guns at Trump.”
Critics of the plan say expanding the Secret Service’s in person work week is impractical and fiscally irresponsible.
“Have you seen the Secret Service bill when Biden goes for ice cream? We’d be better off paying Ben and Jerry themselves to come down and sing some Cold Stone style songs as they mash a Butterfinger into a sundae on the resolute desk. Which oddly enough is something The President has requested several times,” said Jane Loyd, head of accounting at the service. “It’s easy for costs to pile up. Every time the person we’re protecting uses a private jet, we need to rent a jet of the same exact caliber for us to follow behind it – and for national security purposes it’s important the leather is of the same grade and quality. The whole interior, bathroom, everything needs to be on point or these boys just can’t function the way they’re expected to.”
As of press time, rumors were swirling that the secret service would also soon politely ask employees to stop outsourcing their jobs overseas to cheap, suspiciously Russian-sounding freelancers.
Uber Driver Named Jehu Has No Idea What 45-Year-Old Passenger Is Going On About
By Kyle Donley
FARMINGDALE, N.Y. — Uber driver Jehu Maboul had absolutely no clue what his passenger Darren Blaylock was going on about after continuous references to post-hardcore band Drive Like Jehu, befuddled sources confirmed.
“The universe works in mysterious ways,” said Blaylock before asking Maboul if it was ok to smoke a cigarette in his car during the ride. “Someone a bit more cynical might refer to this as mere coincidence, but Drive Like Jehu meant so much to me in 10th grade, ya know? This is basically equivalent to seeing the band live in 1993 or dare I say their reunion in the mid-2010s. How could this be random? Automatic five-star rating for Jehu.”
Maboul was bewildered by Blaylock the entire ride and assumed his passenger was intoxicated.
“This man sounded delirious and just started spouting word salads like ‘Yank Crime’ and ‘Bullet Train to Vegas,’” said Maboul. “He was bowing down to me and saying Fugazi was too political and Quicksand was too commercial and that he needed to call Matt because Matt would love this. Who is Matt? I do not know. When I asked Darren what he meant, he did say that Matt is more of a Hot Snakes guy, which even further confused me. But hey, he tipped me 50% in the end. Totally worth fearing for my life for the majority of that ride.”
Police pulled Maboul over at one point after he was seen swerving on the road.
“There was no indication that the driver was impaired, but the passenger kept belligerently repeating something about how Jehu drives like that. I don’t know. I couldn’t follow any of it,” said Officer Aiello. “In fact, it was the passenger who appeared to be the aggressor, and kept saying that if a seminal post-hardcore band was his namesake, he’d want to check out their seminal major label debut. We immediately performed a field sobriety test on Mr. Blaylock and had to detain him right there on the spot despite him passing our procedures. We just can’t have reckless passengers endangering the lives of rideshare drivers.”
At press time, Blaylock couldn’t believe his luck when he met a woman named June who just happened to be 44 years old, as he couldn’t help but constantly reference post-hardcore group June of 44.
The Next Michale Graves? This Proud Boy Turns Into a Big Whiny Crybaby Every Saturday Night
By Chris Bowen
If you’re a Misfits fan, you know you have to pick a side. It’s either “Team Danzig,” or it’s “Team Graves” (because let’s face it, no one wants to be on Jerry’s team.) If you swear allegiance to the team led by the clown shoes jerk nobody likes (that isn’t Glen Danzig), then you’re in luck because there’s another right-wing, Halloween-decoration-looking whine-ass fresh on the scene!
Meet Richard Warren. Much like Graves, Warren is a vocalist. He’s the lackluster replacement singer for a band that he has no business being in, and he’s also a Proud Boy who has completely missed the point of punk music in general. Sound familiar? You bet it does! You “American Psycho” you.
But there is one thing in particular Warren does best to mirror Graves, and that’s cry like a little, wimpy Nazi bitch on the weekend.
Sure, he talks a big game during the week. What, with his “my freedoms this” and “they stole the election that.” But it’s a good thing January 6th was on a Wednesday, because had it been a Saturday, ol’ spooky-bigot-crybaby may have had to sit that one out because nobody wants to hang out with him and even his family ignores his texts.
“There was something I forgot to say, I was crying on a Saturday night,” is the famous Graves-era lyric that Warren essentially lives his life by. One could imagine lighting tiki torches by yourself on a Saturday Night because you have no friends would cause anyone to cry, even a self-proclaimed American patriot like Warren, who likes to blame all of his life’s problems on everyone else. So if you see him lonely in the backseat at the drive-in, just remember he has no one to blame for it but himself.
Maybe this has been a little harsh, maybe it’s a case of beating a man while he’s down. After all, he is spending the next 25 years in federal prison for inciting an insurrection. But Richard Warren, and Michale Graves alike have a bright future ahead of themselves with a new election coming up. Maybe they will both achieve their vision of a fascist takeover. Or maybe they’ll just be a couple of angry blat-asses. Only time will tell.
Progressive Bank Robbers Would Like to Start Holdup with Land Acknowledgement
By Livy Berry
DENVER — A group of left-leaning bank robbers decided to start a recent holdup by acknowledging the crime they were committing was happening on land stolen from Indigenous people, confirmed sources who agree that it is becoming more and more important to recognize our crimes of the past.
“Alright, nobody try to be a hero,” lead robber Jacob Hartley said. “But before we get this started, I’d just like to acknowledge that we are in fact on native land, and everything we have here is because of a genocide that happened years ago. With this in mind, it is our duty now to all agree to treat this land and its inhabitants as mindfully and respectfully as possible, please raise your hands if you agree. Now everybody get on the fucking ground or I’ll blow your fucking brains all over the wall!”
This simple, yet meaningful gesture was enough to catch the attention of even the hostages, despite having much more pressing matters to focus on.
“I thought it was just brilliant!” said Sandra Anders, a particularly wealthy-looking white hostage. “It really speaks to their characters that they would take the time to do something like this. Really, that is what our society needs more of! I myself try to be as inclusive as possible with the minority and lower-class children at my sons’ private school. I just wish my kids could be here now to see such incredible role models at work.”
While this act received much praise, there were some people who were not happy with this progressive attitude.
“I just don’t understand why this woke shit has gotta be everywhere these days!” Exclaimed Judd Daniels, somebody’s uncle, waiting just on the other side of the police tape. “Can’t we just get fucking on with it? Now listen, I’m perfectly fine with the Indians, but do we really have to be apologizing to them all the time? It’s not like I killed their grandparents! They seem fine! They’ve got their spaces, we’ve got ours, whatever! When is the SWAT team headed in? That’s when this shit gets good!”
At press time, Hartley was seen wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt before burglarizing a Black-owned business.
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Rumor: Nintendo Power Hotline Was Feeding Kamala Harris Tips During Debate
BY Dan Katz
PHILADELPHIA — As the fallout from the first debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump continues, extreme right-wing influencers have started an unsubstantiated rumor that Ms. Harris received tips from the Nintendo Power Hotline via an earpiece during the debate. Trump has since amplified those rumors, specifically pointing out her detailed answer to a question about The Legend of Zelda on the Nintendo Entertainment System.
“I heard Kamabla—I like to call her that, should we call her that?—had a little something in the ear,” Mr. Trump claimed at a Las Vegas rally. “Someone at Nintendo—people are saying it could be more than one person—was giving her the answers. Zelda on NES, such a tough game, some say impossible. But somehow, she knew…First Quest, there are two quests, not many people know that…to walk north four times in the Lost Hills to get to the Lizard dungeon?”
Laura Loomer, far-right activist and alleged roommate of Mr. Trump, posted on X that Ms. Harris’ earrings were actually Nova H1 audio earphones, connected to a live agent at the Nintendo Power Hotline. She claimed that the vice president could not have remembered the tricks to speed-running Metroid.
“No way this unqualified woman had immediate recall of how to skip the Kraid and Ridley fights, nearly 40 years after Metroid’s release,” wrote Loomer, referring to Harris’ thorough response to a question posed by moderator David Muir. “She had a Nintendo nerd—one of her cousins in an Indian call center, no doubt—ready to go, telling her to lure a Rio through the door to the Kraid and Ridley statues so she could freeze it and use it as a stepping stone to the door on the other side of the room.”
Vice President Harris dismissed her opponent’s claims as “unhinged,” explaining that playing Nintendo was her way to unwind in law school.
“I am sorry this…former president…has neither the intellectual curiosity nor the temperament to problem-solve, be it as the leader of our country or when playing challenging NES games,” Ms. Harris responded. “Not only is his accusation yet another conspiracy theory designed to steer attention away from his disaster of a vision for America, but spending $1.50 per minute during a 90-minute debate would have been an irresponsible use of taxpayer dollars.”
At press time, Governor Tim Walz was helping his running mate refurbish her Nintendo’s 72-pin connector, suggesting that the more reliable top-loader NES console might be a sound investment.
Company That Would Fire You for Talking About Unionizing Doesn’t Want a Union to Destroy Great Office Culture
BY OMAHA, NE — Citing an “immaculate office culture” and a “can do spirit” from all of its employees, sources at the “Good Standing Insurance Company” confirmed last week that the firm is doubling down on its anti-union commitment. This comes just days after the mass firing of over twenty employees, allegedly for “pro union activities.”
“We have a really great time here,” said Good Standing CEO Gary Fulmer. “We hire rock stars and rock stars only. And we’re a family. A whole family of rock stars. You want some mean, burly union guy, probably with tattoos and all sorts of mafia connections to come in and ruin that? No. And that’s why we won’t let this happen. Because the minute we start to hear talk about ‘solidarity,’ the pink slips have to come out and we have to fire some of our little family. And no one wants that. No one wants to be the one to pull the plug on Grandma. But sometimes you have to say, ‘She’s having too many accidents on the good sheets.’ And then you gotta put her down.”
It is, of course, “illegal” in the United States to fire workers for collective organizing. Good Standing HR Head Traci Tathers says that forces her to be creative.
“Oh sure, I’ve had to get real clever with it,” said Tathers. “During the last, you know, u-word purge, I had one that I let go for ‘taking phone calls on company time.’ And I had this other one where I had to say he was getting let go because we said he was missing too much work. Course, that was because his kid had leukemia. But I’m not a monster. I sent him a lovely homemade sympathy card with his papers.”
Employees at Good Standing Insurance seemed hesitant to speak with reporters about the situation, but Claims Adjuster Peter Bertke gave a brief statement.
“We don’t need unions here,” said Bertke, with a kind of chipperness that implied someone might be listening in. “Our company culture is excellent. We are a family. A family of rockstars. All of the labor rabble-rousers that were let go were ungrateful, toxic people. I don’t need a union coming in and ruining what’s good about Good Standing. Which is the good culture. I mean great. The great culture at Good Standing. Yes.”
At press time, company executives were brainstorming a “compassionate, empathetic way” to let the general staff know that they were probably going to have to come in on Saturday to correct an error the CFO made.
