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Hard Digest September 21: Early Access Anthony Kiedis, Weighted Blankets, Zillow, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-22 00:00:04 +0000 UTCAffordable Date Night: Anthony Kiedis Gets Senior Discount While Girlfriend Orders off Kids Menu
By LOS ANGELES — Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis was seen enjoying dinner at a local Denny’s with his new girlfriend moments before requesting a senior discount for himself and a kids menu for his partner, sources confirmed.
“When you get to this age it would be reckless to not enjoy the perks. Whether it is an AARP deal for new tires, a senior discount on coffee at McDonalds, or using your exorbitant monetary resources to bag a recent high school grad. These are the golden years,” said Kiedis before putting on a pair of bifocals to read the dessert menu. “Me and Leo Dicaprio took our gals on a playdate the other day, and while they were tossing skeeball, Leo affirmed that in no way is it weird that my girlfriend was negative 13 when ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ came out! Listen, even if I wasn’t dating Isabella I would still be eating Takis, watching ‘Riverdale,’ and helping someone else with their algebra homework.”
Hope Green, a server at the Local Diner, was genuinely bewildered at the interaction.
“I told her that there was a fried chicken platter special with two sides, but she aggressively pointed at the kids menu and yelled ‘chicken dippies.’ I think she was pissed because Anthony told her it was too much sugar to have both a Shirley Temple and a milkshake. I get that older musicians go for younger women but fuck, she was born after 9/11,” said Green. “I had a ‘Californiication’ CD in the trunk of my car. When I asked Anthony to sign it, his partner yelled out ‘Uncle Flea is also on that one!’”
Hollywood matchmaker Jeff Beauregard was well-versed in pairing couples with such a large age disparity.
“I like to avoid terms like child bride and dowry and instead use more friendly language. I’ll tell a parent that their ‘youthful honeymooner’ will most likely reward them with a ‘thank you yacht,’” said Beauregard. “It’s also important to avoid bringing up shows like ‘Fresh Prince’ that can lead to a ‘90s nostalgia vs modern remake drama argument. We also coach the men to not take it personally when their girlfriend calls one of their favorite movies ‘mid’ or when they’ve never even heard of a blockbuster movie that came out in 1999. They never mean it!”
At press time, Kiedis was busy finding the perfect go-kart place and Chuck E. Cheese for the couple’s anniversary.
Why Should I Buy a Weighted Blanket When the Sheer Enormity of My Failures Is Free?
By Back in 1992, renowned neurodiversity advocate Dr. Temple Grandin laid the groundwork for the research on deep-touch pressure that would eventually lead to the creation of the first weighted blanket. She and some other big brain scientists or whatever claim that the extra weight placed upon your body is supposedly, like, good for your mental health and shit? That sounds pretty rad, actually, but hey, newsflash, docs: why should I go out and buy one of these things when the sheer enormity of my own failures is free?
The number of people purchasing weighted blankets has been steadily increasing year after year, but I’m not about to be one of those losers. Why would I want the tonnage of a heavy-ass bedspread regulating my emotions like I’m Linus from the Charlie Brown cartoons when all I need to do is think back to the time when I lost out on a full ride to MIT by sending in my application a month after the deadline. Mmmm…I can feel my stress levels dropping already! I think. I definitely feel heavier physically, like, it’s harder to breathe.
Using past experiences as a way to help overcome feelings of anxiety is probably some kind of therapy, and I honestly feel bad for these guys out here who are actively cheating themselves out of such a masculine way of slaying their demons. Watching Frasier underneath a quilt loaded up with a comfortable amount of steel beads? No thanks. Remembering how I’m not allowed to look after my nephew anymore because of that one time I let him use my BB gun and he shot himself in the shoulder and had to get stitches? Pure relaxation. My sister won’t even give Jason the birthday cards I mail to him anymore. Bonus!
Look, I understand that my friends and family have their own method of achieving a bit of inner peace and that I have my own. Being nestled under a sheet of fabric that’s roughly ten to twelve percent of your body weight is reportedly super beneficial and all that, but I don’t see why everyone has to try to push that shit on me. I’m more than happy looking up at the ceiling of my dad’s walk-in closet at night, reminiscing on how I’ve never truly found love and that my best years are far behind me.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
Millennial Reaches End of Zillow, Begins Scrolling Out-of-Network Doctors
By HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local millennial Cassie Dunbar recently reached the very last Zillow listing and immediately pivoted to scrolling through out-of-network doctors, sources desperate to feel inadequate reported.
“I was in bed admiring an incredible 6 bed, 5.5 bath A-frame overlooking the Pacific, priced beautifully at 11M, when I thought ‘ok, one more then lights out,’” Dunbar recalled with a sleepless rasp. “When I tried to find the next property for sale there was nothing; not even an empty lot or crumbling double wide. I can only fall asleep to my mind dwelling on my deficiencies, so I jumped on Zocdoc and switched from houses I can’t buy to doctors I can’t visit. From internists to cash-only perineum rejuvenation specialists, I could feel my health deteriorate as each medical professional grew further out of reach. I dozed off 99% sure I had cancer and 100% sure there was nothing I could do about it, my preferred blend of resigned despair.”
Meanwhile, Dunbar’s roommate Alex Varick was deep into an even more pointless tour of the unattainable: hobbies for the hyper-wealthy.
“There isn’t a single rezzy at French Laundry for 6 months, so I s’pose I’ll be eating post office candy for dinner again,” Varick griped while ignoring several past-due emails. “I’m currently 88,000th in the Ticketmaster queue for a T-Swift one-off show at the Sphere so that’s not happening, and worst of all they’re no longer taking new members at the Greenwich Yacht Club; sure makes all those hours spent pricing restored clipper ships feel like a waste of time. Some say I’m torturing myself, but really I’m searching for that perfect motivator to jumpstart my social ascent. In the meantime I’m gonna see what an Uber Black from Key West to Anchorage costs, just for fun.”
Economic Sociologist Dr. Fred Crooksjaw has dedicated the past 20 years to better understanding why millennials in particular are so drawn to the unachievable.
“It’s human nature to want what we can’t have, but millennials have taken this to obsessive extremes,” Dr. Crooksjaw asserted while boiling dental floss for reuse. “The behavior is classic rebellion against one’s parents. Millennials watched the boomer generation amass great wealth while remaining uninterested in spending any of it. Millennials and their more modest economic success therefore developed a nearly limitless fascination with what’s out of reach. From private islands for sale to waitlisted cosmetic surgery, the less relevant to their actual lives the more they seem interested in it.”
At press time, Dunbar was attending an open house posing as a tech billionaire until realizing the seller was her dentist whom she owes money.
We Asked This Guy Who Brought His Own Pool Cue to the Bar About How His Divorce Is Going and It Was a Huge Mistake
By James Knapp
Look guys, we’re sorry. We really didn’t mean to do this interview, we were just kinda buzzed and made a snarky off-the-cuff remark. It snowballed into an interaction that simply would not end, no matter how much we tried to excuse ourselves while sheepishly side-stepping toward the door.
It wound up eating so much of our time we had to publish it just to keep our workflow going. So anyway here is our interview with the guy who brought his own pool cue. We think his name was Gary.
Hard Times: Hey, man. Does anyone have next game yet?
A Guy, Let’s Call Him Gary: Whatever.
HT: Woah, brought your own cue huh? So, how’s the divorce going?
GARY: Fucking could not be worse my brother, let me tell you about it!
HT: Uh… okay… it was just a joke dude.
Gary: Let me give you some advice, kid. Never get married! Those harpies will suck out your soul clean through your dick until you’re just left soulless and dickless and dead.
HT: Jesus Christ, that’s bleak.
Gary: Damn straight! She took the house, the good one of the kids, all my commemorative NASCAR dinner plates—everything except my goddamn pool cue.
HT: Well, it seems like you have a lot on your mind, so…
Gary: And you know what the worst part is? The alimony cats!
HT: What in the hell are alimony cats?
Gary: Anytime I send that whore tease bitch of an ex of mine an alimony check because the good kid “needs new school clothes” I also send her a dead cat in a box. Just as a reminder… you get me?
HT: You know what? Let me just grab that quarter back quick and…
Gary: Say, you don’t happen to have a line on any living cats that nobodys’ using at the moment, do you?
HT: You know what, I’m just gonna leave that quarter where it is. You can just have that.
Gary: Hey! Where are you going? Let me follow your SnapChat real quick!
It was at this point we swifty left the building and realized that we are likely just never gonna be able to go back to that bar, at least not until that guy ends up in a new, deeply age-inappropriate relationship, and forgets all about us.
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The Ending of “Trap” Explained: Why the Feds Raided Your Theater and Arrested That Guy
BY Peter Cunis
M.Night Shyamalan’s Trap, like many of the director’s past works, ends with a big twist. Maybe you’re still reeling from the excitement of seeing Josh Hartnett’s sweet, kissable mug up close on the big screen, and maybe you’re still trying to work out what exactly happened while you were swooning in your AMC recliner. Read on for a full explanation of the final moments of M. Night Shyamalan’s Trap.
SPOILERS Ahead
Obviously, the first thing you’re probably wondering is, “Why did a team of Federal officers storm my theater, throw a guy on the floor, cuff him, and tase him for good measure?” In order to understand why that happened in your theater, you may need some context.
Shyamalan, when asked about the ending in an interview with Newsweek, offered the following explanation: “You know the Slicer? That ding-dong whackadoo who goes around just slicing people up? Well, the feds or whatever heard that he was going to be at your screening for M. Night Shyamalan’s Trap, so they set up a trap for him. The whole movie? It was a trap. Kind of dope, right?”
In fact, Shyamalan wrote, produced, and directed the movie Trap in collaboration with his daughter, Saleka Night Shyamalan (who plays Lady Raven in the movie), because the feds got a tip that the Slicer loves two things: M. Night Shyamalan movies, and Saleka Night Shyamalan’s music. “It was a real thrill to write a movie specifically with the goal of luring a murderer into a theater,” said Shyamalan, “In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have written the plot to be so similar to what the feds were planning to do in real life. Oh dang. Good thing the Slicer isn’t very smart.”
As for why the Feds tased the guy after they had already cuffed him, even Shyamalan isn’t sure why that happened and suggests that the reason is up to the viewer’s imagination. “Maybe it’s a commentary on police brutality. Or maybe the guy had a third arm and was about to pull a knife. Or maybe they just don’t like him,” M. Night shrugged.
Trap is currently available on VOD. However, Warner Bros. Pictures does not recommend that you watch the movie in your home. It might turn out to be a trap.
