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Hard Digest September 5: Early Access Trump, Grandmas, Moon Shoes, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-06 00:00:05 +0000 UTCTrump Campaign Powerless Against Group of Teenage Girls Saying “Ew”
By Sean Fallon | September 6, 2024
PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources within the Trump campaign reported that the former president and his team are seemingly overwhelmed with despair after pollsters found a group of teenage girls responded “ew” when asked about a second Trump term.
“This is an attack beyond anything I’ve ever seen,” said Trump campaign manager Chris LaCivita, a political veteran of twenty years. “We can handle personal attacks and policy attacks, but ‘ew?’ That’s beyond the pale. We’re trying to have a discourse with the voters and these teenage girl critics are out for blood. We’re actually working on several lawsuits at the moment claiming that phrases such as ‘ew’ and ‘weird’ are defamatory and worthy of jail time. It’s the only hope we’ve got against these illegal maneuvers.”
Donald Trump remains adamant that this phenomenon is “the worst a president has ever been treated.”
“No one has been through what I’ve been through and I’ve been through a lot, trust me, more than you know,” said Trump, speaking with a heavy slur and sweating profusely. “They said I couldn’t be treated any worse, but I have, the worst ever, some say. These girls saying ‘ew’, they say ‘ew’ these days. Girls in my day, they didn’t say ‘ew’, they would say, ‘why do they call this plane the Lolita Express?’ And we’d say, ‘don’t worry about it, sweetheart.’ Never ‘ew’.’ JD Vance is ‘weird,’ he’s my special boy.”
Recent polls from YouGov and Emerson College show Trump’s numbers have cratered since the girls responsible for the movement, Riley Tanner and Ryleigh Trang, made their declaration during study hall last week.
“We saw Trump talking about how beautiful Kamala was and we just thought ‘ew’” said Tanner, speaking on her TikTok page. “Like, he said it with his weird, little butthole mouth and he was all clammy and gross. It was giving ‘Longlegs.’ Also, with Project 2025, Trump and his gross weirdos want to ban abortion, defund Planned Parenthood, and remove social security safety nets for our most vulnerable citizens. It is a flagrant abuse of power, an insult to the constitution, and it just made me think ‘how totally fucking gross, ew.’”
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As of press time, the Harris/Walz campaign is considering purchasing thousands of billboards across swing states proclaiming EW in giant letters as a valid political strategy.
Opinion: Grandmas Are Chill Until You Remember They’re the Person Who Fucked up Your Mom
By Violet Cowdin
Everything was chill. I sat with my Grandma, knocking back a five-year-old tin of Christmas popcorn and flipping through family albums. As I admired a high school portrait of my mother, my Grandma looked over. “Always a little soft around the edges,” she remarked. Everything came flooding back – 100-calorie snack packs, the Livestrong calorie counter, all the hoarded Jenny Craig treats. Well, well, well, I thought. The source exposes itself.
It was then that I realized: These motherfuckers fucked up our moms. This all might sound harsh, but it’s not like your Grandma wasn’t thinking the same thing about her Grandma at some point. It was just a little too late…after she had already instilled a generational trauma-based victim complex in your mother so complex it surpassed victimhood entirely. Shoot!
Hey, it happens to the best of us. The transgenerational epigenetic inheritance that we all refuse to heal within ourselves is at the root of the world’s conflicts. That’s a fancy way of saying it’s possible to pass on PTSD through DNA which we know but won’t address and isn’t that just fucked up? My Grandma’s shit is thus my shit? For fucking real? And I mean that literally, lots of IBS issues are linked back to compounded trauma. Did you know that? Our trauma manifests physically? In our literal shit?
The even more unfortunate thing is that since she didn’t deal with our shared generational trauma, then I have to. Which is mostly what I’m up in arms about. Why do I have to be the one to do it? COME ON GRANDMAS, but also: I’m sorry Grandmas. Ultimately what I’m trying to say is that you are your Grandma and that time is an invention. We are simply here and that’s all we know. You know? It’s not just two things existing at once, it’s everything existing at all times infinitely.
I understand the desire to project ethereal goodness onto some old lady you see twice a year. It’s easy! But you know what’s behind that? The person who called your mom a fatty, who in turn put you on Weight Watchers at the age of nine. See how this whole thing works? It’s a VICIOUS CYCLE! I’m just saying, the next time you bite into her famous cookies, don’t forget how much you’ve spent on therapy.
Aging Millennial Losing Hope They’ll Finally Get Moon Shoes For Their Birthday
By Ben Friedman
COLTS NECK, N.J. — 40-year-old Luke Childers grew increasingly despondent as his birthday party came to a close, realizing for the third decade in a row that he would not be receiving a pair of Nickelodeon Moon Shoes, family members have confirmed.
“I don’t ask for much, save for a pair of goddamn Moon Shoes so I could feel one fleeting moment of weightlessness. It’s been on my birthday wishlist for thirty years straight, you’d think somebody would pull through and get me a pair. It’s not like I haven’t been hinting at it seconds after I saw the commercial during an episode of ‘Hey Dude,’” said Childers. “Yes, I know I’m a grown man but I was the only kid on my block without mobile trampolines and it’s hard to let it go, okay? I just hope my parents bought them and just lost the box somewhere in the attic. Then I’ll show those little shitheads from elementary school that I was just as cool as they were.”
Childers’ mother was bewildered that he was still bitter after all these years.
“I’m not sure why he’s been holding on to this for so long. I never bought them because they looked shoddily made and he’d probably break his ankles trying to run with them, which would be a crappy way to spend a birthday. He can keep waiting because this year I got him socks,” said Carol Childers. “I guess this explains why he’s always so mopey on his birthday. I got that ungrateful little shit a new car and a PlayStation 2 for his 17th birthday. He has no reason to act like he’s never received anything cool. I can’t believe I raised such a dork.”
Former Nickelodeon marketing executive Ron Sheridan was surprised by his creation’s longevity.
“It’s wild how many ‘90s kids are still yearning for our version of the Moon Shoes. They already existed, all we did was slap the Nick logo on it and added wacky-looking crap like we did with the other toys. But when you combine it with sugary cereal and ‘Ren & Stimpy,’ these damn shoes became the pinnacle moment of many millennials’ lives,” said Sheridan. “I’m surprised there are adults out there hunting them down like addicts who need another hit, but I guess if everyone got a pair except for me, I too might have a shitfit well into adulthood.”
As of press time, Childers was throwing a massive temper tantrum after momentarily believing his wife was surprising him with Moon Shoes, only to find that she confused them with moon boots.
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Elon Musk Announces Cure to the Woke Mind Virus: The NeuralinKKK
BY Matt Fresh
FREMONT, Calif — In another masterful gambit, tech genius and renowned deadbeat dad Elon Musk announced that he has officially created a cure for the woke mind virus. The NeuralinKKK.
“The woke mind virus that has infected society is the greatest threat that humanity has ever faced,” stated Musk in a post on X – the Everything App. “This virus has turned men into women, women into men, it has killed free speech and it killed my son. But I am so proud to announce that I have officially found the cure for this terrible illness. The NeuralinKKK is a state of the art brain implant that not only protects your brain from being infected by the woke parasite but it actively fights against it.”
Musk further clarified how the device would work to protect against the virus.
“The virus can come for anyone at any time, but with the NeuralinKKK even the weakest beta soy boy snowflakes will be protected. Let’s say for example you’re minding your own business, decompressing after work by playing a video game or watching a movie and a black or gay character pops up trying to infect you. The NeuralinKKK will kick into action immediately to defend you by overloading your brain with anti-woke thoughts. Reminding you of the dangers of woke rhetoric and minorities. For example if a woke infected person tries to tell you the Civil War was about slavery, the NeuralinKKK immediately fills your brain with the truth about state rights.”
Lead NeuralinKKK engineer Jackson Ryker explained the process of creating the device.
“What we did was take a regular Neuralink and we filled it with data on all the anti-woke masters like Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson. Then we programmed it with AI to automatically download all that data into the brain whenever there’s a hint of the woke mind virus around. The AI automatically recognises all the telltale signs of the virus. Rainbow flags, women with man-chins, people of color, trans people, etc. Once the AI senses woke it immediately triggers a response. The brain is filled with a mixture of facts collected from our anti-woke experts and data specifically designed to activate anger receptors. It will also automatically log in to any of the user’s social media accounts and the AI will generate an anti-woke manifesto to post. All bases are covered. Wokeness will never infect again and all will be white with the world.”
When asked to clarify if he meant to say “All will be right with the world” Ryker refused to comment.
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