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Hard Digest September 10: Debate Coverage, Early Access Fat Mike, Countdown to Extinction, Swing Revival, and More
🕑 Added 2024-09-11 00:00:04 +0000 UTCTrump Deviates From Debate To Deliver Tangent About “The Late Great Darth Vader” And His “Wonderful Empire”
By PHILADELPHIA — Former President Trump deviated from his prepared talking points to pay tribute to Darth Vader and the countless jobs he created running his empire, confused viewers confirmed.
“Did you hear this? Did you hear the great Darth Vader died? He was a great man and a great father. He would do that thing with his hand and choke people, wouldn’t even have to touch them, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do that? If Mike Pence was here I’d try that on him and see what happens,” said Trump after being asked about tariffs. “I’d love to have a guy like that running the military. Did you know we actually have light saber technology but we just aren’t using it? I know because I invented it. Scientists were shocked, they said they’ve never seen someone harness a laser like I did. That’s why when I’m elected again there will be way more lasers and countries will be like ‘Woah, we don’t want to mess with the USA, they have Trump lasers.’”
Vice President Harris was visibly confused by Trump’s praise of the Sith Warrior.
“I’m not really sure what to say here. We did lose James Earl Jones earlier this week, he was a great man and a humanitarian that did so much for his community, but I’m not sure that’s who Mr. Trump is talking about here,” said Harris. “I want to make this clear to my opponent and to everyone watching; Darth Vader is a fictional character. He’s never been real, if you have a family member who believes Vader is a real person then please get them help. They clearly have a tenuous grasp on reality.”
Debate moderator Linsey Davis admitted that she wasn’t sure how to react to Trump’s praise of Vader.
“I came in here ready to take on the candidates and challenge them whenever they bent the truth to benefit their message, but then Mr. Trump threw me a curveball by talking about how cool Darth Vader’s mask was,” said Linsey during a commercial break. “There was a solid three minutes where he was asking how Vader’s mask worked. He wouldn’t answer any questions about policy, the border, or Russian election interference until someone explained the mechanics. Thankfully there was some nerd there who was more than happy to fill us all in, but I feel like we somehow know less about each candidate now.”
At press time, Trump promised to give Elon Musk a cabinet position to oversee the construction of a Death Star produced here in the USA.
Mosquito Immediately Regrets Sucking Fat Mike’s Blood
By LOS ANGELES — A mosquito that landed on the arm of NOFX frontman Fat Mike and sucked his blood says it immediately regrets the decision, sources who appear to be punk in drublic confirmed.
“As soon as I stuck my stinger into that guy’s skin I just knew something was wrong. Besides the fact that it smelled like stale menthol cigarettes, it just made me feel weird and I started seeing colors and could taste the music he was playing,” said the mosquito while wrapped in a tiny blanket and sipping on coffee. “The worst part is I woke up several hours later to discover I had purchased tickets for something called ‘Punk Rock Bowling Fest’ in Las Vegas. Ticketmaster charged me $13.50 for a ‘convenience fee.’ And I thought I was the one who was an annoying blood sucker.”
Another mosquito who was also buzzing around the Fat Wreck Chords owner says he tried to warn his friend before it attached itself to him.
“I told him! I said ‘Don’t do it, dude. It’s not worth it.’ This guy looks like he’s more full of pharmaceuticals than a Fox News ad break,” said the second mosquito. “Also, not to shame anyone’s personal sexual history, but you don’t know where this guy has been. As a type of insect that lives off the blood of other animals, we need to be a little more careful and not just stick our stingers into anything with a pulse. As a species, we need to have higher standards than that.”
Entomogist Sharon Young says that mosquitos that frequently suck the blood of punk musicians can become addicted.
“It has become a real epidemic in the mosquito population. Mosquitos that continue to use musician blood can become addicted and even worse, it can lead to them making unlistenable music,” said Young. “Once they’ve had a taste of musician blood and had their microscopic-sized brains expanded from the substances, it can be hard for a mosquito to return to ‘normie’ blood. Next thing you know, they’re writing lo-fi hip hop beats to study to in their damp wetland homes.”
At press time the mosquito said he was looking for another fix and was said to have tracked down Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell.
Heartbreaking: It Turns Out the Prisoner on the “Countdown to Extinction” Album Cover Is a Non-Violent Drug Offender
By It’s not exactly a secret that the justice system in our country is far from perfect. The institutions in place that motivate private prisons and the companies that supply them to continue incarcerating people (an inordinate portion of whom are minorities) are outright shameful and in desperate need of serious reform. This absolute mockery of the notion of the United States being known as “the land of the free” is only heightened with each passing year in which nothing is done. As if this point needed further emphasis, it turns out the prisoner on the cover of Megadeth’s 1992 album “Countdown to Extinction” is a non-violent drug offender.
Disgraceful.
Meet 88-year-old Rory Sullivan, currently housed in the Rhode Island Department of Corrections in Cranston, RI. In 1973, at the age of 37, Sullivan was pulled over in possession of a controlled substance with the intent to distribute, and ever since then he has been inexplicably held alone in a concrete cell on the top floor of a 14-story medieval fortress on his prison’s complex, despite a stellar behavioral record and the complete absence of prior offenses. In fact, he is so isolated that other prisoners held in the complex don’t even know he exists!
Wake up, America! Is this what we’re consigning ourselves to as we hold our hands to our hearts for the National Anthem?
To make this horrific injustice even more glaring, even the prison’s guards (who normally delight in treating the inmates with unspeakable levels of sadism) are confused as to why he’s left in solitary confinement and only fed a plateful of bones every day. Temperatures in the cell are known to dip below 50 degrees at night, and with nothing to cover himself but a single undergarment, Sullivan is often left shivering himself to sleep in a corner of his cell.
Who can put a stop to this inhumanity? Will you sit idly by, reading this article in relative comfort, while this poor man slowly wastes away atop his lonely tower of disservice? Shame on you!
If you were thinking “Why hasn’t the ACLU put the proverbial sledgehammer to this real-life ‘Cask of Amontillado?’” it’s not for lack of trying. Numerous lawsuits have been filed on Sullivan’s behalf over the past five decades, to no avail. Not only that but attempts to disable the automated vents that cause the pitiable wretch to levitate for two hours every day have also fallen short.
With all conventional means of ending this travesty having been exhausted, we find ourselves at an impasse. We can continue our silence (which is tantamount to complicity,) or we can raise our voices for the voiceless which, in this case, is the old man adorning the cover of Megadeth’s fifth-best album specifically. Certainly, “Sweating Bullets” was not a fair trade for the soul of America, but it may serve as a reminder for us to collectively gaze in the mirror and finally say “Hello me, meet the real me.”
Swing Revival Band Not Sure If They’re 30 or 90 Years Too Late
By WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local swing revival band Big Zipper Flame Daddies weren’t quite sure if they were three or nine decades late with their musical style, confirmed sources who agreed they were behind schedule by all accounts.
“If you really think about it, swing is only ever a thing every 40 or 50 years and we need to be historically accurate if this venture is going to succeed,” said lead singer Jeffrey Tamelay of the 18-piece unit. “Remember in the ‘90s when there were just a bunch of swing groups that came out for no reason and half of them seemed like they just groomed underage girls, judging by their band name? Well, they were clearly 60 years late. But then again, we’re here trying to emulate the bands of the ‘90s who are emulating the swing groups of the ‘30s who were doing an offshoot of jazz. If we can’t figure out this riddle soon then our swing band will never make it at tonight’s show with nothing but shoegaze bands. Ugh, reviving old genres isn’t as easy as it looks.”
Fans of swing didn’t really think it mattered.
“I think they need to move past the fact that they’ll never be the Brian Setzer of the ‘90s nor the Brian Setzer of the ‘30s,” said local 95-year-old Bob Blankenship. “Besides, if you ask me, they’re actually a few centuries late. As a true swing fan, I only listen to the ones who were peers of Beethoven. Otherwise, it’s not real swing. In order for it to be legit swing music, it needs to be from the period when everyone was dying from the bubonic plague. That’s prime swing.”
Experts noted similar instances in music history.
“Unearthing older genres can be quite difficult if you can’t pinpoint the exact era you’re going for,” said music critic Blake Hildress. “It’s like in the 2000s when bands attempted to bring back ragtime music of the early 1900s. Sure, post-ragtime core never really materialized, but if you want to stand out from the crowd, you have to pick an old music style out of a hat and make that your whole thing.”
At press time, the band actually came to the conclusion that they were 20 years early as that was when the swing pendulum was estimated to come back to them.
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Cuphead Found Dead in Dishwasher
BY Nick Coffman
INKWELL ISLE ONE — Inkwell Isle police are investigating after the body of local troublemaker Cuphead was found on Sunday afternoon in a dishwasher of an abandoned home on the island’s southside. A spokesperson for the Inkwell Isle Police Department said police were called to the home at around 2 p.m. after neighbors complained about a smell coming from the residence.
“It’s too early to say what happened here, but if it looks and feels like murder, it’s usually murder,” Sheriff Tom Buzz said to members of the media, shortly after discovering the 35-year-old teacup in a Sears dishwasher. “Cuphead and his pal Mugman, they like to roll the dice. They’re indebted to some bad eggs. If you told me the victim’s past with King Dice or other ne’er do wells caught up to him, I’d be inclined to agree.”
Surveillance footage from nearby Porkrind’s Emporium depicts Cuphead and Mugman scheming tourists in a rigged shell game earlier on the day of the suspected murder. Sheriff Buzz would not confirm if Cuphead died in the dishwasher or was placed there once dead. The sheriff also refused to confirm if Mugman was considered a mug of interest in the case. At the time of this reporting, Mugman had been reported missing by family.
“Healthy cups just don’t up and die out of nowhere,” Sheriff Buzz said as a coroner placed a serving tray with a napkin-covered body into their nearby car. “I didn’t personally like the guy, but he didn’t deserve the end he got. Whoever smashed this cup up is a real sick puppy, and we’re going to get the bastard.”
King Dice, local casino magnate and former business associate of Cuphead, thinks the investigation is being used to “sling mud at his good name.” Dice spoke to members of the media in the lobby of his casino.
“The IIPD is always trying to bring a die down. I admired Cuphead and would never do anything to hurt him myself,” Dice said as one of his associates walked by and nodded toward him as if confirming something. “Now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time to mourn the loss of a beautiful gambler who’s probably betting his halo on something as we speak. I just hope the IIPD finds Mugman before it’s too late.”
At press time an unidentified cup had been found and retrieved from the bottom of Quadratus.
Anyone with information that could lead to an arrest in this case is asked to call the Inkwell Isle Police Department Tip Hotline at 314-390-9229.
High Person Looking at Wrong Square in Mario Kart Amazed to Be Killing Rainbow Road for the First Time
BY MIAMI, Fla. — A very high person playing Mario Kart is reportedly thrilled to be winning Rainbow Road and unaware they are, in fact, looking at someone else’s square.
“This is amazing, man,” remarked Samantha Marti. “I’ve never been able to play any Rainbow Road without falling off like 30 times. Usually I beg the guys not to pick any cups with one. And I can never win tournaments because it’s my weak spot. But I must just really be in the zone right now. I bet the weed is enhancing my senses and abilities. I’m like a cat in the night. That can drive a sneaker. Wait, I thought I picked the Benz.”
Dallas Smith, Samantha’s friend and Mario Kart competitor, shed some light on the ongoing incident.
“Yeah, she’s looking at the wrong square,” said Smith. “We had homemade brownies and she’s super fucked up. Her Yoshi has been carried by Lakitu for like 95% of the game. I’m the one winning but I don’t have the heart to tell her. She actually suggested we bet on the outcome, but I think I can trick her with a Five Guys receipt I found in my pocket so I don’t have to break the illusion or give up any cash.”
A lead expert on Karting under the influence, Jayme Krause, was able to expand upon how common this issue is.
“I’ve been studying the issue of Karting under the influence for my entire professional career, and studies consistently show that a staggering 75% of stoned players look at the wrong square for at least one lap,” said Krause. “In this instance, the driver sounds blissfully unaware, but it can often cause confusion and be a real bummer. It’s actually the second largest issue caused by operating motor vehicles under the influence. I’m trying to get a grant approved to even better understand the issue, but for some reason I keep getting beat out by drunk driving deaths.”
Sources report that after the group finished with Mario Kart, they played Beatles Rock Band and were grooving so hard to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds they scored a 2%.
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